


Owning me

by Elisza94



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drugs, F/M, Forced Prostitution, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:40:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 167,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisza94/pseuds/Elisza94
Summary: It al sounded glorious. Winning the games and following in her brothers footsteps into a life of luxury. But she had never been so wrong.
Relationships: Annie Cresta/Finnick Odair, Cashmere/Finnick Odair, Cashmere/Gloss (Hunger Games), Cashmere/Original Characters, Enobaria/Gloss (Hunger Games)
Comments: 120
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this is my first try at fan fiction. I am not a native English speaker so I am sorry for any grammatical errors. Enjoy!

“I own you.’ 

Those were his exact words. The words that I would never forget. Gloss had warned me. He had warned me to not do anything reckless. To not upset the President. But had I expected this? I feel the shiver across my skin. The thought of what he had asked of me made me sick. And he hadn’t even asked it. He had demanded it. I have to sell myself. 

I almost jump up from the couch when I hear the door. Ever since the games unexpected movement and sounds startle me. I suppose that is the price you have to pay for winning. For killing 6. For making sure 23 innocent children were dead. Well one of the prices at least. 

Gloss notices me right away. As his eyes lock into mine. I wonder what had happened to him. His eyes were so different. As if drained of all happiness. When my brother came back from winning his games he was not the strong 16 year old that had left our home only a few weeks earlier. Physically he hadn’t changed but his eyes never smiled again. No one could touch him. It was as if every form of human contact was hard. My brother had killed 7 people in a matter of days and I hated what it had done to him. 

Gloss slowly walks my way. 

‘Cash? Are you all right?’ he asks. His voice is almost trembling. 

I do not answer him. Does he know? Does he know what Snow had ordered? Did he know of the treats? Of the risks if I refused? Gloss had been there when I woke up after the games. His eyes had been sad. I didn’t know what to think of my brother. We had won back to back games. How could he not be happy for me? We would return as celebrities. The famous siblings from District 1. 

I notice how the pillows move when Gloss sits down beside me. Our eyes still locked on each other. I am sure he can see the tears in my eyes. I do not want them to be there but I can’t help it. Sure the games had changed him. I had heard his terrible screams every night for months now. He had vivid nightmares of his time in the arena. He told me once that the tributes came to him every night. That the image of Lila, the district 7 girl, sat in his chair for hours. Just watching him. Watching his every move. But I always thought that was the price he paid for fame. For freedom. Killing Lila had made him famous. He could go to the capitol. Be rich. I had always been the center of attention in our family. Being the only girl in a line of four boys. Everyone told me I was special. I was going to be the one to make our family famous. And then Gloss was reaped and took that away from me. I guess it made me kind of jealous. 

Gloss and I stare at each other for a while. Not really knowing what to say. His hands are clenched at his side trying to mask the way he is feeling. He knows I have been to Snow’s mansion. He was there with me till Tiberius, the man Snow uses to control the victors, had hushed me away to meet the president. I had seen the warning in his eyes at that moment. He had wanted to tell me something but he did not have the chance. While I climbed the stairs I noticed the woman clinging to his side. Kissing his neck. Whispering in his ear. I saw his eyes glancing at me to give me one last warning.

And suddenly I know. The image in my head is very clear. I know why I can’t hug him the way we used to. Why he shivers at every touch. I understand the sadness in his eyes. The conflicting feelings of me being a victor. Happy to have his sister back, knowing what the price would be. Knowing the price he was paying for his ongoing fame.

Snow's demand of me makes me look at Gloss in a different way. His change is not just about the games. The pain in his eyes not just from the blood on his hands. 

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask 

‘I didn't think you would volunteer. You knew what the games did to me. You heard the nightmares. We even talked about them. I thought that would scare you away.’

It hadn’t. I did not blame him for being reaped. It wasn’t his fault. But I missed my position as the star of the family. Yes, I know it sounds selfish. But I got used to it. I got used to the attention. If I was hurt there were four older brothers to pick me up in a minute and carry me home. Three of our brothers had made it through their eligible years without a scratch. Yes, they trained for it. That was kind of a package deal if you went to one of the better schools in the district. Going to school meant training. If you wanted to volunteer or not. So we trained. All of us. But my brothers never even talked about giving up our relatively good life for a chance at fame. Gloss did not think about it either. He would have been happy staying in the district and marrying a local girl. And so he went to his last reaping. Thinking he would be coming home just like everyone of us had. Until his name was called. Him being 16 and considered one of the best of his class meant no volunteers. And so his fate was settled. He would be the new star of the family. 

To watch the games while one of your loved ones is competing was horrendous. Never before had I been so interested in them. I always watched, considering it was mandatory viewing, but they never interested me. Until now. I saw my brother shining in the tribute parade. His well toned body on display for the whole of Panem to see. He was no longer just my brother. He was a tribute. And a good one if his odds were to be believed. He scored a 10 in training and swooned the crowd with his tough yet gentle manner. Of course he would join the career pack. No surprises there. Except maybe district 4 missing out of the alliance as a whole. 

I saw him change. The boy I saw in the games was not the boy I knew. After fooling around for almost a week with his fellow careers they decided to split up. He did not have to do much to get them killed though. His district partner, a beautiful girl named Diamond, was killed the next night by Lila. Lila had sneaked up on her from a tree branch and had killed here with one silent move of a knife against her throat. The district 2 female, Maple, was pecked to death by a mutt shortly after she killed her district partner Manny by throwing a knife into his gut. Which left Gloss with just Lila. Lila was sneaky. Moving around in the trees waiting for her victims to show themselves. Gloss knew that being just as smart was the only way of killing her. So he just waited. He sat at the Cornucopia relying on his sponsors for food. She could not stay hidden forever and he decided not to give her a chance to sneak up on him. So after a few hours she came out. She walked into the clearing with her eyes fixed on him. I didn’t know how she planned to kill him but apparently she was done waiting. His sword at the ready while she picked up speed. It didn’t take much. She tried throwing a few knives but they weren’t even close to hitting him. In the end she sort of walked into his sword. While she fell to the ground tears had flown from her eyes. She had begged him to finish her. Begged him to make it quick. So he took one of her own knives and put it in her heart. Making him a victor. Making him immortal. 

‘Why did you not tell me before I went into the arena?’

I almost hear him thinking about the right answer. 

‘To make sure you would not be scared to come back. I could not change that you were going into the games. But if you were going in I wanted you to win. To come back to me. Maybe I just wanted someone who understood what I was going through. Someone I could talk to about the things that I am supposed to keep a secret.’ he blurted out. 

I watch as he turns around. Slowly lifting his shirt. It takes me a moment to realise what I am seeing. All over his back there are small red lines. Like something had scratched him. Not something, someone. The vague outlines of bite marks are visible on the back of his shoulder. As my fingers track the red lines I feel him shiver under my touch. 

‘All your dates. All the moments you left us alone at night. All the moments everybody seemed to cover your whereabouts. You were selling yourself?’

He nods silently.

‘The woman at the party in Snow’s mansion?’

‘Not my choice.’

When Gloss had to go back to the capitol for his victory tour he had seemed scared. He did not show it but his nightmares had gotten worse. He had stayed in the capitol for over a month after his tour was finished. I had wondered what he had done all that time. Gloss had never complained about District 1. But something had drawn him to the capitol. It all made perfect sense when the stories of his excessive dating were broadcast all over Panem. Why had I not noticed? My brother had never been interested in girls before. He had never had a girlfriend. What made me think that the games had changed that part of him as well? It wasn’t like him to run away with a different girl every night. 

Another silence fills the air around us. 

‘Are the threats real?’ I ask

‘Yes. Snow has killed people for less than not following his orders. Remember Haymitch?’

I nod.

‘They say he did something in his games that Snow did not like. He came home to find his family and girlfriend murdered for what he had done.’  
So there clearly is no choice. If the treats are true. If our family is really in danger. Then there is no choice. Gloss had probably come to the exact same conclusion. 

‘So how does this work?’ I ask

‘You will get a red envelope smelling of roses. In it will be a card with a name and a time. At the time you have to be dressed up and ready downstairs. A car will take you to whomever is waiting for you. And then you just do what is asked. No complaining. Just do it. Even if it takes every little inch of your soul that is left. Don’t refuse.’

I can hear the hurt in his voice. Had he ever refused anything? Were the women of the capitol that bad? I mean the games are sadistic. I am 16 and I have killed more people than I can count. But that does not mean that everyone in the capitol is like that. Apart from the fact that they buy teenagers for their own pleasure. Which is quite bad in itself I realise. 

‘How do you do it?’ I ask. 

A sudden laugh escapes his mouth. 

‘I am not going to give you the talk Cash. I am quite sure you know how it works.’

I can’t help but smile at his comment. Sure I know how it works. Unlike my brother I have had some experience with the boys back home. Well with one boy really. Marcus had been quite a romance the year before. While Gloss was making his new life as a victor I longed for attention. Attention which Marcus gave. I didn’t think I had really loved him. He was just the boy that I met when I desperately needed someone to notice me. It was innocent and short lived. 

‘I know how it works. I just don’t know how to do it with someone who will pay for me. Who will only long for my body and nothing else.’ 

‘You just do it. Try to forget it’s happening.’

Gloss stands up from the couch and starts walking to his room. Clearly our talk is over. 

‘Cash, go to sleep. We will talk tomorrow. I promise.’

As he opens the door to his room I have one more question. 

‘Gloss, how do you forget?´

His eyes pierce mine. The pain clearly visible. 

‘I don’t. I just pretend I do.’


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I try to tell myself that it is not real. They are dead. It is the same thing I have been telling Gloss since he told me about his nightmares. I never understood why he was so scared of them. But I start to understand. My first kill Rover, a small boy from District 3, had walked into my room. He was cradling his freshly cut off leg in his arms like a baby. He was followed by Lima, the girl from 6, and Purse, my district partner, both in varying stages of decay. One by one they had filled my room. The tributes I killed and the ones that had lost their lives at the hands of our alliance. After that came the ones I never even saw in the arena but who had been on my way to victory nonetheless. When I am awake I hardly remember their names and faces. But at night that doesn’t matter. They all find me.

I lay restlessly in my bed for the next few hours until I can see the sun creeping over the mountains. Why do their deaths affect me so much? I am a career. I trained to do this. They were just children on my way to fame. It had to be done. It just so happened that I was the one to do it. Maybe a shower can clear my head.

When I walk into the living room the table is set. I notice the two red envelopes in the middle of the table immediately. Two of them. One for Gloss. One for me. I have seen them before at the breakfast table and I quickly try to remember how many of them I have seen. How many times had my brother done this already? The scent of roses waves towards me as I step towards the table. It makes me nauseous. When I pick up the envelope carrying my name I am surprised by how heavy it is. Who would be the first? Did I know the guy? I feel my body shiver. Suddenly scared to open it and see. I don’t even notice Gloss coming into the living room. He finds me staring at the envelope in my hands.

‘Maybe we should open them together. Maybe I know the guy. Maybe I can help you to be prepared.’  
I turn my head to look at him while he walks my way. His eyes are dry but I can see he did not sleep very well. His shoulders seem tense. His hands shiver when he takes the envelope from me. .

‘You don’t have to do this.’ I say

‘I know. I just want to. I want to know who he is sending your way.’

His eyes scan the card as soon as he has opened the envelope. He stays silent for a little while as his face stays completely blank. Was it good or bad news? Normally I could tell what he was thinking but this time he kept up his poker face.

‘He is a gamemaker. Could be worse. They like to send someone they know. So they can make sure you…’

His face looks puzzled.

‘To make sure what?’

‘To make sure that you don’t back out. That you do as you're told. So they know if you need more motivation.’

He gives me back my envelope which feels heavy in my hands. I stare at the words written on them: Seneca Crane, 15. Still a couple more hours to go till I have to prove myself again.

Gloss swiftly turns around to look at his own card. Somehow he does not want me to know and he does not give me the opportunity to guess if it’s good or bad. I see his muscles tense a little but I can’t read what that means.

‘So what do we do now?’ I ask my brother.

‘Well, we have a few hours so let me give you a private tour of the Capitol before we go home.’

‘We go home tonight?’ I can hear the joy in my voice. I did not want to look weak but I miss home more everyday. I want to see my family. To live my new life.

Gloss nods.

‘They will bring you to the train station as soon as you're done. I will see you there. Now. Get dressed and I will show you around.’

* * *

As the hours fly away I get more and more tense. What happens if I am not good enough? I have no idea what I have to do. How am I supposed to meet the expectations they have set for me? About an hour before I have to leave we return to the training centre. Gloss tells me to dress up. To make sure my clothes are nice enough and my hair is done. Everything I own will be pale by Capitol standards but I try one of the dresses my stylist has left for me to take with me. Maybe it will be enough.

Ten more minutes. Ten minutes to think this through. Gloss is waiting for me at the elevator. I know he wants to help me but I can see that he is doing everything he can to not burst out of anger. He can’t do anything once I step into that elevator. He just has to wait and see.

‘I will probably not be at the train when you arrive. My… date has a habit of… well… I will probably be there just in time. Make sure you take a good long shower. And then just wait for me. We will talk. I promise.’

I feel his kiss on my hair as he pushes the button to call the elevator. I have to do it on my own now.

My legs stiffen as I step out of the elevator and into the waiting car downstairs. I have to force myself to keep going. I can not back out. Not if I want to see my family again.

When I arrive at a large apartment building I see two security guards at the door. There must be a lot of important people living here if they need people to guard them. One of the guards opens the door for me. I see his eyes linger at my breasts and I have to suppress an urge to punch the guy in his face. But I can’t do that. Not if I want to get out of there in one piece.

A dark haired man is waiting for me near the elevator doors.

‘Cashmere, what an honor to meet you.’ His smile wide as his eyes flicker.

I try to say something but the lump in my throat makes it impossible. I am afraid that I might throw up if I try to speak so instead I give a short nod.  
Crane takes my arm as we make our way into the elevator. Keep breathing Cash, I say to myself. Just keep breathing.

The elevator ride is short and the silence is loaded with tension. I don’t even try small talk. Knowing that when I do I will probably get sick. When the doors open I feel his hand in the small of my back. He gently pushes me into the living room. It is a good thing he forces me forward because I am about to freeze right there and then.

‘Don’t be scared Cashmere, I will not hurt you.’

I guess we have a different opinion about hurting because I am pretty sure he is about to hurt me pretty badly.

His fingers trace my arm all the way up to my shoulder. The skin is still sensitive, the cuts from the games only just healed. As he plays with the straps of my dress it feels not real. How did I go from winning the games and feeling powerful to feeling helpless? Maybe that was the point. Maybe they did not like us being powerful.  
I hear the zip of my dress. There is no way back. As I feel his lips on my shoulder I try to pretend this is not happening. Just like Gloss told me to do. But I can’t. I can’t deny how awful I am feeling.

Crane tries. He tries to make me comfortable. Apparently he also has a small human side. Of course he knows I have not done this before. That he is the first. I start wondering why it’s him. What did he do to grant him this ‘honor’? I feel his gentle touch when he removes my dress and leads me to his bedchambers. The bed is soft and spacious but it feels like a cage. A cage I have no way of escaping.

His hands caress my breasts as if he is not a thirty year old man who has bought a 16 year old girl. My stomach tightens as his hands make their way down. They grope and squeeze their way through my skin.

I try to think of home. Of the reasons I am doing this. Of the threats if I don’t. I think of Gloss who is spending a couple of hours in the bed of another wealthy client and suddenly I feel a bit stronger. I still feel his hands, his breath and various other parts of his body but I also feel slightly numb. If Gloss can be strong, then so can I. And when I feel Crane’s lips against mine, I kiss back. I am a victor. I will win.

* * *

I take a very long shower, as Gloss suggested. I try to wash away his hands. But I can still feel them. I can feel them on my lower back. On my breasts. His fingers digging their way through my skin. The shower helps. But not enough.

It seems hours before Gloss comes along. He told me he would be just on time but it seems like he even delayed our train. His date apparently has the power to stop trains from leaving. His face is all red when he rushes through the door.

‘Cash, are you all right?’

It does not take him long to reach me. I am all curled up on the coach. Dressed in the most comfortable clothes I could find. He silently sits down beside me.

‘Yeah. I am fine. Just happy to go home. Happy to get all this to the back of my head.’

‘Until the victory tour. When they throw you in front of the sharks again.’

I had not thought about the tour and how they would use my stay in the Capitol for other purposes than just the celebration. Gloss stayed oddly silent. Was he thinking about his own tour? His nightmares had gotten worse in the weeks leading up to the tour. I had noticed it but always thought that the tour triggered his memories from the games. I never thought that memories and treats from after the games were a part of his fear too. Knowing what was expected of him. Knowing what would happen if he did not deliver.

The memories of his tour seemed to flash in front of his eyes. His shoulders shock lightly as his head lowers into his hands. I hear him wailing before I see the tears. I don’t think twice when I press my arms around his shoulders. While hugging him I notice the red rope burns on his wrists and I don’t even ask. Some of these capitol people must have sick fantasies about the victors. Or their victors as they probably call us. Like their games have not harmed us enough.

‘I am sorry.’ I whisper.

‘Sorry about what? This is not your fault.’

‘Sorry for volunteering. Sorry for going for the fame knowing how much it changed you. I know I hurt you. I know I was selfish trying to get the attention back. I pay the price for that now.’

Gloss does not say anything. Trying to find the right answers. Trying to comprehend how he feels about all this.

‘But I am glad you are here. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. Going through the games and what came after without anyone to help you. To tell you what to do. To just simply talk to you. Because I guess no one besides the victors involved know. Right?’

He nods silently.

‘Haymitch saved me from doing something stupid last year. After my meeting with Snow I wanted to get drunk so bad I went to the only one I knew who definitely had booze for me. I never told him exactly what Snow had ordered me to do but he knew it wasn’t friendly. He told me about his mom. His brother. His girlfriend. All of them died because of him disobeying Snow. All because he won the games slightly different than the rest of us. He never pushed me to talk about my talk with Snow but he told me to think long and hard about the consequences of my choices. He said the choice was mine but that I had to remember that one way or another Snow would always win.’

‘So he said you should do it.’ I say, slightly disgusted that another victor had not stood up for him.

‘No. He never pushed me to do anything. He just warned me of the fact that going up against Snow is a hard thing to do. I never told him what it was about but it seemed like he knew. Or at least had an idea. These victors are one big family Cash. We take care of each other even if we don’t always get along. We understand each other. We all know what the games do. We all know that none of us have a choice but to let our tributes kill each other. Haymitch made sure Enobaria reached out to me on the victory tour. He knew she had a similar kind of deal with Snow and he wanted to help.’

‘So you are not the only one?’ I ask.

‘I only now about Enobaria. But I was pretty sure he would ask you to do the same. We have the same gene pool, Cash. And since they like me, I figured they would like you too.’

For a long time we didn't say anything to each other. Both of us not knowing what to say to make it better. Not even knowing if we can make it better. I see Gloss trace the red markings around his wrists with his finger. Probably remembering the way they got there. The price he had to pay to get back home. The price we both had to pay.

‘Cash, these people are evil. They will not stop until they break you. Until they make sure there is no fight left. That you are not a problem to them. Don’t let them do that. Do not let them take everything away.’ His eyes now fixed on me.

‘I won’t’

‘Promise me.’

‘I promise.’

Out of the windows I can see the outskirts of District 1. Still too far away to grasp but seeing it makes my heart jump. Home. Though it has only been a few weeks I feel like a different person. The old Cashmere will never return home. She died in the arena. The new one has to find a way to let life make sense again. Gloss will help me. I am sure about that. I silently grab his hand as home gets closer. Staying as much Cashmere as I can will be my new goal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a short chapter. They will get longer.

After the big entry into my home district things start to settle down. I find my way around my new house and Gloss helps me settle into the life of a victor. A life which is oddly restricting. Winning the games hands you freedom to do nothing. To not go to school. Not have a job. Not have a damn thing to do all day. The only thing you can do is think about the games. Every minute of every day.

I begin to understand why people like Haymitch turn to drinking. Having to relive the arena every night makes me want to feel numb. Makes me want to forget I was even there. But Gloss will not let me. He has made sure there is no alcohol in my house. Or in his for that matter. I guess he is too afraid that I will make mistakes that will put us in danger.

So now the only thing I do is walk around Victor’s village, hang out with Gloss and try to figure out how I am going to spend the rest of my time. A victor dying out of boredom would be quite a story. But I do not plan to make it mine. What if I died? Would Gloss be in trouble? Would he have to pay my debt to Snow? Gloss had found his hobby. He pretty much spends his days working out. Apparently being active helps his brain to forget that he killed 7 kids. Or at least he pretends it does.

A knock on the door breaks my strain of thought. My brother doesn’t even wait for my answer before he bursts through the door.

‘Cash? You need to clean this place. They will be here in a week and if they see you like this. Well, they will probably not be happy.’

I know he is right but I try to ignore him. Maybe he will leave me alone.

‘Have you even thought about what you will show them? What your talent is going to be? I don’t care if you make something up. I will say whatever you want me to, but you have to have a talent. And no, walking around is not a talent.’

I press my face into the pillows of my couch. I want him to stop talking. Sure I know I have to think of something. But I don’t even want to think about the victory tour. I don’t want my face all over Panem again. I don’t want to pretend I don’t know what is going to happen once I reach the Capitol. Even thinking about smiling my way through all of it makes me sick. How had Gloss done it? Knowing what was about to come. With no one to talk to who would understand.

One of the pillows flies through the room towards my head. It is a good thing I know my brother is here because every other person that would even think about throwing my things would end up dead in a second.

‘Get up Cash. I know it’s hard but this is not a solution.’

I hear him walking around in my kitchen. The coffee machine turns on and a couple of minutes later Gloss walks in with two steaming cups of coffee. He wants to wake me up. To make sure I get my act together. I try to pull myself together, sit up straight and take a cup from Gloss.

‘So, we can not say you have been wandering around for the last couple of months. Even if that is technically what you did. We have to think of something they will like. Something that will be believable. Something we can set up in a week and make it convincing.’

We brainstorm for maybe half an hour when we finally settle for hairdressing. My long blonde hair has always been one of my virtues and even before my games I had liked to experiment with them. I could braid my way through a couple of our relatives and friends to make sure it was convincing. I could even do my own hair if my prep team would let me.

‘What will it be like?’ I ask Gloss after a while.

‘The tour? Long and boring. A speech and a banquet in every district. But mostly a lot of trains. I will get you through it. Don’t worry.’

‘Until the Capitol. You can not do anything for me there.’ I whisper.

‘No. I wish I could.’

My mind finds his way to Gloss his Victory tour. He smiled the whole way through. He was friendly. It seemed he was back to the Gloss from before his games. The Gloss I had missed. I start to wonder how he had done it. How could he smile and enjoy it when he just described it as boring and long.

‘You seemed to enjoy your tour. All the smiling around. Did not seem like it was as boring as you say.’

I see Gloss watch me with a familiar smirk on his face.

‘If even you believed it I must have been a great actor.’

‘Acting?’

“Yes Cash, it is all an act. The whole damn thing is about entertainment. Smile, nod, dance, flirt. Make sure the districts are happy. Make Snow happy. Don’t let them think about everything they don’t have. That is what it is all about. Make them forget their daily slur. Their worries. Make them see what they can have if they are lucky enough.’

A sort of rage boils up inside me.

‘Yeah. Because we were so lucky. Having a shitload of time to do absolutely nothing useful. Owning a debt to the most powerful man in Panem. How lucky are we!’

I see the shock in his eyes.

‘Well if you say that kind of thing out loud to somebody other than me you might ass well kill yourself now. Oh, and if you do, warn me will you? Being tortured to death by Snow is not really on my wishlist.’

‘I just don’t understand how you can act like nothing's wrong. You smile your way through everything. You go on dates like you don’t even care about why you are going. I just don’t get it. How can you betray yourself like that?’

I see the anger in Gloss's eyes. Maybe I have gone too far. I know he does not mean to be like this. His eyes focus on me.

‘You better get used to smiling your way through this because it is not going away. This is your life now, if you like it or not. I don’t care about your opinion. I don’t care that you do not want to do it. You have to. Find something to fight for. Find a reason to do it. For the both of us. Because don’t think for a moment that it won’t affect me if you fail. What do you think will happen to my dates when yours go wrong? It may surprise you but being tied up for a couple of hours while who knows what happens is not my favorite kind of date.’

I stay silent after that. Not able to say anything for myself. I know he is right. I just don’t want to give up. I want to save us although I know I can’t. What should I fight for?

‘What do you fight for, Gloss?’ I ask.

‘I don’t know yet. It kind of changed this year.’

‘What was it?’

‘You. I tried to do whatever I was told so you would not get reaped.’

I feel a lump in my throat. He did all of it so I would not end up the way he did. And thanks to my selfish actions it was all in vain. It had not mattered because I decided I wanted what he had. I had never been so wrong in my life.


	4. Chapter 4

Gloss wasn’t lying when he said the tour was mostly trains. District 1 was one of the closest to the Capitol so I had never been on a train for longer than two hours but getting all the way to 12 took us more than a day. There were endless talks with my prep team about hair. I guess having one of their specialties as my talent made them think I wanted to talk about it all the time. So I smiled through it all. Gloss his warnings in the back of my head. This tour was not about me at all. It was about pleasing Snow and making sure I would stay off his radar as much as possible.

My talk with Gloss had changed the way I looked at him. He had done so much for me, although I did not know it at the time, and I had done a pretty poor job at repaying him. I never realised that his goal had always been to protect me. I think it still is. But now he knows that he will not succeed. He can not protect me from the evils of the Capitol. He will try. But he will not be able to save me from all of it. 

Gloss is my new goal. I will do everything for him. To make sure that I can lighten his load. And right now he needs me to look like everything is fine. Like I am enjoying my time in the spotlight. 

Every District has his own way of celebrating my victory. Some of them do not seem to care. I am just another victor passing through. But acros Panem there are six families who hold a pretty big crotch against me. I am the reason their loved one is no longer breathing. I especially feel the pain in 3, for Rover, whose death was not at all pretty, and in 5. Lara, the district 5 girl, could have been victorious if it wasn’t for my knife sticking out of her throat just before the end. They seem so angry. Like they are willing to kill me themselves. Which they probably are when I think about it. In the games I had seen their deaths as necessary. They were obstacles on my way to victory. But now? I feel conflicted. I know they were innocent. Just pawns in Snows game. But now I realise that they were human. They had a family who loved them. Friends who could not live without them. They had a future that I had destroyed. 

After District 5 the nightmares get even worse. Lara and Rover are bleeding all over. Both accusing me of hurting their families. Of making the lives of the people around them a living hell. I see my actions through their eyes. I see _myself_ through their eyes. My blonde hair trailing behind me like a cape. I see myself cutting into Rovers leg and stabbing Lara through her throat. The memories make me scream so loud that it wakes up Gloss in the compartment next to mine. 

He comes rushing in. The dark circles under his eyes make me realise that he is having a rough night too. But still he is here. Ready to help me. Ready to protect me the best way that he can. 

‘Are you okay?’ He asks softly, clearly seeing the tears in my eyes. 

Gloss slowly makes his way to my bed. Careful not to make swift movements. 

‘Your nightmares have gotten worse. Do you want to talk about them?’

I feel the tears stream down my face. Why am I feeling this? I am a career. I should not be crying like this. 

‘Can you please hold me?’ I ask him. 

I feel the soft dip in the mattress as he settles down beside me. His arms open wide for me to dive into. And I do. I dive right into them. 

‘Why am I feeling this?’ I manage to say through my own sobs. 

‘Because you figured out they were human. You feel guilty. You realised you destroyed a whole lot more than just the kids you killed.’ He says, slowly stroking my hair. 

‘I hurt them. I hurt all those people. I thought I had the right reasons. They were just in my way. But now I don’t know. Is glory a good enough reason to kill?’ I look into his eyes as I say this. 

‘I don’t think there ever is a good enough reason to kill someone. But I guess the games aren’t about being human. You didn’t have a choice but to kill someone to save yourself. And don’t start Cash, volunteering had nothing to do with it. If you did not do it one of the other tributes would have. They were dead either way.’

I start to shiver as his words settle into my mind. 

‘Gloss, I am scared. I am scared to do even more damage. To our family. To you. I don’t want to hurt you. But I am so scared. What if we end up hurting each other?’

Gloss sighs heavily. 

‘No one said this was going to be easy. I suppose killing people was never supposed to be easy. Being scared does not make you less of a career Cash. It makes you human. The only one I know who does not care at all is Brutus. And he isn’t exactly human either. We all feel this. We all figure out just how much it has hurt us over the years and how much we gave up for the glory of winning the games.’ He tells me. 

I let my tears flow freely. Gloss knows they are there and he will not tell anyone. Those tears never leave this room. 

* * *

The closer we get to the Capitol the harder it gets. I try to think of other things than what is about to come but the fear never leaves. My nightmares about the games are now merged with my memories of my first night with Seneca Crane. My first night as a Capitol whore. There is no way to erase those memories from my dreams. Just like I can’t erase the games from my dreams. 

When I feel the train slow down at the train station the panic starts in. We are almost there. I have been in my compartment for the last hour. The preps were excited to go home and they would not stop talking about the wonders of the Capitol. I could not stand it so I stormed out of the room. Gloss stayed behind to clean up my mess. His poker face is way better than mine. Maybe if I practice I can pretend as well as he can. Maybe it just takes time. I hear a soft knock on the door with my brother saying I have to come out. I don’t want to. Maybe if I stay here they will forget about me. 

The enormous crowd at the train station takes me by surprise. Back at home my life had gone back to normal. At least for the way people looked at me. I could walk through town anonymously. No one even recognized me for most of the time. But I did not have that luxury here. Before the games I would have loved the attention. I would have done everything to be famous. To be one of these people and have all the opportunities the Capitol provided. But I guess the games changed that as well. 

After a good amount of attention at the station we are driven to the tribute center. The District one floor feels familiar and I almost feel like I am home. It is as close to home as I have been for a while. When I walk into the living room I notice we are not alone. The fireplace is lit and there are wine glasses on the table. On the couch I recognize a familiar face. Although I have only seen him once I recognize him immediately. Snows puppet. The victors pimp. Tiberius. Gloss is standing beside me aware of our company. His shoulders seem tense and as if someone has ordered him he lowers his eyes to the ground. He looks a lot younger than he is. I see him grab his wrists as if to remind him of something. 

‘ _Puer_ , get ready to meet Julia Congrove. She will be your date to the party tonight. Car leaves at 21.’ 

Gloss tenses once again at the word that Tiberius uses for him. His eyes stay focused on the ground while he slowly turns around to make his way to his room. Just before I see him disappear around the corner he swiftly looks at me. I see a new emotion in his eyes. _Shame._

I almost jump up when I notice that Tiberius is now standing in front of me. I look in his eyes not knowing what I should be doing. 

I see his hand at the same time I feel it hit my cheek. 

‘Dear Cashmere. Rule number one, never look me in the eye. We are not equal, you better remember that. I thought Gloss would have told you. He seems to remember my rules perfectly. Although it took him some time to get used to them.’

Still recovering from the blow I turn my eyes to the ground. 

‘Good girl. Now, my second rule you already know. It is not only my rule. Actually it is mostly Snow's rule which I am happy to enforce.’

His hand rests on my shoulder when he walks around me. I can feel his breath at my neck. 

‘Follow orders and never refuse. I do not think I have to warn you of the consequences if you break rule number two, do I?’ 

His other hand lightly touches my neck as he pulls my hair out of the way. I feel his lips against my skin and a cold stream of air finds his way across my body. If they think being in the arena is scary they have never met Tiberius. 

‘We are always watching. I heard Seneca Crane was quite pleased with your performance. But I will say that Seneca is not your typical client. Most of them will expect more than you showed us with our dear friend Crane.’

I feel his hand find my knee from which it slowly makes his way under my dress. I try not to react. To not let it affect me. I don’t want him to see the fear that engulfs me. His hand finds its way to my underwear. 

‘I, for example, am not convinced you understand every aspect of our deal. I am afraid I have to teach you a few things about following orders in the next couple of weeks.’

I startle as his hand gropes his way under my dress. His body is pressed to mine, making sure I can not move away. I thought I knew what fear was. Being in the arena is all about fear. But no one has ever scared me as much as Tiberius. Seeing Gloss change in front of my eyes at just the sight of him makes me wonder what he has done to him.

All of a sudden he steps away from me. His demeanor changes from a predator to a businessman. 

‘You and your brother will stay here for the next four weeks. Both of you have a lot of work to do so make sure I can contact you at any time. You will entertain Helio Boggart tonight. He will go with you to your victors party and he will decide what to do after. Your preps will be here in an hour to get you ready. Car leaves at 21. Don’t be late.’


	5. Chapter 5

My prep team finds me bawled up on the ground. I can’t explain what really happened so instead I say that I was so tired I fell asleep right there. They complain about the way my face looks and tell me we probably need a lot of time to fix it all for the party. I simply nod and let them do whatever they think is necessary. As they whisk me away to my room I see our escort Melia watching me. She looks confused, she is not the brightest person in the world but she does not believe the story as easily as my prep team. 

After prepping for almost two hours Melia decides the team is done which they gladly accept. She waits by the door to make sure all of them leave the apartment before she closes it and walks my way. 

‘Are you alright, Cashmere?’ She asks. 

‘Yes. I am fine. Being with the team is just exhausting sometimes.’ 

My answer does not satisfy her. 

‘Why were you crying on the ground when we walked in?’

I can not tell her. She can not know about Tiberius. No one has told me to keep it quiet but I don’t want to find out what they will do if I tell anyone. Melia has been helpful in the past. But she is not one of us. 

‘Games memories.’ I say. 

Mentioning this will probably ruin my reputation as a career. A career doesn't cry about the arena. Hell, according to Capitol standards no victor can cry about the arena. Winning the games is glorious, why would you cry about that? 

I can see the disgusting look in Melia’s eyes. It makes me wonder if she is disgusted by the games or the fact that I cry about them. 

‘Fine.’ She answers.

I follow her with my eyes as she walks over to my closet. 

‘Let’s find you a dress for tonight. I would say something classic but sexy. Show yourself as the beautiful girl you are instead of the fighter they saw in the arena.’

I stay silent while she picks out the perfect dress for the night. I decide to trust her judgement on the dress. How could I know what I was supposed to be wearing to a Capitol party? She finally settles on a dark red long dress with a slit almost up to my hip. The cleavage is so deep I am afraid I will flash someone. Melia assures me it will be fine. If only she knew. 

I wonder what Gloss would think about the dress when I realise I haven’t spoken to him since Tiberius sent him away. Suddenly I am worried. He knows Tiberius better than I do. He knows what he is capable of. 

‘Melia, can you do something for me?’

‘Of course darling, what do you need?’

‘Can you check if Gloss is okay?’

She looks puzzled. 

‘Why?’

‘Just do it, please.’

I see the annoyed look on her face as she turns around and heads for the door. Melia isn’t a bad person but she is not exactly my friend. I slowly turn around to look in the mirror again. The dress is outrageous and a small voice in my head says I should pick out another one. Another voice tells me that all the dresses in my closet look like this. All of them are too revealing. All of them making me look more sexy than I want to. I try to adjust the top to make myself feel less exposed but every change only makes it worse. 

‘You are wearing that?’ I hear the sarcasm in my brother's voice as he is leaning against the doorframe dressed in a black suit. Our eyes find each other through the mirror.

‘I don’t really have a choice. Apparently my stylist likes this a lot. All of them look like this.’

I watch him as he walks towards me. The top buttons on his shirt are strategically left open to reveal his chest. The pain in his eyes is still visible.

‘Did he hurt you?’ His voice is soft like he is almost afraid to ask. 

‘No. But he scared the shit out of me.’

‘Yes. Tiberius is pretty skilled at making sure he gets what he wants.’

Gloss is now behind me but we still look at each other through the mirror. 

‘Gloss, I have never seen you so scared. Not even in your arena. What can the guy do that you diminish to a puppet the moment you see him?’

I see him close his eyes and take a deep breath. It takes a while before he opens them again. 

‘Don’t ever ask me about Tiberius. I don’t want to talk about it or think about it more than I already do.’

The look in his eyes scares me. His eyes are not full of shame or pain. They are empty. Drained of all emotion. I don’t even recognize my brother in them anymore. I think about what Tiberius said just a few hours ago about teaching me how to follow orders. I assumed that he would boss me around to make sure he knew what I was doing. But would that be all? What if I would find Tiberius’s name on the card one morning? 

Gloss had closed his eyes again. The tension in his body is clearly visible. I do not want to scare him but I can not look at him like this. I slowly reach out my hand to touch his. As soon as he feels my fingertips he grabs my hand and holds on for dear life. Trying to escape the pictures in his head. My fingers are crushed in his grip but I don’t mind. My body has experienced worse in the games. After a few minutes he calms down. His shoulders start to fall and his eyes slowly open. I recognize him again. 

‘I am sorry’ He says.

‘Don’t be. It’s not your fault.’

He draws me into a tight hug and we don’t say anything. 

I hear the sound of Melia’s heels before I can see her and I know she will burst through the door not caring for our privacy. Just moments later the door opens and a frantic Melia tells us that we are late and that we need to get downstairs immediately. Gloss draws away and looks into my eyes. His eyes are normal again. No fear. No pain. Just Gloss. I feel him take my hand and lead me to the door. Here we go again. 

* * *

The longer we are in the car the more tension I feel. Tiberius warned me that the men of the capitol expected more of me than Seneca had and that made me anxious. It didn’t help that this party would be my first appearance with a _date_ by my side. How was I supposed to pretend that I chose the man myself? Pretending in private was hard enough. How could I ever pretend in public and smile while doing it? 

I know Gloss is beside me in the car because I am still holding his hand. His gaze is somewhere in the distance. Was he preparing to play this game? Was he getting his act together? How could I find the same button he used to do this without thinking? Maybe I should distance myself from who I am. To protect the real Cashmere. Wasn’t that what Gloss had said after my _date_ with Seneca? That I should protect myself at all cost? 

When the car stops I am still working on preserving Cashmere. Gloss notices and buys me some time by getting out first. I can see the middle aged woman waiting for him. I see him kiss her cheek and I see him putting his arm around her waist. Come on, Cash. Make sure you put your mind in the right spot. 

And then all of a sudden I feel empty. 

No more fear. It is like I am a new version of myself.

This Cashmere is trained to be fearless. Trained to have a deadly purpose. I soon realise it is the Cashmere that won the games. The Cashmere who loves the attention and who does not shy away. The Cashmere that killed 6 children without a thought because she didn’t care. I don’t like this Cashmere. She is not me. Well, she must be part of me but she is not the real me. Not the Cashmere that Gloss knows. This is the Cashmere that can handle everything when the real one can’t. 

As soon as I step out of the car I see the man who will be my companion tonight. His blonde hair is shining in the moonlight and he is wearing a velvet suit. Embedded in his jacket I can see the symbol of the sun. I can see the sparkle in his eyes and the grin on his face when his eyes scan my body. He takes my hand to help me out of the car and immediately takes me into his arms. Before I think about it I kiss him on his lips. I can feel his hands on my butt and I leave them be. It feels useless to object knowing what will be expected of me. 

While Helio takes my hand I can see Gloss waiting for me. His _date_ content at his arm. The puzzled look on his face makes him break character for only a minute before he gets back to the smiling Gloss they expect. While I walk past him to make my grand entrance I look deep into his eyes. Hoping I can tell him I will be okay. 

The party is extreme. I thought the attention at the train station was outrageous but it doesn’t even compare to what I am experiencing now. Everybody wants to talk to me. Everybody wants to get a good look at the newest addition to the pack. A lot of people like to tell me about the different moments of the games and how I did all of the things I did. About a dozen times I am told that people knew I would win from the very beginning. One man says he knew from the moment I volunteered. How could I not win under the guidance of my own beautiful brother. Deadly but beautiful. Gloss almost gets as much attention as I do. I am not sure he likes it. But he smiles his way through it. As always. 

Helio leaves my side after half an hour. Probably sick of all the chatter and attention. He whispers into my ear that he will find me when he needs to and I only nod as a reply. Gloss never leaves my side. His _date_ has found a few friends to chat with so he should be free to walk around. But he never does. I see him staring at something in the distance and I try to follow his stare while I listen to my admirers. It doesn’t take long to figure out who he is looking at on the other side of the room. 

Tiberius is walking around like he owns the place. I see the shimmering earpiece and immediately know that not even a tiny step out of line is permitted. He will act as soon as I give him a reason to. I try to distract Gloss by grabbing his hand and involving him in our conversation and I see him snap out of his stare and get back to the man he is supposed to be. I squeeze his hand slightly to make sure he is here with me. The squeeze back tells me he is. 

The party goes on for hours and I find it hard to stay awake, happy and involved in the conversations I am having. It is tiring to hear the stories of the games over and over. This Cashmere can handle it. But the real one would be a puddle of tears right now. But I don’t blink. They can not see that Cashmere. She has to stay hidden. I freeze when I hear Tiberius his voice behind me. 

‘Excuse me, gentlemen. Miss Grimes, will you dance with me?’ 

I know his question is not a question at all.

His words, spoken to me only a couple of hours ago, ring in my ear. _I am afraid I have to teach you a few things about following orders._

His question is not a question. It is an order. I throw my eyes to the ground while I think of the best way to answer. 

‘It would be an honor sir.’ I manage to blurt out with a faint smile. I try not to look at his eyes directly but I have to pretend I am answering him. I decide to glance up really quickly and look at him just long enough to make our conversation believable. As he takes my hand I see Gloss ask his date for a dance. He is trying to stay close to me the best he can. 

I let Tiberius lead me around the room. Dancing is not really a thing back at home and I have no idea what I am doing. I see Gloss struggling to lead the woman he is dancing with. He almost steps on her toes but she saves him from the embarrassment by taking over his lead. He smiles at her, probably glad he hasn’t gone down while pretending to dance. The woman doesn’t seem so bad. She seems to care about my brother. She wants to make sure he is okay. I feel a strange sensation as I watch them interact. Maybe not all of these people are as bad as I assume. 

‘Are you enjoying yourself? I am pleased to see you took my advice to heart.’ Tiberius whispers in my ear. 

I decide to play along. Maybe it makes my fear for him go away. 

‘I _am_ enjoying myself. All the attention is a bit overwhelming though. Everybody wants to talk to me. It is quite exhausting.’ I tell him. 

‘That is what it is supposed to be. This is your party. They celebrate you and the way you got here. You must never forget who is responsible for your survival.’

He makes me curious. 

‘Who is responsible? Assuming you are not talking about what I did to win the games.’

He grins at my question. 

‘My dear Cashmere. The games are much bigger than you and your actions. Your brother knows that. Snow knows that. You know that. All these people are in some way responsible for your survival. All of them answer to Snow. They sponsored you and your brother. Made sure you didn’t die of starvation. They pay for your house, your salary, your exclusion from the reaping for the next few years. They pay for everything. You just have to pay them back.’

I feel a terror rising in my throat. How long was I supposed to be doing this? How many years would it take to pay my debts if my debts just got bigger and bigger every month. 

‘I am assuming that denying everything a victor gets is not an option to settle my debt.’

He chuckles.

‘No. It is not. And even if it was I would never let you. People have been asking about borrowing you since the reaping. It got even worse when they found out you had a famous and handsome brother. Some of them even want to rent you as a pair. Me included.’

I feel my stomach almost twisting. A wave of nausea hits me. 

‘So behave, miss Grimes. Don’t make me angry.’

As if on cue he ends our dance and hands me over to Helio. I take a quick look at Gloss who is still dancing at the other side of the room. His eyes follow me but he knows there is nothing he can do. I let Helio lead me away to his car. As soon as we're inside I feel his hands on me. I smell the alcohol on his breath. Come on, Cash. Don’t let him touch the real you. Let him do whatever he wants. Play along. Make it a game. But make sure you win. 


	6. Chapter 6

I don’t know what time it is but it is late when my car finally arrives at the tribute centre. I stumble out and take the elevator to the first floor. Everything is silent as I make my way to my room. I throw my shoes in the corner of the room and my dress almost immediately follows. They make me feel like the whore I am and I don’t want to look at them any longer. Will all my clothes feel like that in a couple of weeks? Will all of them make me feel like a whore? I no longer care if I wake anybody and decide to take the shower I desperately need. 

The hot streams of water are painful on my back but I don’t mind. I had played along with whatever Helio demanded. I had even made some moves myself to satisfy him. But it felt wrong. It was like I had betrayed myself. Like I was making sure that it would happen again by doing what they wanted. I did not want to do it but I did it and made it seem like I wanted to. I hate the Cashmere that made me do it. But I also need her a lot. The real Cashmere would have crumbled under the pressure and I did not want to face the consequences that came with that. 

After half an hour my skin feels red and bruised. I try to clean myself but I can not change the fact that I still feel dirty. I still feel his hands. The slapping of his skin against mine. The warmth of his teeth biting in my breasts. I am exhausted but I am too scared to go to sleep. I know that Rover is waiting for me. I can almost see the smirk on Lara’s face. My mind tells me that Lara should be happy. That I spared her a fate as a capitol whore. But I doubt that she will see it that way. 

Eventually I can't help it. I am too tired to stay awake. And as I expected they are all there. All my kills. Rover, Lima, Purse, Jack, Elisa and of course Lara. They wear their wounds proudly as if they want to remind me what I did. I know what I did. Even without them showing it to me. All of their deaths are etched into my memory. Printed in the fibers of my brain so I never forget. I expect Lara to come forward and tell me that I am not worthy of being a victor. But it is not Lara who steps up. It is Purse. 

_ ‘So this is the sad excuse of a victor that I died for? This is what the oh so brutal Cashmere turns out to be. A crying baby who can’t even handle the Capitols attention. I wish I killed you before you turned out to be such a disgrace. I would have given District 1 a real winner.’ _

As Purse walks towards me I see the wounds on his arms and chest grow bigger and boulder. The blood is soaking through his shirt. In his hands I see a spear pointed at me as if he wants to kill me. I have seen the image before. Purse and I were the last two tributes in the melee of the alliance. I was sure he was going to stab me with the spear but in the end my flying knife landed in his chest before he could strike. I knew that killing my district partner was a no go. But it was the only thing I could do if I wanted to survive. Now the image in my dream is just as clear as it was the first time in the arena. Purse has his spear and I have nothing. This time he will win. This time he will be the victor and I will be sent home in a box. 

I wake up the moment the spear is going to pierce my stomach. I am breathing loudly and sweat pours down my back but there is no screaming this time. A tickling sensation rushes through my stomach as if the spear is really there. I have to remind myself that it is not real. I survived. Purse didn’t. I feel my whole body shaking and it takes a while before I realise the sun has come up. It’s time to face the living again. 

When I walk into the living room the table is set for breakfast. There seems to be an awful lot of food for just Gloss and me and I start wondering who will join us today. I notice the absence of red envelopes and the hope of a no-date day rises in my stomach. I don't know if Gloss is up or if he has even slept in his own bed but I am hungry and I can’t wait for him. 

´Where did you go after the party?’

The question startless me as I had not seen her sitting on the couch. 

‘If you value your life you do not do that again in front of a victor.’ I tell her. 

Melia grins. 

‘I am not scared of you Cashmere. You are not in the arena.’ 

‘I might not be in the arena but if someone scares me I will still be able to throw a knife at you just like I did to Purse. Maybe you can ask him how it feels. O wait. No, you can’t, he is dead.’ The sarcasm is more than I intended but Melia deserves it for scaring me. 

Without another word Melia walks towards me and the breakfast table. She stays silent for a while but I don’t think she will leave without an answer. So I decide to answer. 

‘Why do you care? Are you my babysitter?’

‘Someone told me you left the party with Helio Boggart.’

I instantly feel the urge to kill the snitch. Although I don’t know how she knows. 

‘Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. It is none of your business.’

Melia tries to keep up her smiling persona but she is failing. 

‘It is. You are 16, Cashmere. He is in his mid forties.’

I don’t like where this conversation is going. I don’t want to talk about it with her. I can’t. I need to get the attention away from me. 

‘Do you ask Gloss where he has been and with whom or is it just me who gets that honor?’ I ask her. 

‘Gloss is no longer my responsibility. He has to make his own decision and I can only help him with things he needs my help with.’ 

‘Well, then just pretend you are not responsible for me either and let me make my own decisions.’ I blurt out. Melia does not have a say in what I do or don’t do. Even my parents don’t pretend they can tell me what to do. They know I will not accept it. 

‘Cashmere. Let me help you.’

‘No thank you Melia.’

I want to make a dramatic exit by walking to my room but as soon as I turn around I see Gloss grinning at me. He is leaning against the doorframe, as always. I try to make him step aside but he does not let me. After a few attempts he throws his arms around me. 

‘Gloss, let me go!’ I scream. 

‘Not until you have apologized to Melia. She was just trying to help.’

‘I don’t need her help. She is not my mother.’ I say.

‘’She knows that. You have made your point. Now apologize or I will tickle you to death. Which would be a shame after you won the games.’

I recognize the old playful tone that used to belong to all my brothers. They used to make jokes all the time. They played pranks, which got them in trouble at school, and I was their favorite target. Once I found a frog in my bed and screamed like someone was killing me. They laughed at me but when they realised I was really scared all of them stopped. After that night Gloss started checking my bed before I went to sleep so I wouldn’t get scared again. The thoughts about the old Gloss make me sentimental. That Gloss is gone. The Gloss that always laughed. The Gloss that did not have a care in the world. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I miss him. I miss the old Gloss. 

I finally give in.

‘Melia, I am sorry.’

I can see the smile back on her face. Although I can’t figure out if it is about the apology or if she just enjoyes seeing the two of us smiling together. 

‘Apology accepted. I will always be there if you need me. Now, I leave you two alone. Just remember the preps will be here in three hours.’

‘Preps?’ I ask. 

‘You have an interview with Caesar tonight. I will see you then.’

Gloss is still holding me while Melia walks to the elevator and leaves us alone. I like his strong arms around me and I don’t want to break our embrace. So I don’t. 

‘Your hair smells nice Cash.’

I feel a faint smile appear on my face.

‘Had to take a long hot shower to feel human again. Guess the smell is just a side effect.’

Gloss sighs. 

“It gets easier. I know how horrible you feel. But don’t be all sad about having the interview.’

I am confused. Gloss doesn't like Caesar Flickerman the slightest. 

‘You don’t even like him.’ I say. 

‘No, I don’t. But meeting Flickerman means… no  _ date.  _ Well at least for you. That has to count for something.’

* * *

Until the preps arrive we spent our time in the training hall. When there are no tributes it is mostly empty, So the victors have permission to train there if they want. I don’t want to but Gloss needs it so I tag along. I am sitting on the wrestling mat as I watch Gloss train. He is still skilled with the sword and somehow the memories don’t drive him away from the weapon. My eyes have moved over to the knives section a couple of times but every time it makes me shiver. Guess I am not ready yet. 

Gloss doesn't believe me when I say that I don’t want to train with them. He picked up a sword the moment he stepped into the training hall during his victory tour. As if he never even thought about putting it away. Maybe he, ironically, is even more a career than I am. 

‘Come on Cash. Throw a few. Maybe it will help you.’ He pushes. 

I slowly rise up from the mat. I never thought about the possibility that it could help me. Maybe throwing a few of them might actually smack my brain into place.

‘What should I be throwing at? I don’t know if I like the dummies. They look too human.’ I say,

Gloss, surprised by my sudden change of heart, walks me over to the knives. 

‘You could use targets on the wall. I will draw them myself.’ Gloss suggest. 

I nod slowly while I keep my eyes on the stack of knives beside me. All of them clean and shining. They are the same once I had in the arena though the once I had were never this clean. My fingers trace the handles. I feel a tickling sensation in my hands. They want to hold them again. They want to hold the weapons that had made me feel so powerful. I slowly close my hand around the knife and pick it up. I am almost too ashamed of what I am feeling to admit it feels good. 

Gloss has drawn various targets on the wall for me to throw at. My first attempt is a bit shaky and does not land even close to the cross it was supposed to hit. But every attempt gets me closer. Until all of them find their targets like they used to. I see Gloss smiling at me. He doesn’t approve of killing but I get why he is happy. I feel alive again. I feel powerful. And suddenly I get it. Training makes him powerful. The only aspect of his life he can actually control.

After two hours of training we get interrupted by an avox with a red envelope. He hands it to Gloss and walks away as fast as he can. It must be scary to be in a room full of weapons with two people who actually know how to use them. As Gloss opens the envelope I see his body tense up again. 

‘We should go upstairs. Your prep team will be there in half an hour and I have to get ready too.’ He says

He doesn’t look at me but heads straight for the elevator. We spent the way up without saying a word. Whoever the date is, Gloss is not happy about it. 

As soon as we are inside the apartment I see his anger come to the surface. Gloss doesn’t hide it well and it is like he doesn’t even notice me. Is this what he was like last year? Being angry all the time because there was no one looking? He throws the envelope on the couch and storms off to his room without saying anything. 

This Gloss scares me. I have never seen this version of my brother. Not even in the games. It makes me wonder who’s name is on the card. I do not want to break his trust but I need to know why he is so upset. 

It feels wrong to open the envelope but my curiosity wins. I want to know. As I open the envelope I feel his pain. The golden letters tell a story I had not thought about. 

_ Decius Tiberius, 16, Dress dirty. _

Apparently not only the women of the capitol want Gloss as their pet. The men do too. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I have a couple of chapters already prewritten and ready to post. I will not post them in one go but there will be a couple of them coming soon. Hopefully it will get me through my writers block so I can continu the story.

I don’t know how but I wake up on the couch in Gloss's room. I must have stumbled in somewhere during the night because I remember he wasn’t home when I came home. He is now. I can’t remember if I paid attention to the way he looked when I came in or if the dim lighting had made it impossible to see but I am glad I didn’t. Sleeping would have been hard with the image that I see now in my head. I can see the rope burns on his wrists again and his back looks like he has had a turn on the whipping post back home. I begin to understand why he doesn’t want to talk about Tiberius. 

I hear him groan as he wakes up. It takes a while for his eyes to open as well but when they do he sees me immediately. He doesn’t say anything.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask. 

‘Tell you what? That it is not only women who like me or that Tiberius has a fetish and he likes to use me to demonstrate that?’

‘Both, I guess.’

‘I told you I did not want to talk about it.’ He says.

He turns around to face the opposite wall. The red stripe on his back is on full display and it looks awful. There is only one stripe but it must hurt like hell. I can’t imagine what more than one lash might feel like. 

‘I can handle the women. But the men are different. With the women I still have some sort of control. I am the one on top. The one deciding what is going to happen. But with the men I am lost. I have no control at all. They are always the one that decide. Especially with Tiberius.’

Losing control. I know what it feels like. 

‘He makes me feel so small and helpless. Like I am still a child who has to do his bidding. It gets me so angry.’

I slowly stand up from the couch. I make sure I am silent but I also make sure that Gloss knows I am coming his way. His shoulders are shaking. His eyes closed. I silently sit down on the bed in the curve of his body. His hand is within my reach and I grab it without hesitation. 

‘Tiberius said that he would teach me to follow orders. But I -’

I feel him squeeze my hand while his eyes open. I see the real Gloss behind them. 

‘Don’t be afraid. He likes men. He likes to have power over guys who would best him in seconds in the real world.’ he says.

‘He likes you a lot, doesn’t he?’ I ask. 

‘I am afraid so. He makes sure to see me at least once every time I visit the Capitol. The last two times it was always on the last day so he doesn’t have to hold back and he can hurt me physically as much as he wants. I think I was kind of surprised to see his name yesterday. That’s why I got so angry, I wasn’t expecting it.’

Gloss’s body has seen worse from the games but still it makes me angry. 

‘Will you be alright?’ I ask him. 

‘Yeah, I will. It was a lot worse last year on the train home. And you didn’t even notice it then. I will make sure I take a bath to let my back heal.’

I see the faint smile on his face. He tries to reassure me that he is okay. But he is not doing a very good job.

* * *

The next couple of weeks go by slowly but they go by. The day we are going home encircled on my mental calendar. Counting the days till the day will arrive. In the meantime we spend our time between dates taking long walks in the morning, because the people in the Capitol don’t wake before noon and the empty streets make me feel weirdly safe, and spending time in the training hall. I have switched the targets on the wall for the training dummies. Pretending they are the men I am forced to sleep with helps a lot in training. It helps me take back control and it helps me to smile again. It feels weird to be happy about throwing knives. It doesn’t feel like it is a good thing to feel when you are 16, but I try to remind myself that none of what I feel is supposed to be felt by a 16 year old. 

Cashmere the Victor, yes I gave my alter ego a name, helps me through the endless dates. She shuts off my mind and helps me to be what they expect. She disappears the minute I leave my clients and then I just feel awful about it all. But it helps to have her during the dates at least. 

I also get the feeling that I am doing a good job because there hasn't been a visit from Tiberius in weeks. He showed up the second week to test if I still knew the rules but after that he had left us alone. The both of us. 

Looking at the way Gloss handles all this makes me hopeful. Maybe it is possible to do this and not sell my whole soul in the process. We try to make the best of the situation. To make sure the Capitol isn’t only littered with bad memories. We have to go back to the place every year so we better also make some nice memories to think about. 

Melia is extremely helpful in that process. She shows us the special places. The beautiful sunset on a rare day with no dates. A beautiful park where we have a nice picnic, just before we are recognized and have to flee. She tries. She still doesn’t approve of my dates and the things she reads about me in the media. Various media outlets see the parallels between Gloss' victory tour and mine and assume that our family is just very experimental. It hurts to hear the things they say. We are not like that. People would know that if they asked our brothers, two of them have steady girlfriends, but they don’t. I guess gossip is way more interesting than the truth. Gloss and I know the truth but I am afraid what my mother will say when I return home. 

It is our last day in the capitol when I sit on the couch in the early morning. Nightmares had woken me up at 6 and going back to sleep was not an option. So I decided to settle myself on the couch and watch a dull capitol soap about a capitol representative in the districts. I don’t pay attention at all. 

I hear Gloss scream in his room. Apparently his kills have returned to him as well. His eyes are puffy when he stumbles out of his room and falls next to me on the couch. We don’t say anything. We just stare at the screen together. 

We watch the whole thing through and when it is done I notice the avoxes setting up breakfast. In the middle of the table I can make out two red envelopes. Just like our last day after the games. One for Gloss. One for me. One more date to go through before we get home. Before I can lock Cashmere the Victor away and get back to the real me.So I can pick up the pieces and get back to living. 

Gloss notices the envelopes too but he doesn’t make a move to get his. I suppose he already has an idea whose name he will find on it on his last day in the Capitol. I shiver when I think about it. He knows what is waiting for him and he can’t escape it. 

I decide to stand up and get the envelopes. Better get this over with. I throw the one bearing Gloss his name in his lap. He doesn’t even look at it. Not even for confirmation.

While I open mine I feel the tension I always feel. I can’t open the envelopes without it. As soon as I read the words on the card I realise the tension has turnt to fear in an instant.

_ Decius Tiberius. 14 _

I had not expected his name at all. I had been dreading the moment I would find his name but Gloss assured me I wouldn’t. Especially not today. But if his name is on my card then who is on Gloss’s?

‘Gloss, you should probably open your envelope.’ I say, still shocked. 

Gloss notices the tone of my voice.

‘Why? I know whose name is on there. I will check the time later.’

‘Please open it.’

His eyes look puzzled but I see his hands move toward the envelope. As he reads the card he sighs. 

‘I told you it was Tiberius. Nothing unexpe…’ He stops mid sentence. 

I see tears well up in his eyes. His card came with a message just like the last time. Under the name and time is written in curly golden letters:

_ Prepare for a family affair.  _

He makes the connection pretty fast and rips the card from my hands trying to find a mistake. Trying to find a way to explain what the cards say. After a while I see his shoulders drop. His head in his hands. 

‘I thought you said he did not like girls.’ I whisper.

‘He doesn’t. When I asked Enobaria about him she said he never appeared on her cards. She even told me he was known to only rent boys. I believed her.’

‘So why now? Why is he on my card? Why is he on both of our cards? I thought I did everything he wanted from me. I have not refused anyone or anything. Did you?’

I see him shake his head. So this was not about punishment. Or one of us did something we didn’t even realize was a mistake. I try to think about all that happened. Every date. Every party. My mind goes all the way back to the beginning. My head stops when I remember the conversation Tiberius and I had on my victory tour party. The conversation which had made my stomach turn. 

_ Some of them even want to rent you as a pair. Me included. _

A shiver runs down my spine 

‘What if it is not a punishment but his next step.’ I say.

Gloss his eyes tell me he has no idea what I am talking about. I have to tell him but I don’t know how. I force my eyes to the ground as if Tiberius is already here calling the shots. 

‘Tiberius told me at the first party that people had been asking him about me ever since the reaping. Even more so when they found out you and I are related. He told me that people wanted to rent us as a pair.’

Gloss his anger is there in an instant. He jumps up from the couch, picks up the first thing he can find, some old vase, and throws it around the room. The avox girl in the corner ducks just in time as the vase crashes into the wall. I see him crash his body into the wall. Slamming his fists on the hard surface until they bleed and the wall is covered in red stains. He falls to the ground as the tears stream down his cheeks. 

I don’t know what to say. He knows Tiberius. He has shown up multiple times with the evidence of Tiberius’s cruelty on his wrists and back. But still seeing him this upset scares me. I get the feeling I don’t want to know any more about Tiberius than I already know. 

* * *

After Gloss calms down enough we make our way down to the training hall. I know that is the only way Gloss will be able to truly calm down without hurting anyone but himself. We don’t talk at all. Trying to deny what is coming for us in a few hours. 

I know Gloss is trying to figure out what to expect because his aim is terrible. Throwing knives has never been his best skill but today he is awful. Not one of the knives hits its target. Some don’t even hit the dummy at all but just clatter to the ground. He screams out of frustration and runs towards the elevator without saying a word.

Half an hour later I decide to follow him and stumble into our apartment. The mess of Gloss’s outburst has been cleaned by the avoxes and there is no sign of it ever happening. Even the vase has been replaced by a very similar one. I stop in my tracks when I notice Melia sitting on the couch. 

‘What do you want?’ I ask her.

‘Gloss seemed very upset when he came in but he doesn’t want to talk to me.’

I don’t answer her. I know Gloss is upset but I don’t want to explain why. 

‘Cashmere. Talk to me. What is going on? The both of you are on etch all the time. I started to notice you return in the middle of the night with your hair a mess. You take extremely long showers every night. And I am not even going to talk about the rumours of all the people you have been seen with. The same thing happened to your brother last year. So please explain to me what is happening.’ She says.

I have to be quick. I can not tell her what is going on. I am pretty sure Tiberius would not like it if I did and even if it was allowed I do not think I can talk about it. Not even if Melia could help. 

‘Nothing. Having freedom just hits us the same way I guess.’ I smile at her.

I was never a good liar but because of the games and Snows demand I took a crash course and I am way more believable than I was. It works for my clients anyway. But it doesn’t work for Melia. She may be smarter than I thought she was. 

Melia stays silent. 

‘Melia, please go. There is nothing wrong. And even if there was I would not tell you.’ I say.

I can see she is not happy with my answer. She is determined though. 

‘Cashmere, I am here to help you. Please let me.’ She begs. If I had my training knives she would have one between her eyes right now. 

‘There is nothing to help with. Just leave us alone!’ I scream at her. 

I don’t want to hurt her but I want her to stop asking all those stupid questions. If there was a simple solution I would have already done it but there isn’t one. I don’t like the idea of sleeping with the male half of the Capitol but it is not like I have a choice. 

I see the tears in her eyes but I don’t feel sorry. She has brought this on herself with her stupid questions. I hear Gloss’s door open. Apparently my screaming has caught his attention. I watch him take his usual position against the doorframe. He is not wearing a shirt and the red nail marks of yet another date are visible on his chest. I see Melia’s eyes grow big when she notices the marks. 

“Melia, please. Let it go.’ He says calmly. The exhaustion in his voice chills me. 

When she walks to the elevator I can hear the anger in her steps. Let her be angry I think. I will still not tell her anything. Gloss is staring at me and I have a hard time looking into his eyes. 

‘You should get ready.’ He tells me. 

I just nod. Afraid to say something in case my fear finds a way out through my mouth. He doesn’t need my fear on top of his own. 

I see him turn around and walk towards his room and I start off towards my own. 

‘Cash?’ 

I turn around.

‘Don’t dress up too much. He hates that.’


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere and Gloss are forced to play a game they never imagined. Things are getting though for the brother and sister.

I hear Gloss knocking on my door. I know it is time but moving my feet seems harder than normal. When I stand up I feel them drag along and I almost fall down. The yellow cocktail dress is pretty modest for Capitol standards but I am still afraid it is too much. Gloss said not to dress up and I realised I don’t know how to do that. Dressing up is hard, not dressing up is even harder. 

Gloss doesn’t say anything when I open the door. What is there to say? Instead he grabs my hand and helps me walk towards the elevator. His hands are sweaty but we both have no intention of letting go. Gloss helps me into the waiting car downstairs. The car that will bring us to someplace I don’t want to think about even though it is the only thing I do think about. 

The fear I feel since this morning gets worse and worse. In my mind I have made up so many different scenarios about what is going to happen. I am afraid to find out how Gloss gets the rope burns and the lash marks on his back. Knowing he gets them is worse enough. I don’t want to see it happening but I am afraid I will. I will see my brother get hurt and there is nothing I can do about it. It almost feels like he is in the arena again. The only difference that he will not be in mortal danger. I haven’t even started to think about what Tiberius could possibly do to me. I guess even my mind does not want to think about that. 

Gloss holds my hand all the way to the front door of Tiberius’s penthouse. I feel him squeeze my hand to reassure me.

‘Don’t try to save me. I will get hurt but I can handle it.’ He whispers. 

‘Gloss…’

‘Please. I can’t forgive myself if he hurts you when I have a chance to protect you.’

I don’t know what to say so I stay silent. Thinking I can change his mind is an illusion. 

I see Gloss knock on the door. His shoulders drop along with his eyes. He remains himself, no made up persona this time. I try to let Cashmere the Victor takeover but my fear won’t let me. I guess this is something even she can’t smile her way through. 

The door opens and Tiberius is smiling down on the both of us. He is dressed in only a towel. Gloss’s grip on my hand loosens until I feel it disappear altogether. The now grinning Tiberius steps aside and I follow Gloss into the apartment. My legs feel like jelly again. 

Gloss steps through the door, takes a few steps and falls to his knees. For a moment I think he isn’t feeling well but when I try to check on him Tiberius is blocking my way. Gloss is sitting on his knees. His hands in his lap and his eyes to the ground. It only takes a second for my brother to become a paper doll. To become a puppet. It scares me to see him like this. He is nothing like the man I know. It’s almost like I am looking at a stranger in my brother's body. 

‘ _ Puer, _ your shirt.’ Says Tiberius in a plain voice. 

I see Gloss lose his shirt and go back to his kneeling position. He sits perfectly still waiting for something to happen. Programmed to wait for an order. 

Tiberius turns his attention to me. 

‘My dear Cashmere, what an honor to finally find you in my presence. Normally I don’t rent the female victors but I could not miss this chance that has been in my darkest day dreams since you first came to the Capitol.’

His body pushes me against the door while his hands grope at my breasts. I focus my eyes on the ground and try not to shiver under his touch. I look at Gloss and see the tension build up in his back. I hope he doesn’t burst because I don’t know what Tiberius will do. 

I feel his breath near my ear. 

‘What better to torment my favorite victor with than his little sister?’ He whispers. 

I close my eyes. This is not about me. It is all about Gloss. All of this to torture him. I start to wonder what Gloss did to deserve this. What has made Tiberius this angry at my brother? 

Tiberius moves away and with just a snap of his fingers I see Gloss rise to his feet. He follows Tiberius into the bedroom and without thinking I follow the both of them. Afraid to do something wrong, I find Gloss standing in the middle of the room. He lost his shoes on the way and the tense muscles in his chest betray his otherwise calm state. His calmth is almost unnatural considering the situation. Tiberius is leaning against him with his hand on Gloss’s crotch. I see my brother's knuckles turn white while he listens to the information Tiberius is feeding him in a whispering voice. His eyes grow big. 

‘I am not doing that.’ He says. His voice trembling. 

‘Have you forgotten my rules? Do I have to remind you of the consequences?’ Tiberius taunts.

‘But she is my sister. I can’t hurt her like that.’ 

‘You can and you will. Or you both pay the price.’

Tiberius gives him a small push in my direction. Our eyes meet as Gloss walks my way. His hands are shaking violently. He brushes my hair out of my face before he places both of his hands at the base of my neck. He looks me in the eyes for the first time today and I can see the horror in them. 

“I am sorry.’ He says. Before he kisses me. 

My mind tries to string together the information I am getting. Tiberius is known to only like the male victors. He admitted to never even bothering with the female ones. Just me. To torment Gloss. I expected that we would have sex while Gloss was forced to watch. But now Gloss is kissing me. Gloss is kissing me after saying he did not want to hurt me. Suddenly it all snaps into place. Tiberius is not having sex with me. Gloss is. 

It takes a moment to process in my mind. He obviously can’t refuse. We both can’t. I don’t know whose life is on the line but I guess we both know the person very well. So we have to deal with this. We have to make this work. We have to make this work and still be able to look each other in the eye. I will not lose my brother over this. 

As I break away from our kiss I see the tears in his eyes. I wipe them away with my finger.

‘Gloss, it’s okay.’ 

I can see he does not believe me. So I kiss him back. Urging him to go on. To not make Tiberius angry. 

He gets the message. 

I feel how his hands unzip my dress. How they let the dress fall to the ground. His fingers dancing on my back. Following the curve of my body. I kick off my shoes while I, in return, open the button of his pants and let them slide to the ground. We make our way to the bed both very aware of Tiberius sitting on the chair in the corner. He seems to enjoy our little game. I can’t help but notice his focus on Gloss. He doesn’t even look at me. 

Gloss is gentle with me. Doing everything he can to make the situation less horrible. I feel his hands roll down my underwear kissing my stomach in the process. He loses his own underwear shortly after. I try to pretend he is just one of my clients and not my own brother but I can’t. I curve my hands around his all too familiar shoulder blades. I have hugged them more times than I can count the last couple of months. They are part of my safe haven. They are my rock in a stormy sea. 

‘ _ Puer _ . Do it.’ Tiberius says, breathing heavily. 

When I glance at him I see him stand up with a whip in his hands. I feel Gloss shudder at the sight of it. But he still hesitates. Not sure if he can really do it. I try to look into his eyes. To tell him it is okay. But he is strategically avoiding my gaze. 

I hear the whip before I see the pain in his face. A solid lash lands on his back and I see his back arch. He grunts in pain while he closes his eyes. One of my hands grabs his. I want him to know he is not alone. Not this time. This might be our worst nightmare but we are in this together. My gentle squeeze in his hand makes his eyes open. I feel the tears well up in my eyes as I look into his. I lay my other hand at the base of his neck and I kiss him. Not a kiss of passion but a kiss of love. I love the man he is and this will not change that. 

‘Do it!’ Tiberius says again.

I let my hand play with his hair to make him comfortable. It is an empty motion. Both of us stunned by the situation. I feel him pressing my legs outward. He places his hips in between my legs and looks away deliberately when he does what he was ordered, I can not help but to cry out when he does. I feel my hands still playing with his hair. I can not keep them still. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Tiberius making his way to the bed. He has lost the towel and is completely naked. He is clearly excited by our little act. I feel the dip in the mattress as he joins in. Gloss jolts upward and I see his eyes grow big as Tiberius starts humiliating Gloss even more. The hard rocking motion hurts me, but not as much as it hurts him. He moans out in pain and almost destroys my fingers in his powerful grip. 

I feel the anger boil up inside me. Why is this happening? Is all of this the price for winning the games? We were promised a perfect life. A house, fame and more money than we need. Instead it keeps hurting. It keeps taking us back to the games. Back to the endless fight for power. The endless fight to live. Where even if you are the stronger one they make sure you play by their rules. If this is freedom then I don’t want to know what enslavement is like. 

Tiberius deliberately breaks our eye contact when he grabs Gloss his hair and pulls it backwards. The painful moans escape Gloss’s mouth as the rocking motion gets rougher and rougher. Tiberius finishes in a scream and Gloss crashes on top of me. He rolls off of me almost immediately. I feel an incredible urge to cover myself up. I want to disappear in de pillows behind my back. Just pretend I am not here. 

‘Cashmere, wait outside.’ Tiberius says to me. He is too busy with something to look at me but his intentions are clear. I jump up from the bed and try to find my underwear and dress without making Tiberius angry.

I freeze when I see Tiberius walk towards Gloss with a length of rope in his hands. He clearly isn’t done yet. He grabs Gloss’s right wrist, wraps the rope around and ties the end of the rope to the bars at the top of the bed. His left wrist soon follows. Gloss pushes himself up on his elbows and knees. I see his head turn my way and stare in his empty eyes as soon as they meet mine. 

‘Please Cash.’ He begs me. 

Tiberius looks at me while he waits for me to leave. The whip back in his hands. 

‘I won’t leave you.’ I manage, more brave than I feel. 

I flinch as I see another lash land on Gloss’s back. Seeing it happen from this angle is even worse. He pushes his head against the top of the bed to manage the pain. 

‘Please.’ He says, his voice breaking. 

I don’t know how I do it but I find myself on the other side of the door in seconds. I get myself dressed while the tears stream down my cheeks. Wiping them away is useless. They just keep coming. I hear Gloss his grunts and muffled screams on the other side of the door sometimes accompanied by the terrifying sound of the whip. Sitting down doesn’t feel like an option. I have to keep moving. So I wander around the room, Gloss’s shirt clenched in my fists, always in earshot of the door in case the situation changes. 

Almost two hours later a shirtless Gloss stumbles through the door. His eyes are puffy and I can see the red markings of the whip make their way around the curve of his back. I rush to him but I am very aware that we are still being watched. Tiberius is lurking in the shadows of his room watching my reaction. I hand Gloss his shirt and stand on my tip toes to give him a kiss on his forehead like he has done for me to let me know I was safe. I see a flicker of recognition in his eyes as I pull away. While he tries to put on his shirt without hurting himself too much I try to not revert back to the puddle of tears I was before. I can do that later. Now I have to stay strong. 

Tiberius doesn’t say anything when we walk to the door. He just stares. We are almost outside when he calls out my name. 

‘Cashmere!’ 

I turn around slowly but don’t raise my eyes. 

‘Make sure I can reach you while you are enjoying your time at home. I may have work for you.’

A shiver runs down my spine. He may like Gloss the most, but he is not done with me yet. 

* * *

That night Tiberius enters my nightmare arena. His whip is just as real as the spear Purse likes to bring along. I see him walk my way, his whip at the ready. But, at the sound of the whip, the image changes to Gloss his pain filled face. He begs me to make him stop. To help him. And I try to. I try to catch Tiberius's arm before he can lash out but his arms aren’t there. And I see the whip come down on Gloss his back as he screams in pain. Tiberius is preparing his next blow when I decide to stand in between him and his target. When the whip touches my cheek I jolt awake. 

The sheets are wrapped around my legs and I feel trapped. I kick at the sheets and jump out of the bed. I imagine Purse in my head. Taunting me and saying I am not worthy of the title victor. I can’t blame him. I am hardly the career I imagined myself to be. I should not be fighting with my sheets afraid they will trap me. I should not be scared to face the children I have killed. But look at me. It is my last night in the Capitol and I am too scared to climb into my own bed. 

Gloss and I had not talked or even looked at each other on the way back to our apartment. He had touched my arm lightly when we were in the elevator but my body had reacted to it like he had stung me. It wasn’t on purpose but I could not explain it either. When we had reached our floor he had made his way to his room. The bloodstains on the back of his shirt a silent reminder of what had happened.

I had taken a very long shower as I always did after a date. Normally it would serve to rid myself of the disgusting odour of my clients and make me smell like myself again. But this time there was no odour to get rid of. Just a very sad and angry feeling I could not get my head around. I did not want to feel disgusted by my brother's touch. He had done nothing wrong. He had been gentle and tried to do his best to make me comfortable. But being forced to do what we had done had turned my head into chaos. Not knowing what to think or feel. 

I am still on edge the next morning. I know our train will leave in less than two hours but I still look for red envelopes on the breakfast table. Scared that we are not completely out of the woods yet. They are not there. No more envelopes, no more dates. Until our next visit. 

We don’t have to pack up our own belongings, the avoxes will do that for us. We just have to make our way to the trainstation in time, dressed appropriately. I don’t see Gloss until it is time to leave. He tries to avoid me as much as he can and I don’t know how I feel about that. One side of me wants to talk about it. The other wants to forget about it as soon as possible. I almost forget that there is still one part of the victory tour left. The celebration in District 1. It has been postponed a couple of weeks because of our lengthy stay in the Capitol, but we still have to attend it. The celebration is because of my victory after all. Melia reminds us. Gloss nods and makes his way to his compartment as soon as he can. He is clearly not in the mood for a celebration. Melia seems a little bit startled by the way that Gloss and I react to each other and to her but she has left the nosy part of herself in the Capitol. 

I feel the train already slow down when Gloss appears again. He stands behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. My brother has turned into my mentor again. 

‘Get Cashmere the Victor out one more time. Keep entertaining, keep smiling. Pretend nothing is wrong. You are a victor. Don’t let Tiberius win.’

When I look at him I see the version of Gloss when he is in the Capitol. The laid back smiling version of my brother that I hardly recognize. I try to find Cashmere the Victor. Try to push the real Cashmere back into her protective shell and get the other me out one more time. One more time before she can disappear till the reaping. 

I go up on stage, give my last speech and give a tribute to Purse. His family looks at me in disgust. If only they knew that he visits me almost every night. 

I can see my mother gaze at me at the party after the speech. Her eyes grow small as if she is scanning every part of me. Gloss sees it too. I see him make his way towards her. They embrace each other and I can almost feel Gloss his pain as her arms fold around his back. It must hurt like hell. 

As soon as I get the chance I make my way over to them. 

‘Mom?’ I manage to say. 

Cashmere the Victor disappears instantly and makes way for a broken down and fragile version of the real me. 

My mother frees herself from Gloss’s embrace and comes over to hug me. I nestle myself in her arms and press my face into her neck. There are still cameras on me and I don’t want them to see me cry. 

‘’Are you mad at me?’ I whisper to her. 

‘I don’t think this is the time and place to talk about that. You need to dry your tears, take your brother and be who they want to see. We will talk when we are alone.’ She whispers back. 

I get a slight feeling that my mother might know more about the Capitol than I think she knows. But I agree with her that this is not the time or place to discuss that. I try to clean up my tears before I let go. 

‘Are they gone?’ She asks softly. 

I nod. 

I feel her push my body away. She holds my shoulders as she looks deep into my eyes. 

‘Go get them. My beautiful princess.’ 


	9. Chapter 9

The next few weeks go by in a haze. I spend my days lying on the couch and watching terrible shows on the television. My mind has been chaotic since the day we returned and I can’t shake off the feeling that I am worthless. It doesn’t help that Gloss has taken the exact same approach. I haven’t seen him in weeks. Mom says he has locked himself in his house and he doesn’t talk with anyone. Fibre, the brother closest to Gloss in age, tries to have him over for dinner but Gloss doesn’t even think about it. He slams the door in Fibre’s face without a word. 

I feel lost. I can’t seem to find a way to understand the chaos. My dreams are a wild mix of the games, the faces of every single member of my family screaming and Tiberius and his whip. None of what I feel makes sense and the only one who might be able to understand has locked himself away. 

My mom tried to talk to me once in the first week. She sure isn’t happy with the way the Capitol treats her two youngest children but she is not aware of the full extent of their treatment. She noticed the change in both Gloss and me, but she assumes the games have done that. Not the aftermath. I decide to not break that thought. Her knowing anything could be dangerous for all of us. We never talked about the question I asked her at the end of the victory tour. I never asked her again if she was mad. I guess I can not get the words out of my mouth when I am not an emotional wreck. 

The sound of someone knocking on my door wakes me up. I have been sleeping on the couch, not even bothering to change into decent clothes. I listen for the sound of the door opening. Only one person would barch through the door without me opening it for him. The rest of them all wait for me to get up. But the door doesn’t open. Gloss is not the one standing in front of it. I drag myself to the door and hope that the person in front of it is up for the way I look. 

Fibre and his now wife, Rosie stare at me in disgust. I have known Rosie for a long time. She and Fibre met each other when they were 15 and have been inseparable since. For a moment I think about what would happen if Fibre was the one who had been a victor. He has our genes. Would they force him to sell himself with Rosie waiting at home? The thought depresses me. 

‘Cash, can we come in?’ Rosie asks.

Without an answer I hold the door open for them. Letting them walk into the messy version of my kitchen. As I get myself a glass of water I see Fibre lean against the wall and Rosie grab a chair. Both of them looked at me intently. If they expect me to start a conversation they are mistaken. They came to see me so they better start asking the questions. 

“What happened on the tour?’ Rosie eventually begins. Glancing at Fibre in the proces.

I feel my muscles tense. I had expected them to ask about Gloss and me but not like this. I deliberately drink the water to buy me some time to think. 

‘What do you mean?’ I answer. 

‘’When you came back from the games you were thick as thieves. Which we all thought was totally normal considering what the both of you went through. But after the tour you both came back totally cold. Not even seeking each other out.’ Fibre says. 

I am not even surprised they noticed. 

‘Maybe we reverted back to normal. We weren’t always the best of friends.’ I try.

“Cashmere, even you know that is not true. You were a terrible teenager. We all experienced that. But you and Gloss were always close.’ 

I think back to the times when there was nothing wrong between us. Fibre is right. We were close. Fibre, Lux and Silver always ran around together and when they were young Gloss was one of them. But the 4 years between Fibre and Gloss split them up when they got older. Now the games have split us up even more. They are whole and unscathed. Forced to stay in One, but free to love and marry. We are damaged. 

‘So, Gloss and I don’t talk at the moment. Gloss wasn’t very social last year after the tour.’ I say. 

“Cashmere.’ It’s Rosie this time. ‘It is not about being social. You two are avoiding everything and everyone. We are worried. About the both of you.’ 

Rosie does sound worried. And I know Fibre feels the same way but he does not quite know how to express himself. I guess it is a side effect of tribute training. Showing emotions is not allowed as a career. It is the first lesson you learn. 

“So what am I supposed to do about it? I am not magical. I can not heal all his scars. I can not protect him from the Capitol. Hell, I can’t even protect him from the nightmares. So tell me. What am I supposed to do to make this better?’ I ask them. 

Fibre is stunned. But Rosie is not impressed. 

‘You could start talking to each other. If there is anyone who understands what he is going through it’s you.’

It is such a simple proposition. Just talk to him. I would run over to him immediately if it was that simple. But everytime I think about it I see the pained look in his eyes and I feel him crush my fingers. I hear the whip and his begs for me to not make it worse. I have to look away from Rosie as I feel my body get uncomfortable. Normally when I think about that night I bury myself deep into my blankets and scream at the top of my lungs. But doing that right now is not an option. 

‘I can’t.’ I manage. I feel the tears well up in my eyes. 

Rosie and Fibre glance at each other.

‘Why not?’ Fibre asks

Fibre knows it is a loaded question and I think he understands that he is not getting an answer. My family might not know what the Capitol does but they have seen the both of us go through the games. They have seen the horrors through our eyes. They probably realised soon after Gloss came home that the Capitol likes to keep a close eye on their victors and that Gloss would never be the same. I was the blind one, focused on getting my attention back. 

‘You know I am not going to answer that.’ I whisper to the both of them. 

I hear Rosie get up. As she walks my way I close my eyes. Trying to make the tears disappear. I feel her arms around my shoulders. The moment she holds me I feel my facade break down. Like my body is made up of a thousand little stones that are now crumbling to the floor. The tears stream down my face and I search for oxygen in labored breaths. My hands try to break free. To fight myself out of the strong hold she has on me. But all Rosie does is hold me. She holds me together like glue.

‘It’s okay.’ She whispers. 

She doesn’t tell me she understands. She doesn’t try to sooth me or to make me stop crying. She just lets me be. The tears come and they don’t stop. They all flash in front of my eyes. Rover. Purse. Lima. Jack. Elisa. Lara. Gloss. Even Lila. I see Lux. Silver. Mom and Dad. Fibre. Rosie. How many more people will I hurt? 

It takes me more than an hour to calm down. Rosie keeps on holding me. Not demanding an answer. Not demanding an explanation. She has known me since I was nine. She is almost like a big sister. The one who I went to when Marcus wanted to take the next step in that short romance last year. She tries to be there for me. She does all that she can. 

I start to realise why I have been so down lately. I have lost my rock. My safe haven. I have lost the one who understands my pain. Who understands my fears. I miss him. I need him just as much as he probably needs me to stay afloat. To steer our way through this mess. I promised myself I would not lose him over what Tiberius made us do but I  _ am _ losing him. He is slipping away every day probably blaming himself for it. Blaming himself for something he had less than zero control over.

‘What would I say to him?’ I ask Rosie. 

‘You will figure it out. Cashmere, you two need each other if you want it or not. He will understand you better than I ever can. You will find a way.’ 

She kisses the top of my head. The same place Gloss always kisses to calm me down. She takes my hand and helps me to my feet. I don't even bother putting on shoes. Gloss’s house is the next one over, my socks will do. My hair is a mess and it looks like I haven’t showered in days but I guess he has seen me in worse shape. 

I slowly make my way up the stairs to his house. Rosie practically pushed me through the gate but did not follow herself. Probably better if I do this alone. I am pretty sure we will have to talk about things that I don’t want Rosie to know. I know I will not wait for Gloss to answer the door but I still knock all the same. Scaring a victor is never a good idea. I slowly open the door. I hear the television playing in the background and I find him in his living room. Sitting on the couch staring at the television screen. He knows I am there. His body language betrays him. 

“Who sent you? Was it mom?’ He asks. 

‘No one sent me.’ I answer. 

Gloss looks at me. A familiar smirk on his face. 

‘Cash, you learnt to lie but you don’t fool me.´

‘Fibre and Rosie came to talk to me. But I decided to come.’ I shrug.

I walk to the armchair and nestle myself in it. Gloss looks at me. His face puzzled. 

‘Are you mad at me?’ He asks out of the blue. 

I am startled for a moment. 

‘Why would I be mad at you?’

‘Well, I did technically rape you. Pretty good reason to be mad at me.’ He says. 

I get why he says it like that. It is probably what he has told himself as an explanation for my absence in his life. But I will not let him take the blame. 

‘You did not rape me, Tiberius did.’ I answer. 

Gloss’s eyes stare at me. Probably trying to figure out what to make of this. 

‘If you are not angry, then why have we not spoken in weeks?’

Why have we ignored each other? I guess we are both to blame for how things played out. But I know deep down what has kept me inside my house. Guilt. None of this would have happened if I had not volunteered. Gloss would be a victor, I can not change that, but he would never have been forced to mentor me through my own games. He would never have been forced to sleep with me. 

‘Because I feel guilty as well.’ I say. 

His eyes grow big and a flashback of that night comes to the surface. I try to push it away. We stare into each other's eyes for a long time. Understanding each other without words. After a while I see the corners of Gloss his mouth turn upwards. The old Gloss appears with a smile to go with his beautiful face. 

‘We are unbelievable.’ He laughs. ‘Come here.’

He opens his arms and I don’t hesitate. I have missed his warm embrace, his strong shoulders and the slow beating of his heart. He plants his signature kiss on the top of my head. I can’t help but smile as I feel a spark of happiness for the first time in a while. 

‘I can’t lose you Gloss. Whatever happens. You are the only one I can talk to. Rosie tried to help. But she will never understand.’ I tell him. 

‘I know. Mom keeps nosing around to get me to talk. I think she is really worried.’

‘What’s mom's deal anyway? How much does she know?’ I ask. 

I hear him sigh.

‘She figured out that we are not as free as the Capitol makes everyone believe. And she is mad at them for the Games. She understands I did not have a choice. And she even understands your reasoning for volunteering. She might even suspect that there are more secrets lurking in the shadows and that we are never safe. But I never told her everything. Our family is already in danger. I mean, one of us only has to put one toe out of line and we will lose one of them. And after that they will threaten the next one until they are all gone.’ He says. 

‘It sucks to have a big family. And it will probably only take time before it starts expanding. I am surprised that Rosie isn’t pregnant yet.’ I say. 

‘Cash, we can never fail them. It is very easy for our future nieces and nephews to come out of those reaping bowls. It has happened before. They can do it again.’

I let that sink in for a moment. Having my family threatened is one thing but watching them fight to the death knowing there is nothing I can do would be even worse. 

‘What is it like?’ I ask. 

‘What do you mean?’

‘Mentoring. I can not imagine how it feels.’

‘Well, I think I am not the best example having never lost a tribute. But it feels almost as powerless as the other part of being a victor. You can try to save them, but most of the time you will not succeed. Enobaria kept up her game when you killed Lima last year but it took her a few hours to truly be herself again. All of the victors try to hide their tears and anger when they lose their tributes. When they die at the bloodbath it is manageable. But as soon as they have had a shot at winning it can get really nasty.’ 

‘How did you do it? You knew me way better than any other mentor knew their tribute.’ I ask. 

Gloss shrugs. 

‘I didn’t sleep the first week. I didn’t even want to leave the viewing centre but Tiberius had my dates lined up so I didn’t really have a choice. Ruby helped out a lot. She watched you while I couldn’t. She did more to mentor you than I did.’ 

I hadn’t even spoken to Ruby after the games. She lives a few houses down but mostly keeps to herself. Being the victor of the 32nd games made her a great deal older than us. But she had kept me alive and I hadn’t even thanked her. 

‘I should thank her. I didn’t even know she helped that much. She wasn’t at any post-games parties.’

‘Because I was your official mentor. During the games we help each other out. But after the games only the official mentor can stay for everything. Those with other duties assigned by the President stay as well but the rest return home as soon as the games are over. They are allowed to leave when their tributes are dead but most of the outer district mentors stay anyway.’ He says.

‘Why?’ 

‘Because we understand each other. We are lucky to have each other to talk to. And even if we did not have each other there are still 6 other victors to talk to. Not every district has as many victors as we have. No other victors means no one to talk to. No one to help you out who truly understands what you are feeling. So we stick together. We help each other out. Try to make sense of our lives. When you only get that change once a year then you make the most of it. Ruby just likes to be alone so she left when you were recovering.’

Ruby was deadly in her arena. Not caring for anyone or anything. She murdered 9 tributes in cold blood and didn’t even hesitate to spear her district partner in the final battle. She kept up her persona and was now fighting her demons alone. No husband, no children. Just her and her very big house. I wonder how Gloss and I will end up. How long would it take for the people of the Capitol to back down and let us have a relatively normal life again? Would I ever be able to have a real relationship? Would I ever experience the same love als Fibre and Rosie share? Maybe someone would be able to love me enough to look past my job as a Capitol whore. Maybe they will let me have a child of my own. But I don’t think they will as long as I am young and beautiful enough to be valuable to them. 

Gloss and I are both too valuable. Both of us are worth excessive amounts of money. What would it cost to rent us both at the same time? I assume Tiberius didn’t exactly pay for our company, he just took what he wanted, but he said there were others and if they asked about it they must be able to afford it. A feeling in my gut tells me that Gloss and I will be forced to have sex again. 

‘It will happen again.’ I tell Gloss after a long silence. 

‘What will?’

‘Us. People paying for us as a pair.’

He sighs. 

‘Yes. I am afraid it will. They have a lot of victors. But we gave them something they didn’t have before. Something they can not wait to get their hands on.’ He answers.

I can’t lose him again. I need him, especially in the Capitol. 

‘We can do that. You were the best experience I have had. Just never forget that I don’t blame you. Ever. You have as much say in it as I have.’ 

Gloss is still holding me. His finger is drawing little circles on my arm. 

‘As long as you stop looking at me like I am some sad deer. None of this is your fault so don’t take it up on your shoulders. You carry your own burden, don’t carry mine as well.’

‘I promise.’ I say.

‘Then so will I.΅ He answers. 

In the two weeks following our conversation we come up with a plan to keep breathing. We start by getting up at normal hours, getting dressed and running errands. Gloss apologizes to Fibre for treating him like dirt but both Rosie and Fibre are just happy we are talking again. Rosie even thanks me for saving the both of us. I guess they're just really afraid to lose us which kind of makes sense considering they almost did. Gloss and I start working out together. We set up several targets in Gloss’s backyard and throw knives until the sun goes down. Each training makes me feel more in control. Snow may control my life in the capitol but here in district 1 I am calling the shots. 

Until my 17th birthday, when Snow decides to send me a gift. 


	10. Chapter 10

When I hear the knock on the door I just expect Fibre and Rosie to have turned up early. They are coming over for dinner in an hour but maybe they decided to come ahead of time. Gloss has already been with me since that morning. We have cleaned up my house and sorted all my games memorabilia. I am finishing up my conversation with him as I open the door. 

Fear overcomes me immediately when I see him smiling at me. 

‘Happy Birthday, princess’ Helio says. 

I stumble for words and feel a shiver run down my spine. Helio Boggart was one of my first clients and is rumored to be the best of friends with Tiberius. Come on Cashmere, get your act together I scream at myself. 

‘Helio! What a surprise!’ I manage. 

Without an invitation he steps through the door and scoops me up into his arms just like the first time we met. I am too shocked to protest. 

‘I missed you princess!’ He exclaims. 

Gloss is in the kitchen and I am pretty sure he is hearing every bit of the conversation we are having. But he is not reacting to it. Probably wondering what this means just the same as I am. My mind is racing. 

‘Helio, what are you doing here?’ I try to say with a smile.

‘I am overseeing business for the next couple of months. My company has had some delivery problems and I want to find the solution.’ 

I feel his hands on my ass groping around happily. I see the flicker in his eyes that I have seen before.  _ Months.  _ He could be here for months. 

‘Does Tiberius know you are here?’ I ask.

He smiles broadly and I already know the answer. Tiberius had warned me to stay available. 

‘Of course Cashmere, he helped me arrange it all.’

As he kisses me I feel his hands find their way to my breasts. He is already opening the blouse I am wearing. I have to do something. Gloss is still here. If Fibre and Rosie decide to come in early they can be here any minute. I have to stop this without him taking it as a refusal. An idea springs into my head and I deliberately take a few steps backward. Moving myself into Gloss’s line of sight. As Helio moves his lips from my mouth to my neck I make eye contact with my stunned brother. I need him to back me. He understands and nods silently. I see him switch to his Capitol persona in front of my eyes. 

‘Helio.’ I say. He pulls his head away from mine and at that moment Gloss makes a noise. Helio looks surprised and steps away from me. He is listening. If I want to try this I have to do it now. 

‘Helio, I am sorry, it’s my birthday, I have people coming over. They will be here any minute now. Maybe we can meet later?’

I am on very, very thin ice. He could see it as a refusal. He could report it back to Tiberius. But I have to make sure he is gone before Fibre and Rosie are here. 

He thinks about it for a second but smiles eventually. 

‘Of course princess. Have your party. I will pick you up at eight for our part of the celebration.’

He kisses my cheek, nods at Gloss and walks out of my front door just as sudden as he appeared. 

I am about to crash to the ground but Gloss catches me before I fall. His strong arms hold me up on my feet. 

‘That was very dangerous Cash.’ Gloss says. 

‘I know, but what if Fibre and Rosie would have burst through the door seeing him? I don’t want to explain it to them.’ 

I breathe heavily and Gloss tries to calm me down by kissing my hair. 

‘Gloss, what is he doing here?’ I ask. 

‘I don’t know. Tiberius never did this to me. He has me working around the clock in the capitol but never here.’ He sighs.

So much could go wrong. What if anyone saw me with him? Was I supposed to pretend it was nothing? Or even worse pretend it was something I chose. I had wanted to keep my Capital life as far away from my home as possible. Gloss had done it successfully. I never even suspected what was asked of him until I was in the Capitol and Snow told me. Why did I not get the same chance to forget? Cashmere the Victor was supposed to stay away until the reaping. 

But I have to think of something right now. I have to make up my mind. In a couple of hours I have to meet Helio again and he will expect nothing less than what he got in the Capitol. I had planned to spend a long dinner party with my family but now my time with them was cut short by a few hours. Trying to change the time of the appointment was as brave as I dared to be, calling it off was a straight out refusal and therefore not an option. So I guess I am now dealing with the lesser of two evils. 

An ice cold feeling comes over me when I realise I have to give Fibre and Rosie a proper explanation. I can not tell them the truth. I don’t want to put their lives at risk more than they already are. But I have to explain why I am leaving in the middle of my own party. 

‘What do I tell Fibre and Rosie tonight? We can’t tell them. I don’t want them to know.’ I feel the panic rise. 

Gloss looks into my eyes. 

‘I will handle it. Say you have some unexpected Capitol Business at the mayor's house because of your birthday. It will be fine.’ 

His hands brush the hair out of my face. The panic hasn’t settled down. 

‘Cash, you can do this. You know how. Lock your feelings away. Be what he wants you to be.’

‘Preserve Cashmere.’ I say. 

“Exactly. Now go put on a dress that will work for Helio as well as for our family. Make sure you give him no reason to contact Tiberius for anything but positive remarks.’ 

He kisses my head once again before letting me go. As I walk up the stairs I see him grab a knife and throw it at cupboards of my kitchen out of frustration. 

I haven’t looked at much of the dress section of my wardrobe in a while. They all remind me of my Capital life which I do not want to think about. But now I no longer have a choice. Most of the dresses are outrageous and would probably cause Fibre to vomit on sight. Even the most modest dress is excessive for a family dinner. I know there is one dress that would fit. But that one has been buried in the back of my closet because I don’t even want to look at it let alone wear it. But it is my only option to please both halves of my company tonight. I make a mental note that I need new clothes, fast. As I dig for the yellow cocktail dress I wonder what Gloss will think when he sees it again. Would he be able to look past it? 

As I hear the door open and close I try to hurry up. Fibre en Rosie seem to be in a festive mood. Probably because they're more than happy to be able to celebrate another birthday with me. I wish I could be as happy but Helio’s dark cloud makes it hard to even smile. I spend some time in front of the mirror redoing my make up and getting my hair into a quick updo. Helio will have to accept this is the best he will get today. He has stolen enough time. 

When I walk down the stairs I hear Gloss and Fibre laughing. I feel a warm feeling in my stomach. A laughing Gloss is quite rare these days. I let a little bit of Cashmere the Victor in to help me put up a smile. Fibre and Rosie don’t have to experience the same fear Gloss and I feel. 

Gloss instantly stops laughing as he sees what I am wearing. I see his urge to say something but he wisely takes a sip from his glass to stop himself. As Fibre hugs me and Rosie gloats about my dress I mouth the word ‘sorry’ to him. He nods but I see his knuckles turn white. 

Rosie has been cooking, at my expanse, to give us a perfect family meal. She talks about how happy she is to celebrate my birthday, how wonderful my house is and how beautiful I look. Every time she mentions my dress I see Gloss look away. Not wanting to think about the last time he saw me in it. I nervously watch the clock every few minutes. Eight o’clock is arriving fast. To fast in my opinion. 

Gloss and I instantly look at each other when we hear the knock on the door. Rosie and Fibre look up surprised. 

‘More people coming over?’ Rosie asks. 

Gloss saves me before I can answer. 

‘Cash has to go to the mayor's house, something to do with the Capitol. They sent a message this morning.’ 

‘And they are coming to get you for that? Do they think you can’t go on your own?’ Fibre laughs. Rosie slaps his arm, having a better sense of when jokes are appropriate and when they are not. 

I smile at him. If only he knew. Gloss rises to his feet when I do. 

“Will you please get the door?’ I ask him. 

He nods. 

I say a quick goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law and promise to make it up to them. 

Gloss is standing in the hallway, the door is slightly ajar. He probably told Helio to give me a minute but did not dare to close the door on him. His arms open and welcome me in a swift hug. 

‘I am sorry about the dress.’ I whisper

‘Don’t be. I will get over it. Don´t let him wait any longer.’

I don't want to let go. 

‘I need you.’ I stammer. 

‘I know. I will wait for you.’ 

He kisses the top of my head and lets me go. My hand is on the door handle when I let Cashmere the Victor take over. No mercy. No hesitation. No feelings. Just plain old business. Just plain old keeping my family alive. 

I smile as I open the door far enough for Helio to notice me. 

‘Hi princess, you look stunning.’ Helio says loudly. I worry for a moment about Fibre en Rosie hearing our conversation but Cashmere the Victor puts it to the back of my head. Gloss has to deal with that part, I have to deal with this. 

I step towards him and kiss him on his lips. Might as well start right away. I have changed the time and kept him waiting. My room for errors is non existent. 

As Helio walks me to the car waiting in front I glance over my shoulder. The door is closed. Gloss is playing his part and I am pretty sure I will need him a lot the next couple of months. 

* * *

Helio’s arms feel like a cage around my shoulders. He is lying on his back with my head on his hairy chest. We’re both completely and utterly naked. Cashmere the Victor had helped me through most of the date but left me as soon as Helio had collapsed to the bed. I have been contemplating asking him what is expected of me for half an hour but I am too afraid to ask. 

He wants sex. That’s for sure. He didn’t even care for any niceties as soon as we reached his temporary house near the justice building. He took me straight up stairs and started undressing me on the way there. The only question was how this was gonna work. Was I supposed to always be ready for him to drop by? Would I get a call or a card just like in the Capitol? What if people saw us together? How was I supposed to act around strangers if rumors were to come out about an affair? 

I jolt up as I hear the ringing of the telephone. Helio laughs at me. I am still not used to telephones and them being able to ring. It is not like I have a lot of people to talk to outside of the district. Helio gets up, puts on a bathrobe and walks towards his office. Apparently the caller isn’t someone who cares about how he looks. I take it as a sign to gather my belongings and make myself presentable again. 

I jolt again when Helio answers the video phone and a very familiar voice fills the air around me. I hear the voice every night in my nightmares. Tiberius. 

Of course he knows I am here. He probably set it up himself, being the control freak he is. I have to talk to him if I want to know what is going on. I have to be brave and look into the eyes that have haunted me. As I zip up my dress I begin to walk towards Helio. I don’t look presentable at all but just like Gloss, Tiberius has seen me in worse shape. 

‘Cashmere, darling, it has been too long.’ Tiberius tells me. 

Helio is smirking at me from the corner. Clearly amused by their little roleplay. He is just as bad as Tiberius, taking full advantage of the situation. 

‘I did not realise you missed me so much. I thought you were not interested in me at all.’ I say. It is all I dare to say. 

‘I am interested in all my victors one way or another. Although I must admit you and your brother do feel very special.’ 

A wave of nausea crashes in like a tsunami but I stay my ground. 

‘Come on Tiberius, we both know we are not having this chat to improve our relationship. What do you want from me?’

‘There is my girl.’ Tiberius says. 

I look over at Helio who is still smirking in the corner. 

‘Helio will stay in District One till the games, maybe even after that, we will see. He will be busy and will need a lot of distraction to stay happy. So when he calls, knocks on your door or sends a pigeon to deliver his message for that matter, you will answer. Immediately and correctly. Don’t let me find out you try to change the time of your date again. I will not be as forgiving next time.’ 

I stare at him in disgust. I hate him. I hate every fibre of his being. I also decide that my house is bugged. 

‘What will I say? What if someone finds out and asks me about it?’ I ask.

‘Oh we will be discreet. Cars with blacked out windows. Peacekeepers picking you up. You wandering into town and miraculously ending up on Helio’s doorstep. I have my ways and nobody will find out.’

‘Gloss knows.’ I blurt out, not sure why. 

‘And he knows very well to keep his mouth shut. The two of you are protecting the same people. He will not even risk it and if he does maybe you should show him the lovely dress you are wearing. He will remember the consequences.’

I have nothing more to say. He has thought of everything and the only thing I can do is follow orders. 

‘Now go to the car waiting outside. Gloss is waiting for you.’ 

As I turn around I feel his eyes still on me. 

‘Oh and Cashmere, watch out with Rosie. She is connecting dots and will find out if you let her, please don’t, losing her would be an awful shame.’

The sound of his threat rings in my ear. I had heard them before but hearing it directly focused on Rosie makes it all seem very, very real. We assumed they were in danger if we stepped out of line. But now she is in danger if I don’t actively feed her the lie I am forced to live. The perfect life of a victor. 

The car ride takes only a couple of minutes and the driver stops right in front of my door. The sky outside has turned to dark and only a small light betrays someone being awake in my house. He waited like he promised. When I open the door I can see a light coming from the kitchen. Gloss is playing with a knife, his face contorted into a frown. One of my cupboards bears the evidence of his frustration as a few knives stick out. He looks up when he sees me but he doesn’t stand up. I am glad he doesn’t. I love him but I don’t really need a man's hands on me right now. 

‘Are you okay?’ He asks. 

‘Yeah. I am fine. Just the same old story.’

I rub my hands against my forehead in an attempt to get rid of the chaos in my head. 

‘I spoke to Tiberius.’ I tell him. 

The mention of the name makes him freeze. It takes a few seconds for him to get his posture back. 

‘What did he want?’ Gloss asks. 

‘For me to play the dutiful slave and turn up whenever Helio has the slightest itch in his crotch.’ I answer. 

‘What a classic way to charm a lady.’ Gloss shrugs. 

‘He also told me to keep it quiet. I told him you already knew.’

‘And?’

‘He told me to show you this dress if you even had the slightest thought about telling anyone.’ I can not look him in the eye when I tell him. Not about this. 

I see him shiver a little at the flashback his mind produces. I think I have a pretty good guess what he is seeing. 

‘You don’t have to remind me. You and I both know that talking about this will cost us way more than another night at Tiberius’s place.’ 

I can only nod. 

‘He also threatened Rosie’s life.’

Gloss sits up straight while his eyes grow big. The terror in his face was clearly visible.

‘Why? Why Rosie?’ 

‘He thinks she will find out about our… work. He wants me to make sure she doesn’t. Did she buy your story?’ I say. 

‘She did.’ 

‘Good.’ 

‘We have to keep her safe. It would destroy Fibre to lose her.’ 

I just nod. It would destroy a whole lot more than just Fibre. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are hard to keep.

Gloss spends more and more time at my house the next few weeks. I get the feeling he is losing control if he doesn’t know what is going on. So he stays at my place, keeping tabs on how many times Helio sends word. I don’t mind. Gloss and I can communicate without words and it is nice to have someone around. We mostly train together, run our errands and watch tv. We look like an old married couple but that is fine by me. It keeps us both on our feet and makes me able to handle Helio. 

Tiberius wasn’t lying when he said Helio would be demanding. He sends word four or five times a week and I start to wonder how they are keeping this a secret. But somehow they manage. I often get the message to wander into town and end up on his doorstep. I always make sure no one I know sees me but it is not without difficulty. Gloss always makes sure he is at my home when I get back. I have found him sleeping on the couch on more than one occasion and told him that he did not have to wait for me. But he still does. Maybe it is his way of protecting me when his other options are limited. 

I am in my room when I hear my name. Gloss is standing in the doorway. His shoulders hunched, eyes to the ground. It is almost like Tiberius is here watching over his shoulder but I know that would be highly unlikely. I do, however, see the shadow of another person right behind him. Helio has his terrible smirk on his face as he moves past Gloss towards me. I feel my eyes grow big, he had come to my house once when he told me he was temporarily relocating to the District. After that I only saw him at his place 

‘Hi princess.’ He gloats. 

I hate his nickname for me. It was the name my parents had used for me since I was very little. Hearing it, used to make me think about all my happy memories. Now they remind me of my worst. 

‘Helio, have I missed our date? You did not send word.’ 

‘No princess, I wanted to surprise you this time. And we have never met at your house.’ 

There is a reason why I do not want him here. Although this house is technically just as much Capitol as his own, it feels different. This is part of my safe space. The place where I do not need my alter ego. 

I see him walk towards me. His hands casually in his pockets. A grin on his face. I don’t want him here. I want to be able to sleep in my own bed and deal with my nightmares feeling relatively safe. 

‘Please, Helio. Can we go to your place?’ I beg. 

His demeanor suddenly changes.

‘No, we can’t.’ 

He grabs my wrist and pulls it behind my back. He pulls it so high I feel my back arch. I could fight him right there and then but that would get me in way too much trouble. Gloss is trying to restrain himself in the corner but he is barely succeeding. Helio notices too. 

‘Don’t even think about it young man. Or I will fly Tiberius in to make your life a living hell.’ Helio says. 

For once I don’t even have to doubt the sincerity of those words. He will do it. No doubt about it. I feel Helio’s other hand on my throat. He doesn’t cut off my breathing but the knowledge that he could change that in about a second makes me completely compliant. 

‘If I want you in your house, I will get it. You could show a little more gratitude for everything the Capitol gave you.’ 

His face hovers in front of mine, almost kissing me. He starts talking but it is not directed at me. 

‘Gloss, go downstairs and stay there. Don’t try anything stupid. I have the peacekeepers on speed dial. You just wait for me to finish, like you always do, and enjoy your sisters screams in the process.’ Helio taunts, in the same tone Tiberius likes to use. 

I hear Gloss involuntarily stumble off. His frustration will show up on the cupboards in my kitchen. 

Helio pushes me over to the bed. No kisses. No groping. He is going straight for his target. He rips my pants down, taking my underwear with it. He is pushing me down on my bed with his knee while I can hear his belt buckle open. As I feel him against my backside I realise that my mind is still here. Cashmere the Victor does not have enough time to help me out. I urge her to take over but it doesn’t work. Helio pushes my buttocks aside and I feel his fingers touching my anus. I suddenly realise what is about to happen. I have seen it happen to Gloss. I have seen the pain that he experienced while it happened and I brace myself as I feel the fingers being replaced by something much bigger. I have no other option. 

The pain destroys me and makes me scream out in agony. I try to muffle my own screams by pushing my face into my pillow but I am sure Gloss still hears them. Just like Helio, I don’t want him to do anything stupid. One Capitol psychopath in the District is more than enough to deal with right now. He has to keep his ground just like I have to. Helio is enjoying every little bit of it and I start to understand why he and Tiberius are friends. 

If I can name one positive thing about his rage is that he finishes pretty quickly. The pain, however, doesn't stop. It lingers on and I am not able to stand up. I hear Helio leave the room and walk down the stairs like nothing happened. It takes a few minutes before I hear Gloss his footsteps on the stairs. He is flying up the stairs two steps at a time. I don’t want him to see me like this but even the littlest movement sends a sharp pain through my lower body. I feel his hand on mine, probably the only physical contact he dared. He doesn’t say a word. 

I hear another pair of footsteps and a familiar voice to go with it. 

‘Cashmere, are you- ’

Gloss his arena senses take over as he pushes Rosie against the wall and puts a hand over her mouth. Her eyes grow very big as she sees me and I know she instantly made the connection about what happened. Gloss senses it too. 

‘Cash, breath through the pain. Trust me, it helps. Then we will get downstairs. Drink some tea and take a walk.’ Gloss says, talking more to Rosie than to me. 

Rosie isn’t stupid. She can see the terror on Gloss's face and she, like the rest of our family, knows that the Capitol watches their victors. Gloss tried to tell her to not say anything. The capitol is listening for sure and she will be dead in a week if they find out. I see her nod slowly. As she silently makes her way downstairs to make tea, Gloss turns his attention back to me. The look on his face is absolute horror. 

I work up the energie to push myself to my feet and pull my pants back on. Gloss watches in agony. He wants to do something but he can’t.

‘Cash, would it be okay if I hugged you?’ Gloss asks. 

The fact that he asks me gives deeper meaning to the level of protectiveness he feels. And I want him to protect me. I want him to scoop me up in his big and strong arms and hold me until all the pain goes away. Until there are no more dates. No more nightmares. Until I can feel normal again. Walk around without looking over my shoulder. I want to look at my brother and feel the childish jitters about seeing him naked. Not even imagining that I would ever have to. I want to look at him and feel the joy of having a very basic relationship. A relationship built on nothing more than family bonds and love. I don’t want to feel the need to protect him. I don’t want to have a reason to feel that way. I don’t want to think about the risks at every step I take. 

The tears stream down my cheeks as I nod at him. I fall into his arms, relying on him to keep me upright. We have to protect Rosie. I can take the responsibility for my six arena kills but I don’t want Rosie’s blood on my hands as well. Not if I can help it. I doubt she will settle for anything less than the truth but we have to make sure she knows what she is about to get into. Rosie can be quite stubborn. 

‘We will tell the fairytale including the dragon.’ I tell Gloss. 

He seems to understand my cryptic description. 

‘I agree, but we will tell her about the dragon's lair and the risks if you try to find an easy way out.’

He kisses my head and lets me go. 

‘Can you walk?’ He asks worried.

I smile at him in an attempt to calm him. 

‘I am fine. Hurts like hell but I was worse after the arena. Now I really want that cup of tea you promised.’

Gloss smiles back. 

‘I will get you your tea my lady. Just remind to keep breathing deeply. The pain will go away, trust me.’

I nod at him while he takes my hand. He has been in the exact same place with the exact same pain. And his was probably even worse. I try to add the pain of lashmarks to the pain I already feel now and decide that I don’t even want to know what that feels like. 

Rosie’s eyes are still larger than normal as she is stirring her cup of tea absentmindedly. There are two more cups on the table and I see Rosie watch my every move while I grab one. If we want to make this believable she has to start smiling again. We can not walk out the door and risk anyone seeing the state she is in. I grab a piece of paper from the counter and start to write. 

_ We will tell you the truth. But not here. The house is not safe.  _

_ Don’t say anything till we are outside.  _

_ Pretend nothing is wrong when we go for a walk or you might be in trouble.  _

I let her read it and when I see a smile forming on her face, I grab the paper from under her nose. I shred it into tiny pieces and flush it down the toilet. I drink my tea in one go and try to work on a smile of my own. Gloss is putting up a little bit of his capitol persona to make himself believable and I decide to do the same for the time being. 

‘Shall we go for that walk?’ Gloss asks as Rosie downs the last of her tea. 

‘Yeah, sure. Let’s take a long walk along the lake, it is beautiful this time of year.’ I reply. 

I lent Rosie one of my coats as she wasn’t wearing one when she came in and will certainly get cold without one. Gloss grabs my hand as we walk to the door and I feel like it is all the support I need. 

We smile our way through victors village talking about a new cake recipe I really want Rosie to try out. I tell her I will get the ingredients but she has to make it for me. She plays along. Saying she wants to make it together. Gloss nods at the peacekeepers at the gate. He is still holding my hand making sure I don’t fall. We keep up our facade until we are at the lake and we are pretty sure no one is watching. I look at Gloss, who closes his eyes shortly and takes a deep breath. Rosie looks at him with a puzzled face. 

‘So, what is going-’

Gloss interrupts Rosie before she gets a chance to ask her question.

‘If we tell you anything you must be absolutely devoted to keeping it a secret. No one in our family, including Fibre, can know. If they do, someone, most likely you, will end up dead.’ Gloss says. 

Rosie looks for the joke in Gloss's face but soon realizes that he is dead serious. I see her think about it. Rosie can keep a secret but keeping secrets from Fibre is likely to go against the agreement they made when they got married. But she also understands that the Capitol never makes empty threats. 

‘I suppose telling me at all is adding to my risk?’ She asks. 

I nod. 

‘Yes. And we wouldn’t tell you if you hadn’t seen what you saw today. But since you had to see it we thought we better tell you the whole story including the risks involved.’ I say.

‘So tell me. I will not talk about it but I have to know what is going on. Who was the man I saw walking away?’

How do I start this conversation? Talking with Gloss is always easy. I never have to tell him what is going on and how I feel. But telling Rosie is hard. 

‘One of Cashmere’s _ clients  _ from the Capitol.’ Gloss says. 

‘Clients?’ Rosie asks, looking disturbed. 

‘Clients, dates, customers. Whatever you like to call them.’

“What’s your trade?’ Rosie asks. But I get the feeling she already figured it out. She is just looking for confirmation. 

‘Me. My body. Precious hours in my bed.’ I whisper, staring at the ground. 

I see Rosie close her eyes. Trying to make sense of what she just heard. When she opens her eyes again I can see them filled with tears. 

‘They force you.’ Rosie says, more a statement than a question. 

‘With the lives of our loved ones.’

Rosie stays silent for a while while we walk along the waterfront. Gloss is squeezing my hand trying to comfort me. I just try to breath. 

‘Gloss, you know them. Can’t you do something about this?’ 

She must realize that we already tried and failed at that. But I understand she wants to know for sure. 

Gloss takes a deep breath. 

‘Rosie, it’s not just Cashmere.’

‘What do you mean?’

Gloss is struggling to find an answer. He tries to stand up straight but I see his shoulders hunch and his eyes fall to the ground. Tiberius’s whip might as well be at his back. This time I squeeze. Rosie’s eyes grow big at the transformation she sees in Gloss. It _ is _ a sight, seeing the strong man crumble at the thought of Tiberius. 

‘He means that it is not just me. They force the both of us.’ I answer her. 

She stops walking at my answer. 

‘But why? What is in it for them?’ She asks. 

Gloss has found his composure back.

‘To make money. To keep us in line. To sooth the always demanding people of the Capitol who really want to spend their excessive amounts of money on a night with a victor. Sometimes I just think it is to torture us and let us know our place. Take your pick of which reason you believe.’ 

‘Have you ever seen any payment for it?’ Rosie asks, something I had never even thought about.

‘It all goes straight to Snow. We get the exact same amount of money the other victors get.’

I think Gloss has asked about this before. Maybe Enobaria told him. Maybe he asked around to see how big the other victors salaries are. Or maybe he just knows we would never get paid for our extracurricular activities. 

‘And there is nothing we can do?’ Rosie asks hopefully. 

‘Not if you want to keep our family alive. Playing with these people is not a risk you want to take. We still don’t know why they sent Helio here, they did not do that to me last year. And they tried to drive Cash and me apart after the victory tour. It was your determination that stopped that from happening. I just try to make sure I watch out for Cash as much as I can but I am very limited in my options without making it worse.’

I can see Rosie stare in the distance making up her mind on what to ask next. 

‘What did they do to drive you apart?’

Gloss sighs. 

‘Rosie, trust me. You don’t want to know. You don’t want that image in your head.’

I can understand why Gloss says it because the images instantly pop into my own head. The terror in his eyes. Me clutching to his shoulder blades for safety. The sound of the whip. The screams of pain. No, she probably does not want those images in her head. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 65th Hunger Games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 65th games means, say hi to Finnick!

Rosie checks in on me as often as she can but never even says a word about why. She knows not to take the risk. As the reaping gets closer I see a change in my nightmares. More and more of them are about the games. I see faceless tributes run for the cornucopia and I see them murdered in every possible way. Swords, knives, spears, arrows, even hands and teeth come into the picture. I am not sleeping well and it doesn’t help that Helio has upped the amount of dates. His scheduled departure date is coming, three days before the reaping, and he apparently realises that it might take awhile before he gets to see me again. There are enough men in the capitol waiting for their turn before he will get another go. I also get word from Snow that Gloss and I are supposed to mentor this year's games along with our other duties. 

The morning of reaping I wake up screaming. Last year I woke up early for a whole different reason. I decided it was best to not see Gloss on the morning of the reaping, afraid he might try to talk me out of volunteering, so I left pretty early. I walked around the lake until I knew Gloss was already at the justice building. I even made sure to avoid the rest of my family that morning. I knew what I wanted to do but was still afraid I might get scared if they found out before I did. 

Most of the volunteers made sure to stay on the sidelines of their designated area. That way jumping up on the stage was easy and fast. I had seen Gloss sitting on the stage next to Ruby. He looked nervous, probably afraid that he would know the kids that would be reaped. I had seen it but still did not change my plan. As Melia called a 14 year old girl by the name of Scenia, I had jumped up immediately screaming the words. When I made my way to the stage I had looked into Gloss his eyes and the only thing I saw was anger. Pure and cold anger. It had confused me right away. Why was he angry? I would get us another victory and he would share in our glory. It had stayed in my mind as I-watched Purse volunteer for a 15 year old boy named Gold. I had glanced at my brother when we walked into the Justice building. Ruby was trying to calm him down while two peacekeepers walked his way to restrain him if necessary. 

Gloss was not among the people to say goodbye to me which had made sense since he would be able to stay by my side a little longer. My mom had cried and had told me to listen to my brother while my dad had been barely able to hide his disgust. Both of them had let us train but they had a very strong opinion about volunteering. Lux and Silver had come together wishing me luck and telling me not to be too stubborn. Fibre had only given me a silent hug while Rosie had spoken for the both of them. Saying I should fight my way back to them since she was not ready to lose me. 

Purse and I had sat on the train waiting for our mentors to join us when I first started to realize what I had gotten myself into. Purse had checked me out with a smirk that I could only describe as murderous. 

‘So, you thought, what my brother can do I can do too?’ He had asked.

‘Something like that.’ I had answered. 

But as soon as Gloss had walked into the compartment we both were completely silent. 

‘Cashmere, I need to talk to you now!’ He had shouted at me. 

Purse had objected immediately that Gloss was his mentor and not mine. 

‘Ruby will mentor you. And she has a way better track record than I have so suck it up.’

I was stunned by the sudden anger that my brother had inside him. I had never seen him like this. I didn’t even know he could do it. He had grabbed my upper arm and had dragged me to his compartment. When he had dropped me on the bed he grabbed a glass of water that was standing on the bedside table and smashed it against the wall. 

_ ‘What the hell were you thinking? Haven’t you paid any attention, any at all to what the games are? Have you not seen me last year? Or the past couple of months for that matter. I have been scared to death the last couple of weeks, afraid your name might come out of the reaping bowls just because they could, and when they don’t you decide to throw yourself in? For what? For glory? For attention? Or just to torture me?’  _

I remember every word of that speech as I sit up in my bed. Every single word is etched into my brain. Everything related to the games is etched into my memory in some way. Never truly leaving. I understand Gloss’s anger now. Knowing what the games are and what he was forced to put up with. But my selfish brain had taken a long time to accept the fact that I had made a mistake. Gloss getting me out alive was more luck than strategy. 

This year I will face my own dilemma's. I might still have to mentor someone I know from school and I will have to make the choices that can result in their survival but most likely their death. I have no illusions. Even with the training we get the odds are still very small. There are still 24 kids in the arena and only one can come out. 

A small bag containing some personal stuff sits ready at the chair knowing that there will be a wardrobe provided by Melia in the Capitol. Gloss urged me to make a show and make sure that they would instantly remember their victor so I already picked out a dress. The diamonds are a bit much but it will only be seen in the District for a while. This year, unlike last year I deliberately do visit my family. Gloss and I do it together, the small bag I am taking banging on my shoulder. We slowly pick up every family member for the reaping, which is mandatory even if your children are not eligible, and make our way to the justice building. In every house along our route I can see families getting ready. Children dressed in their best clothes. Parents holding back tears of fear. Most of them know that there will be a volunteer to step in the place of their child if the child is young enough. But there is still a slight chance that may not happen. 

I feel a weird fear creep over me when I get to the square. I am not at any risk despite being 17 but I will be responsible for the children that are. I will take these children to the capitol and maybe, if we are lucky, get one of them home. I stop in my tracks when that realisation hits me. Even if we do get a victor one of our tributes ends up dead. Just like Purse. 

I feel the slight touch of Gloss his hand in my lower back. He pushes me forward.

‘Get her out Cash. Show them who they want you to be. No time to be sentimental.’

I nod. Once my mentor, always my mentor. 

A quick round of hugs marks our goodbye to our family. This time they know we will both return. And all, but Rosie, think we are totally safe. When I hug Rosie I can feel the tension between us. 

‘Stay safe.’ She whispers in my ear.

‘I will.’ I respond. 

After that we hand our bags over to some train personnel and take our places on the stage. The kids are still pouring in from all over town and I try to look for faces I know. Faces I hope will not be going with me to the Capitol. After a while the mayor starts his speech and Melia comes out for the most official moment of her year. She calls a 17 year old girl named Tania and surprisingly no one volunteers. When I see her I understand why. She is absolutely enormous and must have a reputation to go with that body. The boy is a 14 year old named Hark but he doesn’t even start making his way to the podium when an 18 year old volunteers. His name turns out to be Crispin. He is broad shouldered and tall but still looks small compared to Tania. 

After they are let inside I wait for Gloss to move. 

‘So what do we do now?’ I ask him. 

‘We are supposed to wait in the entrance hall of the justice building. That way the parents can talk to us if they want to.’ He says. 

I suddenly get the feeling that he had a hard time in the entrance hall last year and that he is dreading going there again. 

‘You talked to mom and dad there last year, didn’t you?’

He looks at me. 

‘Yes. They were terrified to go through it all again. They told me to be a good big brother and to help you in every way I could. And I promised to do that. I have never seen mom so fragile. You were always special. I am sure mom loves all her children but she has four sons and only one daughter.’

After that he starts making his way into the justice building and I can only follow. I have no idea what I'm doing. The entrance hall is empty when we get in but soon fills up with people who want to say their last goodbyes. Gloss and I have a short conversation with Tania’s parents, Crispin turns out to be an orphan. After a while Melia appears in all her glory to take us to the train. She is talking like she hasn’t seen us in years. 

The train ride to the Capitol gives us just enough time to talk about strategy with our tributes. Tania has trained for this since she was 10 and knows a good deal about her strengths and weaknesses. She has a thing with knives she says, which makes me hopeful. Crispin is strong but he does not have the typical volunteer upbringing. He did not train in school and, according to his own words, has nothing to lose. 

Going through the motions of the games as a mentor is completely different than going through them as a tribute. As a tribute you go with the flow and let everything wash over you. You have no say in anything and as long as you show up on the appropriate time everything will be fine. You also know that your death is most likely imminent and that spending your last days crying and depressed has never made anyone better. 

But as a mentor you get a way better look at all that is going on behind the scenes. Gloss gets me up to speed pretty fast. I talk with the preps over Tania´s hair and I am able to speak with Caesar about what he will ask her. I watch her train with her beloved knives. She is the perfect career and she would have been one of the favorites in any other year. But this year all the attention is focused on the boy from 4. 

He is only fourteen years old but he is beautiful. People are charmed by his outgoing persona and the odds are in his favor from the beginning. Finnick Odair smiles, he waves, he blows kisses. He already has the Capitol wrapped around his finger and they are going to play all their cards to keep him safe. I don’t even think he realizes what kind of impact he has. 

I try to tell Tania not to let Finnick get to her head. He is just another tribute, he hasn’t won anything yet. She asks me if it would be smart to kill him fast instead of keeping him in the career pack but I tell her not to. Finnick has even stolen some of our regular sponsors so if we want to be able to do anything we need the alliance. Gloss tells Crispin the same making sure we have at least some funds to deal with. The morning the tributes start training the envelopes find their way back into our lives. 

Gloss introduces me to the other victors but makes sure that I know which ones I need to stay away from. Although Haymitch has helped him in the past he makes very sure I know never to go to a bar with him or Chaff from 11. The other victor from 11, Seeder, seems okay but she spends a lot of time with the two guys. The victors from 10 and 9 are mostly keeping to themselves and Gloss doesn’t really know what their deal is. Cecilia from 8 only talks about her new found love and Blight from 7 makes me feel very uncomfortable. District 6 is high on a serious amount of morphling, walking around like they see rainbows everywhere. District 5 and 3 are okay although they can be a bit weird. The victors from 2 and 4 are our allies most years so we get along decently. Mags feels like my grandmother, Enobaria and I know more about each other that we want to and Brutus’ demeanor scares me. All of them are victors though. All of them deal with their demons in their own way. All of them paid a price to be here. 

The viewing centre feels like a giant cage. The walls are lined with television screens and each of the districts has his own table with a sponsor telephone and two screens to be able to follow their tributes. On the far side of the room there is a door which leads to some private rooms to get rest. There are also some private rooms where you can call the families to confirm their child's death. I shiver when I think about making that kind of call and admitting that I could not help their child. Avoxes wait in every corner to provide food and drinks. 

It is hard for me to settle down once the games start. I feel every emotion I felt right before my own games just a year ago. The bloodbath is a mess and it is hard to follow what is happening. As soon as the chaos clears I start to notice the black screens around me. The screens that represented the now dead tributes. I see Haymitch and Chaff stand up and head for the bar. The District 5 table is already cleared out with both tributes gone. I see Mags come over to our side. The career pack is forming and District 4 has chosen to join our alliance. I feel her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it to comfort me. She has been through this so many times always coming back to hope for a miracle. I can hardly imagine that even she got here by killing children. 

It only takes a few days to find out who the audience favors. Finnick is receiving enough food to feed half the arena but he happily shares it with the rest of the pack. Exclaiming he does not need his sponsors. Mags keeps sending him gifts nonetheless. One night he decides he will be saver on his own and he takes off which is probably a good decision. Crispin and Tania get into a fight which ends in Tania slicing Crispin’s throat. When Finnick gets a trident from his sponsors a few days later and manages to make himself a net we all feel it. The sponsors have found their victor. None of the others stand a chance. Tania gets trapped into Finnick’s net and is impaled by the prongs of the giant fork only seconds later. She ends up in fourth place. 

When Finnick kills his last victim only hours later Enobaria, Gloss and I share a disgusting look. We are still in the viewing centre and we all realize the exact same thing. If the three of us are considered desirable enough than Finnick will for sure join our ranks. He will be the newest Capitol plaything and the only thing we can do is try to prepare him for it. I feel disgusted that I am thinking about this at all. He is fourteen. Gloss and I weren’t ready for this life at 16. Finnick will, for sure, be far from ready. 

‘His life will be a living hell.’ Gloss concludes. 

I watch the boy on television intently trying to look for the breaks in his facade. But he is keeping it up. He is smiling as the hovercraft scoops him up and I can see Mags getting her stuff to meet him. Mags throws us a knowing look. Of course she knows. She has been on this ride long enough to know the ins and outs. She probably knew beforehand what would be Finnicks faith if he won. But she also realised that she could not change his appearance enough to change that faith. He will never get away from the games, just like the rest of us, but at least this way he was able to survive.

I am still staring at the screen when an avox girl brings me an envelope. The smell of roses makes me sick but I accept it. It is not like I have a choice. Both Gloss and Enobaria look at the envelope with disgust in their eyes. They know what is inside just as well as I do. I sigh heavily as I stand up and make my way over to the elevator. It is like I am a child on the first day of the new school year. Afraid to go back to the place but still forced to go. 


	13. Chapter 13

Finnick is barely out of the arena when Gloss and I are called to Snow's mansion. I haven’t been there since the Victory Tour and I have no idea what to expect. Having a conversation with the President is never a pleasant experience and I have a feeling that this time will be no different. We are flanked by peacekeepers when we make our way into his house. I start to wonder if Snow ever thought about the fact that he has created an army of trained murderers who might as well stab him in the back if they could. We are put in a waiting area in front of his office and stare at each other without saying a word. 

A few minutes later Enobaria storms out of Snow’s office. She is clutching a shiny key card and looks ready to rip someone’s throat out. She sees us but she doesn’t even acknowledge our presence. Someone, most likely Snow, has pissed her off worse than I have ever seen. 

‘Miss Grimes, Mister Grimes. The President is ready for you.’ Says one of the peacekeepers stationed at the door. 

As I get up I make sure my dress is appropriate. I may not like the man but he is the one that could pull the trigger fixed on my family at any moment. Gloss is the first to enter the door, as always. He probably likes to be able to catch a bullet for me if he has to. The smell of roses waves towards me as soon as I step into the room and I have to do everything in my power not to gag. The President is sitting behind his desk and as I hear the door close I quickly glance around the room. There are peacekeepers in every corner in case we try to do anything. 

‘Please sit down.’ Snow tells us. 

I follow Gloss’s lead and settle myself in one of the chairs. Making sure I sit upright and ready to fight if necessary. 

‘That were quite the games, were they not? The rampage the boy went on when he got the trident. Remarkable.’

I did not enjoy a single minute of it but I guess that is not the appropriate answer. Gloss helps me out. 

‘They were sir, the capitol clearly loves the boy.’ he says. 

‘They do. Tiberius has been quite busy taking calls. I believe the boys waiting list is already a few years long.’ Snow says. 

My stomach turns once again. Finnick really has no idea what he got himself into. I also wonder if Tiberius has a waiting list for me. 

‘Unfortunately I am not completely above the law. Finnick will not be able to pay his debts until he turns 16. It’s a shame with all the demand for our newest victor going on right now.’

I don’t see where we fit into this story but I am sure we do. Snow is not the guy to invite us to a tea party. 

‘Finnick, however, has sparked the interest in spending a night with a victor. And I want nothing more to meet the demands of my loyal and noble citizens. So I have a gift for the both of you.’ 

I watch his every move as he places two key cards in front of us. They look exactly the same as the one Enobaria was clutching. Whatever they stand for I have a feeling we are not going to like it. Enobaria might be known as a vicious killer but she would not have the murderous look in her eyes if she didn’t have an extremely good reason. 

‘Key cards, to your new apartment on the city circle. I would have given you seperate apartments but Tiberius told me you practically share your houses at home as well.’ 

An apartment? Victors are supposed to stay with their tributes through the games. We don’t need an apartment. Gloss is thinking the same. 

‘I am sorry sir, but why do we need an apartment?’ Gloss asks.

‘Because I need to keep up with the demand of my people. Coming here to perform your duties once a year is not enough anymore. There simply isn’t enough time for you to go through your own waiting lists and slip in some of Finnick's till he can do it himself.’

I feel a stone drop in my stomach. I know having Helio in the district wasn’t going to last forever and I was sure I would be allowed to live my life just like Gloss did. Only having to go back to the Capitol for the games. I was sure I was allowed to live the rest of the year in relative peace, dealing with my nightmares and enjoying spending time with my family. 

‘Will we be forced to stay here all year?’ Gloss asks, a tremble in his voice.

He is thinking about it himself. Having to spend time here will mean we don’t get to see our family. 

‘No Mister Grimes, that would be an awful waste of property in Victor's Village. You will be in the Capitol for at least two weeks every two months to work your clients and make sure they keep wanting more. So when in 14 months, when Finnick will join you, the demand for him is still high and my people will be satisfied.’ A smile on his face makes me feel like he, above all else, enjoys the power he has over people. 

Both of us are stunned by this revelation. I get Enobaria’s anger and I feel a sudden need to attack the man in front of me. To get out my knives and to stab him in every possible way to make his death slow and agonizing. But I can’t. Not if I want to save Gloss and the rest of my family. I also don’t have my knives which makes attacking him quite pointless. 

‘Now I believe the both of you have work to do.’ Snow says. 

And with that our conversation is over. Two peacekeepers walk through the door to escort us out and I expect Gloss to get angry as soon as we step out of the door but he doesn’t. He is quite calm as we are escorted back to the car and the tribute centre. We find Enobaria in the bar huddled over a glass of whiskey. None of us says a word when we join her table. We stare at each other. Gloss is still holding the key card turning it over in his hands. 

‘I already feel sorry for the boy. Our two weeks every two months are not going to compare to the shitload he will have to go through.’ Enobaria says. 

In the short time I have known her I had always thought of her as a strong woman but now she was crumbling in front of my eyes. Her eyes are shallow and empty. Nothing like the vicious killer that won her games only three years ago. 

‘We should have known something was up. He was planning to extend our duties for a while. One of my dates mentioned it to me a few days ago. He said that he would love to have me around more. Having Finnick win was just the thing Snow needed to push through. Why else would he have sent Helio? He just wanted to make sure you could follow orders from your own home.’ Gloss says. 

Enobaria's eyes grow big. 

‘You have had one of the bastards at home?’ She asks. 

‘Yeah. A friend of Tiberius decided that his company needed some fixing and took me on as his personal sex slave in the process.’ I say. 

‘So much for enjoying the life of a victor.’ Enobaria shrugs. 

‘Yeah. It is not exactly what I imagined it to be.’ I answer. 

So much of this life was not what I expected. The freedom was less, the nightmares worse. 

‘What are we gonna do with Finnick? I took responsibility for Cash last year just like you did for me in my first year but he is as much our responsibility as the tributes are.’ Gloss says. 

‘We can’t tell him until Snow does. Let him enjoy his life a little while longer before it comes crashing down on his head.’ Enobaria answers. 

I agree with her that he has to try and live as long as the vultures are kept at bay. But we need to prepare him. I can’t look at him and not see what he will be in a few years. 

‘We need to find a way to prepare him though. He will likely mentor next year and I can’t look at him without imagining the sword above his head.’ Gloss answers. Apparently we feel exactly the same way. 

All of a sudden Mags name comes into my mind. Mags may not know everything but she sure knows there is something going on. The look in her eyes just after Finnick’s victory betrayed her. Maybe she can help us take care of him and help him warm up to the duties required of him. Maybe she can make the decision when to tell him and divert him to us if she needs to and he is ready. 

‘What about Mags?’ I ask. 

‘What about her?’ Enobaria answers, looking confused. 

‘Maybe she can help. She has been around long enough to keep a secret and I somehow have the feeling she already knows about Finnick’s future job. What if we ask her to keep an eye on him and to let us know if he needs someone to talk to?’ I say. 

Both Enobaria and Gloss stare at me. Telling someone outside of our little circle could be dangerous but Mags has been around long enough to know that. She will know the risks and she will keep our secrets. Above all she already has a connection with Finnick and probably wants to do everything in her power to keep him safe. 

‘Involving Mags is risky.’ Enobaria says. 

‘I know. But she will find out either way, Finnick will need his mentor just as much as I needed mine. It is not like the other victors don’t at least have an idea what is going on. Haymitch knew perfectly well to contact you when Gloss needed help.’

I see them both thinking about the proposal. Gloss is still playing with the key card. His mind somewhere else. I look at the whiskey in front of Enobaria and have a sudden urge to drink it all and feel nothing. To forget about this life and dream of better days. 

‘I guess it is the best option we have.’ Gloss finally answers. ‘Who will have the honor to tell our lovely grandmother?’

‘I will’ I say. “I will not let you to take the risks of my plan.’

I grab the whiskey, take a big gulp and walk towards the door. Better to get this over with. 

* * *

I don’t exactly have a plan. I don’t even know where to find her with Finnick still in recovery but I decide to start in the tribute centre. With a bit of luck she will be at the fourth floor. As I push the button I feel the tension rise with the elevator. Gloss told most of the story when we were forced to open up to Rosie but this time I have to do it myself. As the elevator doors open I see a very familiar apartment. The only difference, the color scheme. The walls are lined with greenish and blueish colors and the decoration is completely focused on the fishing district. The district Four escort looks at me like he has seen a ghost. I guess inter district meet ups in the private apartments don’t happen that often. 

I instantly see my target sitting on the couch. A pair of knitting needles in her hands. 

‘Mags, can I talk to you in private?’ I begin, sounding braver than I feel. 

The woman looks up, surprised to see me. A big smile appears on her face.

‘Cashmere, what a surprise! Of course you can. Do you want to go for a walk?’ She asks. 

Before I can answer she is walking over to me and making her way to the elevator. Once we are inside Mags opens the conversation.

‘So, are you enjoying your first year as a victor? I can imagine it is all a bit overwhelming but it will get better, trust me.’ 

Small talk. Buggs. I hadn’t even thought about the whole place being bugged but I am glad that Mags did. 

‘Overwhelming is an understatement.’ I answer. 

Mags laughs at me. She really does feel like my grandmother. A warm feeling radiates from her body and I instantly feel safe. She will keep my secrets, no doubt about it. 

Once we are out of the building I follow Mags into a park. 

‘So what is it you want to tell me.’ Mags asks. 

‘I, I mean we, wanted to warn you.’

‘Warn me about what?’

I stumble over my words and only manage to say one of them. 

‘Finnick.’

Mags laughs. 

‘Finnick is perfectly fine. He is recovering and will be up and running in a week.’

‘He is fine now. But he will not be forever.’

Mags stays silent for a while. 

‘I know, and I am sorry.’ She answers. 

‘How do you know?’ I ask.

‘Cashmere, we victors talk. I had my suspicions as soon as Enobaria was crowned. All the partying, all the dating. Brutus actually came to me saying he was worried. And you may not know him as well as I do but he is usually colder than a block of ice. Then the same pattern happened with your brother and a year later with you. Haymitch came to me with concerns. I think they all see me as either their mother or their grandmother. They always come to me when they don’t know what to do.’ Mags explains. 

‘Snow called the three of us in today. Letting us know we would be expected to spend two weeks every two months in the Capitol to keep up with the demand Finnick created.’

‘I was afraid he would do something like this. Has he said anything about when he expects Finnick to join you?’ She asks. 

‘Not until he turns 16. He said he would not be able to force him before that without breaking the law. But when he does join us he will get it the worst. Snow says his waiting list already spans years.’

‘Thank you for telling me.’ Mags says as I see her shudder.

As we walk along the trees I think about the boy who already had to put up with a lot more than a normal 14 year old has to. He killed seven tributes in his rampage. He has to deal with that guild sooner or later. 

‘We want to help him. I don’t want to be the one to tell him what will be expected of him but we still want to make sure he knows we are there if he needs us. I don’t know if I would have made it through the last year without my brother's help. If he needs the support we will give it to him.’ I say. 

‘Thank you Cashmere, I will make sure he knows that. He will need all the support he can get.’

As she takes my hand into her own I can feel her reassuring squeeze. I get why all the victors flock to her with their problems. She may not have an answer to all our problems but talking to her for sure helps. As she holds my hand I look around. A large building has appeared on the horizon and we are heading that way. 

‘Where are we going?’ I ask her. 

‘We are going to see Finnick. I would like you to meet him.’ 


	14. Chapter 14

The boy I see in the bed is nothing like the boy I saw in the arena. His skin is pale and his eyes have lost their sparkle. Pressed in the white sheets of the bed he looks like a frightened boy so much younger than his fourteen years. I imagine Gloss looking at me last year. Seeing the change in the girl he knew and loved must have hurt like hell. A sense of sadness comes over me. He has already lost his innocence and he will never be able to get it back. 

I want to turn around and run out of the room. Seeing him makes it all too real. Too painful. But Mags will not let me. I look into her eyes searching for help but she just smiles at me. Finnick follows my every move, his arena senses still on alert. 

‘Hi.’ I manage. Placing myself on the chair beside his bed. 

‘Hi.’ He says back. 

‘How are you feeling?’

He thinks about it for a while before he answers.

‘Weird.’ 

I feel a small smile appear on my face. 

‘Yeah. I can imagine that.’ 

A sudden recognition shines in his eyes. Like he just realised who he is talking to. 

‘You are one of the victors. Cashmere right?’

I nod at him. 

‘Yeah. I was the one in this bed only a year ago.’ I pause for a moment. ‘Do you want to talk about it, about anything really?’ 

His hands are twitching as he looks to the ground. All of a sudden he is searching for something. He trashes through his blankets. Frantically searching. Mags is standing in the corner. 

‘It is on the table, Finn.’ Mags says. 

I see the piece of string on the table as Finnick reaches for it. He immediately calms down when the string is in his hands. He starts making small knots. Very difficult small knots because I can’t follow along. And I try. 

‘Will the weirdness go away? I just feel so weird. Like I went to sleep the night before the games and I woke up in a world that is turned upside down. I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. My hands just feel so dirty.’ He looks at me, hope in his eyes. 

A shiver runs down my spine. I haven’t felt normal in a year. Some days I come close but most of them are a weird mix of feelings that do not make sense at all. I feel anger and frustration. But mostly I feel a lot of sadness. After a few weeks I started to realise what I had lost. My hands would never get clean again. I would never be able to look at a knife and not see all the possible places I could put it to kill someone. Cashmere the Victor will never leave my body. She will always stay, helping me through tough times but nibbling at my soul. Eating away until there is nothing left. 

‘The weirdness may go away. I don’t feel as weird as I used to but I don’t feel exactly normal either. But I have only been a victor for a year. Maybe Mags can tell if it will ever fade.’ I say. 

We both look over at her searching for an answer. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. Even 54 years after her own games she still carries her demons. 

‘And the dirty feeling?’ Finnick asks. 

‘You tell me.’ 

I see his eyes grow big as he looks at my outstretched hands. They are dry and red from the many times I have washed them in the last year. I don’t tell him that the washing increased after my agreement with Snow started, he will find that out soon enough. I realise I am not doing anything to help his mood but at least I am not lying to him. Knowing the truth might help him later on. I see his hands turn back to knotting. 

‘But there is one upside to winning this thing.’ I try to cheer him up. 

‘There is?’ 

‘Yeah. You get to have a pretty amazing family of victors. They are a bit weird, if you ask me, but in the end they will help you through the shit of the day. Or did you think that you could claim Mags as your own?’

I see a tiny smile on his face. A slight twinkle in his eyes. 

‘Mags is awesome.’ He grins.

I can’t help but laugh at this. The childish tone he uses reminds me of the fact that he is still a child. Not at all ready to comprehend what he has done to enter this crazy world. As Mags starts laughing Finnick can not help it. The broad smile changes his face completely. I suddenly see the smile that everyone loves. His capitol persona is probably just an exaggeration of the real Finnick, because his smile is definitely real. His whole face lights up as he laughs. I can’t help but notice the tears in Mags eyes. Maybe we have touched her soft side or maybe she is just happy Finnick is smiling again. 

After that we just talk. He tells me about District 4. About the sea, the boats and his parents. He is an only child and for a moment I am happy about that. The smaller the family the less possible targets for manipulation. He tells me that his dad taught him how to work the trident. His eyes glimmer when he thinks about the first time he was allowed to hold his father's trident. The family heirloom was passed down father to son. He will get it when he is 18 and though he can buy every trident he likes he still thinks he will prefer his father’s. I tell him about my big family, our lives in one and about Gloss. I tell him that Gloss and I share something more than blood. We understand each other without words and we can talk about everything on our minds. He asks me if I am mad at him for killing my tribute and I tell him not to worry about it. Twenty-three of the tributes are death because of the games, it is just the way it is. 

I spend nearly two hours at his bedside almost forgetting why I came to talk to Mags in the first place. Finnick is a nice boy and once he warms up to the life of a victor he will be okay. I try not to think about the moment when it will come crashing down again and he has to start working. If Snow kills that perfect smile I will kill him personally. Although I also want to kill him for hurting Gloss and ruining my life. I realise I just want him dead, period. 

A soft knock on the glass door to the room gets my attention. In front of the door stands an avox boy with a red envelope in his hands. The envelope can only be for me. Mags looks confused but as soon as our eyes meet and she realizes what that envelope means I see the disgust in her eyes. 

‘Finnick, I am sorry but I have to go. Someone is waiting for me.’ 

I see a sad look in his eyes as I stand up. 

‘Will you come to see me again? I think the talking really helped.’ He asks. 

I smile. 

‘Well, I think you will be pretty busy till the end of the games. But maybe you can call me when you get back home?’ 

I quickly scribble my number on a piece of paper on his bedside table. 

‘Call me when you need someone to talk to who doesn’t look like your grandmother.’ He grins at me as I wink at Mags over my shoulder. Her very wide smile tells me she doesn’t mind. 

‘I will. Thanks Cashmere.’ 

‘No problem, Finnick.’

As I turn around I feel Mags squeeze my shoulder to reassure me. 

‘Finn.’ He says. 

‘What?’ I say, as I turn around. 

‘My friends call me Finn.’

“You consider us friends already?’ 

‘I can recall you called us family only an hour ago. Seems a whole lot closer than friends.’

His very broad smile warms me and I decide I will do everything I can to protect that smile. 

* * *

A week later, just like Mags predicted, Finnick is up and running and we are all about to go home. Gloss, like clockwork, finds Tiberius’s name on his card the morning we leave but this time he is not on mine. No double dates this time around but having to go to the capitol more often makes this time probably just based on luck. My last date is nothing special. Just a regular date who wants to squeeze my breasts, kiss my neck and ‘make love to me’ till the end of days. 

When I get to our train I wait for Gloss in his compartment making sure I can be there for him this time. As he walks in I recognize the devastated look in his eyes he always has after a date with Tiberius and I let him lean on me. I carefully place my hands on his hips to not hurt him, his arms lean on my upper arms and his head is nestled in my neck. Once again we talk without words. We just hold each other. 

‘You will be fine.’ I tell him. 

‘I know.’ He tells me. 

As I want to let go I feel his grip tighten. 

‘Just a little bit longer, please.’ He whispers.

I tighten my own grip and lose myself even more in the embrace. I wouldn’t even mind if we stood like this for years. 

As we pull into the district one train station I start to feel the dread of bringing Tania and Crispin back to their loved ones. I know there coffins are in a cooling car at the back of the train but I could not make myself go there. What will I tell them? Will they hate me for bringing them back dead or will they understand that there is only so much I can do? I am just another pawn in Snows games, only doing his bidding and hoping that a miracle will happen. 

We meet Tania’s parents in the justice building. They are overcome with grief but seem to understand that I couldn’t have done anything to save her. Crispin's body is claimed by the housemother of the community home. He doesn’t have anyone else and the housemother assures us she will make sure he gets a proper burial. I get the feeling she has done this before and I silently wonder how many of our tributes went in because they thought they had nothing to lose. 

As our duties are done we start our way home. Only to be greeted by Fibre and Rosie smiling broadly in the squire. Rosie looks relieved to see us return in one piece and shares a long hug with the both of us. As she pulls back I notice she is cradling her belly with her hand and I have a feeling our family will start growing soon. As we walk back to victor’s village Fibre informs us of everything we missed when we were in the capitol and I feel a little sting in my heart knowing that we will miss even more from now on. Lux and his girlfriend Mia have finally decided to tie the knot and, as I suspected, Fibre and Rosie are expecting a baby. They are beyond excited and I can’t help to be extremely happy for them. Being our niece or nephew will endanger the child greatly from the moment it is born. But they don’t need to know that.

As we walk into Victor’s village I feel like I am home. My house may remind me of the capitol every day but at least it feels like home. For a moment I imagine what Finnick is feeling right now. Being introduced to his new house and being reunited with his parents. He must be happy. Snow had already ruined that for me. At least Finnick gets a chance to enjoy the perks of being a victor. 

I get my answer only a few days later when my phone starts ringing. Expecting it to be either Gloss or Melia I answer in my Capitol fashion. 

‘Speaking to the house of the wonderful, lovely and also very beautiful Cashmere Grimes, how can I help you?’ I say.

As soon as I hear the snickering at the other end of the line I realise that it’s not Gloss nor Melia. 

‘Do you always answer the phone like that or did you think I was someone else?’ 

‘Finn!’ I exclaim. 

‘The one and only.’ 

He is able to joke which makes me feel he is doing just fine. It is a good thing he has Mags around, she really is awesome. 

‘So you found the phone in your house. Do you like it?’

‘Well it is pretty big. I have got a spare room bigger than the living room in my old house for all my clothes. I think I even have a room for my trident to sleep in.’ he says. 

I can’t help but smile. He tries his best to think of all this in a positive way. Probably best if I remember the chaos in my own head last year. 

‘Yeah. The houses are quite spacious. I think I effectively use 4 out of the 10 or so rooms. Still haven’t found any use for the rest of them.’

He tells me about the reunion with his parents. He had been afraid they would hate him for what he had done. I told him they would only be very happy to see him again and that they would know he only did what was necessary but I could not change his mind. Turns out they hugged and did not let go for a full 10 minutes. No word was spoken about the arena yet but I assure him they will come to that point eventually. 

‘How are you holding up Finn? Freaked out by the nightmares yet?’ I ask. 

I hear him sigh. 

‘Is it normal to return to the arena every night? I swear the tributes talk to me.’ he says. 

‘Well, I don’t know if it qualifies as normal but there hasn’t been a night I have not visited my own arena. Gloss wakes up screaming most of the nights too. So maybe it does qualify as normal for anyone who has seen the inside of an arena.’ 

He stays silent for a while after that. 

‘Cashmere?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Can I call you more often?’

‘Yeah sure, whenever you feel like. It is not like I have work to do or anything. I will just wait here for something exciting to happen.’ 

‘Awesome.’ 

I laugh again. As long as he calls every single aspect of his life awesome, he will be fine. 

We talk a lot in the weeks that follow. He calls me almost every other day. Most of the time he just talks about his life. About how he takes long walks along the beach watching for the fishing boats to pull back to shore. The sea calms him and gives him room to breath. He has a theory about how the salt in the sea breeze will free his mind from all the guilt he feels so he tries to spend as much time there as he can. I tell him to bring some of that breeze to the capitol if it really works because I would like to get rid of my own guild. Somehow my guilt surprises him. 

Rosie’s belly starts growing and I go over to her place a lot because I want to soak up every part of her pregnancy. I imagine Snow will not let me have a family until I am no longer viable which could take the better part of ten years. I really want to talk to her about having to return to the capitol every two months but every time I get a chance I back out again. When she starts talking about wanting me by her side when she gives birth I can no longer keep it a secret. 

‘Rosie, I might not be able to be there.’ I say. 

‘Why not? The baby will be here before the games.’

‘I know. But…’

Rosie, who is making dinner, stops in her tracks and stares at me. I can clearly see the tired look in her eyes from working in the factory all day. Fibre is still finishing up his shift and could be home any minute. 

‘But, what?’

I take a deep breath.

‘Our newest victor, Finnick, has raised the demand for our services. And since he is too young to fill the demand, we have to spend at least two weeks in the capitol every two months on top of the games.’ 

As she goes back to preparing dinner I can see her cradling her growing belly. 

‘So he does have a heart in that ice cold chest somewhere to even consider that the boy is too young.’

“I would not call it a heart. He only does it because even Snow is not above the law. I am pretty sure he will start working on his 16th birthday.’ 

‘Is that why the two of you are talking on the phone?’ Rosie asks.

‘No, he doesn’t know yet. It is actually really nice to talk to him every once in a while. I want to make sure he knows he can trust me once he finds out. Gloss helped me through it and I want to do that for him.’

Rosie looks at me for a long time. She looks really happy. I wish I could be that happy. After a while the staring makes me uncomfortable. 

‘What?’ I ask frustrated. 

‘Nothing. I am just so happy for my little one to have such an amazing aunt like you.’

I almost laugh at her answer but she is dead serious. 

‘Sure. I am the perfect aunt. The aunt who killed children and whores herself out for the glory of the capitol. How can I forget I am such an amazing role model.’

‘The only thing I see is a wonderful girl who made one bad decision but tries to deal with the consequences. A girl who tries to help a boy who she knows will have a terrible future. A girl who tries to keep her brother from hurting himself while she herself is hurting a lot. That girl will be the perfect aunt for this little miracle.’ 

I feel the tears well up in my eyes. Rosie always has a way with words but I truly believe she means every single one of them. I will never be able to see myself that way. I will always see the killer, the monster that killed for sport. I will always see the whore. But she is right, the baby in her belly does not need to see that Cashmere.


	15. Chapter 15

As our first mandatory trip to the capitol approaches Gloss gets more silent. We still talk and spend time together but I notice the change in his behaviour. I am dreading it too. There will be no games to hold back the clients. They will be all over us, and if we have to believe Snow there will be a lot of them. My nightmares about Tiberius return and I am starting to fear the envelopes even more. Tiberius sends word that we need to have a bag ready at all times, always ready to go to the capitol. He doesn’t tell us anything about when but I get the feeling that he will decide last minute so we are not able to prepare ourselves. 

Rosie’s belly is growing steady, she is almost 6 months pregnant now, and Mia is asking me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding. I agree with a knot in my stomach. If Tiberius finds out, which he probably will, he will make sure we are not able to attend either the wedding or the birth. He knows how much it will hurt not to be able to get those moments with our family and he will probably just enjoy our pain. I try to make sure we don’t talk about the date of the wedding or the due date of the baby in my house but I can’t help any information that slips anyway. 

I try to tell Finnick that there will be weeks we will not be able to talk. Weeks in which he will call my house but no one will answer the phone. He asks me why and I say I can’t explain. Maybe I will in the future, but not now. He asks me if I will be safe and I tell him not to worry. I will not be fighting in an arena and the capitol is actually in some way very eager to keep me safe. The definition the capitol has for safety is slightly different then my own but I don’t say that to Finnick. He asks me what he has to do if he wants to talk to someone other than Mags and he can’t reach me and we agree he will write it down and I will call him as soon as I can. 

I am just finishing up a call with Finnick when I hear a stiff knock on the door. 

‘Finn, I have to go. I will call you tomorrow, okay?’ I say

He tells me to say hi to Gloss and then hangs up. 

I hear another stiff knock on the door when I am walking towards it. Hearing it a second time makes me pretty sure it is not my family who is waiting for me. As I open the door a peacekeeper smiles at me. I recognize him as Head Peacekeeper Jones who picked me up a few times for Helio and I suddenly know what he wants. 

‘Miss Grimes, your train is waiting.’ 

The wind brushes through my hair as I process this information. Tiberius had warned us it could be any moment and this was it. 

‘I… Can I close up my home and get my stuff?’ I ask the man. 

‘You have 5 minutes before we drag you out with force so I suggest you use those.’ He answers. 

A chaos in my head ensues. I run through my house like a maniac, closing windows and writing a cryptic note to whomever walks in their first. Which I sincerely hope is Rosie because she will at least be able to make sense of the fact that Gloss and I are missing. She will understand and tell the others not to worry. I grab my bag from my bedroom and head for the door. The peacekeeper is making a show of looking at his watch and I can see smiles on the faces of the men around him. He almost looks disappointed when I turn up in time. He grabs my wrist as I try to pass him and moves his head towards mine. 

‘Can’t you wait a little longer? I would have loved to drag you out screaming.’ He says, with a broad grin on his face. 

‘Maybe you should remember who you are talking to and how I got this house.’ I tell him. 

‘Oh I do. And you are just a filthy whore to me.’ 

‘Well at least I am something you and your tiny dick will never be able to afford.’

The peacekeeper stares at me, holding my wrist, for a long time until Gloss interrupts him. He is flanked by his own set of peacekeepers. 

‘Is there a problem gentleman?’ He asks. 

The peacekeeper looks at me but eventually let’s go of my wrist. He doesn’t answer the question. When I am free to go I ignore the questions in Gloss' eyes and walk silently beside him. I am not going to explain it with all the peacekeepers around. 

We silently get into the car that is posted outside the gate to Victors Village. I guess walking through town flanked by peacekeepers would startle the press too much. I stare out the window as I see the sunny day go by. I see people smiling, happy at the sun being out, and I once again feel like my life has stopped in its tracks. Being dragged back to the Capitol as soon as I started breathing again. Going to the Capitol with no reason other than clients is terrifying in his own rights. I start to wonder if Enobaria will be there at the same time as us so we at least have someone to spend the off hours with. I don’t know if Melia will be available or if she will understand why we are there in the first place. 

It turns out that Enobaria is there. Her apartment is next to ours which we find out almost immediately. Our escort from the train station smiles as she says that this floor is the victor’s floor. All of the victors who need an apartment will get one here so we at least have some people we know around. I can see Enobaria’s name on the name tag beside the door and feel a lump in my throat as I look at the doors without a name tag. One of them will be Finnick’s in a few years and there is plenty of room for other ‘desirable’ victors in the coming years. 

The escort gives us a tour of the apartment. The big living room has ceiling to floor windows on each side and the color scheme reminds me of our apartment in the Tribute Centre. The view is spectacular. We both have a big private room with a closet full of clothes our stylist thinks we need. When I take a quick glance I can see that almost all of them are extremely skimpy and sheer and I am happy I brought some comfortable clothes with me from home. The escort shows us the kitchen which we both know will most likely not be used at all. Dinner dates are the favorite foreplay for most of the capitol. 

As soon as the escort leaves us Enobaria just bursts through the door eager to have someone to talk to. She crashes on the couch and throws her feet on the table. 

‘About time you got here. This victor’s floor is pretty lame when you are the only one around.’ She says. 

‘How long have you been here?’ Gloss asks.

‘Two and a half days.’ 

So our visits were mostly at the same time but not completely. At least Gloss and I would go together. Having the train make the journey twice wouldn't be efficient. 

‘Did it go up like Snow said?’ Gloss asks.

‘What did?”

‘The number of dates. How many clients have you seen?’ 

Enobaria lets out a sigh. 

‘Yeah. They did. I have seen three already and I have to leave for the next in an hour. Lots of new ones too. Looks like that little bastard really sparked a new trend.’

As Gloss walks towards the window I can see his muscles tense. 

‘I am sorry to say it but, Gloss, you are the only male in this house. Yours will go up even more than mine did. I guess you will get the clients that can’t get to Finnick just yet.’ Enobaria says. 

‘Yeah. I figured as much. Not really looking forward to it though.’ 

Both of them remain silent for a while. I can feel the tension in the air. Enobaria and Gloss may not always like each other but they were the only one they could turn to before I came along. Enobaria had to figure this whole thing out on her own, which I still don’t know how she did, and Gloss turned to her for help. They have a sort of strange bond that I don’t understand. Maybe it is like the family Gloss described. They may not be friends but they do need each other. 

‘So have you talked to the boy?’ Enobaria asks me.

‘Yeah I have. He is fine for now. Spooked by the nightmares but not at all aware of the real consequences of being a victor. He calls me a lot and then we just talk. He believes the sea breeze may wipe away his guilt.’ 

I see a smile appear on Enobaria’s face.

‘And don’t ask. I already asked for my share and he is not bringing any on his victory tour.’ 

‘I wasn’t going to ask for it. I just like the way he tries to make all of this into something positive.’ She says.

‘Yeah. He is quite awesome to talk to. If Snow kills his smile, though, I will add that to my list of reasons to end the bastard.’

We continue talking for a while and eventually Gloss pries himself away from the window and joins us. We talk about anything and nothing. Enobaria has started teaching at the local school. She can’t officially work there but she is assisting in training the future tributes of District Two. I guess her anger has to go somewhere. After a while an avox girl walks in with two red envelopes. She also tries to gesture something to make sure Enobaria knows she has to leave. Her date is waiting. With a heavy sigh she gets up and heads for the door. She doesn’t look back. 

The avox is still standing there with the envelopes clutched in her hands not sure what to do with them. 

‘Give them to me.’ Gloss says. ‘But get that sorry look off your face. I don’t want your job anymore than you want mine.’ 

The avox smiles faintly then turns around and walks out. Probably glad to get the job done. Gloss throws my envelope on the couch near me and I grab it immediately. Better to get it over with. 

The name on the card is not familiar. Which means I have no way of knowing how bad it will get. Some of them just want sex but others can have strange fetishes and wishes. There is no message to go with it so I just have to wait to find out. I also have two more hours to spare before I start working again. 

Gloss looks disgusted as he reads his own card. 

‘Well, I guess Ena was right. I will get busy.’ 

He throws the card in my lap and storms off to his room. When I look at his card I see that he has two dates this afternoon with barely any time in between. The first date is a regular which he has told me about. A normal date who is, above all, very lonely after her husband died. The other date contains two names. As far as I can tell a man and a woman, but with Capital names you never know for sure. My mind flies back to our date with Tiberius and I get Gloss' frustration. Wedged between two paying customers he will have no control at all. 

* * *

Our two weeks in the Capitol are, as expected, filled with dates. We hardly have time to spend at our apartment and I hardly slept in my new bed at all. Enobaria comes over to eat with us whenever two of us are free but talking about the dates never happens. Gloss is extremely busy, having 2 or 3 dates a day to keep up with the demand for a male victor. 

This time we are not as lucky on the double dates. Gloss and I have a silent agreement to read each other's cards so we know what to expect when the other gets back. Gloss tends to be more agitated and affected when he has dates with men and mostly needs a female hug after. But when it is a woman I better not touch him when he comes back. On the fourth day we find the same name on our cards and prepare ourselves for what is to come. The name sounds familiar and I have a feeling I have visited him before. 

When we step out of the car Gloss grabs my hand just like the last time. I can see the pained expression in his eyes.

‘Gloss, remember I will not blame you for any of this.’

‘I know.’ 

‘Than stop blaming yourself!’ 

‘I -’ He stumbles.

‘No, just don’t do it. No excuses. Just don’t’

Eventually he nods. As we make our way to the elevator and the floor we are supposed to be at I start to remember things. I have been here before and I try to remember anything about the man we are meeting. Caius isn’t violent or extremely demanding and it is hard for me to understand why he has ordered the both of us. Apparently his desires go much further than just one victor. 

Caius opens the door for us with a broad smile on his face. He is extremely rich and I doubt that the price he pays for us is really a burden on his finances. 

‘Cashmere, I have missed you.’ He says. 

He takes my free hand, which makes me lose my grip on Gloss’, pulls me towards him and kisses me. I force a smile when he pulls back. Cashmere the Victor takes over immediately. 

‘Hi Caius. Can I say that I was quite surprised to learn of your desire for my brother. You never even talked about it.’ I flirtatiously say. 

‘Oh darling. This is only about my desire to pleasure you. I heard you were quite adventurous and I just wanted to aid you in this particular one that has, I must admit, danced around in my dreams.’ He answers. 

I glance over my shoulder but I only see Gloss smiling his Capitol smile. He has heard what Caius said but he doesn’t show any reaction or emotion. This time it is not about him but about me. 

‘Caius.’ I say, teasing him a bit. ‘Since when are you so adventurous? I didn’t know you cared so much for me.’

As he starts kissing me I feel his hands all over my body. He tears away the blouse I am wearing, throws it to the ground and finds his way to my bra without hesitation. Once he has access I feel his hands grope my breasts. Gloss has closed the door and I see him walk into my vision without a shirt on. He has clearly understood what is expected of him and does not want to make the man angry by taking too long. As Caius starts kissing my neck I lock eyes with Gloss. I give him a reassuring nod that everything he does will be fine and only seconds later I feel his body pressed against my back and his hands around my waist. He fondles with the button of my jeans and I feel him shudder a little as he pulls them off my hips down to the ground. 

‘Carry her to my bedroom.’ Caius orders as soon as he lets go. Gloss scoops me up and carries me like we are newly weds on our honeymoon. I feel the warmth of his bare chest as I snuggle against it. He is my rock, as always, no matter what happens. He lets me down slowly when we reach the bed. As he puts me down he kisses me. This time I feel  _ his _ love. I feel him letting me know it is going to be fine. 

Caius walks past us and sits down on the bed. He has lost his clothes on the way and looks at me with a mix of passion and desire in his eyes. He waves me over and as I crawl over to him in a seductive way I am very aware that this will be something Gloss has never seen me do. It makes me feel kind of embarrassed to have him looking at me but I don’t allow myself to think about that. I kiss my way down to his crotch and he starts to moan as I start working on my target. I feel Caius his hands entangled in my hair. His slight pull makes me feel like he enjoys it. 

‘Gloss.’ Caius is panting heavily. ‘Make your sister and me happy. She deserves some pleasure.’ 

If I had the option I would protest. Having sex with Gloss is not exactly pleasure for me but before I can even think about it I feel Gloss’s weight on the bed. I feel him gently rub my back to make me comfortable but once again I can’t help but moan as he engages. It is different then most times. Most of the men are rough and think that the only way to show passion is by brute force. Gloss is different. I am sure he is able to and has to when he goes on his dates but with me he is once again gentle. He acts out of love, not the right kind of love to do this particular thing, but love nonetheless. 

When Caius finishes he watches us for a while. On his order we have switched positions and I am now on top. Looking Gloss in the eye without seeing the pain that was there the last time is some sort of a relief. He holds me steady as we move slowly and I can see puddles of sweat form on Gloss’s chest. 

When I feel a cold hand against my back I realise Caius is near me again. He pushes me forward and I half collapse on Gloss. I feel Gloss's arms around me immediately like a shield. Bracing me for whatever Caius thinks he is doing. I can feel his hands find their way to my backside as I shut my eyes. Bracing myself for the pain I have felt once before. Caius’ probing fingers try to prepare my ass for his cock but I don’t think I will ever be ready for this.

Gloss is steady as a rock. Still going through the motions to keep up our performance but at the same time shielding me from as much harm as he can manage. Once I feel his thick member enter I cry out in pain, the rocking motion gets rougher as Caius sets the pace and I feel like my insides are ripped apart. Gloss is stroking my back while he places soft kisses in my neck trying very hard to help me with his limited means. 

‘Breathe’ He whispers in my ear so softly I will be the only one to hear it. 

Breathe. The same thing he said to me when Helio tried this for the first time.  _ Breathe through the pain, trust me, it helps.  _ The words appear like a mantra in my head. I have to keep breathing. 

Caius is moaning loudly. It takes him a little bit longer than Helio but he is still done quite quickly. Gloss immediately stops moving as Caius pulls out. He takes my head in his hands and forces me to look at him. He sees the tears in my eyes. 

‘Cash, you will be fine. Remember what I told you before?’

‘Keep breathing.’ I manage. 

Gloss smiles at me. It is a faint and sad smile but it is not a smile filled with guilt. He knows he does not have to blame himself. 

‘Exactly.’ He says as he kisses my forehead as always. 

* * *

When I get to our apartment I take a long shower like I always do. The pain is still there but it is less painful than the first time. The warmth of the shower comforts me and as soon as I step out of it I feel exposed. I bury myself in the most comfortable clothes I can find and set out to find Gloss. Despite what happened I really need him to comfort me. 

A faint sound of the television comes from the living room and I find Gloss, shirtless and in sweatpants, on the couch. His feet are on the table and he is playing with the key card to our apartment. His eyes stare at the screen but do not seem to really register what is on it. He doesn’t look surprised when I settle myself beside him and lean into his body. He just accepts it and folds his arm protectively around my shoulder. 

And we just sit like this. We doń’t talk. We don’t move. We just sit. 

I doze off a bit but I jolt wide awake when I see a familiar face on the television. Finnick is shown on the beach in Four with Mags by his side. He smiles and waves at the camera but does not say anything. The news reporter exclaims that it is our newest victor's birthday. He turned fifteen and celebrated this joyeus event with his family and mentor. 

I feel a tiny pinch in my stomach. I did not realise it was his birthday today and I haven’t spoken to him in days. I don’t even get a chance to congratulate him. At the same time I feel sad about what will happen on this day a year from now. He will be here with us. Working his ass off and pretending he is enjoying every single bit of it. He will be in the apartment next door acting like he is living the perfect life of a victor. I doubt his birthday will involve Mags or his parents for the years to come. And I am sort of glad he gets the chance to celebrate it normally one last time. 

´Only a year to go before he joins us in this hell hole.’ Gloss says, mirroring my own thoughts. 

As a celebration of Finnick they are airing the recap of his games again tonight and I can only think that Snow and Tiberius are doing everything in their power to keep the interest in Finnick very high. Gloss switches off the tv as soon as the games logo appears. Watching it one time is more than enough. 

I feel a sudden urge to call Finnick. To tell him happy birthday and to just hear him laughing. I need his ridiculously positive outlook on this life. But most of all I want to hear stories about a life outside of the one I am living. A life without dates, yet, and all this Capitol bullshit. The apartment does have a phone and I start to think about trying to call him from here. 

‘You think I can call him from here?’ I ask Gloss. 

He looks at me slightly confused before he starts thinking about it. 

‘I guess you could if you remember the number.’

‘I have called him enough times to remember, brother.’ I say half laughing. 

As I walk towards the phone I feel a slight jitter in my stomach. I really want to talk to him. 

‘Cash!’ Gloss says. And when I look at him he puts his finger to his mouth and mimics that he has wings. I nod at him. The phone is probably bugged so I have to watch what I am saying. 

The phone gets picked up almost immediately and I expect Finnicks voice on the other side. I want to start singing when I hear a dark deep voice which I assume must be his father's. 

‘Odair residence.’ 

‘Hi, Mister Odair. Is Finnick around to talk?’ I say. 

‘He might be. Who am I talking to?’

Mister Odair is slightly uncomfortable which I can understand pretty well. I wouldn’t be comfortable as well if my freshly crowned 15 year old son would be called by a Capitol landline. 

‘It is Cashmere, from district One, sir. We have talked before.’

He seems to recognize the name and I hear him screaming Finnicks name in the background. It takes a minute before I hear him hand over the phone to his son but when he does I am relieved to hear Finnicks voice. 

‘Finnick Odair.’ He says and I feel my heart warm a little. I missed him. 

‘Awesome birthday, handsome.’ 

It takes a few seconds before he realizes who he is talking to and when he does I can almost see him jumping up and down in his house. 

‘Cashmere! You weren’t picking up your phone, I thought I would have to wait weeks before I could talk to you again.’

‘Well, that was the original plan. But then I saw a feature on your birthday on the television and I decided I really wanted to talk to you. So I went searching for a phone and tried if I could reach you’

‘So you are not at home, are you?’ I hear a worry in his voice. I assured him I was safe but he apparently still doubts that. 

“No, I am not.’

‘So, where are you?’

I have to tell him where I am. I don’t have to give a reason but I can not lie to him. 

‘The Capitol.’ I say. 

It takes a while for him to process this information. 

‘Why?’ 

‘Games business.’ The word in itself can include a lot of duties and tasks. It could be sponsor meetings, talking about next years games, doing photoshoots and commercials. I don’t even have to go into detail. 

‘Want to talk about it?’

I sigh.

“I want to, but I can’t right now. Maybe you can tell me what you have been up to and if the sea breeze is helping with the guilt.’

I hear him snickering on the other side.

‘Well, the experiment is still ongoing and I don’t exactly have something to compare it to. But I will keep trying.’ 

I lose myself in our conversation. He tells me about his birthday, about not wanting any presents because he has enough money to buy everything he wants. He tells me that he has talked to his mother about the games, about his fears and his nightmares. His dad has talked him into going fishing with a trident again to show him that he does not have to be scared of the weapon. He has started writing poetry and I suggest it might become his talent. He says he will think about it. We talk for the better part of an hour when he tells me he has to go and have his birthday dinner. I tell him I will be in the capitol for at least another week so I don’t know if I will be able to call. I don’t promise anything and he understands why. 

As I hang up I see Gloss smiling on the couch. 

‘What?’ I ask, irritated. 

‘You are not only helping him Cash, he is helping you as well. I have not seen you this relaxed in a long time.’

‘I know. Though I doubt we will be able to talk like this once he knows.’ I say.

‘You will. You will both need the distraction and you will make it work. Think about the way we make it work.You mentor me as much as I mentor you. It is not about helping the other, it is about growing together.’

I snort even though I know it is true.

‘Oh you are so wise all of a sudden.’ 

‘Yeah. Who knew that this hot body also had a brain to work with.’ 

I teasingly slap him on his arm and feel his arms wrap around me. He holds me tight and kisses my head. 

‘I love you.’ He mutters. 

‘I love you too.’


	16. Chapter 16

Rosie is really wobbling now. With only a couple of weeks to go she is excused from work which takes a huge toll on their finances. Gloss and I are not allowed to give them money but the both of us decide to have them over for dinner as much as possible. We also make sure to drop in on Rosie with groceries and accidentally leave some behind. Rosie accepts it but is also disgusted knowing the price we pay to have this kind of money. Fibre is working his ass off to keep them afloat but he is happy to do it. He talks endlessly about all the things he will do with his newborn son or daughter. He makes sure we are all happy because he does not want all those grumpy people around their bundle of joy. 

We get picked up by peacekeepers again only a month after we returned. Gloss and I both know it is deliberate. Rosie is a week away from her due date and Tiberius is making sure we are not there to support our brother and sister-in-law. It is a mere coincidence that Rosie is at my place when they come to collect me. It gives me a chance to reassure her that she will be alright and that we will be back. I tell her to take the food left in both our kitchens. It will keep them fed for a few days. I also tell her where I keep a bit of money if they really need it. She tells me she will not steal from me and I tell her she can borrow it. I know I will never let her repay the money. 

Our trip to the Capitol is again filled with appointments. Enobaria isn’t there and it is hard to pass the little free time I have alone. Wandering around the Capitol is quite an operation if I don’t want to get recognized and I am not in a mood to disguise myself enough to make it work. 

When I return from a regular date, somewhere at the beginning of the second week, I find Tiberius in our living room. Gloss is out on two back-to-back dates, and Tiberius knows that, which means he is here specifically for me. I freeze in my tracks when I see him staring out one of the windows. 

‘Tiberius, did I do something wrong?’ I ask, pointing my eyes to the ground before he can turn around. 

‘No, princess, you have been following orders perfectly.’ Great. He has taken over Helio’s nickname for me. Just what I needed. 

‘I am here to tell you that you have become an aunt today. Your nephew Vic Grimes was born a little over 3 this morning. He and his mother are doing great.’ 

I feel an instant flow of relief. Rosie and Fibre have their little miracle and I can not wait to see him. I want to talk to them badly but I don’t know if I will be allowed. 

‘Can I call them?’ I ask him. 

In the reflection of the windows I can see the grin on his face. Of course I can’t. 

‘No. You can not call anyone from here.’ He says. 

He must see the confusion on my face. I have called Finn from here on more than one occasion. There was no one who told me I couldn’t or prevented it from happening.

‘How -’

‘How can you call Finnick? Because I let you Cashmere. I know what you are trying to do and although I still doubt if it is within my rules it has the desired effect. The boy will be ready when he needs to perform and you will make sure he will keep performing. Technically you are doing my work for me.’ 

He has walked my way and is now stroking my hair. I can’t help but stay there and freeze over again. He has everything in the palm of his hand. 

‘Don’t even think about trying to call them.’ He hisses in my ear. ‘Snow has never shied away from killing children for a good purpose and your nephew has just become a perfect target.’

When I hear the door close behind me I crash against the wall. Panting heavily. Calm down, Cashmere. He has threatened Rosie directly before and she is still alive. Vic will be fine as long as we don’t let them down. I try to take deep breaths to calm myself. Rosie is fine. Fibre is fine. And Vic will be too. He is part of our family now and I will do anything in my power to protect him. 

I need to talk to someone. Gloss will not be back for a couple of hours and I doubt he will be in a mood to talk tonight. I can’t call Rosie or we will lose Vic before I get a chance to meet him. My only option is Finn. I will not be able to tell him everything but he might be able to cheer me up.

It only takes me a few steps to reach my phone. I hear a faint clicking sound before I get a chance to dial Finnick’s number. I hear someone sigh on the other sight. 

‘Really Cashmere? You are going to try this?’ Tiberius's sarcastic tone is ringing in my ear. 

‘Of course not. Just let me talk to Finn!’ I beg. 

‘Oh, you are already in the nickname stage?’ I can imagine the grin on his face. 

‘Please! You know I will not tell him anything, I haven’t told him anything.’

‘Calm down Cashmere, I will let you talk to him.’

I take a few deep breaths as I hear the call go through. It rings for a few seconds before I hear his familiar voice and I calm down instantly. 

‘Finnick.’ He says. 

‘Finn!’ I almost scream into the phone and can’t help the tears that stream down my face. 

‘Cashmere? Are you okay?’ His voice sounds immediately worried. 

‘No I am not. But I need you to talk to me about your perfectly normal life. About the sea breeze and your parents. Tell me about what you ate this morning or last night. Or tell me about how many fish your father brought home yesterday. Tell me something that does not remind me of the Capitol.’ I almost shout at him. 

I hear him pause for a minute. Not knowing what to say.

‘Please!’ I beg him. 

I hear him sigh as he decides on a story to tell. I know I am asking a lot without explaining. But I can't explain. 

'Well, we ate fish yesterday as always. This time mom put it in the oven to try something new. Well, it was okay. Not the best meal I have ever had but definitely not the worst. And dad took me fishing this morning. I tried catching it with just a trident but that is kind of hard. So I tried catching it with a net but my hands were trembling so much that dad took it away from me.’

I start to calm down a bit. Try to take deep breaths. I feel my body slide down the wall, the phone clutched in my hand and the tears streaming down my face. Life goes on. The world keeps turning even though I feel stuck. Vic is safe. Rosie and Fibre are safe. Finn is getting better for now. Then why do I feel so lost? I am trying to hold on to my sanity, trying to hold on to my life but it is so hard. It feels as if I am slipping down every day. 

It takes a while before I notice that Finnick has been silent for a while. 

‘Cashmere?’ He asks softly. 

‘Hm?’ 

‘’This life is not as perfect as they make us believe, is it?’ 

He knows. He may not know details but he knows the capitol will never let go once they have put their claws in you. 

‘No, it is not.’ I answer him with a big sigh. 

‘When does it start?’ He asks and for a moment I freeze. Does he know? How could he know? I haven’t told him and Mags and I agreed to wait till Snow told him. 

‘When does what start?’ I counter. 

‘I don’t know. Whatever they have on their minds for me. Whatever the hell that may be.’ 

I can’t tell him. I don’t want to give him a ticking time bomb to worry about. He will find out soon enough and although I promised not to lie to him I will do it now. 

‘Their plan for me started right away. Maybe their plan for you is not as important. Or maybe you are too young. I was 16 when I won, practically an adult in the Capitol’s eyes. I doubt they see you as an adult.’

I hear him smirk. 

‘Well, apparently I am old enough to kill teenagers but I am still not allowed to do anything without parental consent. How thoughtful.’ 

I feel a laugh boil up in my stomach. The capitol’s standards are strange. Finn will be the legal guardian for a tribute who could be older than him while he still needs his own parents to make decisions on what to spend his money on. I can’t help but let the laugh out and it takes only a few seconds for Finn to join me. 

‘Thanks Finn.’ 

‘No problem. After all we are family right? We help each other.’

We talk for a little while. I ask him if he is ready for the tour and what his talent will be. He tells me that he stuck to my advice and chose poetry. Mags says he is good at it. He tells me that he is dreading the tour. He doesn’t want to see the faces of the family’s he destroyed. He doesn’t want to be in the spotlight again. I recognize the exact same feelings I had last year before my tour. 

‘I know it sounds weird but it helps to get out the person you were before you went into the arena. The boy that everybody loved so much they didn’t even look at the other tributes. The boy that stole even my own sponsors away.’

‘But he is the boy that killed all those children. I don’t want to be like him again.’

A little piece of my heart cracks at the thought of how much he will need that side of him. I hate Cashmere the Victor but I can’t imagine my life without her. 

‘I know Finn. But you need him. They want to see that boy. They want to see his bright smile and good looks. Not a boy who can’t pick up a fishing net without shaking. Maybe you should talk to Mags about this. She can explain to you that it is important to look happy and grateful. She can tell you what will happen when you don’t. Promise me you talk to her!’ 

Vic and Rosie flicker back into my mind. Finnick’s parents are on the same list as they are and he needs to protect them. He needs to make sure they are safe. Mags will be by his side on his tour. She will mentor him into behaving the way he is supposed to. 

‘Okay, I will. Will I see you in One?’ Finnick says. 

I like to tell him I will but I don’t know. There are enough victors in One to make a nice party for our newest addition. Maybe Tiberius will decide we need to calm down the people of the capitol when their new and shiny toy boy comes along. 

‘I don’t know. Maybe I will be in One. Maybe in the Capitol. But I promise if we have a chance to talk, we will.’ 

* * *

At the end of our two weeks we are both eager to return home. Vic is waiting for us and we are both anxious to meet him. He will be the new star of the family and this time I don’t mind. He deserves the spotlight. Fibre and Rosie are glowing when they introduce the little man to us. His bright blue eyes stare at me curiously as he is put into my arms. The warmth of his body immediately reaches my heart and as he grabs Gloss’ pinky with his tiny hands I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. This boy will be my new reason to fight. My reason to keep the Capitol away from our home as much as possible. 

I hold him for hours and I start to talk to the boy. I tell him about his wonderful parents and his amazingly handsome uncles. I tell him that we will all be there to pick him up if he falls. He will take over my role as the baby of the family and he will be pampered just like I was. I tell him I will help his mom with whatever she needs and I will babysit him everyday if I have to. A quick glance at Rosie tells me she is listening, tears in her eyes. Screw hairdressing, Vic will be my new talent. 

A few weeks go by and Mia and Lux decide to get married earlier than they planned. Our family has noticed that we are called to the capitol without a schedule and all of them realised that our departure just before Rosie’s due date was no coincidence. So Mia decided not to talk about the wedding with me until Rosie turned up on my doorstep on a sunny november morning with Vic on one arm and a corsage in the other. Her eyes glimmering in the sunlight. 

‘It is time.’ She says with a very big smile. 

‘Time for what?’ I ask.

As I look around I see Fibre on Gloss’ doorstep, dressed in his best clothes and holding a corsage matching the one Rosie is holding. The expression on Gloss’ face tells me he has no idea either. 

‘Time to get dressed up and celebrate the love between two people.’ I see her wink at me and suddenly I realise what she means. Even now she tries to keep the word marriage out of my house and the prying ears of the capitol. I can barely contain my excitement. The thought that I would probably miss the whole thing had already settled itself in my mind and the fact that we will be able to attend makes me extremely happy. I even feel tears in my eyes but as long as they are tears of joy I don’t mind at all. 

‘Well, come on Cash. Get ready! I assumed you have enough dresses to fit the occasion.’ 

Rosie follows me inside and helps me pick out a dress while she feeds the content boy in her arms. A few of my dresses here at home don’t have a horrible memory glued to them and I settle for a flowy soft pink cocktail dress. I let my hair down and pin a few loose hairs behind my ears. Rosie pins the corsage in place when we both decide I am ready. 

Gloss is waiting for me in my front yard. A big smile plastered on his face. It is his real smile. No made up persona, no hidden pains. I can’t help but smile back at him. We both were pretty sure we would not be here for this day to happen and I can’t help but think of the defeated look on Tiberius's face when he realizes he can’t control our family as much as he thinks he can. Days like these are our ultimate win over his dominance. He opens his arms wide and I find my comfortable place against his chest. His familiar kiss on my head makes our day complete.

As we make our way down to the justice building we are joined by Silver, the somewhat lonely part of our family. He has the same looks as the rest of us but seems to have a bit less experience in the social component of life. He works a lot and makes decent money but he has no one to share it with. It would be a lie that he is really looking for it. He is perfectly happy for now and none in our family have any intention to change that. Vic doesn’t even seem to mind and chirps happily when he sees his uncle. 

Mia is shining in the same dress Rosie wore little more than a year ago. Wedding dresses are expensive and when families can share, they will. Lux looks like the happiest man alive. His eyes are focused on his soon to be wife and I see a hint of emotion in them. As soon as Mia turns around I run to her. The smile on her face tells me this is exactly what she was hoping would happen. As I hug her tightly I feel a wave of happiness fall over me. 

‘Thank you.’ I whisper in her ear. Afraid that some Capitol official might hear and ruin our little rebellion. 

‘I couldn’t say yes without you. You two are too important to miss this.’ She whispers back.

As I let go of her I see Gloss grab her hand. He squeezes it tightly and mouths the same words I spoke only seconds ago. Mia nods in response. 

The day is perfect. Lux and Mia share their beautiful vows and as the ring of flowers is laid across their necks, as is custom in One, they share a passionate kiss. After that Mia is officially a part of the Grimes family. I am sort of surprised I am able to experience it without a pained sting in my heart. I know I may never be able to find this kind of love and happiness but I am extremely happy to witness the happiness in the people I love. We have a small party at my parents house at which we share stories of our childhood with Lux and Mia’s mother informs us that Mia was a terrible infant. I can feel the pain of the constant smile in my face, unable to bring the corners of my mouth down. 

I stay close to Gloss most of the time afraid I will wake up and realise it is all a dream. But it is not. We are here. We are here with all these people we love. These people we care about. These people are our reason for putting up with the bullshit the Capitol gives us. It is getting late when I lean in and I feel Gloss's protective arms around my shoulders. I want this happiness to last forever. To enjoy this feeling every single day. There is no tension in Gloss’ muscles. For the first time in months he is relaxed. 

Rosie sits beside us as soon as she hands Vic over to his grandmother. The boy is fast asleep and mom is more than happy to hold him for a little while. He is spoiled already but I guess that is the way our family works. We do everything for each other. 

‘It is good to see you two so happy.’ Rosie says in a soft voice only meant for Gloss and me. 

‘I am sorry we could not be there when Vic was born.’ I tell her. For a moment I think about telling her I wanted to call her when I heard but the thought of endangering her even more holds me back. She already knows too much. 

‘I know you would have been there if you would have been able. I don’t blame you.’ I can hear she blames someone but she will not say it out loud. 

Mia and Lux are dancing in the middle of the room. They sway slowly on the music that is playing from the little device we brought from Gloss’ house. Having a music player is not common in District One but being a victor has its perks. I am lost in their movement and the pure love that glows on their faces. Just like Fibre and Rosie they are meant for each other. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. 

‘Thanks Rosie.’ Gloss says out of the blue. 

‘For what?’ She asks, just as surprised as me. 

‘For caring. For doing your best to keep us human considering everything. You could have turned your back on me after all I did, but you didn’t. You somehow refuse to see the monster I see when I look in the mirror. You just accept me, every part of this fucked up life, and treat me as a normal human being.’ He says. 

‘Gloss, you are not a monster. You were faced with a terrible choice and made the one that would bring you back home. Why would I hold that against you?’ 

‘I.. I just..’ Gloss stammers.

‘No. Don’t make an excuse for yourself. You are paying a way too high price for all of this already. There is no reason for us to torment you even more.’

And with that the conversation is done. If I had any doubt about how Rosie feels about us and the capitol, it is now gone. I feel Gloss’ chin resting on my shoulder and the deep breath he lets go lets me know he realized the same thing. We can deal with our demons and we will still be loved until we die. Our family will be there and we can share in their love and their joy. We have each other. We have them. If the odds were ever in our favor, then they were when we were born into this loving family.


	17. Chapter 17

I see his bright smile from across the room and can’t help but feel the jump in my chest at the sight of him. He did great on his tour. Delivering genuine speeches and laughing his brightest smile through all the dinners and parties. I remind myself to talk to Mags when I see her and tell her what a great job she did. I think for a second about his disappointment to not see me in One when he passed through. But dismiss the thought quite quickly. Tiberius had called us to the Capitol half way through the tour, which I had been following intently on my television screen, to work the ever growing crowd of clients. The tour was serving as another spark for our line of work and as Finnick is still too young the substitutes would do the work. Enobaria came in a few days after us but by then Gloss and I had already been exhausted with two to three clients a day. 

Now he was finally here. We hadn’t been able to talk on the phone because of the tour and I had missed our silly conversations. 

As I make my way over to him I can see the flicker in his eyes. The flicker that tells me his smile is real. Not the fake exaggeration of it but the real deal. When I am almost at his side I notice a familiar face behind him. Tiberius is lurking in the shadows. For Gloss and me he is mostly our pimp but keeping the victors, every single one of them, in line is also part of his job description. Finnick might not be working yet but they are already watching him closely. 

Before I get to Finnick I stumble into Mags. Her warm hug welcomes me.

‘I can not thank you enough, Cashmere. You have helped him with things I never could.’ She whispers into my ear. 

‘Thank you for keeping him safe when I was busy. You are awesome.’

I hear her smirk at the last word. Finnick’s word for everything is an excellent description of the woman in front of me. I hold on a little longer before I let go and dare to ask the question. He goes home tomorrow morning. If they talked to him about it they would have done it by now. 

‘Has he spoken to Snow and Tiberius yet?’ I whisper as loud as I dare. 

The light shake of her head gives me my answer and helps me to breath again. The longer he can live his normal life the better. 

‘I thought I was the most awesome person at this party, but you make me think it is my dear old mentor.’ I hear just behind my back. A smile forms on my face. 

‘Well, I am sorry, no one can beat Mags at being the most awesome. Not even you, mister oh-I-am-so-handsome Odair.’ I smirk as I turn around. 

I look deep into his sea green eyes as they twinkle brighter than the stars. His hair is slightly messy from the party but otherwise he looks perfect. His blouse strategically left open as I have seen my brother do so many times and a big smile on his face. 

‘Hi Finn.’ I whisper just before we both step forward into a tight hug. 

I put my nose into the small curls at his neck and smell the weirdly calming scent of the sea. Maybe his thoughts about the cleansing properties of the sea breeze aren’t so weird after all. His tense shoulders relax under my touch and I feel his mask slip for a second. 

‘He handsome, you are doing great. Don’t crumble on me now, not in the lair of the beast.’ I whisper in his ear. 

‘I am just so glad to see you.’ He says back. 

‘I know, Finn. Me too.’ 

As I pull back I keep holding his hand. Not wanting to let go. We have talked about almost everything over the phone but we have never been as close as we are now. I am very aware of Tiberius’ lurking eye in the corner of the room. Anything he may see as a mistake will endanger both Finnick’s loved ones and mine. I feel a strange urge to get away from his eyes.

‘Finn, we are going to dance.’ I tell him as I drag him to the dance floor. 

I gently place his hands in the right places and tell him to follow my lead. I have been to enough parties to at least have an idea of what we are supposed to do and I try to stumble my way through it. Finnick steps on my toes more than once but I don’t mind. He needs to know that the Capital can be fun if you know where to look. It only takes a few minutes to realise we are at the centre of attention. The last two victors having a good time and laughing in the middle of the dancefloor is a rarity. Tiberius has moved positions and is still watching us, Helio is standing right next to him. Ironically Helio is my date again, exactly a year after my own victory tour party. He has left me alone for most of the night but his close proximity to Tiberius makes me anxious. 

After a while we are both exhausted and we step aside. We make our way to the buffet to get a drink when I hear a familiar voice behind my back accompanied by two arms around my waist. 

‘Princess, you make me quite jealous when you dance like that.’ Helio says as he kisses my neck. 

Finnick’s eyes grow big at the sudden appearance and closeness of this Capitol man. It must look strange to see the pair of us together. But I have to keep my act together for Finn and also for Helio. 

‘Helio, you never have to be jealous. You know I am yours. A 15 year old boy will not change that.’ 

My eyes are focused on Finnick as I say the words. His eyes are unreadable. 

‘Maybe you can introduce me to our newest victor.’ Helio says. 

‘Of course.’ I exclaim. ‘Helio Boggart. Finnick Odair, the victor of the 65th Hunger Games. Finnick. Helio, my close friend and biggest sponsor.’ 

I watch closely as they shake hands. Helio isn’t my sponsor or my friend but Finnick doesn't need to know what he really is just yet. I get the feeling he realises that I am not going to explain anything as he smiles while they shake hands. They have a short conversation about Finnick’s victory and all the while Helio makes sure his arm is around my shoulder. After a while Finnick is called away by Mags to meet some of his sponsors. As he walks away I feel Helio’s grip on my shoulder tighten. 

‘Your close friend and biggest sponsor? Really princess, you tell the boy everything except the fact that you are a whore?’ He whispers into my ear. ‘You do realise he will find out soon? Once he turns 16 he will be fucking his way through life at every opportunity.’

A shiver runs down my spine.

‘I know. But that doesn’t mean I need to ruin his life before that happens. He will find out, but I am not the one telling him.’ I answer. 

‘Speaking of fucking. Let’s get out of here, I want you.’ Helio says while squeezing my ass. 

‘Can I tell Gloss I am leaving?’

‘Sure. I’ll meet you at the door in five minutes.’ He says while he makes his way to Tiberius, who has been watching us from his corner. A smirk on his face. 

I glance over at Finnick, Mags is standing protectively by his side. He is having a conversation with a couple of women. Explaining why I have to go will take too much time and I really need to find Gloss. Mags and I lock eyes for a few seconds and she seems to understand that I have to leave. She nods at me in understanding. 

As I look for Gloss I see Enobaria dancing with her own date. The middle aged man is one of her regulars and she seems to enjoy herself for once. Not all of them are bad I remind myself again. It doesn’t take long for me to find my brother. He is entangled in a wild kiss with his date on a couch. Probably not his choice but it looks very convincing from where I am standing. 

‘Gloss!’ I yell over the sound of the music when I reach him. 

He recognizes my voice immediately and pulls back from his date. 

‘Give me a moment darling. I will be back before you can think of anyone else.’ He tells her. 

A moment later he jumps up and throws his arms around me. 

‘What’s wrong Cash?’ He whispers in my ear. 

‘I am leaving. Keep an eye on Finnick for me, will you?’ 

‘I will.’

‘I told him Helio is a close friend and sponsor. Please don’t tell him otherwise.’

I see the soft nod of his head as he pulls back. I let go of his hand and do not look back when I make my way to the door afraid Finnick might see me. He may know a lot about me but I am not sharing this one. 

Helio is waiting at the door with his terrible glimmer in his eyes. His excitement is already visible through his pants. I put up my best Capitol smile and let him put his arm around me. Helio has been waiting for a chance to have me for almost half a year now and I am afraid he will make the most of it. 

* * *

I wake up the next morning with a terrible headache. I can’t remember anything since I left the party and it takes a moment for me to realize where I am. The room is familiar but it is not my own in the tribute centre or our apartment. A warm arm lays protectively acros my naked chest. I feel the slight jerk of something around my ankle which keeps my leg in one spot. 

What happened? Chaos rages in my head. I try to remember what happened last night after the party but my mind is blank. I desperately want to look around but the arm is holding me in place. Okay, I have to start small and look for things I  _ can _ figure out. My head is hurting like my brains want to break out of my skull. I can’t move my left foot without being hurt and I am totally and utterly naked. My eye falls on my wrists which bear the red rope marks I have seen on Gloss so many times. Also, I am not alone. I can smell a familiar capitol scent to go with the arm. Helio. 

Vague flashes of last night start to resurface in my mind. I see flashes of little white pills Helio forces me to take with a glass of some very strong alcohol. Flashes of being tied to the bed with Helio’s naked body on top of me. Flashes of his hands on my throat and me choking under his touch. Fear creeps up on me instantly. What the hell happened and why? Had I done something wrong to deserve this? 

I feel Helio move as I shudder. 

‘Goodmorning princess.’ He says as he kisses my hair. 

I feel a sudden dryness in my throat. It is like I swallowed a bucket full of sand, not able to talk. Why are there so many holes in my memory? As I feel Helio’s arm disappear I get a chance to look around. There are clothes spread out over the floor along with a couple of empty liquor bottles. My ankle is shackled to the bed which explains why I am not able to move it. 

‘What happened?’ I finally manage to ask Helio. 

‘We had some fun last night. I must say I have missed you the last couple of months.’ 

What else is new? I can remember he was my date, I just can’t remember what happened. At least not in a complete story. Why am I still here if we had a date last night? Shouldn’t I be in our apartment by now getting ready to go home to One? 

As Helio gets out of the bed I deliberately look away. He, like me, is naked and my headache already makes me nauseous. I am not sure if I can hold back the contents of my stomach if I look at his body. I feel him touch the shackles around my ankle but he is not removing them. The sound of him just walking away frightens me. He has no intention to let me go which means he is not done yet. 

I stare blankly at the circles on the wallpaper while I trace the red marks around my wrists with my fingers. How can a human being do something like this to someone else? It is like the Capitol doesn’t even care. They don’t care about children killing each other. They don’t care about exploiting the teenagers who manage to get out of the fighting. They don’t care about the nightmares. The pain. The never ending hurt. From the moment a victor’s name comes out of the reaping until the moment a victor dies they will forever be hurt. Maybe winning the games isn’t the best outcome after all. 

Helio is busy in the bathroom and I hear him hum a song. He has been there for half an hour and he doesn’t even seem to care that he has me bound to his bed. What does he expect me to do? Apparently our date is not finished yet but I can’t seem to figure out what he wants from me. The pain in my ankle gets worse and I decide to sit up on the end of the bed to take the pressure away. As soon as I sit up I feel my head spin. Great, so even if I wasn’t shackled to the bed I would probably not have been able to get away. It takes all of my willpower to not throw up on the carpet beside the bed. Why do I feel so terrible? 

I lower my head in my hands as I try to think. Some new flashes come into my mind. Me protesting something and Helio slapping my face. The image changes to Helio shackling me to the bed while the room seems to turn around me. A vile grin on his face. 

‘Princess, you look terrible. Maybe you should shower.’ Helio says as he walks into the room. His hair is wet but otherwise he looks like he is having a business meeting. 

I feel his hands around my ankle as he removes the shackles around them. He reaches out to me to help me stand up and I think for about a second if I want to take it. I probably need the support to even stand so refusing his help would be stupid. His hand is warm as he pulls me to my feet. As soon as my feet hit the ground I get dizzy again. The world is spinning around me and I have to grab his arms to keep standing. Before I realize what is happening Helio scoops me up into his arms and carries me to the bathroom. When I look into his eyes I see a hint of concern. 

‘Are you okay, princess?’ He asks. 

‘I am so dizzy. Like I have to throw up.’ I manage as he puts me down in the shower. 

‘Well, we had quite a party last night. Maybe I gave you too much. I see what I can get to help you feel better.’ He says as he leaves the bathroom. 

I am holding onto the wall for dear life, afraid to fall and make it worse. It takes a few minutes before I feel steady enough to hit the right buttons on the shower. The shower does help. It helps clear my mind and it stops my body from trembling. I enjoy the warm streams more than I normally do. 

The picture I see in the mirror the moment I step out of the shower frightens me. I see a girl with the pain in her eyes I have seen in Gloss’ eyes. The imprints of fingers are showing on her bruised neck and arms. Along with the red markings on her wrists there are red markings around her ankles. Hickeys mark her breasts and red nail marks line the insight of her thighs. What happened last night? How can Helio be so cruel and why hadn’t I noticed all of this happening?

As I step out of the bathroom I make sure I keep holding onto the wall. My head may be more clear but I still don’t trust my body. Helio has laid out a dress for me that is different from the one I was wearing last night. This one is covering up my battle scars quite nicely and does pretend nothing is wrong. Helio is standing in the doorway clutching some pills and a glass of water. 

‘Here, take these. You will feel better.’ He says as he walks my way. 

I surely hope they do because I still feel terrible. Without thinking about what Helio is feeding me I take the pills and swallow them. As soon as they reach my stomach they start working and I feel my trembling body relax. The mist in my head doesn’t clear completely but I am at least able to stand on my own within moments. 

‘Get dressed, princess. I want to take you out for lunch before you head home.’

So he wants to show me off to the Capitol as his property. That is the reason I am still here. I make my way to the bed completely silent while Helio is still watching me. He watches my every move like he expects me to do something. Even if I was able I wouldn’t even think about it. The risks I would be taking were too big to even consider. 

The red long-sleeved and high collared dress fits like a glove. The fabric hugs my curves perfectly and hides everything that Helio has managed to destroy last night. I try to erase the signs of fatigue and pain in my face with some makeup but I can not change the look I see in my own eyes. I can only hope that no one will see that look and comes to the wrong, or maybe the right, conclusions. The lust in Helio’s eyes is there again as I emerge from the bathroom a second time but the time we have until my train leaves is limited. I somehow doubt that Helio has the same power as Tiberius to delay the trains. 

We have lunch in a little restaurant in the middle of the City Centre. Helio’s arm curls protectively around my shoulder and never leaves. He really wants to show me off. I start to wonder what Gloss must be thinking by now. Is he worried by me not returning to our apartment after a date? Is he with Tiberius right now just like every last day of our trip? I decide to push the thoughts from my mind. I will see him in a couple of hours at the train station. He will have to survive until then. 

Helio tries to pick up all the information about our homelife that he can but I will not give him anymore than he knows. I don’t talk about Mia and Lux and I don’t even acknowledge Vic’s existence. The less they know about my nephew the better. As soon as he realises I will not tell anything he switches to the details of the games and the viewing centre. He wants to know about my relationship with Finnick and life on the victors floor. I tell him that Finnick and I help each other out and that I am hardly on the floor because I am always working. The last comment silences him on the deep questions. After that we just make small talk. 

After two hours he kisses me goodbye and gets me a cab to the train station. I see the longing in his eyes to have me a little longer but this time he can’t change anything. Tiberius is calling the shots and the train will not wait for me. Once the door shuts and he disappears from sight I am able to truly breath again. I feel the pain in my muscles and feel the stinging of the markings on my thighs. Is this what Gloss feels every time he has been to Tiberius? This intense feeling of despair and shame. All of my strong fighter personality ripped away. I feel extremely vulnerable and I am sure that if someone were to attack me right now I would not be able to stop them. 

I drag myself towards the train that will bring me home. Hoping that Gloss or one of the avoxes thought about getting my personal stuff in a bag and onto the train. The pills that Helio gave me start to wear off and I start to feel terrible again. I stumble my way through the train and into my compartment. It is no surprise that Gloss is waiting for me there. He looks worried but otherwise fine. There is no evidence of a date with Tiberius. I can see a hint of relief in his eyes but when he realizes the state I am in, the relief turns to concern. 

‘Cash, what happened?’ He asks as he grabs my arms to hold me steady. 

‘Helio.’ Is all I can manage. 

‘What the hell did he do to you?’ I can hear the anger in his voice. 

I have seen him come back shattered from a date with Tiberius a couple of times now but I did not have that many violent encounters with my own clients, yet. 

‘He drugged me with something and after that I don’t really remember. I woke up shackled to his bed feeling absolutely terrible.’ 

Without asking I feel his hands on my back, ready to unzip my dress. I am too tired to protest and it is not like he has not seen me naked before, so I let him. Maybe it is better if he sees the full extent of my injuries. He falls completely silent as my dress falls to the ground. I feel him trace the markings on my arms and neck and the anger in his eyes grows when he spots my breasts and thighs. For a minute I am afraid of what he will do. He can not take his anger out on the wrong person or we risk something far worse than a date with either Helio or Tiberius. 

‘Gloss, calm down, please.’ I tell him. 

‘Don’t worry Cash. I am not doing something stupid. I am just killing him with my bare hands in my head and I want to enjoy every single bit of it.’ 

I can’t help but smile at the comment. 

‘How many times have you killed Tiberius in your head?’ I ask him with a smile on my face. 

‘More times than I can count.’ He smiles back. 

I take the time to look at him in return. The normal drain in his eyes after a date with Tiberius isn’t there and I don’t see any red markings. I come to the realisation when I grip his wrists. 

‘You didn’t see Tiberius today.’ It is more of a statement than a question. 

‘No,’ Gloss says, ‘He called the apartment this morning telling me he was too busy with finishing Finnick’s tour. He assured me he would make it up to me on the next trip but he practically told me I was free today. When I wanted to wake you to tell you I found out you weren’t there, so I made my way to the train as soon as I could, hoping I would find you here. You had me worried sis.’ He says as he hugs me. 

His strong arms around me once again make me feel safe and my respect for Enobaria grows. How can she survive this without someone like Gloss to catch her when she falls? There are enough victors in Two but I doubt she can talk to Brutus or any of the others about this. Gloss and I have each other and something in my gut tells me that Finnick might be able to talk to Mags about it when he wants to. He talks to her about the games and she knows about his soon-to-arrive extended duties. I make a mental note to try and call Ena when I get a chance. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 66th Hunger Games!

Vic is squirming happily in my arms. His little chubby fingers, courtesy of the excellent food provided by his extended family, try to grab the ends of my hair as they swing in front of his face. I let him. He isn’t nearly strong enough to hurt me and I enjoy his little smile too much to stop it. Rosie is making dinner while she glances my way every once and awhile. I try to spend as much time with Vic as I can. Rosie has started working again so they have a little more money to spend and I am more than happy to babysit Vic when she is working. It is not like I have anything else to do except wait for the next time Tiberius drags us back to the Capitol. 

With the games coming up in weeks I feel my nightmares spark again. Finnick is back to calling me almost every day to try to get over the anxiety of having to mentor his first tributes. He asks me a lot of questions about how it all works and how he can help them. I know that I can not prepare him for everything and he knows that too, but talking about his fears seems to help. He doesn’t say anything about his fear for the plan the capitol has with him but I can feel it is there. I don’t bring it up, not wanting him to know I already know what they have planned. 

Rosie has been quiet about the amount of time we spend in the Capitol. She and Vic were the only ones in my family to greet us at the train station when we came back after Finnicks tour. She hasn’t said anything but I know she saw the marks around my wrists that day. Gloss noticed it too and gave her a warning look to keep her mouth shut which she nodded at. We know Rosie would never talk out of place, she knows about the target on her back without doing something that stupid, but she started looking for markings on the both of us when we returned from our next trip to the Capitol. Tracking what they had done to us every time. 

‘You want to talk about it?’ Rosie asks me out of the blue. 

Vic has silently fallen asleep in my arms and it is only then that I realise I have been staring at the wall for the last 30 minutes. Completely lost in my own world. 

‘Want to talk about what?’ 

‘I don’t know. Anything that is bothering you I guess. I won’t judge, I will just listen. So if you want to talk, you can.’ Her eyes tell me she does not want to push anything. She is genuinely worried about me and my feelings. 

When I think about it, I do want to talk, I just don’t know how. Rosie has touched a soft spot though and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. But how do I tell her? How can I tell her about the guilt I still feel for volunteering for this bullshit life of a victor? How can I tell her about the fear that overwhelms me on Finnick's behalve. The gentle boy that hides beneath his personality, soon to be crushed beneath the weight of this terrible world. 

‘I - I just feel so lost.’ I manage to say. 

Rosie’s eyes stay focused on me while she makes her way to the couch. Vic is still nestled in my arms and his warm little body gives me comfort. His innocent life threatened from the moment he was born because of the Capitol. I feel the couch dip as Rosie sets herself beside me. 

‘I - It’s just so hard to keep it all up. I don’t know how much more of this fucking life I can take. Being dragged back to that hell hole knowing what will happen the moment we get there. Never being able to have what you and Fibre have. Never being able to have a little one of my own until the President decides he doesn’t need me anymore. And even then my child would probably be doomed to be reaped. But worse of all I don’t know how the hell I am going to help Finnick.’ I blurt it out almost without breathing. 

‘What makes you think you can’t help Finnick? Gloss tells me the two of you help each other out a lot.’ 

‘Yeah, because he doesn’t know yet.’ I snort. ‘How the fuck am I going to help him once the vultures arrive to put their dirty claws into him? How can I explain to him that I knew all along what he was sentenced to do the moment he was reaped? How can I protect the boy when I can’t even protect myself? He doesn’t deserve this life.’ 

‘No one does. You don’t deserve it either, Cash. And as for helping him. You can’t help him with everything but he will need you nonetheless. He will need your support, your listening ear and your advice.’ Rosie says. 

‘And I am the perfect person to give him advice.’ I snort. ‘I barely know how to do this myself’ 

‘Which makes you more qualified than anyone else. There are enough people who have experience enough to help him with the games but they can’t help him with this. There are three people who can of which he knows you the best by far. Just follow your instincts, you may not be able to save him from it just like Gloss wasn’t able to save you, but you can make it better.’ 

“You believe that?’ I ask her.

‘I have to. Because I could not live in a world where even the hope that we can change anything is destroyed.’ 

* * *

This year's reaping gives us two volunteers: Ava Braun and Benson Smirk. Both of them are 18-years old and have trained at the same academy Gloss and I once attended. Ava is a typical District one tribute with her slim legs and long auburn flowing locks. Her eyes are a deep shade of brown and easy to drown in. If she wins she will be one of the desirable ones for sure and a part of me hopes that she doesn’t become our newest victor. Benson is bulky and arrogant. He starts off on the wrong footing when he loudly complains about being mentored by two teenagers who barely know their way around the Capitol. Gloss answers the gloating and arrogant boy by telling him that he will just as happy step aside and let him fend for himself. Adding that Careers are known to rely on sponsors more than any of the other tributes and it will most certainly result in his own death to deny help. I can’t help but silently laugh at Gloss while he lectures the boy but it has the desired effect. Melia also helps by adding that he needs to show respect to a mentor who was able to bring his tribute home on his first try. 

As soon as Ava and Benson are off to prep for the tribute parade I get my first envelope. I had a little more time to adjust to the Capitol last year but I am not given that luxury this time. It almost feels weird to be back at the tribute centre while we have spent so much time in our own apartment since last year but I can find my way to my room in an instant. Someone has made sure that all my dresses are brought here and I can see our stylist has added some for the official ceremonies this year. Picking a dress for meeting a client has gotten much easier than the first few times I had to pick and it takes me only half an hour to get ready. 

When I make my way down I can see multiple mentors gathering in the bar on the ground floor of the tribute centre. A spark of jealousy flickers through my body especially when I see Finnick among them. I would do anything to join them but I know I can’t. The desire to talk to Finnick has been growing ever since we boarded the train but I know I have to hold onto it a little while longer. I divert my gaze to the door of the building and the waiting car outside. Better not to tempt myself to disobey orders. 

‘Cash!’ 

I don’t even have to look around to know the owner of the voice. I might have been avoiding Finnick, but he has, sure as hell, seen me. 

‘He Finn.’ I say as I turn around. His grin is as wide as ever and I can see that he really wants to give me a hug but something holds him back. 

‘Are you going somewhere?’ He asks when he looks at the way I am dressed. 

‘Yeah. I have to meet someone.’ 

‘Why?’ 

‘Games business.’ I tell him. We have been using the phrase for awhile now to address the topics I can’t talk about. He doesn’t know what it entails but he sure knows not to ask any questions about it. 

I can see the smile disappear from his face, the disappointment clearly visible. I know he had hoped to spent some more time with me and I hadn’t had the guts to tell him that I would be busy most of the time. 

‘When will you be back?’ 

‘I don’t know. But I will be at the tribute parade, don’t worry.’ 

My heart tells me not to leave him like that but my head tells me I have to go. The car is waiting and I don’t want to upset anyone on my first date of the trip. When I get into the waiting car I look over my shoulder once more. Finnick is still standing in the lobby, his sad eyes fixed on mine. Finnick is smart enough to know there is something I am not telling him and he knows that what I do in the Capitol is something that has upset me more than once. For a moment I wonder if he has already made the connection. 

The date is relatively normal. No strange requests, no weird wishes, just plain old sex. Just a desperate rich guy who is so sexually frustrated he gets of by fucking a 18 year old girl. My cab brings me back to the tribute centre just in time for me to change in the dress my stylist has prepared for the tribute parade. When I get down to where the chariots are lined up I find Gloss discussing some of our strategy with Ava and Benson. He hasn’t had a date yet and helped our tributes through prep. He is scheduled for a date later tonight though so we will switch places after the parade. He will keep our family safe while I tend to our tributes and get them to bed. 

We have five minutes left until the chariot carrying Ava and Benson will leave which gives me just enough time to listen in on Gloss’s pep talk. Gloss doesn’t look at me when I arrive but I feel his hand find mine behind his back. I give him a small but confident squeeze to let him know I am okay. In the corner of my eye I can see Finnicks eyes fixed on mine. Mags is talking softly to their tributes but he does not seem interested in the conversation. Finnick seems more interested in finding out where I have been, which worries me. 

* * *

The games are fast. Both Ava and Benson do well in training and pull 10’s. Their odds for winning are good and with the absence of an absolute favorite the games are unpredictable. The arena is deadly however. A fast dessert stretching the whole arena with only limited water resources. The careers have a huge advantage getting almost all of the supplies from the cornucopia and having enough sponsors to get them water when they need it. It is no wonder that the career pack stays together hunting down the rest of the tributes, if they haven’t died of dehydration before the careers can find them. When they believe no other tributes are alive they start the fighting amongst themselves. I am not exactly sure who kills who but in the end five cannons sound and Angy, the district Two girl is leaning against the cornucopia with a fatal wound to her abdomen. It is only then she realizes that there must be another tribute alive. The district Ten girl Una miraculously found a way to survive getting water out of cacti and hiding in the shade of a rock. 

Finnick is still by my side when we wait for the finale. He hasn’t said anything since he lost his tribute and has been staring intently at the screen to see what will happen. I know that the death stare he enforces must be a part of his coping mechanism because the grip he has on my hand is slightly painful. Mags is standing behind him holding on to his shoulders to support him. Mags has lost so many of her tributes the last couple of years she knows exactly what to tell Finnick. He will never forget them, just like I will never forget Tania and Ava. 

It doesn’t take long for Angy to bleed out which makes Una the new victor. Part of me is relieved, Una isn’t especially pretty and hasn’t won the games based on skill or popularity but based on luck. I have high hopes that she will not follow in the footsteps of the last four victors and be spared this farce of a life. She will still have the nightmares though. I glance over at Gloss when the trumpets sound and I can see the hint of relief in his eyes as well. 

Almost as soon as we, Ena, Mags, Finnick, Gloss and I, set out to leave for the bar an avox appears with an envelope addressed to Gloss. He doesn’t open it but puts it away inside the jacket he is wearing. He wordlessly turns around to get to the elevator but halts immediately when he sees two peacekeepers walk our way. I can feel the tension in the air. 

‘Mister Odair. The President requests your presence. We are here to escort you to the mansion.’ One of them says. 

I see Finnick glance at Mags, his shoulders tense. Mags nods slowly at him and almost as if on cue I see him put on his Capitol smile. Whatever Mags has told him in the past, he knows how to behave around the authorities. 

‘Of course, sir.’ I hear Finnick say while my own heartbeat is in my throat. Finnick will turn 16 in a little more than a month. I don’t even have to guess what this will be about. All of us remain silent as we see Finnick walk away, knowing the boy that will come back will most likely not be the same boy that just left. Once he has left the building I look at Gloss who is still frozen to the ground. The look in his eyes tells me he is thinking the exact same thing as me. 

‘Looks like we will have a new neighbour after tonight.’ Enobaria says, the disgust evident in her voice. ‘I sure as hell need that drink now.’ 

I watch in silence as I see her stump off to the bar. I can see the same anger in her I saw when she stumped out of President Snow’s office a year ago. Gloss excuses himself too, knowing he can’t disobey the orders in his jacket. Which leaves me and Mags. 

‘Cashmere, don’t feel guilty. This was bound to happen eventually. He was lucky they waited this long.’ Mags tells me. I can hear a sadness in her voice I have never heard before. She has dealt with the Capitol for so long but she had never prepared a victor for this particular fate. 

‘I know.’ I say. Not really knowing what else to say. 

‘I will go to my floor so I will be there when he returns.’ 

‘Mags’ I say, when she turns around to the elevators. ‘If he needs anything, someone to talk to, someone to scream at or maybe a hug, tell him to come to me. I can’t guarantee I will be there when he gets there but I will get home eventually. Tell him to wait for me if he wants to.’ 

‘I am sure he will need you.’ Mags says with a faint smile on her face before she turns around and presses the elevator button. I decide to join Enobaria in the bar, the drink that she suggested sounds good. 

* * *

I can’t help the amount of fear I am feeling the moment I return to the tribute centre a little past midnight. Shortly after Enobaria and I had settled in the bar we both got our next envelopes and were both forced to leave. When I returned to our floor to get ready I had found Gloss’s card on the table. The two clients mentioned on it made sure I would not see him until the early hours of the morning. So if Finnick was indeed waiting on our floor now, he was alone. My mind had made up many different scenarios about what I would find and how he would deal with the information he now possessed. I somehow hoped I could help him. 

When the elevator doors open the apartment is dimly lit. The only source of light, a small lamp near the sitting area, illuminating a hunched figure on the couch. He did come. As I make my way to the couch I make sure not to sneak up to him. Sneaking up on a Victor was never a good idea. 

‘Finn?’ I almost whisper. 

The boy on the couch does not react at all, his shoulders are lowered with his elbows resting on his thighs. He reminds me of the fragile boy I saw in the hospital only a year ago, the only difference that he is not physically injured and that he is holding a shiny keycard that is moving in a set pattern between his fingers. I quietly settle myself beside him on the couch, ironically the same couch I had been sitting on the night after I found out what this new life would entail. 

‘Finally done fucking your latest Capitolite?’ Finnick sneers at me, his eyes are filled with anger. 

I feel a slight pain in my stomach at the anger in his voice and eyes. I am pretty sure he isn’t angry at me directly but his anger has to come out someway. Better for it to be me instead of someone who will make his life an even bigger hell. I am lost for words though. I imagined having this conversation with him so many times but now that I have to, I don’t know what to say. 

‘Don’t be angry at me Finn.’ I tell him. 

‘You have known all this time and you didn’t tell me anything. You didn’t even say you knew what they had planned. You just kept saying you didn’t know.’ He is shouting now. 

‘Would you rather have known and spend every minute of the last year dreading your sixteenth birthday? At least you still had some sort of a life after your games, a luxury I never had.’ 

I see the realisation of my words hit him like a lighting bolt. His muscles spasm lightly to let the anger flow away from them. His anger seems all too familiar. It comes with a great feeling of injustice and helplessness. Knowing what you are forced to do, no matter what. No back alleys, no places to hide in. I had my reasons to keep him in the dark and I am sure he can agree with me on them. 

‘I’m sorry.’ He mutters. 

‘Don’t be. I don’t blame you for being angry, I know how you feel, I have been there myself.’ I assure him. 

When his muscles relax I see the absolute devastation in his eyes. His sea green eyes have defeat written in them. Like the strong victor has given up, the smile as far from his lips as it could ever be. 

‘Mags told me you knew from the moment I won and you risked quite a lot to tell her.’

I knew Mags would have tried to calm him down as soon as he returned to the tribute centre. It feels only right that she told him how she knew and who told her about it. 

‘How much did she tell you?

‘She told me that I wasn’t the only one. That you, Enobaria and Gloss all had apartments too and were expected to perform your ‘duties’. When I asked her why you all had not told me she told me about your conversation with her, and the risks you were taking with that.’ He says. 

‘You were still recovering when the three of us were called to see the President. He was pretty pleased with your victory and the spark that you created for his lucrative side business. So he gave us one of those shiny key cards and ordered us to spend more time in the Capitol on top of the regular games duties. All to keep the Capitol interested in spending the night with a victor until you turned 16.’ 

‘So I practically made your life even worse.’ He says followed by a heavy sigh. 

‘Finn, none of this is your fault. You did not ask for this. Besides Tiberius and Snow were just waiting for a reason to extend our services, having already stationed Helio in One to use me as his personal sex slave.’ 

‘Helio? The guy at the party? I thought you said he was your friend.’ 

I can’t help but grin at how easily he had believed that story. 

‘Well, he is most definitely not a friend and I doubt he has ever spent a single coin to help me in the Games. But I had to think of something without telling you he had bought me for the night.’ 

Finnick still hasn’t been able to look me in the eye and I can see him working out the chaos in his head. He will probably need my help a lot in the next couple of weeks and I am glad we established a relationship through the phone when things were still relatively normal. Having to forge that bond now would have been much harder. 

‘Did they give you a timeline? Let you know when they expect you to start?’ I carefully ask. 

‘They will organize a big party for my birthday. And that night they will ‘sell my virginity to the highest bidder’. Tiberius seemed very happy about all of it.’ Finnick answers, the sorrow in his voice cuts right through me. I know it will happen and I know that I can’t change it but still my mind is searching for an answer. 

‘Your virginity?’ 

‘Yeah. I just as much had kissed a girl when I went into the arena and well I wasn’t really in the mood to kiss anyone after. So here I am, a 15 year old virgin who everyone thinks is some sort of a sex god with years of experience. But I have absolutely no clue how to do any of this.’ 

My mind keeps racing. I was lucky that I had a boyfriend before the Games but Gloss had been in the same position as Finnick was now. Gloss had spoken to me about the absolute horror of his first time. Some old rich high placed Capitolite had expected nothing but the best from her purchase and Gloss had barely been able to satisfy her enough. 

_ Think Cashmere. How can you help him? _

I can’t help but smile as the idea pops into my head. 

‘Maybe we can fool them.’ I say softly. 

‘Fool them?’ 

‘Yeah, make them pay for something they will not have and help you out in the process.’ 

I can see the confusion in Finnick’s face and I am slightly amused that he is not making the connection. He will get there, I am sure. 

‘Cash, I am not sure I - ‘ As he stops in the middle of his sentence, I instantly know he understands what I propose. 

‘I want you to experience this without the lives of your parents hanging in the balance. Without the pressure of a paying customer.’ I say as I get up from the couch reaching out my hand to help him up. 

‘Cash, you don’t have to do this.’ Finnick stammers. 

‘Yes I do. Gloss never had a pleasant experience before he was thrown into this fucked up world and he will never be able to get that back.’ 

‘I don’t want to force you - ‘

‘Finn, I have done this for way worse reasons than to help a good friend. I  _ want  _ to do this.’ 

I see the fight leave his eyes when he finally grabs my hand. I can feel his nervousness in his firm hold. As my hand gently strokes his cheek I can see some of the tension start to flow away. His sea green eyes are sad but calm. The first kiss is somewhat hesitant but that changes fairly quickly. His hands start to caress the curves of my body and I start to work on the buttons of his shirt. My experienced fingers succeed without even trying that hard and I let his shirt fall to the ground. His fingers have found their way to the zipper in my dress and I smile as they slowly pull the zipper down my back. Finnick is panting heavily, lost in the motion. 

‘Let’s get to my room.’ I suggest as I take one of his hands to guide him there. I leave the lights off, fumbling in the dim moonlight makes this all more exciting for him. 

Once I make it to my room I step out of the dress. Finnick halts for a moment when he sees me standing in only my panties but he quickly regains his posture. I take his hand as I lead him to the bed. His hands tremble as they move over my back to my breasts, gently caressing them. 

‘They will not break, Finn. You can touch them.’ I smile at him while I pull his pants down over his hips. 

I see him snicker under his breath. 

‘I know. I just want this to be nice for you as well.’ He whispers in my ear. 

The sweetness in his voice makes me melt. This boy deserves so much more than this life.

I slowly push him down on the bed. The anticipation is visible in his eyes and in the bulge in his boxershort. I take it slow. Much slower than I would with any of my clients but I don’t even have to remind myself that this is different. Finnick is different, the feeling is different and for once I am not even close to seeking help from Cashmere the Victor. I try to keep my eyes on his face while I slowly find my way into his boxers. His immediate moans make me smile as his head falls backwards. 

Together we go through the motions. I let him explore my body for a little while and help him to understand what women like. I guide him, I show him and I let him try. We almost move like the ocean, listening to each other's bodies and riding the waves together. Learning the movement with me on top, switching places when he is ready. The glimmer in his eyes betrays the soft heart that is beating inside his chest. He is doing everything to enjoy our time together and make it nice for the both of us. And he doesn’t disappoint. After all, it has been awhile since I actually enjoyed having sex. 

As soon as Finnick reaches his climax he crashes on top of me, exhausted from the effort. His uneven breathing makes me snicker and it isn’t long before Finnick joins me. 

‘That was amazing.’ He whispers. I find the base of his neck and play with the little curly hairs that reside there. 

‘It has been a while since I enjoyed any of this as much as I just did.’ I whisper back. 

The bright grin on his face as he rolls off my body melts my world once again. I don’t want to destroy the moment but I get why Capitolites want to be on the waiting list for this boy. His smile is simply amazing. I stare at him as he puts his head on the pillow beside me, a trickle of sweat falls from his forehead. We stare into each other's eyes for a while before Finnick speaks again. 

‘Thank you.’ 

‘It was the least I could do for a friend.’

‘But you, still, didn’t have too’ 

The corners of my mouth raise slightly again. 

‘I know. I- I just wanted you to enjoy this at least once.’ 

The smile slowly disappears from his face, making way for a disturbed look in his eyes. 

‘It will be bad, won’t it? Nothing like what we just did.’ 

Even without explaining he knows it will be bad. I am still hoping it will get easier somehow. That I will not need at least three days back at home to be able to tolerate physical contact from anyone other than Gloss. That I don’t feel dirty and guilty every time I leave the bed of one of my clients. But something tells me it will never change. And maybe, just maybe, that is a good thing. 

I can only nod as an answer, not able to get the words out of my mouth. 

‘How do you do it?’ Finnick asks as he studies my face. 

I think about it for a moment while I stare at the ceiling. How do I do it?

‘Well, it is not really a choice, is it? Gloss and I have a very big family and they have loaded guns on them from two sides. I think I get through it by thinking of them. Thinking of how they did nothing wrong to get on Snow’s shit list and how I have to protect them. And I guess I use  _ her. _ ’ I say.

‘Her?’ The question marks in Finnicks eyes are evident. 

‘Cashmere the Victor, the girl who was able to kill 6 children without even thinking about it. Her skin is way tougher than my own.’ 

‘So that’s why you asked me to hold onto the arena version of me?’ 

I nod. 

‘You may hate him just as much as I hate that side of me, but he will be able to help you get through it. Use his ruthlessness, his bravery, to approach every client as royalty. They will expect nothing less.’ I tell him. 

‘But that part of me doesn’t feel anything. When I am him it is like if I don’t care about anything or anyone.’

‘Would that be bad? To feel nothing while you have sex with someone who has paid for your company?’ I ask him. 

He doesn’t answer but I know he gets the point. This line of work is not about love or comfort, it is about power. The power that people like to have over others. The power they buy with the money they got by being born in the Capitol. Gloss told me once that female Capitolites like it to get a bit rough so they have some ‘scars’ to show their friends and they can prove their date with him. It is all about power and power can be bought if you have enough money. 

Finnick and I talk for a little while before he has to give into the tiredness of his mind. His eyes slowly close and his breathing calms down. I can’t help but stare at the boy. He looks so much younger when he is asleep. I know what he has done, I know what hunts him at night but still he looks innocent. In a way he is innocent. Yes, he is a murderer but he wouldn’t be if the Games hadn’t forced him. Was he really responsible for his crimes or was his hand simply moved out of his control? 

After half an hour Finnick’s legs start to shake violently. The frown on his face tells me he is back in his arena. The sweat is pouring from his forehead and his breathing becomes labored and uneven. His body and mind are tormented by the memories that flash in front of his eyes. I silently fold my arms around his body and plant a kiss on his hair. As his head touches my shoulder I feel his tears falling down on my chest. As I close my eyes I feel so helpless. I am not able to do anything to make this stop. To stop the nightmares, the clients and the treats that always loom above our heads. It doesn’t take long before my own tears melt together with Finnick’s and we make our own ocean. 


	19. Chapter 19

Finnick is still fast asleep when I wake up the next morning. The sun has barely come up and I know it is still very early. I throw on a nightgown and as I make my way to the living room I hear the sound of the elevator. Gloss stumbles into the living room, tiredness evident in his eyes but otherwise whole. He might have had a drink or two too many because he sways slightly as he makes his way to the couch. 

‘You’re late. Hard time getting away?’ I ask him. 

‘Yeah, the bastard got me drunk and insisted on some sick bathing ritual before he let me go.’

‘Want a hug?’ 

‘Yeah. Please.’

His arms find their usual place around my body, his chin on my shoulder so he can smell my hair. It only takes a little while for him to calm down and for his muscles to relax. Gloss once told me that hugging me helped him to come home again. To come down to earth and to come back from his Capitol persona. 

‘Have you talked to Finnick?’ Gloss asks, still holding on tightly. 

I nod. 

‘And? How was he?’ Gloss asks. 

‘Angry, sad, confused, trembling like a leaf. So nothing you wouldn’t expect.’ 

‘Does he understand the risks and why he has to go along with this?’ Gloss asks as he lets go of my shoulders. 

‘Yeah. He does. He told me they plan on selling him to the highest bidder on a big 16th birthday celebration.’ 

I see the shudder running through Gloss’s body as he walks to the kitchen area. He grabs a glass and fills it to the brim with water. He probably wanted to grab something stronger but he is already feeling the effects of the alcohol. Gloss and I don’t drink at home, for the fear of getting too dependent on the effects it provides, but in the Capitol it can really help to cope with all of it. Especially after some really bad clients. 

‘Tiberius must be very happy about that. He will be able to get a lot of money for the boy. Is he a virgin?’ Gloss asks. 

‘He was.’ I answer, a small smile on my face. 

‘He was?’ The look on Gloss’s face is a mixture of confusion and delight. 

‘’Yes, he was. Tiberius was really looking forward to selling his virginity and now he never will. And Finn won’t have the same fucked up first time you had, no one deserves that.’ 

The smile on Gloss his face gets wider and wider as the magnitude of my words sinks in. 

‘Oh sis, you surprise me every time. Did he enjoy your company?’ Gloss laughs. 

‘Well, you can ask him when he wakes up.’ I say as I dump myself on the couch.’He is still battling his nightmares in my bed.’ 

Gloss sits down beside me, placing his hand on my thigh. His hand draws little circles on my leg while he stares in the distance. 

‘How did you do this your first time? Having no one to talk to but a drunk Haymitch and no support to help you through it.’ I ask him. 

Gloss sighs heavily.

‘I guess I still had the adrenaline from the games in my veins. I only spent one night in the hospital after I returned from the arena because I was practically uninjured. So my interview, ceremonie and talk with Snow were scheduled within days of my victory. I don’t think I really had time to think about it. The only thing on my mind was keeping you safe and making sure I would return to see all of you alive. It wasn’t until I returned home I started thinking about what had happened and how I was supposed to go on with my life.’ 

I fold my legs under my body and grab my knees tightly with my arms. I still remember how Gloss got back. The first few days he was mostly tired but happy to see us again, after a week he started to change. He did not want us to move with him to victor’s village and he started to avoid us and our family home. He was barely seen in town and every time my mother went to talk to him she came home empty handed. My parents were worried about him and the tension in our house was almost unbearable. It was pretty much the reason I started dating Marcus, to get out of the house and avoid my parents’ nervous chatter. 

Marcus and I tried to be quite rebellious. We would meet after dark and walk to the lake near the victor’s village and make out under the stars. I tried to be silent so my parents would never find out and I did a pretty good job at that. One night we totally forgot time and were out way later than we were both comfortable with. As I had silently made my way back home, past the large big houses of our victors, I had noticed the light on in one of them. The windows had been open and suddenly a shrill scream had pierced the air. It had me startled when I found out it must have been Gloss’s house the scream had come from. 

Getting into victor's village in the middle of the night wasn’t the best idea I have ever had but the thought of Gloss getting hurt again made my thinking not reasonable. By mere coincidence there were no Peacekeepers at the gate and I found my way onto his doorstep without even thinking about it. I knocked on his door frantically which, when I think about it, probably scared him even more. 

‘Do you remember the first time I ever heard your nightmares?’ I ask him. 

‘Was that the one time you sneaked out with that boyfriend of yours and came to my house in the freaking middle of the night, knocking on my door like my house was on fire?’ He answers, the memory twinkling in his eyes. 

I can’t help but laugh. It sounds like a bad movie from before the Dark Days when he says it like that. 

‘I keep wondering why I never saw what the Games did to you. I literally was the one who found out about your nightmares and who talked to you about them. You all but told me to never move myself into the Capitol’s eye. To never get myself into the games. And that was just what I did. I got jealous of the attention you were getting and I did exactly what you told me not to do.’ I tell him. 

‘Cash, you were already on their radar from the moment I was reaped. You are beautiful and desirable and you were a victor’s sister. They would have reaped you eventually but they waited to increase your chances. You only did not give yourself as much time as the Capitol planned on giving you. When Tiberius told me I had to sleep with just about everyone in order to protect my family he specifically called out that he would love to get his hands on you. I foolishly believed there was a way for me to save you but Tiberius practically taunted me with what he was going to make you do. You would have ended up in the games either way.’ 

Somewhere deep down I had known that as well. As soon as my career path was laid out for me by Tiberius something inside me itched. The reporters had shown interest in me from the moment they came to One for the final eight interviews in Gloss’s games. They seemed to like my input more than the input from my brothers and parents but it did not seem strange at that moment. When Gloss returned he tried to shield me from all the camera’s. He never let me talk to the press anymore and he avoided being seen with me in public. He did everything he could to keep me in the shade even after the whole country knew of my existence. He was grasping at straws, doing everything he could think of to somehow change my fate. Knowing pretty well he would probably never be able to. 

Maybe Gloss even helped me in the decision to volunteer. He started to only talk to me in private while ignoring me in public. He probably tried to distance himself from me, afraid what it would do to him if he had to see me battle and die in the arena. He, unwillingly, took the attention away from me by winning the games but it almost felt like he deliberately ignored me after. My heart ached for him, wanting to help him so badly. To be there for him, to make him smile again. But he just straight out ignored my attempts. It made me angry, made me want to get my place in the family back. It ultimately led to my decision to volunteer. 

‘Thank you.’ I whisper to him. 

‘For what?’ 

‘For trying to protect me from all this. And for helping me now. I can’t imagine what I would do without you by my side to pick me up when I fall.’

‘Well, I am used to picking you up. Been doing that ever since you could stand on those chubby little legs of yours.’ He says

I slap him playfully on his arm. 

‘You know what I mean. I was a pain in the ass when you came back and all through my games. Never thinking about what you were going through and I never thanked you for sticking by my side either way.’ 

As I stare into his eyes I see a single tear slide down his cheek. Although Gloss has nothing to be guilty about I know he still feels guilty. He never asked to be reaped but his reaping ruined the lives of so many people in our family. Maybe he, like me, sometimes wonders if dying in the arena was the better option after all. 

‘We have to be there for _him_ too.’ I whisper

“I know.’ 

‘Will, will you talk to Tiberius about it? I don’t know if he will be okay if he is alone after his first time.’

A painful look appears on his face.

‘I will try, but I have to please him enough to make it happen.’ 

‘It will be worth it. We have to protect him.’ 

‘Yeah. We have to and we will.’

I watch him as he takes a large gulp from the glass in his hand. Gloss would sacrifice himself for all of us in the blink of an eye. I just had to make sure he would not die in the process. 

* * *

It doesn’t take long for Una to get out of the hospital so all the festivities are within a week of the end of the games. Finnick still gets an enormous amount of screentime, probably to show everyone he will be available in a month, and I also notice the amount of interviews going up for Ena, Gloss and me. Snow, apparently, believes that keeping his whores in the spotlight will spark his business even more. 

Gloss and I notice a disturbing shift in my clients. Some of my regulars shift from attentive and mellow to rough and violent. They are also joined by a new pack of men who think violence is the way to turn a lady on. It is like my easy years have vanished and all the trash is thrown my way. More than once I return to the training centre with bruises on my wrists, neck and shoulders. Most of them are shaped like fingers. 

One evening I find a little container on my bedside table with a note on it. 

_I figured it out. You don’t have to talk to me about it. But know you can, if you want to._

_Apply this to the bruises. They will disappear faster._

_Love, Melia_

I knew Melia would eventually figure out what we were doing when we were here. I covered the bruises with huge amounts of makeup when I went on dates, not wanting to show my clients what other customers had done to me. It would trigger too many questions and might have given them ideas I did not want in their heads. I did not bother to cover them with makeup in our apartment though, hiding them from view with long sleeved clothes was all I could manage. Gloss knew they were there and Melia wasn’t around much after the games only stopping by when we had to do something related to the games like the parties. She must have seen the bruises and connected the dots. The press might have been very helpful in that regard. Once again publishing about our excessive dating and our frequent trips to the Capitol in the last year. 

Maybe it is a good thing Melia knows. At least we don’t have to be secretive about it and Melia wouldn’t even think about leaking it. When she realised what is happening she must have worked her ways and found out where the orders come from. She won’t go up against the highest office, not if she wants to keep her job and her tongue. 

Due to Una’s fast recovery we stay longer in the Capitol then we normally would after the games. I guess Tiberius had our schedules laid out before the end of the games and had thought we would have a victor with a longer recovery time. Four days after the victory celebration Gloss receives a card with Tiberius his name and we both know we will be going home later that day or early the next morning. My card bears the name of one of my regulars, I can only hope that this one will not turn violent all of a sudden. 

* * *

I talk to Finnick a lot once we return home. He is scared to death about all of it and in a way his situation is even worse than mine was. I had one night to think about what I was forced to do, Finn has a whole month to get his head around it. Which in his case only gives room to overthink it. He is imagining the most horrible things that could happen on date and I try to assure him that they will let him ease into this line of work. It is no use to deny any of the things he is thinking about, they will probably happen. If even one Capitolite thinks about it they will rent one of us to test his or her theorie. It had taken my clients almost two years to get to that point though so I have high hopes they will give him time to get used to it. 

Gloss did his best to talk Tiberius into synchronising our visit to the Capitol with Finnick’s. He tried to tell him that it would help Finnick perform and he would be able to exploit this birthday party even more by selling the other victors as well. At this point it doesn’t even matter what I have to do as long as I can be there for him.

Gloss said he had done all he could think of and he came back from his date worse than I have ever seen him. I still don’t know what Tiberius did, Gloss won’t tell me, but he never before needed as much time to come down from it. It is hard for me to get the images of his back out of my memory, this time the lashes were joined by a collection of dark purple and black bruises stretching from his shoulders to the insides of his thighs. I almost vomited at the sight and the immense amount of pain Gloss experienced while I tried to use the ointment Melia gave me. I could only hope it was worth it, that we would be allowed to help Finnick through his first weeks as a Capitol sex slave. 

Talking to Rosie about all of it saves me from going insane. Gloss and I never talk about the Capitol believing they eat up too much of our precious time already. Our arrangement was perfect for just the two of us, but with Finnicks phone calls I need to talk about my fears. Rosie is an excellent listener. She mostly just lets me talk about everything I want to talk about. Vic is always there on my lap or in my arms to comfort me. But even with Rosie’s help I feel the tension rise as the weeks go by. For once I hope to be picked up by Peacekeepers, to be shipped off to the place of my nightmares. 

The days leading up to Finnick’s birthday are absolute terror. Finn hasn’t called me in days which gets on my nerves. He is most likely already in the Capitol and although I know no one will touch him I still feel restless. I spend every day with Gloss because he is just as restless as I am. He went through hell for us to be there at Finnick’s party and I am sure it would crash a piece of both of our hearts if it was all in vain. 

When Finnick’s birthday arrives I almost want to stay in bed. I am still stuck in One and I just want to forget the day and not think about the Capitol. When Gloss comes in to get me out of bed I see the same devastation in his eyes. Finnick is going to drown on his own in the city. 

A stiff knock on the door startles us both. Gloss almost jumps up and I see an instant relief in his eyes. It is a weird thing to see considering where we are going if those knocks belong to Peacekeepers. While Gloss rushes downstairs I throw on the dress I was wearing the day before. It is pretty much covered up and in no way up to Capitol standards but at least it is better than the old shirt I sleep in. My escape-bag, I had to give it a name, has been sitting in my chair for weeks and I grab it before even checking if the knocks belonged to the Peacekeepers. 

When I get downstairs I can see the door is left open. Gloss isn’t there, probably getting his bag, but I can see a grinning Peacekeeper in the doorway. In his hand is a large back and a red envelope. The smell of roses floats my way like gas. The envelope is my confirmation of where we are going and I feel a mixture of elation and disgust. I will have to be a whore again but at least I will be able to be there for Finn. 

‘Commander Jones, I believe a train is waiting for me?’ I tease the man. He has picked me up for every trip to the Capitol in the last year so I know by now what is expected of me. 

‘Yes, Miss Grimes, I am here to escort you and present you with your outfit for the party tonight. And -’ His eyes almost twinkle. ‘A little message from the President.’ 

As he hands me the envelope I can see his eyes fixed on my face. Does he know what is inside? Surely it will just be my date for the party although the anticipation on the Commanders face makes me slightly nervous. Better get it over with. When I open the envelope I can see that the message is a lot more than just a name and a time. 

_Princess._

_In the bag you will find the perfect dress for tonight. You are mine, and I can't wait to show the world. I can’t wait to see you._

_Love, Helio_

When I look in the bag that comes with it I get a glimpse of a stunning white gown. When Gloss leaves his own home and slams the door with quite some force I breath a heavy sigh. Come on Cash, you have to help a boy, you can care about yourself later. 

* * *

His eyes are bigger than I have ever seen them when they switch from shock to joy. I can’t help but smile at my friend and I have to hold myself back to run for him but Helio seems to be very protective of me tonight. He still hasn’t said anything about why he chose a dress for me but his eyes are twinkling which is not a good sign. 

Finnick is held back by his own set of Capitolites looking for attention but all his smiles are directed at me. They are his real smiles, not the fake ones but the ones he preserves for his friends. He seems quite calm considering what is about to happen but I can see a little tremor in his leg. It betrays his underlying fear but he is very good at hiding it. It seems like he has been left on his own though. Mags is nowhere to be found and the only familiar face I can find is his chaotic Escort who seems to enjoy himself far too much. 

Finnick and I haven’t spoken in days and to the best of my knowledge he has been in the Capitol the last couple of days. The posters of him around the room only confirm my suspicions. The walls of his own party are covered in his face in all different kinds of poses and outfits. Most of them have a very sexual undertone and quite a few of them feature him in only his underwear. Tiberius has been busy and for a sad moment I realise Finnick has been left all alone in the process, with me, Gloss and Enobaria at home. Ena had walked into the party only half an hour before us and told us she had been put on a train last minute as well. 

I have to get to Finnick but Helio is determined in keeping me by his side. The white dress he had made me wear almost felt like a wedding gown of some sort and it didn’t help that it had come with a ring embellished with his signature mark of the sun. The sun was also heavily featured in a light yellow color on my dress. 

‘Helio. Can I, please, say hi to Finn?’ I whisper in his ear. I make sure I nibble on his earlobe in the process to hopefully force him in the right direction. 

A wide grin spreads across his face. 

‘Of course princess, don’t stray out of my sight though.’ He says, confirming his dominance by squeezing in my arm. 

I nod at him in understanding before I turn around and head for the fastest way to my friend. He excuses himself in the most gentle of manners when he sees me approach and slowly but with a purpose heads my way. Both of us make sure that our excitement is hidden. Showing how big our friendship has grown might be dangerous. 

‘Happy birthday, handsome.’ I whisper into his neck when we entangle in a tight hug. 

‘Cash, I am so glad you are here.’ 

‘I know.’

‘I was afraid I had to do all of this on my own. Being alone in my apartment for the last couple of days really got me going on the bad thoughts.’ He says, still hugging me tightly. 

‘I know, Gloss did his best in convincing Tiberius to let us be here for this but we didn’t know until we were picked up if he succeeded.’ 

‘Remind me to thank him when I see that awesome brother of yours.’ His use of his favorite adjective makes me giggle. We stay silent for a while, still hugging, while I try to find the courage to speak again. 

‘How are you holding up?’ 

A big sigh leaves his mouth. 

‘For now I am fine. I might need you after though.’ 

‘Don’t worry I will be there. Both of us will be. You can even ask Ena, she is not the most talkative but she knows how you feel nonetheless.’ I reply. 

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Helio walking my way. Tiberius is with him which makes me anxious about what is going to happen. In an instinct to protect the both of us I pull back out of the hug. Finnick immediately notices our approaching company and slides back into his Capitol persona in the blink of an eye. I must give him credit for mastering it so quickly. 

‘Princess,’ Helio begins, as he breaches the gap between us and puts his arms around me. ‘Let Finnick enjoy his party, I want to show you the garden.’

The satisfaction in his voice sends shivers down my spine and I doubt that I will like whatever we will be discussing. I see Tiberius firmly place his hand around Finnick’s wrist and the boy tenses up before my eyes. As Helio leads me away I can see Tiberius whispering in Finnick’s ear. Finn nods in understanding before Tiberius leads him away. I can’t help but catch the dirty look Tiberius sends my way. 

The outside air is refreshing as we stroll through the gardens. After a while I start to hear crickets overpowering the sound of the party. Helio is strangely silent while he leads me to a little bench in the shadow of two very tall trees filled with white blossom. As we sit down I feel Helio grabbing my hand, staring at his ring on my finger. 

‘It is beautiful on you, just as I imagined. Do you know what the sun stands for?’ 

I swiftly shake my head. I know it is his symbol but I never thought about the meaning of it. 

‘The name Helio means sun in some ancient language from thousands of years ago. So I took it as my symbol. Tiberius gave me the idea, his name comes from an old river so he has a little wave.’ 

While the hand holding mine keeps holding on the other one finds his way to my hair. His fingers fling the loose blonde strands behind my ear while I still stare at the ring on my finger.

‘This little sun on your beautiful finger tells everyone your mine.’ He whispers while he plants a kiss on my temple. 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask, noticing the shaking in my own voice. 

‘I like to show you off to the people, to tell them I am important enough to be your main client. That I own a part of you.’ 

His hand leaves my hair slowly making its way down to my breast. I still stare at the ring around my finger, thinking about what it means. It does not change anything about the situation when I think about it. I am still a whore. I will still sleep my way around the Capitol. But somehow it feels different. The ring is evidence of what I am. Evidence that I am someone's property. 

As Helio makes his way under my dress, I am not wearing any underwear on his request, I brace myself. I let out a gasp as one of his fingers enters me. Helio lets out a growl while he presses his forehead against my temple. He slowly adds more fingers to his little game and I can’t help but stiffen up under his touch. 

‘Oh Cash, you are so innocent.’ He laughed. 

Innocent? Really? After all they made me do in the last two years he still believes me innocent? This man has a disturbed view of the world. 

His hands suddenly disappear and I am able to breath again.

‘Let's get back to the party, I want to show you to the crowd before we party at my house.’ 

When we get back to the party I immediately start searching for Finnick. Desperately hoping he is still there and not yet fulfilling his end of the bargain of tonight. But I can’t find him. I look around the room but I don’t recognize his impressive demeanor or a pair of sea green eyes. Gloss, however, is staring intently at me. His date has left him alone and we haven’t really spoken all night. It must be the look in my eyes because he makes his way over to me almost immediately. 

‘Gloss, what a pleasure.’ Helio says. 

‘Helio.’ Gloss answers with a stiff nod. ‘Mind if I borrow my sister.’ 

‘She’s all yours.’ 

Gloss takes me to a corner of the room. Taking the hand on which I am wearing the ring in his. He notices the piece of jewelry immediately but doesn’t say anything about it. 

‘He is gone Cash. I saw him leave half an hour ago.’ He says.

‘Did you see who it was? Who has bought him?’ I ask him. 

‘Flavia Crustus, one of the ones who came to me just after Finn’s win. She isn’t bad, at least she is not violent.’ He tries to reassure me which only helps a bit. 

I still feel extremely restless knowing that Finnick has started this awful way of life. It takes almost a minute for me to notice that Gloss is tracing the outline of the ring with his finger. 

‘Make sure you keep wearing it. Never forget it. Never lose it.’ He tells me. 

‘Why?’ I ask him while I try to make eye contact with him which Gloss masterfully avoids. 

‘Because if he finds out you stop wearing it, you are breaking rule number two.’ 

Rule number two. Breaking that one meant the death of a family member. Something we both were desperately trying to avoid. For a minute I wonder how he would know such a thing when my eye falls on the silver bracelet around his wrist. He always wears it, he even showers with it. When he came back with red marks around his wrists, the bracelet was always there. I never took a careful look at it before until now. The bracelet is sturdy and manly and contains one flat bead on the top of his wrist. The bead contains one mark. A simple yet elegant wave. Tiberius’s mark. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere sacrifices a lot to help Finnick.

A loud banging on the door wakes me from a daydream. Gloss and I both look up in alarm. The sound almost sounds like a couple of peacekeepers wanting access to our home. We both have a rare day off which we used to try and relax. My cup of tea almost falls from the table when I get up to open the door. 

When I open the door Finnick is in front of me. His sea green eyes show absolute terror and he is panting like he has just ran up and down the stairs. As if he is hunted by muts he storms into our apartment. Pacing the room frantically. 

‘Finn? What happened?’ I ask, frantic to know.

‘I fucked up Cash. I couldn’t do it and I panicked and I ran away.’ His eyes fill with tears while his hands almost rip out his hair. 

Gloss and I share a look of terror. Whatever happened, it can’t be good. 

‘Finn, calm down. You need to breathe and tell me exactly what happened.’ I tell him. 

Finnick keeps pacing. I have never seen a panic attack but I am pretty sure Finnick is having one. 

‘It was my first male. And he- He wanted me to- to suck him off. And I did. But then he held me down and he wanted to- to-’ He manages. 

‘Breathe Finn. Breathe.’ 

‘I did not want to but my mind flashed back to the arena and I panicked. I just ran out the door. And now someone will die because I was a fucking coward.’ He almost screams the last words while he crashes to the ground. I can feel the tears start to well up in my own eyes. Finnick had been handling his new job like a pro the last couple of days. He never complained about the amount of clients, the nature of their wishes or the fact that he was exhausted and had worse nightmares than ever. But now he had cracked. 

I slowly walk his way and sit down beside him on the cold ground. Gloss hadn’t said anything, probably feeling just as helpless as me. Finnick lets me hug him while the tears stream down his face. His breathing comes in uncontrollable sobs. My hands meet with each other behind his back and the sharp edges of Helio’s ring painfully collide with my fingers. That stupid ring hurts me more than it does good. This stupid ownership they claim to have. Like they actually care. But then it clicks in my mind. What if we could use that ownership for something good? I have Helio’s favor, Gloss has Tiberius’s. What if we could somehow convince them to do us a favor. Maybe we can save Finn’s family from a heart wrenching funeral. 

‘Gloss, give me the phone please.’ 

The look in his eyes is one of confusion but he makes his way over to the phone nonetheless. 

‘Who are you going to call?’ He asks while he hands me the phone. 

‘Tiberius’ I reply. 

‘Cash!’ 

‘We have to try. We have to try to save his family. They think they own us, maybe they will give us something back this time. I will never forgive myself if I don’t try this.’ I say while I stare into my brother's eyes. The confusion makes way for understanding and with a small nod he agrees. 

‘Put it on speaker. I want to hear what he has to say.’

Finnick’s sobbing calms down as he realizes what we are trying to do. His eyes are big and somewhat hopeful. I realize we are grasping for straws but I feel like we have to. Tiberius picks up the phone almost immediately. 

‘Princess, to what do I owe the pleasure?’

‘What can we do to help him?’ I ask right off the hook. 

We can hear him snickering on the other side of the line. 

‘I assume you are referring to your dear young friend?’

‘You know what I am talking about, He panicked, he wasn’t thinking. He never had a man before. Please, give him a second chance.’ I beg. 

‘What about my very disappointed client?’ Tiberius asks. 

‘Give Finnick a second chance. He will grab it and he will not disappoint.’ I had not asked Finnick about it but I was sure he was prepared to do anything to keep his family alive. I don’t know what he is thinking but he is staring at the phone intently waiting for an answer. 

‘How do I know he will not panic again?’ 

As I glance over to Gloss I see him staring at me. The look between us is enough to understand what I am about to say. 

‘Gloss will help him. He will talk to him about it. Prepare him for it. Make sure he knows what to do to make his client happy.’ I say still staring intently into Gloss’s eyes. 

Tiberius takes a few moments to think about it before he answers. 

‘One chance. That is all he will get. Have him ready in an hour’ 

I can feel the relief in the room. Finnick lowers his head in his hands and Gloss starts making his way to his bedroom. I know he has a stash of drugs to take the edge of the pain of violent clients and I am sure he is going to get some of those for Finn. I am about to thank Tiberius when he beats me to talk first. 

‘What about my loss of money?’ He asks. 

All of us stiffen up again and Gloss stops walking. 

‘What about it?’ I ask with a slight shake in my voice. 

‘Hours with Finnick are precious and expensive, I have to reschedule his appointment for this afternoon. Who will repay me for the money that I, and as a result our dear President, will miss?’ He says. 

I swiftly close my eyes. There is always a catch. 

‘What do you propose?’ I ask him with my eyes still closed. Unable to look at the two men beside me. 

‘You and your brother, and don’t pretend he and Finnick are not listening Cashmere, will be picked up in two hours. I expect only the best from all of you. Otherwise I will still make that phone call to the Head Peacekeeper in District Four and I will make sure that Finnick’s lovely mother has a tragic accident. Am I making myself clear?’ 

‘Yes.’ I answer immediately. 

‘Finnick?’ 

‘Yes, sir.’ He says without even thinking about it. 

‘ _ Puer _ ?’ 

Gloss tenses when he hears his hated nickname. His knuckles turn white and his eyes snap shut, filled with dreaded memories. 

‘Yes.  _ Dominus. _ ” He answers with great difficulty. I know he has to say those words to please Tiberius and I know they cause him a great deal of pain and shame. 

‘Good. Oh and Cashmere-’ He says, waiting for me to answer. 

‘Yes?’ 

‘Don’t bother making yourself look presentable.You will have no use for it.’ His last comment is immediately followed by the deafening tone of the phone and a poisonous silence from the three of us. 

Finnick is staring at me with wide eyes probably not able to comprehend what we did to give his mother another chance at life. The hope and gratitude in his eyes slowly makes way for the realisation of what Tiberius had just ordered. A slight hint of fear creeps over his face mixed with worry. 

‘Finn-’ I start. ‘Talk to Gloss. Make sure you don’t panic this time, keep your head clear and your mind on the task. A second chance is very rare, a third is non-existent. Your mother's life is on the line. I will do my part and so will Gloss but if you panic again it will be of no use. Do you get that?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘Good. Now go. Clock is ticking.’

‘Cashmere?’ Finnick starts. ‘Will you be alright?’ 

I sigh heavily. Gloss has already left the room to prepare Finn. 

‘I am not going to lie to you Finn. I probably will not be fine.’ I see him starting to protest but I hold my hand up to stop it. ‘But it is worth it Finn. Tiberius has forced us to do some pretty disturbing stuff before and we came out of it. I am already screwed up, I am not going to let him take your mother because you panicked.’ 

He still wants to protest but the look in his eyes tells me he is grateful. When he turns around to follow Gloss I feel my own panic start. Whatever Tiberius has planned, it is bad. 

* * *

Gloss had done everything he could think of to prepare Finn. He had told him to keep breathing, to let it happen and to keep breathing. Both of us knew it was the only way to survive. He also gave Finnick a couple of pills he could swallow just before he entered the apartment. They would make sure he was aware enough to perform but they would take off the edge of the pain. When the car came to pick him up he was still scared but also determined to not falter this time. 

Once Finn had left our apartment I started to see the worry in Gloss’ eyes. There hadn’t been room for his worry while he was working with Finn but now it was evident in his eyes. 

‘Are you sure about this Cash? We both know that whatever Tiberius has planned is going to be bad.’ He almost whispers. 

‘Do we really have a choice? It will destroy him to lose his mother.’ I reply.

‘But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself. We don’t know what he has planned and I am scared shitless about the fact that it is the both of us again. The last time was really bad Cash, I passed out half way through.’ He tells me. 

‘I promised myself to protect him. And I know I am grasping for straws but it is the only thing I can do. I just feel so lost. Everything is out of my control. You are, Finnick is, my own life is not even close to being my own. I want my life back. Half the time I have no clue who or what I am. I don’t feel like a victor, I don’t even feel human let alone that I feel anything like Cashmere.’ I blurt out, while I am pacing the room just like Finnick had done a little more than an hour ago. 

Gloss’s eyes are stained with tears, his carefully constructed wall to keep his emotions at bay shattered. His arms open and I find my place in them. He kisses my head like he always does and I can feel the tears falling in my hair. We don’t talk until the red light near the door starts blinking, signaling that a car is waiting for us downstairs. 

I expect us to turn up at Tiberius’s apartment but we don’t. The car takes us to the outskirts of the Capitol where we are dropped off at a big mansion. The confusion on Gloss’ face tells me he has never seen this place either. The big double doors are made of dark cherry wood that sounds robust when I knock on them. To my surprise it is not Tiberius who opens the door but a shirtless Helio. He is only wearing a pair of faded jeans and the biggest grin I have ever seen him wear which sends shivers down my spine. Gloss grabs my hand behind my back and squeezes it tightly. 

‘ _ Princess, _ come in.’ Helios says as he steps aside to let us in. 

I try to keep up my game and put a smile on my face. I kiss him gently on the lips as I pass him. Flirting a bit never did any harm. Tiberius’ smirk greets us from the hallway. He is in the same attire Helio is wearing and leaning against one of the walls. Gloss’s eyes are fixed on the ground as soon as he notices Tiberius’ presence. 

‘ _ Puer. _ ’ Tiberius simply says to make Gloss move again. He loses his shirts and slowly melts to the ground, touching the cold tiles with his knees while his wrists lie in his lap. I have to look away, I can’t see my brother this way and not have my stomach turning. 

‘Come on  _ princess. _ ’ Helio whispers while he takes my wrist and guides me to the stairs. The elaborate staircase reminds me of the President's mansion. Helio doesn’t say a word to me while we go upstairs and when I look over my shoulder I can see Tiberius making his way to my brother. 

One of the doors at the end of the hallway is open and it seems to be the door that we are headed for. Just outside the doorway is another guy wearing the same clothes as Helio and Tiberius. I feel a sudden dread about the amount of men involved in my appointment today. I have shared a bed with Gloss and a single client before but never more than that. The overwhelming darkness of the room scares me. The single light in the middle of the room lights up a terrifying structure with all kinds of hooks and ropes attached to it. I startle for a minute, trying to comprehend what I am seeing and what that means for me. Helio laughs at my sudden stop. 

‘Come on,  _ princess.  _ Don’t be scared.’ 

I am absolutely sure that being scared is the appropriate emotion but the secret switch in my head makes my feet move either way. Inside the room are even more men. Some of them are dressed, others are wearing the same attire as Helio. Helio comes to a sudden stop and moves his body behind mine. He places soft kisses in the crook of my neck like he has done so many times before and I turn my head away to give him better access. His hands find their way to my clothes and the top and jeans I am wearing are discarded immediately. It surprises me that he stops there. He barely touches my underwear and stops touching me all together. When he turns me around I can see a pair of shackles in his hands. 

‘Give me your arms.’ He orders, all the softness absent from his voice. 

I don’t even hesitate and do what he has ordered. He takes my wrists and uses the shackles to bind them together. His eyes fall on his ring and I can see a great satisfaction in his eyes before he removes it from my finger and puts it in his pocket. 

‘I will keep it safe for you. Wouldn’t want to lose it or hurt any of us with it.’ 

Any of us. My eyes fly over the people in the room. Around six of them are shirtless and I have a terrible idea what that means. 

´Come on.’ Helio says while dragging me behind him. The structure looms ahead and as I get closer I can see all the different ways of torture, or pleasure for these people, they could be able to perform in this room. The shackles on my wrist are hooked to one of the hooks above my head and as my arms rise I beg for Cashmere the Victor to help me. I close my eyes for a few seconds to let her take over, which she does. 

I am left alone in the centre of the room for a few minutes before someone moves towards me with a knife. The sight is something out of one of my nightmares and I can easily picture Purse’s face on the face of the man before me.  _ Stop it Cashmere, don’t make the same mistake as Finn. Don’t go to the arena.  _ As the tip of the knife touches my skin I flinch. The feeling is all too familiar and I don’t want to think about the last time I felt a knife against my skin. The grinning man in front of me uses the sharp knife to cut through the thin fabric of my bra before he moves to the panties I am wearing and cuts them off as well. 

Hands are everywhere. They are on my ass, on my breasts, between my legs. Some tuck at my hair others try to make me suck on their fingers. I try to go along with what they want but with my hands bound I am pretty limited in giving into their demands. I feel a sudden tension in my arms and shoulders when one of them lifts my feet by the ankles and shackles them apart from each other to one of the other hooks. A terrible ache spreads through my shoulders and back as my feet are hoisted upward and my belly and face are facing towards the ground. The amount of feet in my vision scare me. 

The next couple of hours are the worst I have ever experienced. They don’t even come close to the hours I spend in the arena. In the arena I had a choice. I had control over my own actions. Now I am totally and utterly helpless. They slap me, choke me, fuck me, burn me and violate me in more ways than I thought possible. Every fibre of my being hurts and every time I am about to lose consciousness Helio stops them just long enough to let me breath before they resume what they were doing. Helio is always in my line of sight but is not touching me at all. All my feelings are completely numb. My voice aches from the screaming and I can see a combination of blood and semen drop down from my thighs to the ground. Blood, caused by the shackles, drips down my arms. 

When they release my feet back to the ground and the blood flows back into my aching limbs it hurts. I don’t have the energie to really stand up so I let my feet dangle a bit. My shoulders are already aching, they can hold on for a little longer. I straighten up my neck, which has been hanging between my arms for a while and when I do a sharp pain races through my brain. 

When I look up, I see him. The ghostly vision of my brother is watching me from the back of the room. His face is extremely pale and the glinstering path of his tears mark his cheeks. A leather black collar is placed around his neck and I instantly feel sick. Tiberius is by his side, a wide grin on his face. 

At the edges of my vision I can see Helio walk their way. After a short conversation I see Gloss come to life and listen to the instructions he is given. His eyes grow big when a whip is pressed into his hands but he nods either way. He knows that refusing will only make it worse. We both know that. Gloss is going to whip me and I am scared shitless. None of my clients have used a whip before but I have seen the marks on Gloss more than once. Part of me hopes that a whipping will finally make me pass out. That I get my way out of this pain. Another part assures me that Helio will not let that happen. 

Gloss is trembling like a leaf but he never breaks eye contact with me. He keeps his eyes locked on mine knowing that it will be the only way for him to keep reminding himself who is in front of him. I bet he would love to give into the Gloss he was in the arena but he also knows he can’t do that. He can’t lose himself with what he is about to do. 

My shoulders relax for a little when they let my wrists off from the hook. I immediately fall to my knees, my legs unable to hold me. I know Gloss wants to keep eye contact but I am not able to hold it. Instead I let my eyes wander to the ground like the defeated victor I am. I close my eyes while I wait for Gloss to start. The soft sound of his footsteps make their way across the room as he positions himself to face my back. The terrible sound of the whip is followed by a feeling of total agony. My back arches and I try to muffle my screams. My back feels as if it is on fire and the pain makes the aches in the rest of my body look like child’s play. Another blow follows. And another. For a moment I think that I will be allowed to pass out this time and I welcome the thought, but just before it happens I hear Helio’s voice. 

‘Stop. Or she will pass out.’ 

I follow the sounds of Helio’s footsteps while I am desperately trying to catch my breath.  _ Breathe.  _ The mantra that Gloss taught me flashes through my mind.  _ Breathe.  _ Helio grabs my upper arms to help me up but I can’t stand on my own. My legs work against me. I feel the shackles disappear from my wrists and for the first time I look into Helio’s eyes. They are no longer shining and I can see a hint of worry. One of the avoxes hands him a simple flowy dress and helps him to put it on me. I barely register what they are doing and try to focus on keeping my breathing as steady as I can. 

I truly wake up out of this dreamlike state when I smell the familiar scent of my brother and feel his arms scoop me up. 

‘Your safe Cash. I got you.’ He whispers to me. 

When I open my eyes he is fully clothed again and the collar around his neck is gone. I snuggle my face into his chest and try to shut the world out. I want the world to disappear and just cry. I feel the ring reappearing on my finger but I don’t even open my eyes to acknowledge Helio. 

Tiberius leads us out of the room and the mansion into the courtyard where a car is waiting. The door is thrown open and Gloss puts me softly in the back seat, careful for the wounds scattered over my body. 

‘ _ Puer. _ ’ Tiberius calls out. Gloss stiffens, eyes thrown to the ground. 

‘Yes,  _ dominus. _ ’ He answers. 

‘Not. A word.’ 

Gloss slowly closes his eyes before he nods and gets in the car. He carefully puts my head in his lap, softly stroking my hair. Silent tears roll down my cheeks for the whole car ride. 

When we get back to the apartment I try to stand up but my feet will still not carry me. My inability brings tears to my eyes. I am a freaking victor and I can’t even stand on my own feet. I lean heavily on Gloss. 

‘Cash, let me carry you.’ 

‘NO! I can walk. I walked out of the arena, I sure as hell can walk out of this. I never had to carry you home after Tiberius.’ I almost scream. 

‘Cash, don’t be so stubborn. You are way, way worse than after the arena. You are worse than I have ever been. Let me help you.’ 

This time he does not wait for an answer as he scoops me up and carries me to the elevator. I push myself back into his chest for the way up. When we arrive at our apartment I notice Finnick and Ena on our couch. Both their eyes grow big when they see the state I am in and Ena immediately rushes to call for an avox. Finnick’s face goes extremely pale as he follows us to my bedroom. 

‘Finnick, fill the bath. Ena is getting some stuff to put in it.’ Gloss tells him while he slowly lowers me on my bed. He makes sure to put me on my side, knowing the lashes on my back are very painful. 

‘Let me take a look at you, Cash. I need to know what they did.’ 

He strips the dress from my body before he gently examines my wrists first and I let him. His rope burns have been bleeding before but never as bad as mine do now. His fingers trace the burn marks on my arms and legs, the finger shaped bruises on my hips and neck and the spots where the knife has broken my skin. I can hear him sigh when he spots the dried up blood and semen mixture on the insides of my thighs. He carefully avoids looking at the marks on my back, I can imagine he has already memorized how they look. 

When I open my eyes I see a frightened Finnick beside me on the bed. His unusually big eyes follow Gloss’s every move. Ena storms into the room followed by an avox. The avox takes one look at me before she walks to the bathroom to fill the bath with medicine. 

‘What the hell happened Gloss, she is a mess.’ Ena blurts out. 

‘I think a better question is what did not happen. I will never get those images out of my mind.’ Gloss says with his eyes closed. 

Ena doesn’t say a word while she walks towards Finnick and squeezes him in his shoulders. I can see the devastation in his eyes. I flinch when I try to reach for his hand but he accepts it immediately. 

‘I am so sorry Cashmere. I- If i hadn’t been such a coward this never would have happened.’

‘Finn, don’t. This is not your fault.’ Gloss tells him. 

‘Gloss is right Finnick, the Capitol did this, not you.’ Ena replies. 

‘But she is hurt because of me.’ Finnick tries. 

‘Really Finn? Did you burn her? Did you tie her up? Did you whip her until she almost passed out?’ Gloss says, anger in his voice. 

‘You did not do this Finn.’ I manage, my voice unsteady as my throat hurts. ‘Don’t feel guilty, it will tear you apart and that is exactly what I tried to avoid by trying to save your mom. Something like this would have happened eventually. If one Capitolite thinks about something like this they will act upon it and, believe me, there are enough who have dark fantasies like these.’ 

Finnick finally calms down a bit when the avox emerges from the bathroom. 

‘Let’s get you in a bath, sis. The sooner we get rid of these injuries the better.’ Gloss says as he lifts me up in his arms and carefully carries me to the bathroom. The water sizzles as he lowers me down in the tub and the soaring pain crashes through my body.

‘I am sorry, I know it hurts but it helps.’ He tells me as he strokes my hair. It only takes me a couple of seconds before my world goes dark and I finally pass out. 

  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere is dealing with the aftermath.

My back is a mix between painful and numb when I wake up and I can feel my skin itch at the places that were hurt last night. Gloss’ warm body is pressed against my back while his arm is folded around my upper arm which helps relieve the pain somewhat. The angry red marks on my wrists flash into my vision. They should be a lot less damaged after the bath last night but they are still aggressively red against the white color of my skin. If they are any indication of what happened last night then it must have been really bad. 

Gloss wakes up the minute I try to move. He must have been really worried if he decided to stay with me during the night. Most of the time we make sure to have at least some privacy while we are asleep, because some days it is the only alone time we get. 

‘He Cash.’ Gloss whispers while I feel his breath against my neck. His hand slowly brushes through my hair. 

‘He’ I reply softly, my voice still fragile from the abuse. 

‘How are you feeling?’ 

‘Like I have been hit by a truck.’ 

I hear Gloss chuckle softly. The vibrations in his chest feel funny against the wounds on my back. His warm muscles feel like a safe haven. He will not hurt me. Not really. 

‘Was it so bad you decided to stay with me?’ I ask him softly. 

‘You passed out in the bath and slept till now so, yes. I was scared to leave you alone. Finnick is still camped out on the couch. Ena and I tried to get him to sleep in his own bed but he wouldn’t.’ 

Finn’s stubbornness tells me he feels guilty and I will have a hard time to reverse that feeling. But it was worth it. I saved his mom, I saved him. I did the right thing. I am already broken, there is no saving me anymore. I don’t even think I deserve saving anyway. 

‘Don’t do that again Cash.’ Gloss whispers.

‘Don’t do what?’ 

‘Sacrifice yourself. You could have died if Helio hadn’t paced them.’ 

I snort. 

‘Tiberius would have never let me die. He would never let us out of this deal so easily and he would never sacrifice his very valuable assets.’ 

Gloss’ hand keeps moving through my hair, his fingers loosening all the tiny little knots that have formed in my long strands. He is searching for words, I can feel it, but he stays silent. I did kind of sacrifice myself but I did not know what I got myself into. Tiberius had been brutal to Gloss before but never so much to me. Maybe I had been naive. All my clients had gotten more violent and demanding, including Helio, so why would Tiberius be any different? 

‘Please Cash, I need you. Promise me you won’t do that again. I don’t think I can bear to see that,’ He says with emotion in his voice. 

My mind flashes back to the collar that Tiberius had put around his neck. The tear stains on his cheeks while watching me suffer. He was hurt by this as much as I was. Forced to whip me, knowing the pain of the whip. Forced to watch me basically give up on saving my dignity. 

‘How much of it did you see?’ I ask, avoiding his remark. 

‘Enough.’ He answers. 

‘I saw the collar Gloss. I know you had a hard time too. What did he do?’ I ask.

‘Nothing he hasn’t done before. Tiberius is a bastard, we both know that. But whatever he made those men do to you. Like you weren’t even human anymore. Like you were just an object to play with which they could throw away when they were bored. I -’ He hesitates for a moment. ‘I can’t even describe everything they did to you and I only saw an hour of the whole thing. By the time Tiberius was done with me you were already hanging there like a ragdoll. Not even reacting to their touch anymore, just going through the motions and trying to survive.’ 

I briefly close my eyes as I match his words to my own recollections of the event. Had I really given up? I suppose I did. Struggling seemed useless after a while. I just wanted to stop fighting, to make it all stop. But I can’t give up, can I? I had promised Gloss to save the real me but it still feels like a piece of Cashmere dies every time. Over and over again. I can handle the dates, I can even handle Helio and his possessive attitude. But I hate losing all control. Choosing to let Cashmere the Victor take over gives me some sort of power. But whenever she fails, I fail. Whenever she lets her mask slip, I die a little inside. 

Rosie tries to tell me that I don’t deserve all of this but my mind tells me otherwise. I murdered children. I trained and volunteered to murder children. That in itself makes me a bad person. Even a crazy person knows that. I am a murderer and a murderer deserves its punishment. Maybe this is mine. My burden to bear. My way to atone for my crimes. 

‘Cashmere, promise me, please.’ Gloss begs once more. 

Can I even promise him anything? Can I be sure that I will never have to do something like this again? I saved Finnick’s mom. I gave him a second chance. He would not make the same mistake, not after what had to happen to pay for his first. I silently wonder what this will do to him. Making mistakes in the arena could be a death sentence and our arena never stopped. The fight for survival is ever ongoing. The arena just as hostile and the mistakes just as deadly. He would never ever panic like this again, so I would not need to take the broken pieces and glue them back together. I doubt Finnick would let me, even if I wanted to. So maybe I can be sure. 

Maybe I have to be. 

I take a deep breath and I feel Gloss’ muscle tense in anticipation. 

‘I won’t do it again.’ I whisper as I feel Gloss’ lips on the familiar spot on top of my head. 

* * *

Despite the aching pain I feel all over my body I find a red envelope on our breakfast table. Gloss has one too and even Finnick’s is delivered to our apartment. Apparently, the abuse from yesterday does not earn me a day off. Finn still refuses to go home and the hurt look on his face never leaves. I deliberately avoid talking to him, not knowing what to say or able to deal with his never ending stream of apologies. 

When Finn has to leave to go on one of his appointments I feel like I can breathe again. I get why he acts this way but I just don’t want to talk about it right now. It feels like yesterday has forced an enormous wedge between us and I don’t have the energy to work it out. Gloss told him to give me some time but Finn is quite determined. Seeing his date as a relief on my part makes me sick, I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to use his suffering as a breather, but I can’t help it. 

I feel even more broken once I return from my date. Caius was tender and as nice as can be expected from a client, but I still feel hurt all over. It doesn’t help that Finnick is draped on our couch staring at me as soon as I enter through the door. 

‘Cashmere, we need to talk.’ 

I avoid his gaze while I drop my coat and make my way over to the kitchen. 

‘All I need is a shower and my bed. Nothing more.’ I bluntly tell him. 

‘Cash, please.’ 

But I don’t even listen to him anymore. I feel more lost than ever and I know Finn is the one who can help me with that, but I just can’t bring myself to face him. To see the sorrow in his eyes. So instead I ignore him completely and make my way to my room, slamming the door behind me. I hear Finn pounding on the door for quite some time, begging me to talk to him over and over until Gloss’ deep voice tells him to let it go. I almost hear Finnick sigh before he turns to leave. 

I keep ignoring Finnick for almost a week. I know it is unfair and I know we both suffer for it. He stops spending time on our couch and soon enough we don’t see him in our apartment at all. Gloss and Enobaria try to talk me out of my mood, telling me that we need each other, that we are better together. But I don't listen. I don’t even really understand why I am feeling this way. This feeling of worthlessness. Of being used. Being dirty. Why is it different than any other time and why do I take it out on Finn? He did nothing wrong. He panicked. It was my decision to try and save him and now I blame him for my choices. 

A day before Gloss and I go back to One I find Finnick crying on our couch when I return home. His shoulders are shaking and his eyes are puffy and red. He has been worn out more than all of us in the last two weeks and I am surprised he is still functioning. He has been extremely compliant after his slip up and I can feel his guilt about letting himself be used so easily. 

Now the tears are streaming down his face and my heart aches. He might have annoyed me, but he is still a broken boy who needs help. 

‘Finn?’ I ask softly. Afraid he might even have missed me coming in. 

When I don’t get any reaction I slowly make my way over to the couch. His hands are trembling and I see the fading imprints of fingers on his wrists. A stone drops in my stomach, he has already had a violent, or at least extremely forceful, client. And it is only his first trip. 

He takes a deep breath when I sink into the couch beside him. I don’t know if I can touch him right now so I decide not to. 

‘Finn, what happened?’ 

‘I have to stay.’ He says with a shaky breath. 

His words immediately swim around in my mind. What does that mean? He has to stay? Where? In this apartment? 

‘What?’ I ask him. 

‘I have to stay in the Capitol. Tiberius told me an hour ago. My list of clients keeps growing, he wants me to work for at least two more weeks before I can go back to Four. He will probably just keep me here till your next trip.’ He tells me and my heart drops. 

My instant reaction is refusal, although I know it is futile. Tiberius can’t make him. Finnick has a family, a life. He needs to go home. 

‘He can’t do that. We have to fix this.’ 

He lets out a sarcastic laugh. 

‘Really Cash? Remember the last time we tried to fix things? I am sorry but I am not going to let you do that again.’ He says firmly. 

I know he has made up his mind about this. He feels horrible but he knows the choice isn’t his to make. He will be alone, dealing with everything on his own without anyone to talk to. No one who knows how he feels, who can help him sort things out. I know I am lost without Gloss. Totally lost. I can’t even imagine what Finn feels right now. I promised myself to protect him, to help him. Gloss and I promised each other we would not leave Finnick to fend for his own. In a way I have already failed him. Leaving him to drown when he needed me most. Ignoring him because of my own selfish thoughts. I promised to take care of him and I didn’t.

‘I am so sorry. For everything.’ 

‘It’s fine.’ He tells me. 

‘No it is not fine. You asked for my help and I completely ignored you. Acted like you didn’t even exist. How is that in any way fine?’

He looks up to me for the first time before he answers. 

‘You saved me and my mom and paid by being gang raped by a bunch of assholes who have no regard for human life. You needed space, I see that now. I don't blame you for anything, I am just glad we are talking again.’ 

His eyes are soft and forgiving. I almost forget he only just turned sixteen and has had a lot to deal with over the last two years. The twinkle in his eyes is not lost, I hope it will never get lost, and I can see the broken boy being saved by his optimism. 

‘I can ask Tiberius to let me stay as well. I am sure he will be able to find enough clients to fill my days.’ 

I can see tears forming in Finn’s eyes. 

‘I don’t want to force you but I would be lying if I said I do not want that. I am just so freaking scared to be alone here. To have no one to talk to but the people that pay for me. But I will not ask you to stay. I don’t want to fuck up your life’ 

‘My life is already fucked up, Finn.’ I chuckle. ‘You will drown on your own and I will not let that happen. Gloss will understand, he will find a way to tell our family. You need me right now.’ 

‘Thank you, Cash.’ He says while his hand closes around mine. I can only nod as a reply. 

Tiberius is beyond happy when I ask him if I can stay too. I could hear the annoyance in his voice when I called him, probably thinking I would be trying to change Finnick’s faith again, but it changed fairly quickly when I told him I wanted to stay. I am sure Tiberius also likes the idea of Gloss and me being seperated. He probably thinks we are too close and having us apart for a couple of weeks might play into his game. 

Offering to stay made me wonder if I could ask for a favor and noting Tiberius’ enthusiasm I decided to give it a try. I bluntly asked for the possibility to call home while I stayed in the Capitol. To be able to call Gloss and keep him updated. Maybe he could even arrange for Rosie to be there when we call. I know I am going to miss them like hell but I also know they will survive without me, while Finn probably won’t. Tiberius reluctantly agrees with my request, knowing that it will keep both me and Gloss somewhat in line. 

It is an understatement to say that Gloss isn’t happy about me staying in the Capitol. He uses a lot of swear words and two dinner plates don’t survive being thrown at the wall. He understands my reasoning but I can sense he is afraid of what will happen without him here to protect me. He can’t change my mind though and he knows that. He did everything he could to make sure we were in the Capitol for Finn’s birthday, now I will play my part to make sure he isn’t alone. 

Gloss’s face is the centerpiece of my dreams that night. His broad shoulders and warm chest never leave and my body aches at the thought of missing him. Every time my dreams get to the moment we have to tell each other goodbye, I wake up shaking. At five in the morning I give up on sleep and move over to the couch, staring at the television without really seeing anything. A steaming cup of hot chocolate soothes the dreadful feeling in my body but I can still feel the tears streaming down my face every few minutes. Gloss wanders into the room an hour later, looking evenly awful and sporting large bags under his eyes. Without a word he drops beside me on the couch and I snuggle into his arms. 

We dance around each other for the day, not really talking but always close to each other. Gloss receives his signature last day envelope and I get one bearing Helio’s name. We both know the hours we have left together are limited but neither of us wants to acknowledge it by saying it out loud. 

My tears start to form again when the red light in our apartment turns on and Gloss has to leave to meet Tiberius. I can sense he does not want to leave me here and I dread the moment the door closes. He will have to deal with the aftermath of Tiberius on his own and he has to explain to our family why we are not returning together. 

His shaking arms fold around my shoulders while his tears fall on my head. 

‘Stay safe sis. Remember what you are fighting for.’ 

‘I will.’ 

‘Call me as often as you can, I will make sure you get to speak to Rosie. And I will squeeze Vic in a hug so tight he will know it comes from you.’

‘Tell them I love them more than anything and I would do anything to be able to be in two places at once.’

He kisses the top of my head once more before the red light begins to blink more rapidly indicating Gloss is running late. His shoulders sack when he turns around and without looking back he steps through the door. I feel my knees turn to jelly when the door shuts behind him and I crash to the ground like a bag of flour. 

_ You will be fine Cash. Finn is here and you will figure it out together.  _

  
  
  
  
  



	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere is in a dark spot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I am determined to upload once a week to give myself some time to write, but I have a week off from work so I am writing a lot. So I decided to post another chapter this week. 
> 
> This is by far the hardest chapter I've written so far, even though it is quite short. Cashmere is in a dark place and can't see a way out. It will get better though.

_ Dear Rosie,  _

_ I know you will probably never get to read this letter but I will write it anyway. It has been four weeks since Gloss left and they have kept me quite busy in the meantime. Finnick and I hardly get a chance to spend time together, it is like Tiberius deliberately plans for one of us to be free while the other works. Finnick has taken over Gloss’ room so we both don’t feel alone and it feels nice to be able to have someone around. We both need it I guess.  _

_ Finnick is trying his best but he is really struggling. He misses Mags and his parents and he has a hard time dealing with the chaos in his head. He tells me he wants to fight back but he is too scared to do so. He is afraid someone will get hurt again and I think he still feels guilty although I tell him not to. I am really worried about him. The twinkle in his eyes is fading and I am afraid he is losing his sparkle. He is becoming this fake version of himself that everyone here seems to like, but the real Finnick is drowning. And I have no idea how to help him.  _

_ I feel the change in myself too. Cashmere the Victor is taking up more and more space and I am afraid of breaking my promise to Gloss. I really, really want to save the real me but I am running out of options to do so. Being here under the watchful eye of Tiberius has a really bad influence on my nerves. I am afraid to step out of our door. What if I do something that angers him? What if I do something to get you and Gloss into trouble? What if I do something that will end Vic’s life? I could never forgive myself if something like that happens. So instead I feel like I am building a stone wall around myself. A wall which only a handful of people can break through.  _

_ Maybe Cashmere the Victor has a point. My own sentimental and weak mind is not able to handle all of this. It has no place in this world and the only thing it does is making me vulnerable. Why do I preserve the one thing that can break me down? What if I turn out to be more like Cashmere the Victor? Would that be bad? Would it be bad if I want to be her more? It feels selfish to want her protection but it is hard to survive in any other way. With her I can make it through the day without feeling awful. Without feeling worthless. Would it be bad to want that?  _

_ I think I just need some sort of peace. Room to breathe. To think about who I am and what I stand for. I feel like a ragdoll being thrown around and used for everybody’s amusement. _

_ There are parties in abundance and both Finnick and I have to attend a lot of them. They are in some way a relief. Finnick and I get to spend some time together at the parties and there is enough alcohol to numb everything that follows after. I know what you think, not wanting me to fall for the temptations and get too attached to the relief it supplies, but I need it Rosie. I need to numb the pain. I need to be able to spend a night not worrying about everything.  _

_ I miss the fresh air. The sound of the water hitting the lakeshore. I miss the smell of the wonderful food you make. The sound of Vic’s squirms. The small signs of love we show each other. I miss my home, my safe space, my shelter. Being away makes me realize how much I love being at home.  _

_ Not having Gloss around is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Ever since my games we have been together almost constantly. He is my rock, Rosie. He is my oxygen, my reason for breathing. Calling him barely satisfies the need to be with him. I hate being limited in the contact we have. Tiberius has been very strict and has let the calls go through only when he thought I deserved it. I still don’t know which behavior he finds deserving because it is quite random when he lets my calls go through. Being able to talk to Gloss on a bugged line for five minutes is almost more painful than soothing for the both of us.  _

_ How is he Rosie? I am worried about him too. Does he talk to you? Does he tell you how he feels? Or is he turning you away again? Locking himself away in his house, battling his demons all by himself. He is hurting Rosie. He is hurting badly and I don’t know how to help him.  _

_ I am starting to realize I worry more for Finn and Gloss than for myself. I don’t care if I crumble, I already lost my dignity, I have not much left to lose. I chose to be in the games. But I care for them, they did not have a choice. They are far more important to me. They deserve to be happy. They deserve to be appreciated for the wonderful guys they are. I want them to be happy. I want them to smile. I want to see the twinkle in Finn’s eyes. To see the smirk on Gloss’ face.  _

_ Gloss told me to always remember what I am fighting for and I think I am fighting for them. But even that seems unsure sometimes.  _

_ What do you see when you think about the future, Rosie? Do you see a long and happy life with Fibre? Do you see brothers and sisters for Vic? Do you see some wonderful nieces and nephews? Lux and Mia having a family? Do you see mom and dad? Growing old, sitting together on the porch of their house. Do you see Silver finding the love of his life, whatever that may be? Do you see Gloss? Do you see me? Because I don’t. I don’t see it anymore. All I see is darkness.  _

_ I see a never ending fight. A world in which I will never be free. In which I will never be able to leave the games behind. I see a life of sorrow because of one stupid choice. One choice that seemed the right one at the time. What the hell was I thinking? Why didn’t I see what the games really are? If only I had looked at Gloss a little closer instead of letting my jealous teenage brain take over. He tried, Rosie. He tried so freaking hard to save me. And all I did was ignore and hurt him. How could I be so stupid? So impossibly blind?  _

_ I start to think I deserve this. I killed them Rosie. I killed all of them. Rover with his leg being cut off completely. Purse with my knife lodged in his chest. Lima’s slit throat amongst the various cuts all over her body. Lara with the hope of going home in her eyes and a knife in her neck. God I can’t even really remember what killed Jack and Elisa. I just know I ran up to them and they were dead when I was done. I didn’t even care that they were human. They were just children Rosie. Elisa was only 12 and I didn’t even blink. What kind of a monster does that? What kind of monster is not in any way moved by seeing the life drain out of a child’s eyes?  _

_ I am that kind of monster. The kind who deserves to be punished for what she did. The kind that deserves to be used. To be humiliated. I truly start to believe I deserve this Rosie. I chose this freaking life. I chose to kill children. You tell me I was forced. Gloss tells me I would have ended up in the games eventually but I made the choice. I decided to call out and sign up to stick my knife in a girl's neck. I did that. It was my hand that held that knife. It was my feet that ran towards a 12 year old to kill her. It was all me. No one had anything to do with that. I did it myself and I will never be able to forgive myself for that.  _

_ Will anyone ever be able to love me again Rosie? Who can ever love me if I can’t even love myself. I will always see the blood on my hands. I will always smell the scent of the capitol on my skin. And even if someone is able to love me how can I love them back? How can I put the weight of the capitol on their shoulders? How can I care for them enough without being afraid to be responsible for their death? We will never be able to walk around hand in hand. To kiss in public. To be proud of each other.  _

_ We will never be able to get married. We will never be able to have a family. There will never be a little Cashmere running around. No big bulging bellies for me. No kicks or morning sickness. No sleepless nights of anticipation. No signs of ultimate love from a helpless little being. No counting fingers and toes. I will never see them roll over and crawl. I will never witness their first steps or celebrate their birthdays. The girl's long hair will never be braided by me. The boy and I will never wrestle. And they will never feel the pressure of the Capitol.  _

_ My life is so different than I dreamed. I always saw myself as a wife and mother. As someone who would do anything for her children. Who would be loved fiercely by a strong and beautiful man and who would return his love in admiration and passion. The horrors of Panem would be blinded by our undying love and our big family would function as a beating heart. But what is left of that dream? The horrors will never leave. I will never be loved by anyone anymore and I will never bring children into the life I am living. I could never have a baby, knowing he or she will be destined to find their way into the games. If they manage to win and possess my genes I know what awaits them and I will not raise them to be prostitutes.  _

_ I know you all want me to stay strong. But you and Gloss are the only ones who know how hard that really is. You know what is asked of us. You know how glorious or inglorious our life really is. Not being able to share my struggles with all of you is hard. Sometimes I want to tell the whole world about Tiberius and Snow. About the lives of their victors. Of the devastation that is the games. But then everyone would know about what we do. About me spreading my legs for every guy that comes along. About Gloss being fucked by men who long for power. About Gloss and I together, sharing something brother and sister are never meant to share. And I am not sure if I want to share all of that. If I want to be marked as a filthy whore even though that is exactly what I am.  _

_ The only light in my day is seeing Finnick smile and counting the days till Gloss and Enobaria will come back to the Capitol. I am not exactly sure when they will be back but knowing it can’t be more than a few weeks warms my heart a little. Finnick and I try to make each other smile a lot. We talk about silly things just to keep smiling. We discuss which fish are the easiest to catch, which color of dress I like the most and which capital tv show we hate the least. Spending all of our free time together, although we don’t have that much, helps us both.  _

_ I never talk about my clients or their wishes but Finnick is different. He needs to get everything off his chest at the end of the day. He almost always tells me who he was with and some of the names are very familiar. I recognize most of the females from Gloss’ cards and some of the guys have been on my own. Most of them are still very tender with Finnick but some of the men have already started showing force. He has turned up with bruises on his wrists and thighs but he never complains about pain. I have turned up with a lot of bruises myself. The bruises on my arms and legs are easy to hide but the ones on my neck are painful. Finnick always wants to help to cover them in the thick cream Melia gave me but they still hurt a lot.  _

_ Helio is the one who seems to enjoy hurting me the most. He constantly tells me he loves me, but he also likes to wrap his hands around my throat. He wants me to be his beauty, but he leaves me with bruises every time we meet. I don’t want to fight him but my body tells me differently when he cuts off my air supply. I can’t keep still when I am fighting for oxygen and maybe that is why Helio likes it so much. Because of my struggle. He almost always ties me up in some way to make my struggles even harder. I try not to think about everything he could do to me when he gets bored with what he is doing now. I think i don’t want to know.  _

_ All the stories about home is another reason why I am really looking forward to Gloss’ return. I am dying to know how big Vic has grown. Has he started walking? I know his first birthday is coming up and the hope I can celebrate it with all of you is fading. That boy is my lifeline. Thoughts of him keep me grounded. My heart aches to miss so much of the first year of his life. I hope I can make up for it sometime.  _

_ Don’t worry Rosie. I know you can’t help me with any of this but your listening ear has always been helpful. Both Gloss and Finnick and even Enobaria might be able to do more to make things better but talking to someone outside of our little golden cage sure has its worth. I know I will not send you this, the consequences if this would be read by the wrong person too horrible to risk, but maybe I will let you read it once I return home.  _

_ I would love to be able to talk to you. To hold a sleeping Vic and just talk. It sounds so damn simple. I wish it was as simple as it looks. But we both know it isn’t.  _

_ Just let me tell you once again how much you all mean to me. You are the reason I am trying to stay strong. I don’t know if I would be able to keep going if it weren’t for you.  _

_ I hope to see you soon. _

_ I love you so, so much.  _

_ Love, Cashmere _


	23. Chapter 23

‘CASHMERE?’ I hear a familiar voice scream and my heart stops beating instantly. 

I am sitting on my bed in our apartment, covered in a blanket with my knees against my chest. Finnick has been working all day and I only saw him briefly this morning. My own schedule is unusually empty today and I am counting my blessings having this rare day off. The bruises on my thighs tell me I have had a busy week and they will surely heal better if they are not aggravated again. I decided to spend my morning in bed with one of Finnick’s poetry books but the sudden voice has me jumping up immediately. 

‘GLOSS?’ I scream back through my door, hoping it is really him that I recognized. Before I get the chance to pick myself up from the bed I see the door to my room swing open. 

He is here. 

He is really here. 

The big eyes belonging to my older brother stare at me from the doorframe. He is still wearing his jacket and he is breathing like he has just run up the stairs. Which he probably has when I think about it. His blonde hair is all over the place and I have never seen a bigger smile on his face. 

‘Please tell me I am not dreaming.’ I beg him while I throw away the book and the blanket. 

‘Why don't you come and give me a hug to find out.’ He teases and he doesn’t have to tell me twice. I jump up and run into his arms. He holds me tightly against his chest and I can feel his heart beating loudly. His breathing is uneven and I can sense he is holding back tears.

‘Oh my god, you are real. You are really here.’ I whisper into his chest. 

Gloss stays silent. His hands slowly caress my back and his mouth gives a continuous stream of kisses on top of my head. I don’t want to let him go. I will never let him go again. 

‘I missed you so much.’ I tell him. 

‘I know sis. We missed you too. I can’t even describe the look on Rosie’s face when I stepped off the train alone. I swear she got a heart attack.’

‘What did you tell them?’ 

‘I told them Finnick had some more duties to fulfil and you would not want to leave him alone so you decided to stay until he was able to go home. They all bought it, they know how close you got with the boy.’ He tells me. 

When I pull away and look into his eyes I see the whole story. I am sure he told Rosie the truth but he can’t say that out loud in here. Not with the capitol listening. 

‘How are they? I ask him.

‘They are fine Cash. We all missed you terribly and Vic is pulling himself up on everything. Rosie says he is ready to walk in a few weeks time. I tried to assure mom and dad you were fine, but I don't know if they believed me.’

‘So you did not shut yourself out this time?’

He chuckles softly. 

‘No, Rosie would not let me. I stayed at their place most of the time, seeing to Vic’s basic needs helps a lot to pass the time and I am sure you know that being around Rosie can be very refreshing.’ 

I see a sparkle in his eyes and I can feel he talked to Rosie a lot. I feel a strange pang of relief to know he talked about everything that is bothering him. That he wasn’t as stubborn this time around and even if he had been, Rosie would not have let him. He is doing okay. Especially now we are together again. 

‘How are you holding up sis? How is Finnick?’

I sigh heavily when I think about it. Both of us have struggled immensely the last couple of weeks and I don’t really know what to tell him. 

‘Honestly. Not great. Finnick camped out in your room so we were always close but he has been working most of the time. He is keeping a brave face but he is so freaking tired. He needs some time away from this place. He needs to see his family and the sea. He needs to be himself again. I am worried he is losing himself and becoming more and more like the Finnick he needs to be here. And I don’t blame him. I really don’t but I am so afraid of losing the boy he really is.’ I tell him. 

‘Well it is a good thing he is still talking and not isolating himself like I did. But if he is as bad as you tell me it is a good thing I am here to lighten the load. Maybe I can talk to him.’ He suggests.

‘I tried Gloss. I try to talk to him every day. I try to make him laugh, I try to save him. But every day he seems to be farther away.’ 

‘I know you do everything you can, Cash. But let me try. Maybe talking to the only other male in this household will do something.’ 

I nod slowly. Trying wouldn’t hurt. 

And it doesn’t. Finnick seems to feel better with Gloss’ arrival. He moves into his own apartment again to give Gloss his room back but he is still on our couch whenever he has the chance. Being able to talk to Gloss about his feelings seems to help him. I know it is not my fault that he needs Gloss. He can talk to me and I understand in a way but Gloss is the only one who really understands what he feels like. Who understands what it feels like to be a male victor in this golden cage. 

Ena joins us shortly after Gloss and she, surprisingly, is able to help  _ me _ back on my feet. Her arrival gives me some much wanted distraction and makes the fight between the two parts of me fade to the background. Both Finnick and I get some well deserved rest as Gloss and Enobaria are here to share in our load of clients. I hate to see them return from their dates, especially when they have been rough, but I can’t help feeling extremely relieved to have some rest. Finnick gets his first day off in weeks and I can see him glowing at being able to sit on the couch doing nothing. It is the small things that make us happy right now. 

Seeing Finnick truly relax is a sight to see. His always tense muscles are unusualy relaxt and his mouth is half open when I find him asleep on our couch. It looks like he finally managed to sleep without nightmares and I do not want to wake him. I tip toe towards my own room to take a shower, hoping he will stay asleep for a little longer. 

He is just waking up when I return and the drowsiness in his eyes is almost adorable. 

‘Hi handsome.’ I tell him as I place a cup of steaming hot tea in front of him and settle myself beside him on the couch. 

‘Hi Cash.’ His smile is enlightening. I finally get the feeling he has not lost his sparkle and the true Finnick is still in there. He might be far away, but he is still in there. 

‘It’s good to see you smile.’ 

Finnick gives a snort. 

‘I smile all the time. Sometimes it feels like the edges of my mouth are set in stone.’ 

‘You know what I mean Finn. You never really smile when you are pretending. Just lifting the corners of your mouth isn’t enough.’ 

He stays silent after that, staring at the cup of tea in his hands. He fumbles his legs against his chest and carefully places his hands around his knees. 

‘Do you ever think there will be a life after this?’

I knew Finnick was asking himself the same question that I ask myself. But hearing him say it is different. Will we ever be allowed to live a normal life? Will we ever be allowed to settle down? To sleep without nightmares? To not have an escape-bag ready at all times?

‘I don’t know. I hope so.’ I tell him. 

He sighs heavily. 

‘I just can’t stop feeling the hands. I can’t stop feeling dirty. I feel them when I am alone in my bed. I feel them in the shower. I don’t know if I can ever not feel them.’

‘I know.’ 

‘It is so weird to think that I did not even know what sex was a couple of months ago. Kissing a girl was all I knew and now I know how to please man and woman in more ways than I can count. Me on top, them on top. Held down, tied up. One person or two. Drunk, drugged and, unfortunately, sober. I know everything my teenage brain could wish for and I wish I didn’t know any of it.’ He tells me. 

I expect his eyes to be glazed over when he tells me all of this but they are as clear as day. He is with me in body and mind and I can’t help feel terrified at the thoughts in his young brain. His body may be sixteen, but his mind has more knowledge than some old people. I guess all of us victors know things we never wanted to know. I sure could have gone without the knowledge that stabbing someone in his carotid artery in his neck is pretty lethal. Or that a machete can pretty decently cut someone’s leg off. 

‘We can at least hope it will get better some day. That there will be a day we will become too old to be desirable and we can live our own lives and give up these apartments.’ I say. 

He laughs. 

‘Our bright future in which we will always be the ones to send children to their deaths for the entertainment of the very people we fuck. How lovely that will be.’ 

I want to warn him not to say that. To be aware of who might be listening and to be careful about wanting this all to end but I can’t make myself. I can’t pretend he isn’t right because he is. Every word that spills from his mouth is the truth. Even if I stop being a prostitute, I will always be a victor and a mentor. The next couple of years in the Capitol will keep me in the public eye and I will always be depended upon to show up at the games. The one thing that made me oh-so-famous. The thing that made me a murderer. 

Living with Finnick the last month has told me one thing. As much as he talks about his clients he doesn’t talk about his games at all. It is like his games never happened and he just showed up here to work. I know for a fact that he has nightmares. He told me before all of this started and I have heard him screaming through the walls more than once. It is like he has borrowed my stack of bricks and he is building his own wall in regards to his memories from the games. 

Gloss talked to me once about constantly being asked about his kills. About how it feels to drive a knife in to someone or slay someone's head clean off with a sword. It is strange to realize that Gloss, and probably Finnick, get asked about that a lot more than Ena and me. Just like Melia said once, for us it is all about beauty instead of the way we got here. 

‘We still have to try though’ I say.

‘Try what?’

‘To hope for something better. To believe in a world in which we can be free from all of this. We have to. Because otherwise it will be even worse to pretend we have a life at all.’ 

He sighs heavily but I sense the understanding. He knows he can’t let them win. He can’t let Snow destroy his life even more. 

\----------

After one more week of work all of us get the notice we will return home. Finnick looks relieved beyond belief, remembering the seabreeze as soon as he gets the message, and I myself am happy to see my family again. Vic has probably grown more that I can imagine and having missed his first birthday still pains me. Finnick will leave first, a day later our train will leave and Ena will stay two more days after that but all of us will be safe at home by the end of the week.

The day before Finn will go home I get an envelope bearing Tiberius’s name. I expect to find his name on Gloss's card as well but it is strangely absent. 

When the light in our apartment starts blinking I make my way down into the waiting car. I try to follow where we are going, trying to notice if I will be going to his house or the place of my nightmares like last time but halfway there I am lost in the mace that is the Capitol. All I can do now is wait. When I arrive I realize we are at his apartment where he forced Gloss and me together for the first time and an instant fear creeps over me. What will happen this time? 

I silently make my way upstairs while my mind shows me images of a kneeling and bleeding Gloss. If he steps into this apartment he is a real slave. Being forced to call Tiberius his master, his  _ dominus.  _ Gloss experiences his greatest horrors in this house and I am almost certain I will experience some of my own. . 

Tiberius is once again grinning at me when he opens the door. He is wearing a pair of jeans and a form fitting black shirt. His whip is hanging from his belt and I know for sure he will not hesitate to use it. 

‘Princess, good to see you again. Come in.’ He tells me as I frantically try to call Cashmere the Victor. His hands drag me into his apartment and don’t hesitate to find the zipper of my dress. He lowers the thin fabric thing to the ground while his fingers trail on my back. I gasp lightly as his finger traces the underside of my breast. 

‘You must be wondering why you are here. I told you I never buy you or Enobaria but that does not mean I don’t know how to handle women.’ 

I stiffen up as he lowers his head and slowly suckles on my nipple with his mouth. His tongue traces the outline of my areola and the sweet sensation tickles in my lower belly. The feeling is confusing. I am used to being groped and finding nail marks around my breasts, but never this. Never this warm and hot sensation that tickles my core. What is wrong with me?

A short knock on the door wakes me up from my thoughts. A sudden cold rushes across my skin. Who is knocking right now and why? Tiberius let’s go of my nipple with a loud plop and replaces his mouth with his fingers. 

‘I guess our special guest has arrived.’ Tiberius tells me with a flashing twinkle in his eyes. His fingers pinch my nipple and twist it slightly which makes them stand up straight for him to see. 

‘He has a lesson to learn. He has to understand that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. He needs to feel the reasons why he needs to behave.’ 

My stomach turns instantly when I realise who he is talking about. Finnick. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger when his intentions sink in. When he opens the door I look over my shoulder and see Finnick right away. He looks relaxed, not at all aware of the horrors that usually take place in this apartment. His eyes scan Tiberius and his whip before he let’s them wander to room. I am frozen in place which makes it harder for Finnick to notice me but he still does right away. If he feels anything about me being here, half naked, he doesn’t show it. 

‘Finnick, how nice of you to join us.’ Tiberius coos. 

I try to tell Finnick a thousand stories with just my eyes but he is trying to avoid me as much as he can. Maybe he doesn’t want my warnings. Maybe he wants to create something between us to protect our friendship knowing in his gut what this meeting will entail. Maybe looking at me will make it harder for him to protect himself. 

I feel Tiberius’s body pressed against my back, his hands firmly cupping my breasts. His shoulders nudge me to turn around so Finnick and I are face to face. I let him, not even able to fight. 

‘Look at her Finnick. Look at how beautiful she is. Don’t you want to touch her? To kiss her? To fuck her till she bleeds?’ 

One of his hands pinches my nipple in the same sensual way as before while his other hand trails into my panties, slowly rubbing against me. I gasp slightly and close my eyes, partly because of a rush of unwanted pleasure and partly out of shame. Why is he doing this? And more importantly, why does my body send me all these confusing signals? 

“I- I don’t know.’ Finnick stammers. 

Tiberius laughs loudly into my ear.

‘Finnick she is just a whore. She is used to being fucked. You can take her. She will let you if I tell her to.’ 

My mind wants to protest but all my arguments somehow stay inside my brain. Like it knows we will both be worse if I say anything. 

‘She’s my friend. I don’t want to hurt her.’ Finnick tries once more. 

‘Oh my dear Finnick, Gloss being her brother didn’t stop me in getting what I want so your friendship means nothing to me. She knows her place, do you?’ 

Finnick’s eyes grow big in the revelation that Gloss and I have been together and a new rush of shame washes over me. We never talk about it and it didn’t seem necessary to mention it. But now he knows. Now he knows how far we have gone on this road to destruction. 

‘Finnick -’ I stumble. “It is okay. Just do what he wants.’ 

I want to say so much more but it feels too intimate right now. Like I am not able to tell him all the things he needs to know before we do this. He stumbles towards me and I can hear Tiberius chuckle on my shoulder. He is still rubbing hard against me and I feel the tension in my body rise. 

‘What do you want me to do?’ Finn asks softly, still not sure about what is expected of him.

‘I want you to know your place. To follow orders here and at home. No missteps, no mistakes and no more talks of treason.’ 

Tiberius’ hand suddenly disappears and I can do nothing but pant heavily. His words click in my brain. He heard our conversation, he knows what we talked about and he is holding it against us. 

‘See this as a warning. Next time I will use my true power. Now get out of your clothes and do her. Make her squirm like she never has before. I don’t care how you do it, but you will.’

I see Finnick’s hands move to the underside of his shirt, slowly lifting it to reveal his well toned body. When he drops his shirt on the ground his pants quickly follow. He looks quite embarrassed when his member shows an excitement that is not matching with the look in his eyes. I know he can’t help it but I also get why he feels embarrassed about it. He doesn’t feel excited to fuck me, but his teenage body can’t help it. 

When he looks into my eyes I see a disturbing emptiness. He either doesn't let himself feel at all right now or he tries to hide what he feels from me. He grabs my hand lightly and I feel his fingers trace a path towards my shoulder. The tickling feeling his fingers leave behind makes me gasp for air. When both his hands meet each other in cupping my face I feel the tension rise. He hesitates for a moment before he tilts his head slightly and kisses me. 

My mouth opens as a reflex and he slowly starts to discover me. He is gentle and I know in an instant that he will do everything in his power to make this bearable for the both of us. As I feel his tongue dance around I join in. I slowly trace his back with my fingertips, brushing lightly over his ass. My hands find their way to the band of his underwear and softly trace the outline of his growing member. I try to remind myself we have done this before. We have seen each other naked, we have had sex. The only difference is Tiberius’s watchful eye. 

When Finnick’s mouth leaves mine he grabs my hand and drags me to the dining table in the middle of the room. His hands find my ass and I feel him slowly lift me up till I find myself sitting on the edge off the table, legs spread and with my feet dangling a little bit above the ground. His hands grab the sides of my underwear and with my help he slowly pulls them off my body. He sucks at my neck and I have to grab the edge of the table to steady myself. Saliva forms a pathway of kisses from my neck to my nipples and further down to my belly button. I can’t help but moan when his tongue flicks over the tiny bundle of nerves between my legs. The wave of pleasure hits me like a tsunami. 

I feel a tinge of sadness when I realize what Finnick was forced to learn the last couple of weeks. But the feeling leaves as soon as another jolt of pleasure hits me when his fingers enter me. One of my hands grabs his hair and I feel my back arch at his touch. 

‘Oh my god, Finn.’ I moan loudly and I can feel him chuckle softly between my legs. 

My legs start to contract a little and I feel the edge getting closer and closer. I start to throw my head backwards when Finnick suddenly stops. He almost makes me mad for stopping now but when he comes up grinning widely I know he has done this on purpose. He frees his erection from the restrains of his underwear and grabs both my hips firmly. Before I can even breath I feel the tip of his cock against my entrance. He doesn’t push in right away but looks at me for permission. We both know there is no choice but he still wants to know if it is okay. 

I nod at him and gasp when he pushes in. 

The road to my orgasm travels at the speed of light and before I know it I am dancing on the edge again. I moan loudly and I feel a trembling sensation starting in my toes making its way up my body. I cling to Finnick’s broad shoulders that remind me a lot of Gloss’s. Finnick is close as well as I feel him speeding up inside of me. 

‘Come with me.’ He whispers in my ear and I am happy to oblige. 

When Finnick’s cock twitches inside me I throw my head back and scream out in ecstasy. The stars dance around my head and I feel slightly dizzy. Finnick may be young but he knows what to do with a woman. I can’t help but chuckle softly into Finnick’s shoulder, our body’s still closely pressed together and panting heavily. 

‘My god Finn, that was amazing.’ I tell him and I see a light twinkle in his eyes. Knowing we both enjoyed it sure helps in accepting what we were forced to do. 

‘I couldn’t agree more, Cashmere, that was surely something. I have heard great stories about you Finnick, and they seem to be true.’ Tiberius says, watching us from the corner of the room holding his cock in his hand. ‘Next time we have to film it! The chemistry you two have will look beautiful on film. We could make you accessible for all those people who can not afford a private audience with the two of you.’

I am pretty sure Tiberius is looking for our reaction but the both of us stay silent. Not showing any emotion at his revelation, still tangled in each other. If he wants to film, let him film. I am already a whore, being on camera will only prove my point. 

Tiberius’s demeanor suddenly chances. His eyes turn dark and I see him grab a bottle of lube out of the corner of my eye. 

‘Finnick, I want to fuck you while Cashmere sucks your cock.’ He blunts out while sitting down on the couch, smearing lube onto his member. 

Finnick’s shoulder hunch slightly at the thought but he doesn’t complain. He let’s go of my body and I see him straighten up again to walk towards Tiberius. His hand searches for mine behind his back and I gladly take it. I can’t help but admire the way he poses himself. So confident. So grown up. And he is only doing this for a couple of weeks. 

His face only shows a brief notion of pain before it turns to static again when he lowers himself on Tiberius’ lap. A pair of dangerous claws scoop around his body. One clutching his chest the other one holding his lower belly firmly in place. Tiberius forces Finnick’s head back against his shoulder, switching the position of one of his claws to Finnick’s throat. A new wave of cold rushes over me when I see Tiberius pick up the pace. Finnick starts to whimper and I can feel his pain in the hand he is still holding. He is suffering and Tiberius is looking at me for a reaction. 

‘Come on, princess. You know what to do.’ Tiberius says with a wide grin. 

I have to swallow my vomit back down in order to follow orders. He really wants me to do _that_ to Finn right now. Right now, when he has his eyes closed to manage the pain in his lower body. 

Sighing heavily I gently put my hand on Finnick’s thigh to let him now I am close. My finger slowly traces a path towards him and I gently lick my hand to make this better for him. He made sure I enjoyed what he was forced to do, now I want to return the favor. While my hand grabs his cock I slowly redo the path I just made with my mouth. The kisses line the inside of his wide spread thighs and as soon as I move my mouth to my target I can feel Finnick relax a little. The muscles in his legs are a little bit less tense and I feel the hold on my hand get a little less crunching. 

For once I want to do this. I want him to feel good. I want to help him to deal with the pain. So I try to do the best I can using every trick I know. Soon Finnick starts moaning loudly and I know he is feeling enough pleasure to slightly numb the pain. 

‘Wait for me Finn. I forbid you to come.’ Tiberius whispers in his ear just loud enough for me to pick it up as well. 

And he tries. He tries to obey with all his might. I try to go easy on him to help him but I also have to show Tiberius I am still doing my job. Luckily for the both of us Tiberius is running to his own edge. His grunts get heavy and his thrusts are brutal. He screams loudly and when he comes he moves his hand to pinch Finnick’s nipples, starting Finn’s orgasm at once.

Finnick shakes heavily while Tiberius holds him in place. My stomach turns once again when I realize how helpless and small he looks. His eyes still closed, his body restrained by the claws of one of the biggest monsters in the capitol. I gently hold his hand and thigh to try and calm him down and when he softly squeezes my hand I am relieved. He is hurting but he is still with me. And he is going home, thank god he is finally going home. 


	24. Chapter 24

Finnick and I don’t really get time to talk to each other about what happened but the short amount of time we have is enough to know we are good. We hug long and hard before he leaves to catch his train to Four and I am beyond happy to see him leave. He needs to get home. To see his family and sniff up the calming scent of the sea. One more day, one more client for both Gloss and me and we will be going home too. 

Gloss gets Tiberius as his last client of the trip, as always, and I get a meeting with Helio. Helio is demanding, violent and dominating but following his orders without too much struggling helps me survive his wishes. Knowing that the train is waiting for us to bring us home makes shutting my feelings out a lot easier. 

Both Gloss and I carry the bruises of our encounter when we meet each other on the train. Gloss is sporting red rope marks and a collection of red lashes on his back. Luckily he doesn't have the same bruising as the last time. I sigh heavily when I notice another pair of finger shaped bruises around my neck accompanied by some extensive bruising on my ass. I can only hope that a mixture of Melia’s miracle cream and enough make-up covers them enough. 

My excitement builds when I start to see the outskirts of our district. It has been over two months since I last saw it and I can’t help but feel a weird mixture of emotions. I am utterly excited to see everyone again, to cuddle them all and just be at peace. But I am also scared. What will Rosie say? What did she think when I didn’t return last time? I am also quite scared of everything that I have missed since I was gone. 

As we exit the train station I notice my little nephew at once. He is wobbling on his stumpy legs but he is walking. His smile is one of the brightest things I have ever seen and when I scoop him up it is like I never left. He starts playing with my hair immediately while his content chuckles warm my heart. 

‘He little buddy, you’ve grown so much! Mommy and daddy have been feeding you the good stuff.’ I tell him. 

‘Well, he is a very spoiled little boy with so many uncles and aunts to make sure he does everything but starve.’ Rosie says as she walks my way. Her eyes are glowing and I feel her arms fold around Vic and me in a tight hug. 

‘I am so glad you are home. You had me worried sick.’ Rosie whispers in my ear. 

‘I am fine. Glad to be back.’ I reply. 

She keeps holding me tightly for a few minutes, slowly inhaling my scent, only letting go when Vic starts to cry. I take in my surroundings when we silently walk towards Victor’s village. District One hasn’t changed a bit. The seasons have changed and a new flock of Peacekeepers has been installed but that is all that happened. My eyes fly over the Capitol house near the justice building, the house which Helio called his two years ago. 

Next to the house is the training academy Gloss and I used to attend. The fields around the building are littered with teenagers. Some are running laps, others are throwing spears and shooting arrows. I imagine each and every one of them in the Games. Their faces bloodied, limbs missing, lives destroyed no matter which outcome. Knowing that some of those kids want to be in the games sends shivers down my spine. They have no idea what they are in for. They have no clue about a victor’s life, especially for those with the beautiful eyes and long flowing locks. Which unfortunately many people in One possess. 

Breathing in the scent of my own home calms me immediately. Everything is just the way I left it. My chairs are still sprawled out around the kitchen table. My books are gathering dust on the shelves. It almost feels weird to return to this place. Cashmere the Victor has been at the forefront for almost two months, letting her go completely is hard. 

It is a good thing Rosie is who she is because I am almost ready to flee into my own world. To shut everyone out and pretend they don’t exist. But this time Rosie will not let me. I am awakened by a loud knock on the door only a few days after our return. My first instinct is to ignore the person in front of my door but she is persistent. After a minute I hear another knock, 

‘Cashmere, I know you're there. Just open the door please.’ Rosie almost screams. 

With a heavy sigh I move to open it. I know I can’t keep her out but I don’t want to be in this conversation right now. Or ever really. 

I don’t say anything to her when I open the door but I leave it open for her to follow me. When I sit back down on the couch I grab the little blanket and tuck it around me closely. 

‘Cashmere, you have to stop this.’ 

‘Why? No one needs me, I can just rot in here and no one will bother.’ I tell her. 

I see a sign of shock on her face. I know it is cruel to say it like this but I am having a rough day and I don’t want to talk about it. I am surprised when I see tears in Rosie’s eyes. 

‘Cashmere, you know that’s not true. What about your parents? Your brothers? Me and Vic?’

I shrug.

'They will survive without me being there to get them into danger.’ 

‘What about Finnick?’ 

‘He has Mags and his parents and Gloss. He is fine.’

She stays silent for a minute.

‘And what about Gloss? You haven’t seen him wandering his home without a purpose. You haven’t seen him worried out of his mind after every phone call. He is lost without you Cash. Totally lost.’ 

I feel a pang in my chest. I feel lost without him but I had always been sure he was a tough guy who did not need me in return. He is strong enough to battle his own demons and if he isn’t, Rosie will help him. But apparently it isn’t that simple.

‘He will be fine.’ I try, knowing that my statement will not hold long. 

‘No he won’t Cashmere. You know that just as well as me.’ 

I sigh heavily. Hiding my face into my knees in an attempt to shut Rosie out. I know she is right but I don’t want to face her. 

‘Cashmere, what happened? You are depressed and downright cruel to yourself. I know I could never imagine what you go through in the Capitol. I know I will never understand what you have to do but let me help you.’ 

I remain silent for a while as I feel Rosie gaze at me, waiting for an answer. 

‘Go upstairs. In the top drawer of my nightstand you’ll find a little pink box.’ 

‘Cash -’ 

‘In the box is a letter directed to you. Grab it and read it. I can’t tell you but maybe it will help you understand.’ I tell Rosie. 

She hesitates for a moment before she gets up to grab the letter. I hear her stumble up the stairs, making her way over to my bed room and rummaging through my stuff. The letter tells her what I can not say. All the pain I feel that I am not able to talk about. But I am scared of what Rosie will think. 

After a minute Rosie is back, clutching the letter and looking at me expectantly. 

‘Are you sure you want me to read this?’ 

I nod slowly. Just wanting her to start before I change my mind. 

Rosie sits down beside me on the couch slowly opening the letter and taking a deep breath before she starts. I study her face while she reads and I notice things I have never seen before. She looks tired, worried even, and I notice some light wrinkles in her otherwise smooth skin. Rosie’s position is almost as bad as mine. She knows everything but is totally helpless in doing anything. I wonder how many sleepless nights she has had worrying about her brother and sister in law. I wonder how hard it is for her to keep all of this a secret from Fibre. 

Halfway through the letter I see the first tears fall. It doesn’t take long before a river is flowing down her cheeks. Seeing her cry like this makes the tears well up in my own eyes. She cares so much about us and we aren’t even blood related. How can she love us so much? How can she love two people who are so filthy? So used?

‘Cashmere, I will never ever see you as a whore. I will never forget the real you. The wonderful, beautiful girl who can love so fiercely if she is given the change. I will always see the little girl full of hope. Full of desire and passion. Always humming a different tune. Always looking up to her big brothers but at the same time enjoying the attention you got for being their little sister. You wore your heart on your sleeve until Gloss got reaped.’

‘Rosie. That girl is gone. She isn’t there anymore.’

‘I don’t believe that. She is in you somewhere, you just lost her.’ Rosie answers. 

‘You seem awfully certain.’ 

‘I am. You wouldn’t care about Gloss and Finnick if the girl you were isn’t still there. You would do anything for your family. I know you do not want to talk about it but I am sure they threatened Vic directly from the moment he was born. But I don’t worry about it. You know why?’

I shake my head lightly. 

‘Because you and Gloss will throw yourselves in front of him physically if you have to. You will never let him get hurt no matter the cost.’

I laugh softly. 

‘Vic hasn’t done anything wrong, just being born as our nephew isn’t a crime. He doesn’t deserve to be punished for something he didn’t do.’ 

‘And you do?’ Rosie asks me.

I close my eyes breathing deeply, trying to keep the tears at bay, Do I? I think I do. I wrote I do but saying it out loud is hard. I killed people. I chose to kill people. I deserve the treatment I get. I deserve to feel dirty. 

‘Yes.’ I whisper. 

‘Do you really?’ 

‘Yes.’ I say more firmly. ‘I killed children Rosie. I killed a 12 year old. That makes me a murderer. A murderer deserves punishment.’ 

‘You are not a murderer.’ 

I laugh more loudly now. 

‘Really? What do you want to call me?’ I say, staring intently into her eyes. 

‘A victim.’ 

‘Gloss and Finnick are victims. I chose this. I am a monster’ 

I can see the frustration growing in Rosie’s body language. 

‘You are not a monster and you did not choose this life. Yes, you chose to be in the games which was probably the worst decision of your life but you did not choose this. You were sixteen Cash. No one expected you to make a fair and reasonable decision. No volunteer thinks beyond screaming those words. They all think of the glory they will bring to their family and District. None of them think about what that glory entails. Why do you think you would be that one volunteer who could stand above that? You were programmed to think the way you did, to only see the glory and not the guilt or the responsibilities a Victor carries for the rest of his life.’ She rants. 

I know she is partly true. We are programmed to only think about the glory. None of the kids at the academy know what to expect. No one knows. Not until they have set foot in the arena. And most of them don’t come out to share what it means. Gloss and I don’t visit the academy. We don’t want to know the kids we will mentor more than we have to but that also means that no one knows the truth. 

‘You do have a future Cashmere. Maybe not the one you envisioned but you still have one. We all love you, nothing will change that. Someone will be able to look past everything you are forced to do and give you all the love you deserve. Someone will love you fiercely. You only have to give it a chance and trust that they will want you despite the risks. Despite your duties for the President.’ 

‘That must be some freakishly powerful love if he wants to throw himself voluntarily into my fucked up life.’ I shrug. 

‘Love is weird. It works in ways you can never imagine, but you have to give it a change. Don’t close yourself off like this. Give the life you have here with us a chance. Please Cashmere, we can’t lose you.’ 

I still don’t believe there will be someone who will love me so much they will risk the attention of the Capitol. Who will love me enough to forget about marriage and children. Who will love me enough to accept the fact that I can not be faithful. But she is right about letting my family in. They will love me no matter what. They will love me even if I forget them and ignore them for weeks. I can’t disappoint them and I won’t. 

‘I’m sorry.’ I whisper with tears in my eyes. 

‘Don’t be Cashmere. You’ve got a lot to deal with. I don’t expect you to handle all of this on your own. We are your family, let us help you.’ 

‘How can they help me? They have no idea what is happening. Why we are away so much and come back even more destroyed than we left.’ 

Rosie starts fidgeting and I sense she wants to say something she is not really sure about. I watch her walk to the television and turn it on. A terrible capitol show blasts through the speakers and Rosie puts the volume up even more. It takes me only a second to figure out why she does this. Make it impossible for the bugs to pick up our conversation. 

‘We could tell them.’ She whispers softly. ‘Fibre senses something is wrong. He has for a while and it is getting harder and harder to avoid answering his questions. It feels wrong to lie to him but I want to keep the promise I made to you. I will not tell him without your permission.’ 

‘But that will get you and Vic into even more trouble.’ I say with horror in my voice. 

‘Cashmere, all of us are living with a gun against our heads. Fibre knowing the same things I know will not change anything for us or Vic. Gloss agrees with me.’ 

_ Gloss agrees with me.  _

Gloss apparently already agreed to letting Fibre into our secret life. To let him know about our most humiliating moments. Would it really be bad if he knew? Maybe Gloss would be able to talk to him about it. Rebond with his brother without all the secrets hanging in between them. Maybe we owe Rosie for it. To make it easier for her to uphold her promise to her husband. 

‘When?’ I whisper. 

I can see a hint of surprise in Rosie’s eyes. Like she expected to need more to convince me. 

‘Fibre gets home by 7 so maybe you and Gloss can come over for dinner and we will talk about it after?’ 

I nod slowly but I can already feel the tension building. 

* * *

The tension in the air is almost unbearable. Gloss is doing the dishes in order to do something while I brush through my hair for the hundredth time. Rosie is putting Vic to sleep while Fibre absentmindedly stirs in his tea. Fibre knows something is up but he doesn’t say anything. We are all waiting for Rosie to return and break the tension by starting a conversation. 

With every minute it becomes harder for me to breath. Where do we start? How do we tell him? Gloss is taking a lot of time in finishing the dishes and I have a feeling he is already done but does not want to join me in sulking. 

‘Okay, stop this bullshit. What’s wrong with the two of you?’ Fibre suddenly says. ‘You are both ignoring me like the plague and I know there is something going on.’ 

Gloss stiffens immediately while I try to search for words. Fibre has always been direct and I am not sure how to handle that right now. Rosie saves us as soon as she enters. 

‘Fibre, it is not that simple. Please calm down, we will tell you.’ Rosie tells him. 

Fibre’s eyes narrow at the revelation that Rosie knows more about us than he does and for a moment I think he is going to burst. 

‘What happened to our no secrets rule? I thought we agreed to never lie to each other. I thought that was a part of our vows.’ He says with a defeated voice. 

Rosie moves to his side placing a soft kiss on his forehead, promising him the vows still hold. 

‘This secret isn’t mine to share. They asked me to keep it a secret for our own safety. They only wanted to protect us from the Capitol, Fi. I found out by mere coincidence.’ 

Fibre closes his eyes while he breathes deeply through his nose. I can see he is trying to calm down. Trying to be relaxed enough to hear what is clearly threatening the safety of his family. Trying to accept the fact that his wife has been keeping secrets. 

‘Okay, so what is happening?’ Fibre eventually asks. 

Gloss and I look at each other for a moment, trying to decide who will start telling our story. It doesn’t take long before Gloss starts talking. 

‘After my games, at the victory party, I got called to the President’s office for a private audience. Everyone get’s one, I was told, but I was still scared at what he was going to tell me. He told me that he required me to take up some extra duties to settle a debt I owed him for surviving.’ 

I see Gloss look at Fibre, waiting for a reaction, but he remains silent. 

‘He told me my duties could be anything. Doing photoshoots, making appearances, attending parties but mostly spending my time with influential people. Pleasing them. Fucking them.’ 

Rosie moves to hold Fibre’s hand when those words sink in. Disbelieve is written all over his face. 

‘The alternative is seeing all of you suffer. Or more literally every misstep results in the loss of a family member. At first I went along with it to protect Cashmere. Tiberius, the guy who is tasked with keeping all the victor’s in check, made sure I knew that they were keeping an eye on Cash. He told me she was beautiful and that they were very interested in her wellbeing and development. So I tried to protect her by seeing everyone they wanted me to see and keeping Cashmere shielded from the camera’s during my tour. But I knew as soon as Cash won what they wanted from her.’ 

Gloss is now staring at me. There is a sorry look in his eyes but he is not judging me. Like he wants to make sure I know he does not blame me. 

‘So your what? Escorts? Prostitutes?’ Fibre asks.

‘Very expensive ones, I believe.’ I say. ‘And very much in demand ever since Finnick won.’ 

‘Your trips increased after he won.’ Fibre states. 

‘Yes they did. Finnick was too young to work back then but we were a welcome distraction for some of the Capitol’s richest. Now we have a shiny apartment smack in the middle of the city for the sole purpose of selling ourselves.’ 

Fibre is taking deep breaths, swallowing every so often in an attempt to calm down. He was always someone who expressed his emotions very physically and I can tell he is trying to suppress his urges to lash out. His head slowly lowers into his hands while I see the frustration build in his muscles. 

‘Jesus. Fuck. Those guys are sick.’ 

It stays silent for a little while before Gloss opens his mouth again. 

‘They’re even more sick than you can imagine. It is not just simple sex, Fi. It is men, women, threesomes, orgies, bondage, SM, torture…‘ Gloss swiftly looks at me. ‘Incest.’

At this revelation Rosie’s eyes grow big as well. She never asked about the severity of our duties and there was never a reason to tell her about it. This information is also new for her and she does not take it lightly. The tears are pooling in her eyes and there are no doubt images in her head she wishes she never saw. 

Fibre is trembling with rage. It is a good thing that Rosie is resting her hands on his shoulders because otherwise he would probably burst. 

‘I don’t get this. Haven’t they hurt you enough with the games? Why are they still torturing you like this? Why, just why?’ Fibre rants. 

‘Because they can Fi. Because they have our whole lives in the palm of their hands and they can crush it at will.’ Gloss replies. ‘They are addicted to power and they like to show it with the people who are deemed the strongest in the nation.’ 

Fibre is desperately trying to keep himself in check. He tries some breathing exercises and Rosie is massaging the muscles in his neck to get him to calm down. His eyes are still closed and when they open shortly they are actively ignoring Gloss and me. 

‘What about Vic? Is he in danger because of this?’ Fibre asks. 

‘You all are. All of you are under a constant threat.’ Gloss replies. 

‘I know that. I just want to know if they have threatened him directly.’ 

Gloss stares at me. I had told him about Tiberius’s visit and threat but he hadn’t heard him say it himself.

‘Yes. They did. The moment they told me about his birth.’ I tell Fibre.

A new wave of anger washes over him and this time they are mixed with a stream of tears and a lot of swear words. 

‘Fi, I am really sorry we put you in danger.’ I try. 

‘You don’t have to be sorry. It is not your fault. They should be ashamed of even threatening a newborn. I just - I am so sorry. How can I help? I mean, is there anything I can do.’ Fibre tries but before I am able to answer he jumps up and rushes to the sink to empty the contents of his stomach. It takes him a while to stop vomiting, he only stops when there is nothing left. Rosie gives him a glass of water to rinse his mouth, her eyes filled with worry about the sudden display of sickness. 

‘So, the both of you? All of those sick things happen to the both of you?’ Fibre asks. 

The both of us remain silent, confirming his statement. 

‘Gloss, I know you probably tried but isn’t there anything you can do? She is our little sister, we have to protect her.’ 

Gloss sighs heavily before he answers. 

‘You think I didn’t think of a way out before I fucked her? Before I watched her bleed in front of an audience while being used by 7 men? You think I didn’t feel useless leaving her in the capitol because we agreed Finnick shouldn’t be on his own? You think I don’t blame myself every minute of every day?’ 

Gloss’s anger builds and builds while the devastation in Fibre’s eyes grows. He knows Gloss is doing everything he can but the feeling of helplessness Fibre feels is one that is so familiar to all of us. It takes some getting used to. 

‘Gloss, we swore to protect her. We swore we would do everything we could to keep our little sister safe.’ He desperately tries. 

‘And you think I am not trying to do just that? What would you do? If you were in my place and the only way to keep your family and your sister safe is by fucking around? What if it was Rosie they held against you? I  _ am  _ protecting her to the best of my abilities. I am there for her when the light in our apartment comes on and she has to leave in some ridiculously revealing creation. I am there when she returns. I am there when she gets sent to a client we both know is violent. I am there to put salve on the wounds so they will heal up quick enough for her to keep working. I am there when we are forced to fuck each other with all of your lives hanging over our heads to make sure we follow orders. I am doing everything I can in keeping her and you guys safe. So don’t ever tell me I am not protecting her.’ 

Gloss is now standing in front of our brother sprouting his anger at him. Fibre knows Gloss is trying his best but like all of us Fibre is grasping for the straws to ease his feeling of helplessness. Fibre suddenly grabs the mug that is in front of him and violently throws it against the wall. An almost beastly sound emerges from his mouth. 

‘Fuck!’ Fibre screams. 

Gloss is pacing up and down the room in an effort to calm down himself. Rosie is staring at me, waiting for my response. We silently communicate so we can each grab a target to calm down. Gloss will only be able to bear my touch right now while Fibre needs his wife’s. 

I slowly stand up and make my way over to my pacing brother, his hands clenching his shirt tightly to channel his rage. My hands gently grab his wrists in an attempt to get his attention without startling or hurting him. I try to pry his hands from their lethal grip but they are firmer than usual. His muscles are really tense this time, almost as tense as when he was whipped by Tiberius. 

‘Gloss, it’s okay. Let it go.’ I whisper. 

I softly stroke his arms to try and get them to relax and eventually it works. I get them to relax enough to let go of his shirt and grab around my back. We are entangled in a tight hug for a few minutes before I hear Fibre again. 

‘Gloss, I am sorry. I know you are doing everything you can. I don’t doubt that. I just feel helpless not being able to protect Cash. I feel like I failed you. The both of you.’ Fibre says. 

‘Fi, no one can protect me. You can’t. Gloss can’t. No one is able to protect me from Snow. No one failed me. No one knew this was going to happen to the both of us. So please, stop blaming yourself and just be there. Rosie has been making sure that we keep on functioning when we return home, you have to help her do that.’ 

Fibre thinks about it for a few minutes before he finally nods. 

‘I fucking hate the capitol.’ He says before he moves for another glass of water.

I couldn’t agree more. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little ray of sunshine for our dear Cashmere.

Fibre really needs some time to process everything we told him. He talks with Gloss a lot to grab the full scale of all of this and I can’t help but notice it helps the both of them. For now both Fibre and Rosie have promised not to tell anyone else but we will not be able to keep all of this a secret for the rest of our lives. Our family contains a few very curious people who will ask eventually. 

I try to pick up my life again. Try to give myself some sort of schedule to keep moving and not hide out in my house. Rosie thinks I am going through a bad couple of weeks but that everything will get better if I keep going outdoors. Both Gloss and I take care of Vic to give Rosie and Fibre time to work and mend their slightly impacted relationship. They have a lot to talk about and it seems only fair we provide them with the time to sort things out. 

I take endless walks along the lake after I have finished my chores in order to empty my mind. The sound of the lake reminds me of Finnick. He hasn’t called me since we returned and that leaves me with mixed emotions. I would love to talk to him about everything but I am also sure he needs some space to come to terms with this new life.

The sun is slowly lowering in the lake on an exceptionally warm fall day when I find myself sitting on the edge staring out over the water. Victor’s village is on the other side of the lake and this side is peacefully silent. I can hear birds chirping happily while a lonely cricket makes himself known every once in a while. I haven’t seen anyone in hours and I enjoy sitting here more than I want to admit. Being truly alone is hard when there’s always someone listening while you’re at home. 

‘Hi, are you okay?’ I suddenly hear from behind me.

My whole body tenses up at the sudden intrusion of my privacy and I flick my head around at once. A young man stands only a few meters away from me, dressed in work-out clothes and breathing heavily. His brown hair is glued to his forehead and his dark eyes stare at me. Curiosity written all over them. 

‘I am sorry if I scared you.’ He tells me, probably surprised at my less than friendly reaction. 

‘No, it’s fine. I just don’t like surprises, that’s all.’ I tell him while I stare back at the lake. 

I expect him to take his loss and leave but he doesn’t. Instead I hear his footsteps move closer until he sits down in the grass a few meters away. I can feel his eyes bore into my back and I have to use all my strength to not snarl at him. 

‘You’re Cashmere right? Fibre’s sister?’ He asks and for a minute I am surprised. Everyone in One knows my name but they always associate me with winning my games never with anything else. Almost all my school friends have forgotten about me and I can’t really blame them. No one wants to be associated with me to avoid the watchful eye of the Capitol as much as possible. 

‘I’m Jules. Fibre and I used to be in the same classes in school. I heard he married Rosie and they have a little boy together. I always knew they would end up married, they were made for each other.’ 

I can’t help but smile slightly at his comment. It is nothing but the truth, everybody who has ever met them knows they belong together. This Jules also intrigues me. Most people start talking about the games immediately and he doesn't even seem to have the intention to mention them. I finally stop fighting my urches and look at him. He is staring out over the lake which gives me a chance to take him in. His hair is quite long and curly and he has a light stubble on his chin. His lips are tilted into a smile which creates little dips in his cheeks. His shoulders are bulky and I can see a hint of a well toned body through his shirt. 

‘It’s nice out here, do you go here often?’ He asks, not looking at me. 

‘Yes.’ I answer. ‘It gives me space to think. To arrange the chaos in my head.’ 

His eyes move over to me, a puzzled look on his face. He must think I am crazy. Sulking about how hard my life is while I am living such a life of luxury. 

‘You are different than I imagined.’ He says. 

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘I expected a bubbly and happy girl. Dressed in some fancy clothing, hair and make-up done and talking about all the wonderful things in her life. But instead you are a girl who walks around in sweatpants, her hair in a messy bun and an awfully sad look on her face. Still beautiful but -’ 

‘- sad.’ I finish for him. 

He only nods in response before he returns to staring at the lake. I stare at him for a while. He intrigues me and I feel an urge to know more about him. 

‘What about you?’ 

He smirks lightly as he turns to answer me.

‘What about me?’ 

‘You are what? Twenty two? Twenty three? What do you do with your precious time every day?’ 

His gaze turns to the ground and I see him play with the grass beneath him before he answers. 

‘I teach sword fighting at the academy.’ He says softly. 

‘You what?’ I say, hoping I understood him wrong. 

‘I train tributes. I teach them how to work with swords.’ 

For a moment I am lost for words. This guy trains the very tributes I send to their deaths. Did he train Tania and Ava? How can he be a part of the games by choice?

‘Why?’ I ask him, it is the only word I can manage. 

He sighs heavily before he answers. 

‘I always showed promise when I was a student myself and the teachers wanted me to volunteer in my last year and I was set to do it. I would win for our District, I was absolutely certain. But right before the reaping my dad was killed in an accident at work and I couldn’t leave my mother and little sister to care for themselves. Being out of reaping age meant I needed a job and one was offered to me by the academy. I accepted because we really needed the money. The first few years I only trained with the freshmen, now I train the kids who show real promise. Benson was one of my pupils.’ 

A heavy silence sits between us for a little while. He set Benson up to go to the games and we finished the job by letting him die. 

‘You probably think I am a monster.’ Jules says eventually. 

I stare at him while I think about my answer. I am a monster, that is something I know for sure. But is he one, too, because he accepted a job offer? Because he wanted to provide for his family? What defines a monster? He never killed anybody. I did. That is what makes me a monster. But he didn’t. 

‘No, I don’t.’ 

This surprises him and for the first time our eyes meet. I really want to explain my reasoning to him but I am afraid of giving away too much information about my life. I don’t want to endanger this guy who has been nothing but kind to me. 

I start throwing rocks in the lake while we silently sit side by side. Every rock makes a soft plopping sound which is oddly comforting. I watch as the little wrinkles fan out from the place of impact. One little stone impacts so much. It creates movement which can be felt in every corner of the lake. Sometimes I wish we had a stone like that. A stone that can create a wave which ripples the nation and chances the course of my life. 

When the sun is gone completely Jules speaks again.

‘Do you want me to take you home?’ 

I feel a tinge along my spine. So that’s what he is after. He wants to get laid and he thought that I was an easy target. He is nothing more than any other man who wants to take advantage of me. The only difference is that I can fight back against Jules. He is not paying for my time. He is not in any way connected to Tiberius. 

I laugh sarcastically before I answer. 

‘Wow, you see a woman alone and immediately move to get her into your bed. How classy.’ 

The shock on his face tells me he might not have the intentions I thought he had. 

‘What do you mean?’ He says. 

‘I am easy right? If I fuck my way around the Capitol than I will surely spread my legs for someone from home. What can I do? A woman alone in the dark with a man who is twice as strong as her. These are just the perfect circumstances to fuck someone.’

I get up and am about to stomp off when I feel his hand around my wrist. 

‘Cashmere, I -’

‘Get off me.’ I spit out through clenched teeth. My anger really building, my mind flashing back to all those times someone held me down. All the times someone forced me to do what they wanted from me. 

He lets go without a second thought, probably remembering that I am an experienced killer. I want to walk away but some feeling in my gut makes me wait for a few seconds. 

‘Cashmere, that was never my intention. I just wanted to get you home safely. I didn’t even think about anything else.’ 

‘Yeah, sure. Like you are different than any other man I have encountered the last couple of years.’ 

‘I like to believe I am.’ He tells me, which takes me by surprise. When I turn around I can see desperation in his eyes. 

‘I am sorry you think I wanted that. I just wanted to get you home safe because of the darkness.’ 

I hesitate for a moment. He seems genuine. Wouldn’t he have forced himself on me by now if he wanted to? 

‘Fine. You can take me home but if you touch me again I swear I will break your hand.’ I tell him. 

He chuckles softly.

‘And I am certain you will. Don’t worry I will keep my distance.’ 

He puts his hands in his pockets to confirm his statement while he smiles softly. I grab the edges of my vest and pull them tightly around myself. The cold suddenly makes me shiver and I can see Jules stopping his urches to wrap an arm around me. He keeps his promise though. 

We slowly walk towards Victor’s village without talking to each other. When the white villa’s come into view I can see a shift in Jules. 

‘It must be terrible to live in those houses.’ He states. 

I look at him in confusion. The houses are big and have everything we could ask for. It is one of the things about my life I can easily accept. Except maybe the bugs in every room. 

‘What makes you say that?’ I ask him. 

‘They look so big and cold. I can imagine it reminds you of how you got such a house.’ 

I don’t answer him. There are things which remind me of that a lot more but he doesn’t need to know that. When we arrive at the gates of the village he stops walking, not wanting to enter the village without permission. 

‘I hope we can talk some more another time. I would like to get to know you a bit better if you will let me.’ He tells me. 

A small smile forms on my face that I can’t hide from his gaze but I don’t answer him. Jules is nice and talking to him has been something different that I can’t really place but I can’t commit myself to anything. 

‘We’ll see.’ I reply. Keeping my options open. 

He smiles back at me.

‘You know where to find me if you do.’ 

After that he turns around and starts walking away. His hands lodged in his pockets which makes his shoulders somewhat raised. The muscles in his back stand out through the fabric of his shirt and I can’t help but notice the tiny curls at the base of his neck. They remind me of Finn. 

‘Jules!’ I shout after him. 

Only his head turns around to answer to his name. 

‘Thank you, for walking me home.’ 

‘My pleasure, Cashmere. See you!’ He replies. 

He turns back around and starts to walk away. I can’t help but smile at our strange encounter as I walk over to my front door. Gloss’s house is dark and I am sure he hasn’t noticed me being brought home by a strange man. For a moment I wonder what he would think. I know he does not trust someone easily, especially not a man who is interested in his sister. Hell, I don’t trust people myself for the same reasons. So why did I let my guard down with Jules? What makes him so special?

* * *

Meeting Jules has turned my world upside down. Having a normal conversation with a man outside of my own family, and Finnick, is rare and my head can’t grab around it. What does he want from me? He is a man. He must have some desires to get me into his bed. He must. I am not very interesting otherwise and it can’t be the friendship that he wants. 

Talking about my meeting with Jules is impossible. I am too afraid of Gloss’s reaction to tell him and Rosie knows him from school which makes it hard to talk about him with her. Thinking of Jules makes something flutter in my stomach that I have never felt before and I can’t seem to find out what it means. He is interesting. He thinks differently about the things that are heavily featured in my life and his reluctance to mention the games in our first encounter tells me something about his heart. What if he is different like he claims? 

My mind tells me to let it go, he is safer without me in his life, but my body tells me otherwise. Without thinking I make sure I plan my walks around the lake near sun down in the hopes of meeting him at the lakeshore but he never shows up. Every time I feel a mixture of relief and disappointment after another no show. I know I will be able to find him at the academy during training hours but I can’t bring myself to get to that place. 

The place holds many memories that I don’t want to revisit. To see the young people train for something they will most likely not survive. To see them throw their whole lives away for a dream that will turn out to be a nightmare no matter the outcome. I can’t go there and walk in without seeing all the sorrow and thinking about Ava and Tania. About Crispin, Benson, Purse, Diamond and all the children that came before them. I can’t help but think about myself, training to live up to my brothers expectations but ultimately training to become an object to be sold. An object with terrible nightmares and the most horrible job in the world. 

But if I want to see Jules again I have to face my fears. I have to walk up to the academy and walk through those doors like it doesn’t face me. I walk to the square a couple of times eyeing the academy everytime but never finding the courage to go there. The building keeps staring at me and I keep staring back, never doing more than just that. 

All the while Jules keeps flashing in my mind. Why does he affect me so much? Why do I let my life be changed by someone I barely know? Yes he was friendly and nice and didn’t seem to see me as just a victor. But that is all I know about him. He is just a man. 

And I want to know more about him. I want to know everything about him. 

My curiosity eventually wins as I try to find the courage to step through the academy doors. I try not to think too much about what I am about to do when I walk up the steps to the entrance.

_ You are here to see Jules, not to fight till death. Keep breathing.  _

I swiftly close my eyes before my hand finds the door handle. I am immediately greeted by the familiar sound of clashing metal. Everywhere around me teenagers are sparring and fighting each other. Most of them handle blunt swords to make sure no one is harmed but the sound still triggers something in me. I am constantly fighting against the flashbacks that haunt my dreams. 

_ Don’t Cash. You can do this.  _

I remain frozen against the wall. Terrified to interrupt someone or disturb anyone so he or she gets hurt. My eyes wander the room as I try to slow down my breathing, searching for the person I am here for. 

I spot him in one of the corners, sparring with one of his students, giving him pointers while they fight. He moves smoothly through the poses and it is almost enchanting to watch. His hair is once again plastered against his forehead and his shirt is wet with his sweat. He looks quite handsome this way, despite the sword in his hand. He doesn’t seem to notice me at all, too busy with the student in front of him. 

They have an interesting fight. The student is very talented and is able to make it difficult for Jules to fight against him. The boy looks around eighteen and I feel a pang in my stomach when I realize who he reminds me of. His facial features are awfully familiar and he has the same auburn curly hair as his late older sister. His hair is tied back in a messy bun and when I get a glance at his face I see two familiar eyes. He and Ava could have been twins. 

They both laugh when Jules finally bests the boy. The boy is on his knees while Jules’ sword is pointed at the feins in the boys shoulder. 

‘You really have to work on your feint but otherwise you are getting harder to beat, great job Gus.’ Jules tells him. 

‘Well, you get sloppy.’ The boy replies, breathing heavily with a grin on his face. 

I see Jules drop the sword and help the boy up. When he glances my way I see a mixture of surprise and excitement in his eyes. His eyes stay focused on mine and I can’t look away. The sparkle in his eyes reminds me of the one in Finn’s and it is like I am frozen in time. 

‘Gus, please join the others and go finish those laps outside. I will be there in a minute.’ He tells the boy, still not looking away from our death stare. I feel the tension in my body building as I see him walk over to me. Sword still in his hand and a big smile on his face. 

‘Hey, you.’

‘Hi’ 

‘So you finally came.’ He says. 

‘I think you can imagine I would rather not come near this place. Not the best place for me to be.’ I tell him. 

He laughs lightly. 

‘Yeah, I am sorry about that. I just spent all my time here so I figured it would be easy to find me here.’ 

His stare is getting more intense awaiting my answer and I can’t help but look away. I look at everything but his eyes and try to take in my surroundings. The stack full of spears sends shivers down my spine. They remind me of Purse. His murderous eyes and a spear in his hands ready to send me to an early grave. 

‘It’s fine.’ I tell him. 

The boy, Gus, and I lock eyes for a moment and I can sense a certain level of resentment. His eyes bore into mine as soon as he realizes who I am. What does he see when he looks at me? Does he see the girl who is partly responsible for his sister's death? Does he see the one who did come home while others didn’t?

‘The boy?’ I ask Jules as the boy leaves the room. 

Jules follows my line of sight and sighs heavily. 

‘I guess I should have known you would notice. Ava was Augustus’ sister. Thick as thieves those two, talks about her a lot. He is set to volunteer this year to avenge her death.’ 

That comment makes me shiver again. I know they talk a lot about this stuff especially in the classes Jules teaches, with the kids who show promise, but thinking about volunteering so lightly leaves a large hole in my chest. 

‘He has no idea what he gets himself into.’ I grind through my teeth. 

I know Jules has heard my comment but he decides not to get into it. Instead he puts the sword in his hand away and moves to hold the door open for me. 

‘Wanna take a walk? Maybe it helps to get out of this place.’ 

I nod slowly as Jules leads me out of the academy back into the open air. The air feels refreshing right away and I can’t help but breathe deeply. I suck in the fresh air and let my heart rate get down again before I dare to look at Jules. 

‘You can just leave without anyone saying anything?’ I ask him. Afraid to get him in trouble. 

‘No, I can’t. But I haven’t had my break and the kids won’t snitch. I will be fine.’ He replies. 

It feels weird to not fear any reprieve for something that isn’t allowed but I trust him if he wants to take the risk. He seems relaxed about it and it is not like Tiberius can get to him. What is the worst they could do? Cut his salary maybe, or give him more hours to work. Either one of them could be so much worse if he gets the wrong people mad. Or if I get the wrong people mad for that matter. Because even if I pretend this is nothing, he is already at risk for being seen with me at the academy. 

‘Want to take a walk around the lake?’ He asks me. 

He looks so genuine and sweet. Why is he not scared of me? Scared of what contact with me could do to him? Why is he so interested in this used and dirty human being that doesn’t have a future besides spreading her legs and sending his well trained pupils to their deaths. 

‘Yes, I would like that.’ I tell him. 

We remain silent until we reach the loop around the lake. Like always on workdays there is no one there. Jules’ hands are lodged in the pockets of his sweatpants and with my arms folded around my own body we awkwardly walk alongside each other. 

‘So. You know a lot about me and my family through the media and because you were classmates with my brother and his wife. But I hardly know anything about you. I know your dad died and that you have a sister. I know where you work. But that is hardly enough. Tell me more, please.’ 

Jules looks at me for a moment before he looks down to the ground and starts talking. 

‘Dad worked in the perfume factory down by the river, that’s where he met my mom. Mom still works there. They got married fast and had me soon after. They were happy. Enrolled me in school and found out pretty soon I was one of the best in class. I scored so high in PE that they had me tested at academy level at the age of eight. Passed it all with flying colors.’ 

Normally kids in One would go to elementary school from the age of five. The first years are great. Learning the basics of Panem, learning to read and write, having some basic skills in math we would need to work in the factories. Even the elementary school has a heavy focus on PE and every year they test their students for their potential. The students leave the elementary school at the age of ten. The test scores determine if they leave for the regular high school, to be prepared for the district One workforce, or for one of the academies, to train for the games. 

‘When I was six Neva was born. I was so immensely proud to have a little sister. I would walk around holding her hand from the moment she was able to put one foot in front of the other. Always showing her of, making sure everybody knew she was my sister and that they would have to meet me before they could get to her. I started building a reputation the moment I started at the academy. The kid who had out tested some of the students years older than him, well, it helps to get the attention fixed on you. I was put in advanced classes right away and everyone seemed to be sure I would be the next winner for One. But then dad got his accident and my world was turned upside down. I realised life was about more than the games and it only took one look at Neva to know she needed me more than One needed a victor. So I sat out my last reaping and started working to keep my family fed.’ 

I laugh slightly. 

‘And here you are, talking to a girl who has no life outside of those very same games.’ 

Jules glances at me to look for the joke but he is met with pure and harsh honesty. 

‘You don’t mean that. The games have influenced your life more than they have mine but it is not your whole life.’ 

‘Jules, no disrespect, but you have absolutely no clue about my life.’ I shoot. 

He stares at me intently but I masterfully avoid his gaze. If I will ever tell him about my life, I am not doing it today. I can’t get him into danger when I don’t even know if our friendship will last. 

‘What about Neva?’ I ask, subtly changing the subject. “Is she at the academy?’ 

‘Yes, she is.’ He answers with a heavy sigh. 

I stop walking right away. The tone in his voice gets to me immediately. 

‘Don’t tell me she will volunteer.’ 

Jules has stopped as well and slowly turns around to look at me. 

‘She probably won’t, she doesn’t show as much promise as a typical volunteer does. But she has two more reapings to go and I am scared she will think she has something to prove.’ He tells me. 

I try to imagine his seventeen year old sister without ever having seen her. I give her his eyes and hair color. I give her an amazing body, toned by years of training and good genetics. I see a perfect target. A perfect victor to join Tiberius’ pack of prostitutes. 

‘You have to talk her out of it. She can’t volunteer. She doesn’t want the life me and my brother are living.’ I blurt out. 

Jules looks at me. Eyes filled with a mix of curiosity and pity. He has no idea about my life but all the signs that I am giving probably tell him it isn’t glamorous at all. 

‘I try. I don’t want her in the games. I don’t want to be like Gus. I can’t live without Neva and she knows that.’ 

I slowly start walking again, meeting up with Jules in no time. 

‘If you need help convincing her, let me know. I have some inside information that will surely make her think twice about getting herself in that spotlight.’ I tell him. 

He nods. 

“Thanks. I will keep that in mind.’ 

As we walk further we remain silent. Jules stares in the distance thinking about something and I am happy to look at him. The dips in his cheeks are absent and I notice a light scar on his cheek. I am amazed by something so simple as a scar. All my childhood scars are gone, all erased by the Capitol. They left me with enough scars on the inside but those are not visible. 

He has a defined jawline and I enjoy seeing the light stubble. Gloss is not allowed to grow a beard of any kind. They treat us with some solution every year to get rid of all our body hair. The Capitol hates body hair apparently. If they do have beards and mustaches they are awfully stylish and can hardly be called body hair. 

His arms are just as bulky as I remember from last time. They are lined with veins and I wonder for a moment if he never gets cold. I always seem to shiver in the district, the chilly winds get to me. But he seems to walk around in a short sleeved shirt without a problem. 

He has another scar on his arm. A big one. Possibly made by a sword that wasn’t as blunt as he thought. It spans all the way from his shoulder to his wrist and I wonder for a second what happened there. After the games I had a similar line on my stomach. It wasn’t deep or life threatening but it was there. Some kind of proof I had been in the arena. It vanished after a few days and another dose of the Capitol’s miracle medicine but I kind of enjoyed having something there for a while. 

‘You don’t have to tell me anything about your life. I will not force you. But know I will be there for you if you need to talk ‘ Jules says, looking at me. 

‘Thanks, but I probably won’t. It is not worth taking the risks. I don’t want to get you and your family on my list of people I have to protect.’ 

Jules stops walking this time, staring at me like I am making a joke. 

‘Protect from who?’ He asks.

‘Snow.’ I silently say. 

‘Snow.’ He says back, ‘Is he the reason you are so closed off? Why you will not tell me anything about yourself?’ 

‘He is a big part of it. Everything I tell you could get you into danger and AlthoughI hardly know you, I don’t want to be responsible for hurting you. What is your deal anyway? What do you want from me?’ 

‘I- I don’t know. I guess I want to get to know you better. I like you. I think you are beautiful. But I also know you are hurting and my gut tells me I want to help you. I want to make you smile again.’ He stumbles. 

‘Why?” I reply. ‘Why would you want to get to know me? You will get a shitload of trouble with people you don’t want to get involved with. I am not worth it.’ 

‘I disagree. I think you _ are  _ worth it. I think you are worth all the trouble in the world.’ 

There it is again. The flutter in my stomach. The ache to hear more of his words. To know everything about this man. 

‘You don’t know me.’ I say. 

‘But I want to. I want to know you with every bone in my body. I want to know what you like. What you want. I want to know about your deepest fears and your biggest dreams. I know your life can only be a very bumpy ride, but I want to be on it. And don’t ask me why because I have been asking that myself for days now.’ 

I can’t help but smile at his revelation. He sounds like me. Like he is gripped by something he doesn’t understand but can’t deny. 

‘Jules, I am a murderer. I have more skeletons in my closet than you can ever imagine. Are you sure you want to get involved in my life?’ I ask him. 

‘Is it weird to say that I have never been so sure about anything in my life?’ 

I look at him intently, my arms still wrapped around myself. His eyes are beautiful and open. He is serious. He wants to know me. To be whatever he can be with the Capitol watching over our shoulder. He wants to take the risk. 

‘Okay.’ I tell him. ‘I won’t promise anything because I can’t, but, yes, I want to get to know you.’ 

I can almost feel myself blushing at my own revelation. Jules’s face lights up like the Capitol while a big smile appears on his face. I smile when I see the dips in his cheeks. He does have an amazing smile. 

We walk together to finish the loop around the lake. We talk about him mostly and that is fine for now. He understands that talking about my life is hard. We will get there. Someday. Maybe. We will see. 

When we arrive at the gates of the village I stop in my tracks. In front of my house is a squad of peacekeepers waiting for my arrival. I do the math in my head. It has been almost four weeks since we returned and they went by in the blink of an eye. I was too busy with thinking about Jules to think about the Victory tour and its matching invitation to entertain the Capitol’s richest. 

My head is almost spinning about what I am going to tell Jules. We just started on the right footing and now the Capitol is already ruining everything. What do I say to a boy who just confessed to having feelings? I can’t tell him what I am going to do. I can’t tell him he wants to date a whore. 

‘Jules, I am sorry. I- I have to go to the Capitol. I totally forgot the Victory tour has started and there are an awful lot of parties we are expected to attend. I am so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.’ I tell him. 

‘Cash, it’s fine. I know you have to go. I will be fine. Find me when you return.’ He says before he nods slightly and turns around. 

I watch him till he disappears in the distance, longing for him to stay and take me away from the train that is waiting for me. With a knot in my stomach I make my way to my house. The door is wide open and the peacekeepers outside my door smirk at me as I nod to them. They are bastards but I still have manners. 

Commander Jones is draped against one of the walls playing with his service weapon. Gloss is standing in my kitchen, nervously drinking a glass of water. 

‘A miss Grimes. We have been waiting for you. You were supposed to be on a train to the Capitol by now.’ Jones tells me.

He slowly puts his weapon on the table, carefully pointing the barrel in Gloss’s direction, and makes his way over to me. I freeze in an instant, immediately back in the role they want from me. I take a few steps back in an attempt to get some space between us but my wall is too close to do any good. Before I know it I feel my back pressed against it while commander Jones traps me with his hands on either side of my head. His hand makes his way up to my cheek and while he softly strokes it I have to look away. 

Gloss tenses up even more in the corner but he knows better than to do something. 

‘ _ Princess. _ ’ Jones taunts while I feel bile rising in my throat. Hearing my pet name tells me whose orders the commander follows. ‘Get your bag right now. Don’t make me wait any longer or your dear patron will hear how you tried to seduce me to buy time.’ 

Before Jones lets me go I feel his lips on my cheek, kissing me and leaving an horrendous amount of saliva in doing so. I glance at Gloss when he finally lets me go to get my bag. His hands are balled into fists and his eyes are closed. 

I feel the tears sting in my eyes as I run up the stairs to grab my bag. Talking with Jules almost seems like a distant memory already. I have to get him out of my mind, to forget he exists for the next two weeks. He has no place in the Capitol. I don’t want him to have a place there. He already has a little chamber in my heart even if it is just as a friend. The key to that chamber has to stay here in One. I have to lock it and can’t open it until I return. He will be safe in his little chamber. Much safer than in the Capitol. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading my story. Seeing you reactions really helps me to write more. It is extremely motivating to know people want to read your stuff. I like reading comments so if you want to feel free to post some!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cash shares a moment with Gloss and someone gets a warning from Snow.

The only upside to going back is seeing Finnick again. We haven’t spoken to each other at all and I am dying to know how he is doing. I want to know how his mind is doing and If he was able to relax at all while being home. I am not mad he hasn’t called, I hardly talked to anyone after my first trip. I didn’t expect him to do it differently.

When I step out of the elevator onto the victor's floor I can’t help but check the nametacs for Una’s name. We were all pretty sure she wouldn’t be desirable enough for Tiberius’s prostitution ring but I want to make sure. I feel an enormous wave of relief when her name isn’t there. We don’t need any more victors turned prostitutes. 

The door to our apartment is unlocked and I know right away that we will find either Ena or Finnick on our couch, anxiously awaiting our arrival. Our apartment, it being bigger than the others, has turned into some sort of a meeting spot. When we need each other we meet each other here. 

A giant smile forms on my face when I notice the bronze head of hair peeking out above the back of the couch. He is watching television with his feet resting on the coffee table. He seems relaxed and if he wasn’t a victor I would love to take my chance and scare him. 

‘Since when do you devowl our coffee table with your dirty feet, mister Odair.’ Gloss jokes at him.

Finn instantly turns around, a grand smile on his face that reaches his eyes. He is doing well, I can tell immediately. He wouldn’t smile like that if he wasn’t doing well. 

‘Since you don’t care about this coffee table at all.’ Finn replies. 

‘Touché.’ Gloss chuckles. 

Gloss’s big arms wrap around the younger man's shoulders and I can see them both relax. They really bonded on our last trip. Gloss was there when I wasn’t able any more. Too tired. Too confused to be there for him. 

‘Hey buddy. It’s good to see you.’ Gloss murmurs into Finn’s hair. 

I look at them from a distance, waiting for my turn to greet my friend. I feel like I have to tell him so much but I don’t know if I can. I want to tell him about Jules, about the strange things I feel. The incredible longing to talk to the new light in my life, so great that I even faced my fears to meet him. But I don’t know if I want to risk mentioning his name in this place. Tiberius is always watching, always listening. I don’t want him to know about Jules. I want to keep him in the dark as long as I can. 

Finn and I lock eyes when they let go of each other. I know I neglected him the last time we were here. I know I tried to do my best but I couldn’t. Does he understand that? Does he understand that I was at my breaking point? Fighting to survive to live another day. Will he still accept me as his friend?

‘Hey Finn.’ 

‘Hey Cash.’ He answers while he walks over to me. 

‘Can you forgive me for last time?’ I ask him. 

I see a familiar glimmer in his eyes and the smirk around his mouth tells me he didn’t even blame me to start with. 

‘Forgive you for being human? Please Cash forget it. I am glad to see you again.’ 

His arms around me feel so familiar. He has grown in the last month because I have to stand on my toes to be able to reach the crook of his neck. When I do I smell the sea. Whatever they do to him here, they will never be able to wash away the scent of the sea. The scent that is truly him. The very essence of his life. The thing he misses the most when he is here. 

‘So you weren’t needed to welcome our newest victor in Four?’ Gloss asks. 

Finnick shrugs lightly as he lets go of me. 

‘I guess Snow’s finances are more important than welcoming Una. Besides they have Mags. She is quite enough on her own.’ 

I smile at his comment. Mags is everyone's favorite grandma. The big mother figure we all need to survive our messed up lives. There are a lot of victors who would be happy to murder each other but never Mags. Never the one person everyone trusts. 

‘When did you arrive?’ I ask. 

‘This morning. Came straight to your place after dropping my bag off. Hoped I would find you here. Or maybe catch Ena as soon as she arrived.’ 

‘Any envelopes yet?’ Gloss asks. 

Finnick nods. 

‘There were four of them on the dinner table when I came in. One for each of us, thats how I knew you were coming today. Turns out there is a big party tonight. Haven’t checked my date yet but I am sure we are all invited.’ 

I glance over at the dinner table where I find the envelopes immediately. They are all lined up, each on his own little mount, rose petals surrounding them. I feel an instant urge to vomit. 

‘Well, he sure worked on the presentation this time.’ Gloss bluntly states. ‘Let’s wait till Ena gets here before we open them. If history is to be believed none of them contain dates for this afternoon.’ 

Gloss is right. We almost always get some time to settle in before we have a date. Most of the time we don’t have to go out until the evening on our first day and if this time is different we will find out when the light starts blinking. 

For a couple of hours it is like nothing in our world is wrong. Finnick tells us about Mags, his parents and the wonderful fall in Four. We update him on Vic and the rest of our family. We talk about everything and nothing. About the simple stuff we sometimes forget. The simple stuff that gets overshadowed so easily by all the bigger things in our lives. I don’t say a word about Jules though. 

After an hour we hear the front door open and we all look over our shoulder. Enobaria is shining brightly. Her sharpened teeth, courtesy of the capitol, flicker in the light. It is strange how much we bonded through our shared misery. We are all so extremely different and yet we need each other like the family Gloss once described. In a different lifetime Ena and I wouldn’t have been able to stand each other. But in this life we are each other's lifeline. 

Slowly the four of us change back to what the Capitol expects of us. My wardrobe is filled with the latest trends in fashion, all of them customized to fit the elaborate lifestyle of the Capitol. Getting ready for a party almost feels weird. My hair has been in a permanent ponytail at home, only getting out of it to be washed, and curling it for the first time in weeks is almost a strange experience. 

I stare at myself in the mirror just like I have done so many times before. I notice I am slowly changing. The ever present sadness is slightly less visible on my face and I seem to see a slight twinkle in my eyes. What is happening? I nibble on my lower lip while I stare at myself. Something has changed and the only thing that has changed is Jules. Jules telling me he wants to take every risk in the world to know me. Will he still be so determined when he finds out what I do when I go to the Capitol? Will he still be as interested when he finds out about my debt? And the way I repay that debt? He accepted the fact that I murdered people pretty easily, but will he accept the fact that I am a whore? 

It takes me a while before I notice Gloss in the doorway to my bathroom. He is already dressed and I can see a layer of glitter in his hair. Judging the way my dresses look I say that glitter is the newest trend. Gloss takes his signature position against the doorpost, his hands in his pockets. I am already wearing the latest number with an incredibly low cleavage but Gloss isn’t staring at my dress. He is staring at me.

‘What is wrong?’ I ask him, slightly irritated. 

‘You are different.’ He states. 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask, while I let my still cooling curls fall down my shoulders. 

‘You are glowing Cash. Your eyes sparkle like I have never seen them before. And that has nothing to do with the ridiculous amount of glitter on your dress.’ 

I laugh at the grin he shows while announcing the last line of his statement. 

‘It is horrible right?’ I reply. 

‘Yes. Absolutely monstrous.’ He says as he makes his way over to me. 

He softly folds his arms around my waist and I close my eyes at his warm touch. His chin is resting on my shoulder and even through all the capitol scent he smells like home. I put down my curling iron and happily grab Gloss’s wrist to pull him closer to me. We cuddle quite a lot in the Capitol, to stay sane, but not so much at home and I have missed him. His hand moves to turn on the water and I immediately know why. Privacy. 

‘I do mean it though, you are glowing. Where were you this morning?’ He whispers in my ear. 

‘I was walking around the lake.’ I reply. 

He smiles lightly and little dimples appear that remind me of Jules. 

‘You do that a lot lately.’ He states. 

I guess it is kind of notable that I started walking a lot more. As in every single day. I feel myself nibble on my lower lip again when a soft chuckle rolls out of my mouth. 

‘Alone?’ He asks, eyebrows raised. 

I have to look away from his gaze when I lightly, almost unnoticeable, shake my head. 

‘Oh Cash.’ He says while he softly kisses my shoulder. ‘He is one very lucky guy.’ 

‘We are just talking for now. I have absolutely no clue what I am doing or how to do this. He doesn’t know anything about the real me. I have warned him but he said he didn’t care about the risks. He literally told me I was worth all the risks in the world.’ 

I almost forget to whisper and I am glad that Gloss reminds me of the fact we are in the Capitol. I breathe slowly in and out before I go on. 

‘I am just so scared. I don’t want him to get hurt and wanting to know me puts him and his family on Snow’s shit list. How do I do this Gloss? I know he would be much safer if he didn’t know me but we both can’t do that.’ 

‘Than don’t’ Gloss says. ‘Find a way to make it work. You have to be extremely careful but there must be a way. Don’t give up before you’ve tried. If he wants to take the risk and you want to take the risk, you have to grab your chance.’

‘What if he wants to run away when he finds out what we are?’ I whisper, afraid for the answer. 

Gloss stares at me in the mirror. Honesty written all over his face. 

‘You can’t stop him if he wants to. But if he can accept the fact you killed people I think he can live with something that you are forced to do. He will understand. He won’t like it but he will understand.’ 

‘Gloss I-’ I stumble. 

‘Give it time sis. Keep him out of our world as much as possible and trust that there is good left in our world. Trust in the goodness of people and trust that not all people in the world want us humiliated and weak. Give him a chance. Let him in. I like the sparkle he has already accomplished.’ 

He places another kiss on the top of my head while his hand moves to turn off the water. 

‘Are you ready?’ Gloss asks, back in his Capitol fashion. 

I nod before I follow him out of the room. 

* * *

Almost two weeks later the victory tour finally ends with the traditional Victors party at the President’s mansion and Una looks like a trapped animal. Her eyes are big and she stays close to her mentor for some guidance. I get it. I do. The capitol is overwhelmingly beautiful if you don’t know about all the filth that lives here and calls itself important. 

I haven’t met Una at all. After her victory I was too busy and tonight I am hooked up with a date who is very happy to finally be able to show me off. He never lets go of my arm and my only option to be able to breathe is when I take bathroom breaks. So I decide to drink a lot. More drinks. More breaks. 

The sound of people puking is not new to me. It happens a lot at parties who sport a wide spread buffet. But this time the puking is accompanied by the sounds of loud wailing. The cries chill me to the bone and I know there is only one person overwhelmed enough to cry like that right now. 

‘Una?’ I ask through the door of the bathroom stall.

‘I am fine. I will be out in a minute.’ She says, trying to mask the fact she is crying. 

When the door of the stall opens I can see the redness in her eyes. She looks at me like she has seen a ghost. 

‘I thought you were someone else.’ Her only explanation. 

‘That’s okay. I don’t believe we’ve met before. Hi, I am Cash-’ 

‘I know who you are. It is not like you are invisible in that horrible dress.’ She sneers and I am taken back by her for a second. She seemed so fragile but she has more guts than she lets everybody believe. 

‘Una, I am not your enemy. I am there if you need help. I know how you feel.’ 

‘You have absolutely no clue how I feel. I didn’t sign up for this shit. You wanted this life so enjoy it, but leave me alone.’ 

‘Una -’ I try. 

‘Don’t you have some rich Capitolite to fuck?’ She almost screams and I freeze. Not able to say anything before she storms out of the restroom. 

Apparently she believes the stories about the four of us. About our endless number of dates. About the way we enjoy being a victor. Hopping from bed to bed. I can’t blame her. If I didn’t know better I would think the same but it still feels like she poked a knife in between my ribs. I have to grab the sink to catch my breath. 

Una is just trying to cope, I tell myself. She is just trying to find her way in the chaos. She is from the outer districts. To her we are all Capitol lap dogs, people who are happy about the games and all they stand for. And maybe I was once. But that time is long gone. 

I wet my hands under the faucet and slowly dripple some water in my neck. I would love to splash my whole face with water but the stains that would leave are not allowed. I have to be picture perfect and beautiful. 

I almost run out of the restroom in a rush to get back to my date but I almost instantly bump into a man and before I get a chance to apologize I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight. I know the body of the man in front of me so well that I recognize it in a second. His suit is once again embellished with the sun and the smirk on his face tells me he knew perfectly well where I was. 

Helio. 

‘ _ Princess.  _ It’s wonderful to see you.’ He says while he shields my body from the rest of the party with his own. 

‘Helio. I was surprised you weren’t my date tonight. Are you here alone?’ I ask, trying to stay casual. 

‘Yes, I am.’ He says while I feel his hand find a way through the slit of my dress. His sweaty fingers claw in my thigh and I can only gasp. ‘Someone beat me at the auction for you tonight. But I always get what I want, you are mine tomorrow.’ 

His fingers move their way upward while he steps closer to me. Finnick is watching us from the corner of the room, a glass of champagne in his hand. He pretends to follow the conversation with the people around him but his real focus is on me. Our eyes lock within seconds and I can see his anger building. I try to gesture with my hand that I will be fine but his focus remains on me. 

I feel his fingers push away the thin fabric of my underwear and make their way inside of me. I have to use everything in my power to not react too much to his touch. I don’t want anybody to know what he is doing, especially not Finnick who is only meters away. 

‘Oh  _ princess,  _ you are already stinking wet for me. You get wet at just the thought of me, don’t you? You dirty whore.’ He whispers in my ear as his fingers move in and out of me. 

Block it out Cash. Don’t let anybody see what he is doing. 

I am suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of roses and blood and I know in an instant who is behind me before he says anything. 

“Mister Boggart, miss Grimes, what a lovely surprise!’ 

Helio’s hands immediately leave my underwear at the sound of our President and when they do I turn around. Snow is grinning at me and I can feel Helio’s tension beside me. 

‘Mister President, it is an honor to meet you again.’ Helio stammers, clearly nervous about the sudden presence of the most powerful man in the country. 

‘I hope you and Miss Grimes were not doing anything indecent in the middle of my party. That would be very inappropriate.’ 

Helio blushes like I have never seen before and I can’t help but laugh behind my teeth at how childish he looks. He thinks he is the boss but in the end he still answers to Snow. 

‘No, sir. Of course not.’ Helio manages. 

‘Good.’ Snow says while looking at me. ‘I trusted you with Miss Grimes’s patronage and I hope you are not abusing your position. It is your job to keep her safe and make sure she is getting all her work done. Last time I checked you are not on her client list tonight so you have no right to touch her unless she stopped wearing her seal of patronage. Did you, Miss Grimes?’

‘No, sir.’ I answer, showing him the ring around my finger. 

Snow smirks again but this time I am happy to see it. For once he has made my day by putting Helio in his place and I can’t thank him enough. 

‘I also received a quite disturbing report from one of my oldest friends Caius de Poitiers. He told me Miss Grimes was still severely injured the last time he saw her. All of my working victors now how to revive themselves, the only reason she was still showing injuries can be because she was so injured that our excellent Capitol medicine didn’t work. Don’t let it happen again, Mister Boggart. Or you might be the one who needs our healthcare system instead of her.’ He says, loud enough for the both of us to hear.

‘It won’t happen again, sir.’ Helio stammers, eyes pointed downward. 

‘Good. Now, I believe you have work to do Miss Grimes.’

‘Yes, sir.’ I say, giving him a slight nod, not able to hide the smile on my face. 

When I turn around I can see Finnick sporting a wide smile as well. He strategically came closer to me during my talk with our beloved President. He probably heard every word. For a moment I don’t care about anything and I slip my arm around Finnick’s. Once we turn the corner I look him into his eyes. 

‘Well, that was something.’ He says, an unprecedented glimmer in his eyes. 

“Never thought I would thank Snow for anything but that was - wow.’ I can only say. 

I feel Finn’s arms around my shoulders as he pulls me to his chest. His warm embrace supporting me in my temporary rush of joy. 

‘You know what I call that?’ Finn whispers in my ear. 

‘Hmm?’

‘A small victory.’ 

* * *

I could be imagining it, but all of us seem to have some easy dates this time around. Maybe Snow’s words got through to Helio and as a result to Tiberius. Maybe they told our clients to go easy to stay on Snow’s good side. Maybe it was a coincidence. None of us will complain about it. Even if my clients want to strap me to their bed, they are gentle. Using fur lined handcuffs or a tie to do the deed. 

The week after the party I find Caius' name on my card and even though I now know he is close friends with the President, I owe him one. He made the situation better for not just me but all of us and for that I am grateful. My smile is almost genuine when I walk through his front door. 

‘Caius, I missed you.’ I say in a seductive purr. 

He definitely knows I play a role when I am with him but he doesn’t seem to mind. If anything he only seems to enjoy our little roleplay. 

‘Oh honey, not as much as I missed you.’ Caius says as he pulls me into a kiss. 

When he embraces me tightly I hug him back. Most of the time I try to play along with my clients wishes but I never initiate anything. Caius is different. He is genuinely sweet and caring. He wants me to enjoy our encounters as much as he does. Even the date with Gloss and Caius was born out of something he thought I would like. And of course that does not make up for me being forced to be with him and him paying for my time, but it is different than most of them. Most of them just want to get off and don’t even care about how I feel about that. 

‘Caius, I want to thank you.’ I whisper as I lean into his embrace. 

‘For what, honey?’ He asks. 

I pull back a little to look into his eyes, which are big and inviting. 

‘For telling the President about our last encounter. The state I was in, the injuries I still had. My dates have been considerably gentler and so have those of my fellow victors. Thanks to you.’ 

He nods softly. 

‘I just didn’t like seeing you in pain. Those markings on your wrist looked terribly painful and those red markings on your back weren’t any better. I know you tried to hide them with make up but you couldn’t fool me this time.’ He tells me. 

Caius is not so bad, I tell myself. He really cares. He cares how I feel. He cares for my well being. Is it bad to think good things about a capitolite who purchases me because he can? Is it wrong to see some of the good things in this man? This man, who is so powerful that he has a direct line of communication with our President. This man who is responsible for a little bit of rest in our lives, even though it is only for his own benefit. 

‘You know I am still forced to do this, don’t you? I’ve never wanted any of this.’ I whisper.

‘Of course I know that, honey, but that does not mean I want you to suffer more than you already do.’ He tells me. 

I kiss him gently on his lips to accompany my thank you and he answers my kiss instantly. I feel his hands roam my body and find their way to the zipper of the short cocktail dress I am wearing. 

‘Besides, I don’t like my purchase damaged. That’s not what I pay for.’ 

And that’s it. Enough of the sentimental blabbering. Back to business. He still purchased me, he still wants what he bought me for. Even though he is gentle, he is still a Capitolite. He is still an awfully rich man who has disturbing fantasies about sharing a bed with a teenager. 

Some things will never change. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I have a 1000 views! When I started posting this fic I was struggling with a terrible writers block, you guys have given me so much inspiration to keep writing. Thank you! I like your comments!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules and Cash get to know each other a bit better.

I almost feel silly as I hide myself in the bushes next to the grocery store. Why am I hiding? Why am I not comfortably sitting on my couch in my living room, trying to relax after another three weeks in the Capitol? Why am I here, in the freezing cold in the middle of the district staring at a building? 

Do I want to see him so bad? I have been longing to talk to Jules every day for the last three weeks. Longing to talk to someone who doesn’t know a damn thing about my secret life. Who sees me as Cashmere the Victor and not Cashmere the Whore. It sounds small but it is more important to me than I want to admit. 

It is nearing the end of training time and I am anxiously waiting for Jules to step out of the door. I arrived home two hours ago but I did not want to interrupt his work again, afraid of the consequences he may face for that. I want the least amount of people to know that we talk to each other. Gloss knows there is someone but I never gave him a name and I don’t plan on giving him the name till I know more about our future together. No need to risk too much attention. 

So that is why I have been staring at the door of the academy for the last 30 minutes, hidden by some freakish plant that really wants to be called a tree, judging by its size. 

Students, mostly the younger ones, filter out of the doors in little groups but there is no sign of him. No sign of the one person who has been in my mind at least once every day since I left One. I tried to keep him in the little chamber in my head, and in conversations I did, but he came out every night when I was alone in my bed. I asked myself so many times what he would think if he saw me in the Capitol. Would he still be interested if he knew how different I was? Would he still be interested if he saw me trapped in the arms of another man?

I am awakened from my stream of thought by the sound of laughter. When I look at the door I can see Jules walking out with a large bag hanging from his shoulder. Augustus by his side, both smiling and laughing. I try to put away the thought that this boy will most likely travel to the Capitol with us in six months but I can’t help but feel weird at seeing him so alive. How can that boy make a choice like that when he has so much left to live for? 

I don’t hesitate when I step out of my hiding spot. Augustus has seen me with Jules before so why bother keeping it a secret from him. I have to assemble all the courage in my body to make my way over to him, but I do. 

‘Jules?’ I ask. 

The two men immediately stop talking and turn around. Surprise is visible on both their faces.

‘Cashmere, you are back! Since when?’ Jules enthusiastically says. 

‘About two hours ago. I didn’t want to intervene with your work, so I waited.´ 

‘You waited here?’ He asks.

I instantly feel the tension rise in my body. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me right now? What if I took things way too far in my head and he isn’t even interested anymore? I left him in the dark for almost three weeks. What if he checked into Capitol gossip and heard about my escapades in the Capitol? What if he read who I was seen with this time? 

‘Not for the whole two hours. But yes, I waited. And I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I just - We just have to be careful about being seen together. I -’ I start to rant. 

‘Cashmere, calm down. It’s fine. I am just glad to see you.’ He says while grabbing my wrist in order to calm me down. 

An unwanted shiver runs down my spine, just like when Gloss touched me after our first time together. Jules realizes his mistake immediately and lets go of my wrist before I can pull away. 

‘I’m sorry. Force of habit, I didn’t mean to startle you.’ He apologizes. 

I can see Augustus watching our conversation, a look of confusion on his face. 

‘It’s fine. It is not your fault. Give it a few days and I will be able to endure human touches again.’ I almost whisper. 

Jules eyebrows raise in confusion but he doesn’t ask. 

‘Can we go somewhere to talk?’ I ask him. ‘Do you have a place of your own?’ 

He nods. 

‘Yes, we can. We just have to wait for Neva, I promised my mother to bring her home. Gus, I will see you tomorrow.’ He says, gesturing for Augustus to leave. 

We remain silent for a little while, staring awkwardly at each other. 

‘So how was the Capitol?’ He asks. 

‘Forgettable as always.’ I answer without a second thought. ‘Only Finnick and Enobaria make the trips worthwhile.’ 

‘Seriously, that bad?’ Jules laughs. 

‘Even more bad than you can imagine.’ I reply. 

‘Noted.’

‘So how was One while I was gone?’ I ask him. 

‘Just like it always is. Drowsy, grey and dull. Especially since I did not have you to talk to.’ 

I instantly start blushing. What is it with this man? Is he seriously flirting with me with such a simple question? And why do I let him. I am used to a lot of flirting and dirty talk, but never have words touched me so much as now. 

‘Well, you were probably busy enough. The games are less than six months away. Some of your kids must be training to get just good enough to win that stupid game.’

_ Oh here I go again. He is nice and I respond by being a bitch. Way to go, Cashmere.  _

‘Well, as a matter of fact, I have been quite busy. Some of the kids are backing out, others are training harder than ever. The serious ones take up a lot of my time. Especially Gus.’ He tells me, not at al moved by my outburst. 

How can he be like this? How can he be so calm about all of this? About these kids and their absolutely destructive way of thinking?

‘Jules!’ Someone behind him screams and I instantly know who it must be. 

Neva is everything I imagined her to be. Tall, toned and beautiful. The same fear that Jules holds grips me instantly. If she volunteers and somehow survives she will be doomed. Tiberius might even manipulate the gamemakers to fix a victory for her. Who knows what he will do. Rumours say that he somehow fixed Finn’s games to tip the scale in Finn’s favour. I don’t think I will be able to bear that. To prep her for this life. I can’t let that happen to Neva. I can't let that happen to Jules. 

The girl flings herself at her brother, throwing her arms around his neck and embracing him tightly. 

‘Neva, I would like you to meet Cashmere. Cashmere, meet my little sister Neva.’ 

Neva looks at me with wide open eyes. Taking in every inch of me. 

‘You’re Cashmere? As in victor Cashmere?’ She asks in disbelief. 

I can’t help but laugh at her amazement, 

‘Yeah, that is kind of me I guess.’ 

‘Jules! You never told me you knew her. Why did you not tell me?’ She teases as she slaps him playfully on his upper arm. 

‘Because I don’t have to tell you about everything in my life and because Cashmere wanted to keep our friendship out of the public eye for personal reasons.’ 

My personal reasons being Helio. And Tiberius. And Snow. Most definitely Snow. 

‘Come on. Let me take you home. I promised mom I would not let you wander alone in the dark.’ Jules tells Neva, placing his hand on her lower back. 

She pouts like a little child about him not telling her about me but I can see she is joking. I instantly sense the strong bond between them. They need each other despite their large age gap. Losing their father must have made them stronger just like the games have made Gloss and I closer than ever. Neva clings to Jules for protection and warmth. She clings to him for guidance. He would be absolutely destroyed if something happened to her. 

‘Are you coming with us?’ Neva asks me. Both her and Jules looking at me for an answer. 

‘We will drop Neva off at my moms house, it is only a block away, and then we can talk at my place if you still want that.’ Jules suggests and I slowly nod to agree with him. 

I see a grin appear on his face as he slowly starts walking. Neva is still clinging to his arm and I walk beside them, my arms folded around my body. 

‘So Cashmere. How do you know my brother?’ Neva asks.

‘Well, he sort of busted me while I was staring at the lake a few weeks ago. I told him to go away but he was stubborn and kept talking. And now we’re here.’ I tell her. 

‘And where is here exactly?’ 

‘Neva, don’t.’ Jules says, kind but firm. I get why he teaches at the academy. He has a power in his voice that I haven’t heard before. 

‘Jules, I am just curious. Everyone tells me that no one ever talks to the victors and now you’re here talking to our newest one like it is nothing. No offence by the way.’ 

Jules wants to skold her but I won’t let him. 

‘No it’s fine Jules. Neva has every right to be curious, I would be. My brother and I do keep a lot of people out of our lives, for good reasons, but I guess your brother is very persistent in getting to know me.’ I reply. ‘And I guess that is right what we are doing. Getting to know each other.’ 

Neva shrugs a little. Letting it go for now. She is very curious and bold, I have to give her that. 

‘So what is it like?’ She asks me. 

‘What is what like?’ I reply.

‘Being a victor! Living in one of those big, shiny mansions, having all the money you can wish for! Seeing the Capitol in all its glory!’ 

Neva is only two and a half years younger than me but the way we think is like the sun and the moon. Totally different. I can’t blame her. Before I volunteered I thought the exact same things about the victors in their marble houses. When I was her age I was already aware of the truth. The pain and horror that rages beyond those thick wooden doors. The screams so often heard in our little village and the dread in the hearts of those who live there. 

The glory of the capitol is a farce. The dream of a paradise that doesn’t exist. A blinking and shining mask to hide the harsh and ugly truth. The always ongoing war for power which makes casualties every day. There is nothing beautiful about the place but anyone who tells that truth will end up regretting every word they mentioned. 

‘Don’t get your hopes up for something that isn’t worth it.’ I cryptically tell her. ‘If you want to know more about it all, I will tell you but not today. I just came back from the place, I want it out of my head.’ 

To my surprise she accepts my answer without a complaint. 

When they stop in front of a small house to say goodbye I keep my distance. I wait patiently a few meters away and when I see the front door of the house open I step back even more, hiding myself in the shadows. Jules’s mom might be a wonderful woman but she is one more person who can be protected by having no connection to me at all. I see her hug both her children, her hugs filled with love. Does Jules know that he will risk all of this? All of this just to know me? 

I see his mother kiss him on both his cheeks before he hugs his sister one more time. He then turns around, a big smile on his face, his eyes searching for me. He remains silent as the door closes behind him before he whispers my name. 

I hesitate for a moment. Now is my chance to turn around. To let him live his life. My head tells me we don’t even stand a chance. No one in their right mind would risk his wonderful family to have a chance at something with a whore like me. 

But my heart beats like it never has before. My heart tells me he already made his choice. He made it weeks ago. He knows I am broken and he still thinks I am worth it. I have to at least give him a chance. 

‘Cashmere, you don’t have to hide for my family. They will not hurt you.’ Jules whispers as soon as he notices me in the shadows. 

‘But that doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt them.’ I reply. 

He sighs. 

‘You would never do that on purpose. You are not responsible for everything the Capitol might do. Now come on, I want to show you my house.’ 

I see him extend his hand to me and we both know this is something else. If I grab his hand, there is no way back. If someone sees us like that they will know. But it is dark. There is no one outside at this hour and even if they were they will probably not be able to see who we are. 

Without thinking about it anymore I extend my own hand. I let only my fingertips brush the palm of his hand, softly laying them down for him to grab. And he does. He slowly closes his hand to grab my fingertips, a slight smile on his face. There is absolutely no pressure on my fingers, he is holding them like they are made of glass. Maybe my reaction earlier scared him to touch me too harshly but I am glad he is considering my feelings. It’s nice to have someone think about me for once. 

‘Come, we are almost there.’ He tells me.

It feels almost unreal. We are doing something I never thought possible. I am walking hand in hand, with a guy I seriously start to like, in the middle of the district. It doesn’t matter to me that it is dark. It doesn’t matter that there is nothing serious between us. It almost feels like I am dreaming. 

_ Come on, Cashmere. You two are just holding hands. Well technically he is holding your fingertips. It is just holding hands.  _

And it is, but it feels huge. 

He gently leads me to his house. In the Capitol they would call it a studio, stuffed away in the basement of a tenement building. It is not big but it is perfect for someone who lives alone. His bed and couch are separated by a curtain to create some sort of a two room feeling. His kitchen is small and old but has everything to make it work. 

‘I am sorry about the mess.’ He apologizes as he leads me through the door. ‘I wasn’t expecting visitors.’ 

I laugh slightly.

'You don’t seriously think I keep that white castle spotless and clean? I am used to the mess.’ I tell him. 

Jules gestures to me to sit down on his couch and I gladly do while he walks over to the kitchen to grab us something to drink. The pillows on his couch are old and I can feel the springs peak through the leather. We don’t have to starve like some people in the outer districts do but we still live in a district of our great Panem. A country that is only good for the people living in the Capitol itself. 

‘I am sorry about Neva. She should not have put you on the spot like that.’ He says while he hands me a cup of tea which I take gladly. 

‘It’s fine. Can’t blame her for being curious, I would be to.’ I reply. 

I only notice how cold my hands are when I wrap them around the steaming hot cup. Winters can get cold in One and I hadn’t noticed my hands were freezing. 

‘So, last time we talked about me. Can we talk a little about you now? Just the family stuff would be fine.’ He asks softly. 

He deserves to know right? Telling him about some of my life can’t hurt. 

‘Well, mom and dad are both factory workers, making jewelry for as long as I can remember. Got five kids running around of which I am the youngest. Lux, the oldest, married Mia last year, they are living two streets over. Then we have Silver who is still alone and after him Fibre, who of course married Rosie and they have little Vic. My parents stopped having children after that. Thinking they had enough mouths to feed but then mom got pregnant again and Gloss was born. Well, Gloss’s life is public knowledge. Got reaped and won the games at sixteen, lives in one of those big houses bla bla bla. And then I was there one year after Gloss, finally a girl. Mom was so happy to have a girl. She loves all of us but she loved braiding my hair and dressing me in her self made dresses. My brothers always protected me with all their strength. They will do everything for me.’ 

Jules stares at me, waiting for more information. But I remain silent. 

‘What? I don’t have to tell you I volunteered for those stupid games at sixteen and managed to survive them! You already know that. No use in putting the spotlight on the biggest mistake of my life.’ 

Jules remains silent for a while, staring at his cup of tea. 

‘You really hate the games.’ He states. 

‘Yes. I do. You would too if you knew what they really are. But you still have that fantasy in your head that they are some great way to fame. A way to get rich and never have another worry in your life.’ 

I take a deep breath before I continue. 

‘What are you going to do, Jules? What are you going to do when Gus volunteers this year and is sent away with my brother and me to hell. He is sure he will survive but he still has a 96 percent chance to die. To end up in a cheap wooden box and be shipped home just like his sister. What will you do? Will you blame Gloss and me just like everybody does? Just like Gus does for Ava’s death?’ 

‘Cash, he doesn’t blame -’ Jules tries. 

‘Your kids are fantasizing about something that doesn’t even exist. This life that they are imagining doesn’t exist. They are throwing their whole freaking lives away for nothing. And if you don’t believe me ask Gloss. I’ll even get you Finnick’s number if you don’t get it, he is even younger than Neva and already a victor for more than a year. Ask him about this ‘wonderful’ life.’ 

‘I get it Cash. You are not exactly good at hiding your emotions in front of me. But I am curious, why did you volunteer?’ 

‘Because I was jealous and stupid.’ I sigh. ‘Gloss had returned a victor and scooped up all the attention. He ignored me for the most part, which I now know was only to protect me, and my teenage brain wanted the attention back. All five of us attended the academy. It was very easy to train harder and get myself ready for the games. Being Gloss’s sister did surely help, people thought I would be destined to do the same thing as he did.’ 

Jules laughs.

‘Well, they were right about that. You did win.’ 

When I look at him I see a twinkle in his eyes. 

‘Seriously though. What are you going to do with Gus in the games? How did you do it with Benson?’ 

Jules sighs heavily. 

‘Honestly, I don’t know. Benson was only a pupil, still sad to see him go but for me just as sad as any other student in the last couple of years. Gus is different. The pain he feels for Ava reminds me of my dad and although his motives to volunteer are legit, I don’t want him to go.’

‘Well, that makes two of us. But if it were up to me, no one would go.’ 

I stare at the curtain in the middle of his room for a while. The fabric softly moving in the breeze that comes through the open windows. This house is so different from my own. My big elaborate house filled with beautiful and brand new furniture, filled with rooms I don’t use and bugs I don’t want. Would I have ended up in a house like this if I didn’t volunteer? Stowed away in the basement of a building but free to say and do what I want?

‘Tell me about your life.’ 

I jerk my head towards him looking for the joke, but it doesn’t show. 

‘I - I can’t.’ I reply, looking away again. 

‘You don’t have to tell me all of it. Tell me a little bit every time we see each other. Help me understand you. We can take small steps.’ 

‘I don’t know where to start.’ I tell him. 

He smiles at me. 

‘That’s okay. Start with something simple. Tell me about your house. What is your house like?’ He asks. 

And that’s when I start talking. I start talking and I don’t stop. I tell him a lot over the next couple of weeks. Always late at night, always at his place. We make sure no one sees us leave together and we make sure we don’t talk about each other. Jules tells me that Neva has been asking questions but she is keeping quiet about our meetings to anybody else. 

Every time we meet I tell a little bit more. I tell him about my games. About the never ending pressure of the Capitol. I tell him about my fear of getting someone hurt because I overstep a line. I tell him about Gloss. I tell him about Tania and Crispin and eventually we get to Benson and Ava. I tell him about the strain of mentoring teenagers to their deaths. 

And he listens. He listens to every word I tell him. He listens to my recalls of my endless nightmares. He asks questions at the right time and never pushes me to tell more than I want. His couch becomes my new safe haven. 

I never mention one thing though. I never mention what I am forced to do. Too scared that he will run away when he learns about that secret. 

We don’t put a label on ourselves. Not only because that would never be allowed by the Capitol, for reasons which Jules still doesn’t understand, but also because we like it the way we are. We like the closeness we feel and right now that is all I need. 

Being dragged back to the Capitol for reasons I can’t explain to him hurts me immensely. I know I can’t refuse but putting Jules away in the same little chamber he was in last time seems almost impossible. The thoughts of him visit me every night and I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. In one way he keeps me sane but it also feels very wrong to think of him after I have shared a bed with another. 

Jules seems genuinely different after our talks. He tells me he is tasked with coaching Gus for the last bit till the games and he is quite scared of what will happen. My stories about the games have made him rethink everything he ever thought real and he has long and tiring talks with Gus about it. He is desperately trying to talk Gus out of it and it looks like he is making some progress. 

In the weeks leading up to the games I grow weary again. Everytime I wait for Jules under the bushes near the academy I feel a dread filling my heart. The two kids who will most probably be dead in a few weeks are right there. Right under my nose, training like they stand a chance. The dread of the games is mixed with dread about another round of Capitol clients. Despite Tiberius’s efforts to make us a year round attraction we are still most popular around the Games and the Victory tour. 

The week before the games I turn silent completely. Jules and I just sit next to each other on his couch, both of us not saying anything. Being near him calms me somehow but as soon as I leave his door I feel the emotions return to my bones. Gloss has locked himself in his house in an attempt to distance himself from the sadness that washes over the district with reaping day coming up. They can say that we are all careers, but most of us are still frightened people hoping to keep the terrors of the games out of our households. 

Reaping day arrives and I am extremely nervous, as always. As I wait on the podium for the reaping to start I look around the crowd to spot a familiar pair of eyes. I spot them almost instantly, they look distant and closed off but they still notice me. Jules is standing at the sides, arms crossed within arms reach of his sister. 

I don’t even notice the name of the girl that is reaped before a tall seventeen year old called Mezma volunteers. My eyes instantly lock with Jules, relief written all over them. Neva is safe for another year. 

We aren’t so lucky in the boy department. Jules was sure he had turned the boy around, made him see that he had a life outside of the games. That he was worth something more than being a tribute. But in the end his willingness to avenge Ava was stronger. 

I look at Jules when the boy volunteers and I see an instant sadness wash over him. He and I both know that the boy that leaves this place will not return the same. When his full name is called and the boy joins us on stage I can see the realisation hit Gloss. He looks at me in disgust and I nod at him to confirm his suspicions. The auburn curly hair, the name. Our new tribute is Augustus Braun. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 67th Hunger Games.

I watch in horror as I see the distraught look on the mother’s face. Last year she was here for her eldest daughter. Now she is here for her son. A frightening looking boy, about 8 years old clings to her leg along with a small girl who is even younger. My god he has siblings, I say to myself. He has a shit load of leverage against him. 

Behind them I can see Jules lingering in the shadows. He has just said his final words to Gus and I know he wants to talk to me. He is probably too afraid to make the choice to talk to me in public. We lock eyes for a moment and I nod at him. We can tell everyone this is just a trainer wanting the best for its pupil. 

‘Jules, what happened? I thought you had talked him out of it.’ 

Jules sighs heavily not meeting my eyes. 

‘I really thought I did. I thought he understood after I told him bits of what you told me. But apparently he was still set to do this. I am sorry, Cash. I am.’ He whispers.

‘If it wasn’t him it would be another boy his age. I just, I don’t want to hurt you, but you know I can’t do anything to help him. He has to do this on his own. We can only put him in the picture and hopefully get him what he needs. But that is all.’ I tell him.

Gloss is looking at us with a curious look on his face. Well, one thing is certain, I don’t have to keep Jules a secret from Gloss anymore. 

‘I know, Cash. But promise me you will try.’ 

‘I promise. We always try.’ I say as Gloss nods in agreement. For a short moment I wonder why we try. Does this life beat death? Maybe it doesn’t, maybe we would all be better off if we had died in our arenas. The only thing that makes surviving it rewarding is sparing another family the heartbreak of losing a child. 

He looks at me in understanding while he slowly grabs my hand. His fingers barely holding mine but squeezing lighty to reassure me. We linger in our stance a little longer than I want to but letting go will mean goodbye. It will mean another trip to the capitol with Jules in the back of mind. 

Eventually he lets go and I already miss him. He nods in understanding at Gloss before he turns around.

There he goes, already destroyed by the fact that he will probably never see Gus again. Tributes come back in closed boxes for a reason. 

‘Jules!’ I scream after him. Not caring about everyone who can hear me. 

He looks around with tears in his eyes. I have never seen him cry before and it hurts me to the bone. 

‘Take care of them.’ I say, loud enough for him to hear but lost in the chatter around the room for anyone else. 

He nods. 

‘Find me as soon as you get back.’ He tells me. 

I sigh heavily as I see him walk away. I don’t want him to go but I know he has to. He has to for the safety of so many people. 

‘Come on, Cash.’ Gloss tells me as he puts his hand on my lower back to guide me towards the train station. 

After dropping off our stuff in our own compartments we immediately head for the common area to wait for Augustus and Mezma. Both of them show no emotion when they enter the train, a typical career way of looking at this whole thing. Not showing any emotion, treating it as a business conversation. 

Both Mezma and Gus immediately want to talk about strategy and we have to slow them down. We will get enough time to talk about strategy now is the time to get to know them a bit better. It is hard getting to know them before we lose them but it is essential to make the collaboration work. 

‘First question for the both of you. Why did you volunteer?’ Gloss asks them and both of them seem taken aback a bit. 

‘What do you mean?’ Mezma asks. 

‘Why did you volunteer? The question is not that hard.’ 

‘I want to become a victor. Bring glory to our district.’ Mezma answers. 

Gloss and I look at each other. The typical career response. 

‘What about you?’ Gloss asks, focussing his attention on Augustus. 

‘I want to avenge Ava. I want to kill the tributes from Two to make them pay for what the bitch from last year did to my sister.’ He tells us. 

I can’t blame him. Ava’s death wasn’t pretty, caught off guard by Angy and murdered before she even knew what was happening. Ava was powerful, had enough sponsors and enough skill which made her Angy’s first victim. The most dangerous had to go first. 

‘Well, if you want to form an allegiance with Two and Four you best keep those words to yourself.’ Gloss tells him. 

‘Yeah, I know. And I will. I will make our perfect alliance and when they trust me, I will stab them in the back like they did to Ava.’ Gus gloats and I believe him without a doubt. 

It is not about winning, winning would be nice and probably best for his already grieving family. It’s about revenge. Revenge for Ava. Revenge for the games. 

‘Are you really as good as your trainer told me just before we left?’ I ask him, looking intently at him. 

Gus looks at me with confusion in his eyes. He is probably wondering why I don’t mention Jules’s name but if he is as smart as I think he is he will not make a point about it. He also knows I have seen him train, but Gloss hasn’t and Gloss is officially his mentor. 

‘I am mostly good with swords, all kinds of them. But he also taught me to fight with knives. A little bit of throwing.’ 

I can see Gloss smile lightly. 

Mezma trained pretty much all round. She is good with a lot of weapons but tells me that she prefers small axes. Her choice surprises me. Mostly axes are handled by tributes from Seven and even though I know they are available at the academy they are never chosen. Never until now. 

After a short talk we send both of them to their rooms to have some time to themselves and Gloss and I do the same. Alone time is precious during the games and we take as much of it as possible. I can feel Gloss wants to talk to me about Jules but we both know this train is littered with bugs. No conversation we have here is private. 

While Augustus and Mezma are stripped and polished for the tribute parade, Gloss and I get our yearly check up. We both receive our birth control shots, a little tube that is inserted in our upper arms that supposedly keeps us safe for a year, and each get asked a dozen of question about our sex lives. I am really glad we only have these check ups once a year because they are extremely embarrassing. When we are almost done Ena comes bursting through the door, hugging us both despite the docter’s protest. 

‘So, did  _ seaweed  _ arrive yet?’ Ena asks and I can’t hide a laugh. 

Seaweed is Ena’s nickname for Finn because of his love for district Four bread, that he hardly gets to eat due to his diet restrictions. Both Gloss and he are on strict diets, especially in the Capitol, and have to work out to stay in their games shape. Ena and I get a little more room to eat what we like but even our carbs intake seems to be restricted. 

‘He will be here in an hour or so. Four is a little bit farther away than One and Two.’ Gloss tells her. 

‘I know that dumbass, I was just hoping to see him. I kind of miss all of you when I am alone in Two.’ Ena isn’t often sentimental and I can tell she is going through a rough time just now. 

I want to joke about her relationship with Brutus and about the existence of phones to call any of us, but I don’t. She is fragile, this isn’t the moment. 

‘I just really needed to see all of you. To know you are all still here.’ She says. 

‘Even Finn?’ I ask, still remembering the way she hated him for increasing our amount of clients. 

‘Even  _ seaweed,  _ he can be annoying as hell but god, I miss all of you when I am home.’ 

She sighs heavily. 

‘You do know it is rude to talk about someone behind their back.’ I hear from the doorway. The voice is extremely familiar and has a hinge of humor to it. 

The three of us look at him at the same time and he immediately makes his way over to us to give us a hug. We are intertwined in some sort of mash up of limbs, just holding on to each other for minutes. We are a messed up bunch of young adults, scarred by our own actions and the world around us. 

I really want to talk to them some more but the demanding voice of our doctor breaks us apart, telling Gloss and me we are done and Ena and Finnick to strip for examination. Knowing our little private time is over we both leave. 

It doesn’t take long for Gloss to receive his first envelope, this time I will be in charge of our tributes until the parade and we will switch places afterwards. While Gloss gets ready I get down to the bar to meet some of the other victors. Gus and Mezma are in good hands and will be delivered to us just before the parade. I still have to change before that but I will have enough time to do so. 

Down in the bar I meet the part of our family that only comes to the capitol once a year to send children to their deaths. I envy them. I envy their freedom to love who they want to, even though the threat of their loved ones dying at the hands of Snow is always there. They still have the guilt and the nightmares, I tell myself, just not the burden of spreading their legs once they’re here. 

The people in the bar are a rare mixture of people having nothing but one thing in common. There is Haymitch and Chaff, already on the verge of drunkenness, drowning out the inevitable deaths of their tributes. The thin looking children from Eleven and Twelve almost never make it past the bloodbath and the reaping footage shows us this year will probably have the same outcome. 

Una is looking around like she is totally lost. Hyde, the other district Ten mentor is glued to her side but I get that she is overwhelmed. As a tribute you just follow along, as a mentor you have to find a way through the chaos. Garner, from Nine, and Cecilia, sporting a bulging belly, are talking with them trying to make Una more comfortable. Seeing Cecilia pregnant hits a nerve near my heart. Her children will never be safe, but at least she is allowed to have them. Woof, the other half of the district Eight mentoring duo, is sitting half a sleep on one of the couches in the corner. He has been around for quite a while and doesn’t talk much. 

Blight and Jack, the latter the victor of the 60th games, are sharing a drink at the bar with Watson and Nicola from Five. Jack is just a year older than Enobaria and he was pretty handsome when he went into the games. He, however, came out with a terrible scar on his face that was too deep to fix, which probably saved him from being the first victor turned whore. Leaving that honor to Ena. Blight and he have been mentoring the district Seven tributes for the last five years, not having a female victor to mentor for the girl.

The morphlings from Six, Raven and Lexus, are absent as always, probably too high to have a normal conversation anyway, just like the mentoring couple from Three, Wiress and Beetee, who are probably coming up with the next genius gadget to make the Capitol happy. Mags is trying to have a normal conversation with Brutus, smiling her way through his endless rants about his muscles. Seeing Mags and Brutus alone tells me that I am the only one that got some time to adjust before having a client. The rest of us are already on their backs with their legs spread to make money for our beloved President. I decide to join Mags and Brutus with a drink, not knowing who else to turn to. Normally I spent all my time with our inner circle, but none of them are here now. 

Gloss turns up right in the middle of my meeting with Mezma and Gus. I had spotted Enobaria joining her team earlier and shortly after that Finn had made his first appearance among the victors. Haymitch had thrown me an understanding look and I could see the glances of some of the other victors at the late arrival of the three of them. Word must be getting around in our family. I can’t blame them for it, none of the other victors arrive at their tribute’s sides this late. They must know we have a legit reason. 

Gus and Mezma look great in their costumes that are supposed to be shining diamonds. Both of their costumes are very revealing and I know just what kind of sponsors they will attract.  _ Let it go, Cash. You need the sponsors, you will figure this out afterwards if you need to.  _ As the chariots pull out I watch in anticipation. I told them to play the crowds, to make themselves loved and Gus is doing a wonderful job. Somewhere inside me a glimmer of hope grows. If he is good at this, if they love him, we might be able to get him what he needs, we might be able to get him out. 

All of our plans work. Gus and Mezma perform well during training and are both mesmerizing in their interviews. Sponsor deals for the both of them roll in before the games even start and Gus is doing everything to get the alliance working. I feel kind of guilty towards Ena, knowing that Gus will most likely try to stab his allies in the back, but I don’t want to destroy his plans before he gets a chance to try them out. The night before the launch both Gloss and I are out. It is not ideal but they have Melia to talk to if they really need it. Most of them spend the evening before launch alone in their rooms anyways. 

All of our plans work, until one doesn’t. Mezma dies in the bloodbath at the hands of a small boy from Ten who happens to throw a knife in exactly the right spot. It is probably more luck than skill but the effect is all the same. Mezma is dead and the boy from Four kills the boy from Ten shortly after, as revenge for killing one of their own. I am stunned for more than ten minutes after her death. All her years of training for this one moment were gone in just under five minutes of game time. 

Still dazed, I head for the bar leaving Gloss with Melia. I can see looks from both Finn and Ena but they have more important business right now. Their tributes are still alive. Never have my games been over so soon and it feels wrong. Is this what the non-career victors experience every year? Losing hope the minute the tributes get of the platforms? 

Haymitch is already in the bar, hunched over a glass of something strong. He has this experience almost every year. Making this trip with two kids who won’t even make it one day in the arena. I slowly sit down beside him ordering a glass of water, not sure if alcohol is the right choice for me now. 

‘Cashmere Grimes, I didn’t suspect to see you here so early. Lost her already?’ Haymitch asks, his voice surprisingly clear for the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream. 

‘Yeah, and it feels shit.’ I reply. 

‘Welcome to the club, sweetheart.’ He says as he takes another sip of his drink. 

I stare at him for a moment. His hair is greasy, curly and a bit too long. It is almost pitch black and although he has obviously been styled by someone in the Capitol, his clothes are roughed up and dirty. Like he doesn’t even care. And maybe he doesn’t. A river of pain can be seen in his grey eyes, caused by so many years of mentoring. 

‘See it this way. One less whore for Snow.’ Haymitch bluntly tells me and I am taken aback by his sudden notion of my secret. 

‘I - ‘ I try, but nothing comprehensive comes out of my mouth. 

‘For what it’s worth, I am sorry. We all are.’ He tells me.

I feel a sudden urge to scream and cry and curse everything in this stupid world. I want to tell Haymitch everything. About every encounter, every client, life on the victors floor and all our trips in between the games. About my fears for every new victor. But I know that it will only get me into more trouble than it is worth. People pay for the secrecy that comes with our company and breaching that may cost someone's life. 

Instead I lower my head onto the bar, weeping softly into the fabric on my arm. Haymitch sits silently beside me. He knows that it is not always the best thing to stop someone’s tears. Sometimes it’s better to let them flow. Crying can help a lot if you let it. 

After a while he places a soft hand on my upper back, not in any way forceful and in a matter that can not be interpreted wrong. 

‘We always knew Snow would do terrible things to keep us in line. But what he is doing to the four of you. I just - I never thought he would sink this low.’ He tells me softly, both of us know that someone is probably listening to our conversation. 

‘Does everybody know?’ I ask him, lifting my head slightly to look at him. 

Haymitch nods. 

‘We are a family, sweetheart. We will always be there for each other no matter how fucked up our lives are. All of us were relieved that Una has the same sex appael as a sack of potatoes.’ 

I laugh at his comment. It might be blunt but even her stylist can’t change that part of her. 

‘Has she been briefed on our job yet? Because on her Victory tour she tore me apart on how much I enjoyed sleeping with half the Capitol.’ 

Haymitch is to one who smirks this time. 

‘Sounds like her. And yes, she knows now.’ 

I lower my head on my arm again.

‘How is she doing anyway?’ I ask, not really curious but deeming it the right thing to ask. 

‘Alright I guess. She hasn’t lost her tribute though, might change when that happens.’ 

We sit like this for a while, not really knowing what we are supposed to talk about. Not really needing to say anything. Haymitch drinks, I almost fall asleep with his soothing hand drawing little circles on my back. I need to get back to help Gloss but I don’t want to. I want to disappear for a moment. To forget everything and find some peace. Weirdly that is exactly what Haymitch gives me right now. 

‘Keep your eyes on the horizon, sweetheart. Stay alive.’ Haymitch says as he gets up and softly pads my back. He doesn’t say another word as I see him walk away to fulfill his last duties to his dead tributes. Getting them ready to go home. 

* * *

Mezma may be gone but Augustus is doing everything he can to stick to his plan. The district Two girl, Valda, is falling for his charms the moment he tries. She clings to him like he is her hero and it is almost unbearable to know what he plans on doing. Gus has a lot of sponsors, as expected, and we can send him anything that he needs. Not that he really needs anything, the career pack has looted the Cornucopia thoroughly and is well supplied in food and weapons. 

When they are down to the last eight Augustus makes his move in the middle of the night. In a silent trip around their camp he slits their throats one by one. Starting with the male tributes from Two and Four, before he silently kills Four’s female. Valda is still asleep when Gus moves over to her. She wakes up when the first of his victims, the boy from Two, bleeds to death and the cannon sounds. Her eyes are big when she looks at the carnage in front of her. Their campsite is soaked in the blood of the alliance and she has a hard time comprehending what is happening. She stiffens when she feels Gus’s knife against her own throat. 

‘Gus?’ Valda whimpers. 

‘I am sorry,  _ love. _ ’ Gus replies. 

It is a very swift movement that ends her life and Gus stays by her side to watch her bleed out. He almost inaudibly mutters something that only Gloss and I can make sense of. 

_ For Ava. _

After that he ends it quickly. The district Seven boy is huddled up in a tree waiting for everything to be over, almost pleading Gus to end it swiftly. Which he does. The girl from Three dies not long after from dehydration leaving the district Six boy in the final two. The fact that the boy survived this long with such incapable mentors is a miracle in itself. When Gus finds him near the swamp side of the arena he doesn’t hesitate. One powerful trust with his swords ends the life of the young whimpering boy, granting Gus the victory. 

The looks on both Ena’s and Finn’s faces tell a disturbing story. A mixture between anger, for the way Gus betrayed his alliance, and worry, for the boy who clearly has the right features to be our neighbour. My own feelings are just as contradicting. We saved him, we avenged Ava, we saved the boy who is so dear to Jules. But the same feeling that lingers in Finn and Ena lingers in my body. He is desirable. 

When Gloss gets up to go to the hovercraft to meet our new victor I get an envelope for a new appointment. Officially my tribute is dead so there is no need for me to stay by Gus’s side and with Gloss being busy to prepare Gus for his new life we will probably get busy too. Finn and Ena will get their dates as soon as they have taken care of their tributes and sent them on their way in a box. 

The confusing feeling stays all through the next couple of hours. We have a new victor, a new neighbour in our little village but I can’t say I am extremely happy about it. Gus will learn the real truth very soon, seeing he is practically uninjured just like Gloss was. They keep him in the hospital to make him shiny again but he will be out of there before we know it. 

I find Gloss at the breakfast table a few days after Gus’s victory, playing with his food but not eating any of it. I fold my arms around his shoulders and hug him tightly. I don’t ask him what is wrong, he will tell me if he needs to. We stay that way for a little while. Gus was released from the hospital last night and he is still sleeping in his room. 

Gloss sighs heavily before he speaks. 

‘He will be expected to see Snow this afternoon.’ 

I instantly freeze, shocked, even though we both knew this was going to happen. I silently let go of his shoulders and take a seat beside him. Not only a neighbor in the village but also a neighbor on the victor’s floor. A neighbour we could do without if we had any choice in the matter. 

‘Gloss, we knew this was going to happen.’ 

‘Yeah, I know. But it still feels like we failed him.’

I can only nod at that. Knowing it will happen doesn’t make it any easier. 

‘Let him come to the bar tonight, maybe we can help him make sense of this all.’ I tell Gloss, who only nods. 

It is a new ritual we started after the first meeting we had after Finn’s victory. During the games, in which we do not have the apartments to talk to each other, we meet up in the viewing centre or in the bar on the ground floor at night. The time is different every day depending on the clients we each entertain and the status of our tributes but we always wait for each other, no matter the hour. We drink something to be calm enough to try and sleep. It also helps to keep track of the way everyone is doing, if there are new clients we should know about or if one of them has suddenly requested something weird. 

And so we wait for them that night. Enobaria is the first to arrive, not having a client at all that day. I join her an hour later and Finn arrives just a few minutes after me, sporting red marks around his wrists. He quickly hides them with his sleeves while I give him an apologizing look. Our clients had certainly become less violent but some of them didn’t give a fuck. Like Tiberius on his typical last-day appointment with Gloss and Helio on my just as typical last-day appointment with him. Maybe one of Finn’s clients was eyeing to be his patron. Ena has one too, although she barely talks about him. 

We talk for nearly half an hour before I see the doors open to reveal my brother and our newest victor. Gus’s muscles look tense and his eyes scan the bar before he makes his way over to us. I am sure Gloss has already talked to him about this whole deal and how important it is to follow the rules. We are here merely to form a bond and answer all the questions that might have come up since then. 

‘Gus, I would like you to meet Enobaria and Finnick. The other two people who have an apartment here, besides my sister and I and now you.’ Gloss tells him. 

He simply nods at them, knowing that they know his name. 

We stare at each other in silence as they both sit down. 

‘So, you all - You know -’ Gus stammers, not sure how to act around us. 

‘Work?’ Finn says. ‘Yes, we all do.’ 

‘But you were like fourteen when you won.’ Gus says in disgust as he puts one and two together. 

‘Yeah, I was. But I started working on my sixteenth birthday. I was in your position about a year ago but these people helped me through it. We are each other's life lines, helping each other up when we are falling even though we are from different districts.’ Finnick tells him. 

‘Yeah, about that, I am sorry about your tributes.’ Augustus says, lowering his eyes to the ground. Guilt seems to have caught up with him already. 

‘It’s fine. Only one can come out, we all know that.’ Ena replies. 

We all sip from our drinks giving room to an awkward silence and the memory of the tributes we have lost. We all knew this was going to happen, but losing them is a sore point every year. We never blame the victors though, we blame the bigger plan. Snow and the gamemakers. The system that puts us in a situation in which we have no choice. 

‘So normally the latest victor turned whatever we are, mentors the new kid on the block.’ Gloss says. ‘It is what Ena did for me and what Cash did for Finnick. So normally Finnick would coach you.’ 

Finn nods silently. 

‘We have, however, some sort of a luxury position with both Cash and me being from your home district. So maybe it is better that one of us takes up that responsibility.’ 

‘I don’t need a mentor. I can do this.’ Augustus defiantly says. 

‘Gus, all of us said we didn’t need anyone until we did. Mentoring doesn’t stop once the games end.’ I say. 

‘I visit Mags almost daily.’ Finnick states. 

‘Same here, although Lyme and Brutus seem annoyed most of the time.’ Ena remarks. 

‘And I am sure you’ve heard the rumours about Cash and me being extremely close and unapproachable. Truth is we drag each other out of the mud at least once a week.’ Gloss says.

Augustus looks at all of us, one at the time. Taking us in. Taking in the things we said to him. After he has seen all of us his gaze falls to something in his hands. The movement of the card in his hands is the same as I have seen from Finnick last year. The nervous movement of someone who has just seen his world come crashing down. His eyes get wet and I can see a single tear slide down his cheek when he closes his eyes. 

In an impulse I grab his hand, stopping the movement, squeezing slightly to reassure him. He squeezes back but keeps his eyes closed. None of us say anything. Finnick is playing with some water his glass left behind on the table, Enobaria is staring in the distance and Gloss is watching Augustus closely like a mentor should. 

‘This is so fucked up.’ Gus says, eyes still closed. His cheeks glistening from his tears. 

‘We know.' Ena says. 'But remember why you are doing this.’ 

I think back to those last moments in the justice building. His mother, still grieving, with his two little siblings. They are the reasons he needs to do this. 

‘What are their names?’ I ask him. 

‘Skeet and Christy.’ He mumbles. 

‘Do it for them. You couldn’t save Ava but you can save them. You can keep them safe, spare your mother a lot of heartbreak. Do this for Skeet and Christy’ I tell him. ‘Do this for Jules.’

At the mention of Jules’s name his eyes spring open. I haven’t mentioned his trainer since we left One, for the obvious reasons, but he needs to know that not only his family is in danger. 

‘He is close to two victors now, we need to keep him safe.’ I whisper, not wanting anyone to pick up on my closeness with Jules. 

I don’t even need an answer from Augustus to know he has understood what I just told him. 

‘We will be there for you every night from now on. Come down here in the evening and know that we will show up eventually.’ Gloss tells him.

‘Every night?’ Gus asks. 

‘Every night and never feel like you are a burden. We know what you go through. We can’t stop it from happening but we can help you deal with it.’ Gloss says. ’Don’t lock yourself up in your room, just come down here, even if that seems unbearable. Especially tomorrow.’ 

‘What happens tomorrow?’ Gus asks, a light tremor in his voice. 

Gloss sighs heavily before he answers.

‘Your first client.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing for our favorite drunk. He is such a father figure and he is so damaged by the games. I really like his character.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Flammende!   
> Your comments are always helpful and motivating!

A sharp knocking on my door wakes me from a daydream. 

‘Cashmere, I know you are home. Open the door.’ 

Jules’s familiar voice rings through the hallway and I feel all my muscles tighten. We have been home for four weeks now and the excitement of a new victor only just settled down. Bringing Augustus home put us all in the spotlight, highlighting Gloss’s talent as a mentor in bringing two victors home in five years. Having the press on our backs meant a big violation of our already limited privacy. 

The first two weeks it was hard enough to see our family, let alone meet up in secret with Jules. He understood when I explained it to him when we finally met up after two weeks. He understood we were busy, he understood we needed to support Gus through all of this. But I could still notice the disappointment in him. After those two weeks we had met up two times. 

Our conversations had been strained, mostly talking about Jules’s life and work. How he had experienced the games and the way Augustus handled them. I never shared my experience. Feeling guilty of what I had done to Gus. How the games had changed him already and would continue to change him. I would eventually be able to talk about it, but not now. And Jules didn’t push. 

So why is he here now? He has never shown up to my door before, not wanting to draw attention to our friendship. What is so damn important that he risks getting seen by peacekeepers to talk to me. 

He is looking terrible when I open the door. His hair is a mess and large patches of sweat can be seen on his shirt. Something got him running to my doorstep and worry washes over me. 

‘Jules, what’s wrong?’ I ask. 

‘We need to talk.’ He tells me. Eyes serious and not at all like him. What has happened? 

‘Okay, I guess we can do that.’ I stammer as I step aside to let him in. 

He doesn’t move however. Standing there like a statue, not moving a muscle. 

‘Cashmere’ He says out loud before he mouths  _ outside. _

Jules knows about the bugs in my house. He knows why I always want to meet up at his place. Whatever he has to say can not be heard by our always present Capitol audience. 

I nod slowly before following him outside, grabbing my keys but not locking my door. No one ever dares to break in in the village. Being caught is too easy with the peacekeepers posted at the gates. 

We don’t say a word until we reach the loop around the lake. The same loop on which we met for the first time. The same loop on which we told Rosie the truth. Jules is staring at the ground, never looking up. Probably wondering how to begin this conversation about something that is obviously bothering him. 

‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ I ask, trying to start our conversation. 

Jules sighs heavily before he swiftly pulls a hand through his hair. His eyes lift to stare out over the lake, not meeting mine. 

‘I found Gus at the academy this morning, Trying to attack a couple of dummies with his sword.’ 

I shrug. 

‘Well, it is probably a good thing he is working out. He has been training five days a week for the last couple of years, he needs to lose the energy somewhere.’ I reply.

‘Yeah, that is probably true.’ Jules answers when he looks down again. ‘It wasn’t just training though. His technique was sloppy, making mistakes I haven’t seen him make since he was about fourteen. It was all frustration and anger and an extremely dangerous kind of it. So, I tried to talk him down before he would hurt himself and I somehow succeeded. He kept talking about debt, owning one in particular. And I tried to help him. But he kept on telling me that he didn’t know what to do. That his life wasn’t his anymore and that he did not want to work.’ 

We’ve stopped walking and I feel a chill run along my body even though the summers in One are mostly quite warm. Augustus had almost snapped. To anyone other than Jules all this information would have been nonsense but Jules has too much background information already. 

‘So, I have a feeling you haven’t told me all of it.’

_ O god.  _

‘What does this work entail exactly?’ 

_ O god. He knows.  _

‘I- It’s something we victors do when we go to the Capitol. ‘ I tell him, knowing it is not enough. 

‘Damn it, Cash.’ Jules says, looking at me this time before averting his eyes again. ‘Please tell me this is not what my gut tells me it is.’ 

I can’t tell him. What if he runs away from me? If he decides he doesn’t want to know me anymore? I can’t lose him. I can’t. 

‘What does your gut tell you?’ I almost whisper. 

He sighs before he fidgets nervously with his hair again. 

‘You spend a lot of time in the capitol sleeping around with different men, playing a flirtatious, horny girl yet you are the complete opposite at home. You don’t like to be touched, especially not after you’ve just come back. You are awfully scared of stepping out of line and losing someone while some of the other victors I have met don’t share that fear. Gus tells me about being forced to work but does not tell me what it entails.’ Jules tells me. 

‘Jules, what do you think it entails?’ I whisper. 

It seems he can’t stay stuck in one spot moving around constantly. His hands switching between being lodged in his pockets and fidgeting with his hair. I know he has figured this out, it is the only reason he would come running to my house. Hearing Gus’s story and mine put one and two together. I should have known that he would eventually find out. 

‘Sex.’ He says, so soft I can barely hear it. 

I don’t deny it. It is of no use.

‘So, what am I? Give it a name Jules. It has a few.’ I tell him, wanting him to face the truth. 

‘You are a -’ 

Jules takes a deep breath.

‘Say it, Jules!’ I tell him.

‘I can’t.‘ He shouts out of frustration. 

‘Prostitute. Whore. Sex slave. Cumdump. Fucktoy. Hooker.’

‘STOP!’ Jules screams.

He starts shaking as soon as he says it, struggling to remain standing. His whole body is trembling and I can hear him sobbing loudly. I feel oddly numb, like I am a stranger in my own story. Telling it like it isn’t mine. 

What does he think? Does he think I am dirty? Does he think I am worthless? I would get it if he never wanted to speak with me again. If he wants to pretend I don’t exist. He has every right to. 

‘Jules, look at me.’ I whisper. 

He doesn’t move however, like he hasn’t heard me. He is tugging at his hair in frustration, still sobbing. 

‘Jules,  _ please,  _ will you look at me?’ 

When he finally turns around his cheeks are tear stained and his eyes are red. His face tells a thousand stories that I can’t read. What is he thinking? I see a hint of disgust but mostly a lot of frustration. 

‘Please tell me what you are thinking about. Do you think I am disgusting? Are you mad at me?’ 

His face flips to sadness. 

‘Cash, I am furious.’

I flinch.

‘But not at you. I am mad at the Capitol, at the President and at every man who has ever hurt you. I am even mad at myself for not seeing it sooner. My god, I feel so useless.’ He tells me. 

‘It is not your fault. You know that.’ I tell him. 

‘Yes I know, god, I know. I just don’t know what to do right now. How to deal with this shit.’ Jules says. 

I feel an instant chill on my spine again.  _ This shit.  _ This shit he can step away from if he wants to. Maybe I need to give him time, time to make up his mind. 

‘If you want me to go, I will go. Take your time.’ I say as I turn around to leave.

‘No, Cashmere.’ Jules immediately says. ‘Please stay.’ 

He takes a couple of deep breaths before he speaks again. 

‘I’m sorry. This must be crazy for you. Me being so mad while you suffer for it. I just - I really like you. As in really, really like you.’ Jules tells me and I feel the flutter in my stomach again. 

He likes me. Just like I like him. A lot. 

‘I get it if you don’t like me anymore. Now that you know what I do. What I am.’ 

Jules looks at me with big eyes. Letting my words settle in. I really would not blame him if he changes his mind over all of this. How can he like a whore? A cumdump who is owned by the most powerful man in the country. 

I fiddle nervously with Helio’s ring around my finger. The ring hasn’t left my finger since Helio put in on me the second time. Not even at home I dare take it off, just like Gloss, who wears the bracelet the whole year round. We never know when someone will show up and when they do it needs to be there. The ring is a sign of ownership. A sign that all of this is real and that Helio is waiting for me in the Capitol not caring about what is going on at home. 

I wake up from my thoughts when I see Jules walking towards me. He slowly lifts his hands and grabs both sides of my face, cupping my cheeks. I want to avert my eyes by looking down but he won’t let me. 

‘Cash, I don’t care what you are forced to do. I still like you. I want to give us a change, I want to make you as happy as you can be. I don’t care how much shit we will get for this, I want to be there for you when you need me.’ 

His fingers push away the stray hairs in front of my eyes and I feel my eyes water at his words. He has no idea what he is getting himself into. So many ‘normal’ things will never be possible for us. So many things will be watched and stolen. 

‘We can’t have anything official.’ I tell him. ‘We can never settle down, get married, start a family. None of that will be allowed.’ 

‘I don’t care. I want you, in whatever way is possible. As long as we know what we mean to each other I don’t need anything else. I want to make you happy, to make you forget when you are with me. I know I can’t make all of this disappear but I can help you through it. I want to.’ He says, his eyes fixed on mine while his hands still cup my cheeks. 

‘What about your family? What about Neva and your mother? They will be a target just as much as you will be. Even if we keep it a secret, they will find out. I don’t want any of you to get hurt.’ 

‘We will tell them. We will tell them about us and the risks that brings. They will understand, both of them. I won’t let them get hurt.’ 

I don’t hesitate any longer and do what I have been longing to do for weeks. I throw myself in his arms, nestling my face in his chest. Longing for his touch, longing for his love. I feel him place a kiss on my forehead. A kiss that is so familiar to me but this time it moves me to tears. I cry in heaving sobs while Jules softly strokes my back, making small circling motions to calm me down. 

‘We will find a way.’ Jules whispers after a while. And I believe him. 

It takes a while for me to catch my breath and calm down. Jules’s words have impacted me more than I thought. He wants to share my broken life despite everything. He is okay with giving up everything, just for me. 

When I let go I feel an urge to talk about everything, to tell him all about it. Jules is a curious person, I am sure he wants to know a lot more. I take his hand in mine and softly drag him over to the lakeshore. While I sit down I lose my shoes and dip my toes in the cool water. For a moment I close my eyes, enjoying the freshness of the water on my skin. Jules moves beside me sitting down with his knees tucked to his chest. 

‘So, who else has this shitty deal?’ Jules asks. 

I sigh heavily before I answer. 

‘Enobaria was the first. Then Gloss the year after her and then me. Finnick was too young when he won so he started when he was sixteen. And now Gus. Who just had his first right before we left the Capitol. Una got lucky, not attractive enough.’ I tell him while I pick up some stones to throw in the water. 

‘Now I really wished Gus hadn’t volunteered. I should have talked to him more. Made sure he wasn’t doing it.’ 

‘I guess he wishes for the same thing now. Just like me. Volunteering was the biggest mistake of my life, but even I did it and I saw what the games had done to my own brother. I guess a teenage brain is hard to sway.’ I say. 

‘What are they using as leverage for you to do this?’ 

‘My family mostly, They threatened Rosie and Vic specifically and I bet you are on their list as soon as they find out about you. Gloss has the same people on his list. And for Gus? Probably his mom and Skeet and Christy. It is not the first time a relative of a victor ends up getting reaped.’ 

Jules stares out over the lake, staying silent for a while. Playing with the rim of his shirt without paying attention. 

‘So, how does it work? What happens when you get off that train?’ He asks. 

I sigh once again. Sharing my secret life is hard. 

‘We all have apartments next to each other in the middle of the city. During the games we stay with the tributes but all the other times we are at the victor’s floor. Gloss and I share an apartment, the others all have their own. When we are there we get envelopes on which they put the name and date of our appointments and sometimes a message about what to expect. Then I dress up and wait for the time to pass. We have our own drivers to take us wherever we need to go and they drop us off at the right place. And then I do what I am told. I follow orders and spread my legs in whatever way the client wants.’ 

Jules drops his head for a little bit, staring at the floor in between his legs. Probably finding a way to deal with all this information. 

‘So, is it always men?’ 

‘Yes, most of the time it is. I have had a woman once or twice alone and some of them joined in with their husbands. Gloss and Finnick have a mixture of male and female clients though. I suppose Gus will face the same.’ 

‘Fuck.’ I hear him mutter. ‘Are they violent?’ 

‘I don’t think you want to know.’ I try. 

‘Cash, please.’ 

I close my eyes for a moment. Wondering where I am going to start this part of my story. 

‘Yes. They are. I’ve been slapped, whipped, burned, choked, cut, tied up, used as a cumdump by multiple people at once.’ I breathe in and out a few times before I continue. ‘I’ve been forced to have sex with Finn and with my brother. And I have already heard about plans to record some of my sessions to sell them to the people.’ 

Jules’s eyes are once again filled with tears. The hem of his shirt now ruffled and dirty. It is a lot for him to process. Being interested in a victor is complicated from the start. But a victor in my position makes it even worse.

‘I will promise you one thing.’ Jules whispers. ‘I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to.’ 

When he speaks those words I feel an instant flood of understanding wash over me. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be treated like a porcelain doll. I just need him to be who he is. Who we were before he knew all of this. As a reaction I lower my head on his shoulder, slowly turning my head to sniff up his scent. 

‘Thank you.’ Is all I say as I close my eyes. Enjoying everything about the warm body beside me. For once not cowering away in fear of what will happen. For once not feeling my stomach turn at the sound of a man's voice. For once feeling that my life might indeed be bigger than I think it is. 

* * *

Jules keeps asking questions and I keep answering them. I tell him everything in the days following our big conversation. The trust between us grows and I feel myself open up more and more. Our deep conversations are mixed with bouts of laughter and light talks about the less heavy stuff in life. We walk every day when Jules gets out of work and we get closer to each other every time. 

When no one is looking we dare to hold hands. Our intertwined fingers already feel so extremely good. It is like I am floating when I feel them safely in my hand. Jules respects everything about my feelings and lets me set the pace. If I want to hug him in the shadow of a tree, he lets me and if I don’t it is equally fine. He never makes a move to do something I might not want to. 

Two weeks after our talk Jules walks me home. We are

holding hands till we can see the peacekeepers at the gate, deliberately letting go of each other at the same moment. Since our talk Jules always walks me to my front door, he is allowed in the village with me by his side. So we keep talking until Jules freezes. I look at him before I follow his line of sight. 

A man, dressed in a fancy Capitol suit, is sitting on the steps to my front door. Jules has never met him and might be set off by his appearance but I know the man better than I want to. I know his sickening smirk and violent hands who have humiliated Gloss more than once. I take a couple of steps forward to create some space between him and Jules. 

‘Tiberius, what are you doing here?’ I ask him, instantly aware of the danger I am putting on Jules’s shoulders by having them meet. 

‘ _ Princess _ . We are here to give Augustus further instructions about his job and to accompany him on his first trip to the Capitol. We did the same with Finnick last year.’ He tells me while he slowly stands up and moves over to me. I try not to freeze but the tension rises anyway. 

‘Who is we?’ I ask, wanting to know how much trouble I am in exactly. 

‘You know I would only bring one person along to this shitty place.’ He answers. And I immediately start fiddling with the ring around my finger. Both of them here makes things quite complicated.

‘Aren’t you going to introduce me?’ Tiberius asks. 

Jules has been standing behind me gazing at the conversation in front of him. His hands are balled into fists but he remains otherwise calm. When Tiberius mentions him a smile appears on his face like magic. 

‘Uhm, sure. Tiberius, Jules. Jules, Tiberius.’ 

Jules extends his hand but Tiberius is looking at it in disgust. Like Jules isn’t worth his touch. Like he is somehow worth less than his victors who are from the same district. 

‘So Jules, how do you know Cashmere.’ Tiberius says while he walks closer to the surprisingly strong looking man. If Jules is frightened, he doesn’t show it. 

‘I trained Augustus at the academy. We met after the games in an attempt to help Augustus settle in.’ Jules lies. He lies like he has never done differently, using a cover than can very much be believed. 

‘Interesting’ Is all Tiberius answers, scanning Jules from top to bottom. ‘If you are training at the academy then you must have attended it once.’ 

‘Yes sir, I did.’ Jules politely answers, doing everything to remain in Tiberius’s good graces. 

All the while I am looking at them anxiously, afraid the tone might go sour any minute. I am also slightly worried I haven’t seen Helio yet. 

‘How come you never ended up in the games then, if you were so promising you were asked to train tributes?’ 

I swallow hard. How much does Tiberius know about Jules? Or is he just assuming things right here and now? Connecting dots and coming up with things he must know will catch me off guard. 

‘I was supposed to, personal reason got in the way.’ Jules tells him casually, like it is not a game of life and death. 

Tiberius is stepping even closer to Jules and I need to do everything in my power to not intervene. Don’t act too attached, Cash. Save him from as much attention as you can. 

‘Such a shame. You would have made a wonderful victor.’ Tiberius says as he eyes Jules’s crotch. Jules remains silent, obviously noticing the sexual undertone in Tiberius’s speech. He must be fuming inside but he doesn’t move a muscle. 

Tiberius’s silence and focus on Jules gives me a chance to speak op again. 

‘So, are we supposed to leave today?’ I ask him.

It takes Tiberius a moment to register my question and answer me. What is he thinking about? Is he thinking about all the ways he could have had Jules in his bed? Just like he does with Gloss? The thought makes me nauseous and I feel a hint of possessiveness. Tiberius already has Gloss, he can’t have Jules as well. Jules is mine. 

‘No, going out here just to pick up Augustus seemed so useless so we decided to take a trip. Helio still has his property here and we thought you and your brother wouldn’t mind our company tonight.’ 

He tells me like it doesn’t mean anything, but it does. Tiberius has never been to One to visit Gloss. Not like Helio has with me. It is a big deal to have them here for the night. However hard we try to keep them out of our private lives we will never succeed. Invading our houses, taking our time to do obvious things. It is all about power. Again. 

‘Of course. You can stay over for dinner and drinks after. Gloss and I will try to make something.’ I stammer. I turn around to face Jules, better get him on his way before this gets worse. ‘Jules, I think it’s best if you - ‘ 

Before I can finish my sentence I hear my front door opening and I instantly close my eyes. His footsteps are heavy on the steps and the smell of his aftershave reaches me before he does. 

‘ _ Princess,  _ I have missed you.’ Helio says as I feel his arms fold around my waist, claiming me as his. He places a few demanding kisses in my neck, marking me his property in front of Jules. 

I see Jules’s eyes grow big at the sight. A desperation lingers in them, not knowing what to do with the situation before him. Knowing that he can’t do anything to stop this. He puts his hands in his pockets to hide his frustration but I notice it nonetheless. I never told him about Helio’s patronage. About the amount of power these two men have over my life. 

Helio keeps attacking my neck and I have to look away. I can’t look into Jules' eyes while another man is doing this to me. I can’t see the devastation in his eyes. 

Me turning my head gives Helio even better access and the loud slurping sounds make me nauseous. His hands move around over my belly, clearly wanting to find a destination on either my breasts or between my legs. I close my eyes praying he will not make a move for those parts of my body. 

_ ‘Princess,  _ please explain to me the presence of this young man.’ Helio whispers in my ear, his tone bitter and demanding. 

‘He is a friend, we help Augustus together, nothing more.’ 

‘Then why is he walking you home?’ 

‘Because we had not finished our conversation.’ I tell him, feeling his warm breath in my neck. 

‘Fine, make him leave now.’ He whispers, loud enough for Tiberius to pick up bits of it but too soft for Jules to get an idea of his plans. ‘Gloss has been waiting for Tiberius to take care of him for over an hour now. Can’t imagine those shackles are very comfortable. And I want you, like right now.’ 

So that is why I hadn’t seen Gloss show up yet. Tiberius had already got to him, he was already tied down waiting for his horror to begin. Augustus probably wasn’t even aware of the danger on his doorstep. And here I stood thinking about Jules and what this must look like. 

‘Jules, please, go home. I have to talk to the guys about Augustus and tomorrow we will leave for the Capitol. I will talk to you when we return about how you can help him.’ I say, trying to tell Jules everything while not using any words that indicate his level of intel. 

He nods at me and for a moment I believe he will leave it at that. Understanding what these men want from me and his inability to stop that. I see him turn around but before he walks away he takes a deep breath and turns his head to face me. 

‘Cash, you could have told me you wanted to spend some time with your boyfriend.’ 

For a moment I don’t know what to say. Helio isn’t my boyfriend and Jules knows that. But I soon realize he is playing the situation. Getting confirmation for himself and telling Tiberius and Helio he is not a threat. 

I let out a forced laugh, 

‘Calling him my boyfriend is a big word. But we do have a deep bond.’ I lie, while pulling Helio’s hands closer around my waist. ‘I do think I am not really ready for a relationship though.’

Helio and Tiberius are both staring at me. Probably surprised at my reaction. I have acted in front of them so many times, but never like this. 

‘I guess all your lovers would agree with that.’ Tiberius says, a wide smirk on his face. 

‘Yeah, I think so too, I am sorry Helio, I guess we can’t make it official without a civil war.’ I joke while looking over my shoulder into his eyes. A mixture of lust and annoyance is written in them. 

Tiberius laughs at my answer and even Jules breaks a smile. Probably trying to break the tension. 

‘Well.’ Helio says. ‘At least it is  _ my _ ring you are wearing. That must count for something.’ 

And with that I get the answer I wanted Jules to hear with this whole charade. I wanted him to hear how important Helio and Tiberius are. How much they influence my life and why they can show up like this and claim me. I will, no doubt, have to explain all of this later. 

I nod slightly at Jules, telling him with my eyes to go home. Helio’s arms are keeping me in a death grip I helped form but it was for a good reason. Now I want Jules to go. I want to end Gloss’s suffering as soon as possible and the sooner I am done with Helio the better. 

Jules gives me one knowing look, mouths  _ find me _ and then turns around. 

I see his broad shoulders disappear around the corner. Another few weeks without him. Thinking of him in my dreams but not able to talk to him, to be with him. Keeping him out of my world would be better, but that ship sailed long ago. 

‘Come on,  _ princess.’  _ Helio says as he forces me towards my own front door. 

I expect Tiberius to leave for Gloss, but he doesn’t. Both of them follow me to my bedroom, Helio’s hand in mine leading me in my own house. Once we arrive he immediately rids me of my shirt leaving me in my bra. He starts unbuttoning my jeans when I notice Tiberius is still in the corner. 

‘I have an idea.’ Tiberius suddenly says, already starting to lose his own shirt. ’Gloss can wait. Let’s play with her together.’ 

  
  
  
  



	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating to explicit just in case. It is not getting any worse than it was but I don't want to take the risk in rating it to low. 
> 
> Keep the comments coming, I really like reading them!

Tiberius walks towards me with a devilish grin. In his hands a pair of handcuffs of which I have no idea how they came here. My body freezes as Helio drops my jeans to the floor and Tiberius dangles the chains in front of my eyes. Helio swiftly loses my bra before he pushes me down on my own bed. 

My arms feel like jelly when Tiberius grabs them and chains them to the bedposts. His hands softly caress my arms which runs a shiver down my spine. They make their way down to my face, softly stroking my cheek. 

‘You and your brother have such excellent genes, such perfect facial features and that amazing mouth.’ Tiberius taunts. ‘Which would look even better with my dick in it.’ 

I feel the horror rise in me, even though I must have done this a million times by now. I hear the sound of his zipper and close my eyes to get my mind in the right place. Sooner than I expected I feel him pushing against my lips and I foolishly refuse to let him in. I don’t even really know why. Maybe I am not ready yet. Maybe the whole situation has me in a defensive mood. 

The slab on my cheek is harder than I have ever had and it is surely going to bruise. My eyes fly open in shock at his sudden force and in response my mouth flies open as well. Tiberius pushes in immediately and grabs my hair violently to guide my head as he likes it. His trusts make me gag within seconds and I already feel the loss of oxygen. 

‘What? Surprised I mark you before you get to the Capitol?’ Tiberius tells me. ‘It doesn’t matter how you two leave your district, I have arranged a full prep at the remake centre for the both of you. We can do everything we want, carry you out on a stretcher if we need to. Keep that in mind before you try to defy me again.’ 

Tears stream from my eyes due to the combination of his words and his murderous trusts. I feel Helio tear my panties away and force open my legs and I don’t protest this time. They will do it either way. He has hurt me before in my own bed. He already ruined my safe haven. His fingers trust violently into me and I groan as a wave of pain hits me. I was not ready for that at all and his destroying rhythm doesn’t help. It only takes him a minute before he can’t wait any longer and replaces his fingers with something bigger. 

I can’t help but make sounds of discomfort. I can’t scream since there is hardly room for me to breathe but my groans still set them off somehow. 

‘You fucking whore.’ Tiberius taunts, his hand pulling at my hair with every thrust. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t like this. You are practically begging us to fuck you.’ 

Helio’s hands grope at my breasts and I can feel his nails leaving marks. He is breathing heavily as I have seen him so many times. I am almost relieved that his hands are groping my breasts and not forced around my throat. If he did that, breathing would be impossible. 

‘Helio, turn her around.’ Tiberius instructs while he pulls out and Helio is one to follow orders quickly. 

Helio throws his arms around my body in an attempt to stay inside of me while he turns me around. I feel my wrists strain as they are pulled tighter together at the turning of the chain. Before I know it I am sitting on top of him, my hands holding on to the bed next to the chains to give myself the means to stay upright. I try to breathe and not cough at the sudden flow of oxygen in my lungs.

‘I might not like those wide, wet female holes of yours. But you have a tight hole I do like.’ Tiberius taunts while an instant wave of fear crashes over me. The last time this happened I was left utterly and completely destroyed. I had needed Capitol medicine to revive myself enough to function. I wasn’t even able to walk out of that one and Tiberius would get me close to that point again. 

_Breathe._

Gloss’s voice tells me in my head. My dear brother, suffering his own hell right now, tied up in his own home waiting for Tiberius to show up and humiliate him. His advice had been so useful so many times before. But without anything to numb the pain, this is going to be hell. Tiberius will not consider my feelings for a minute and Helio is too busy enjoying himself to care. 

I bury my head in Helio’s shoulder to try and keep myself from screaming but my preparation does very little to help the pain when I feel Tiberius at my back side. He is relentless, not preparing me in any other way than with my own saliva still on his cock. I grunt at his trust and cry out when he pushes in all the way. The soaring pain is too much to handle. I almost want to bite Helio’s shoulder to manage, only stopping myself when I realize how much trouble that would get me. 

Tears are in my eyes when I try to manage my pain. I feel them drip from my eyes into the fabric below. My breathing quickens and I can feel the panic rise within me. Tiberius hands are like claws on my hips. His fingers digging deep into the flesh. 

_Breathe._

I hear Gloss in my head once again. 

_You can do this. Survive. Fight in silence. Don’t let it destroy you._

It somehow calms me to think about all the times Gloss has to endure Tiberius. How many times he came back with the evidence of his cruelty on his back. And everytime he survived. Everytime he kept breathing. 

_Remember what you are fighting for._

Vic, Fibre and Rosie. 

Lux and Mia.

Silver.

Mom and Dad. 

Finnick and Ena. 

Augustus. 

Gloss. 

Jules. 

Most of all Jules. 

I am protecting all of them. I am fighting for them. Fighting on my back with my legs spread and the terrible odour of sweat and sex but fighting nonetheless. Surviving to give others the ability to be free. The ability to live and to grow. 

So I am breathing. 

I am breathing as deeply as I can. 

I am still breathing when they finish at almost the same time. Both of them panting and grunting before discarding me like a ragdoll. My hands are still tied to the bed and lying comfortably is not an option. I do get to breath for a moment when both of them leave the bed. 

‘I will go and see her brother, fuck her up some more. Let her know who is calling the shots. Put her in her place once again. She has been good but reminding her sure doesn’t hurt.’ Tiberius says to Helio while he opens my window to let in some fresh air. 

‘Sure thing.’ Helio answers. 

And with that Tiberius is gone. I feel an instant dread for Gloss. Tiberius is in a foul mood and if he wanted to show me then he surely wants to show Gloss. Did he bring his whips out here just to play with him? He did say he would carry us to the capitol on a stretcher if he had to. 

I almost jump up when I feel Helio’s hand on my butt. 

‘ _Princess,_ get on your knees.’ Helio demands and I try to comply to the best of my abilities. Tugging my knees under me while holding the bed for support, leaning on my elbows. A soaring pain rushes through my lower body while I feel something wet dripping out of me. It could be cum, it could be blood. But probably both. 

‘Oh look at that wonderful ass of yours. It sure deserves some stripes on it, it would be even prettier with some red markings.’ He tells me. 

I gasp at his words. 

‘Why?’ I blurt out. ‘I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to do.’ 

Helio laughs at this. 

_‘Princess,_ I don’t need a reason to mark you other than my own willingness to do so.’ He says as he slaps my ass hard with his hand. 

I gasp. 

‘But, Snow said you are supposed to take care of me. He didn’t want to see any injuries.’ I try. 

Helio grabs my hair in response, tugging my head back with such force it hurts my neck. 

‘And he doesn’t need to know. You will go through remake before the President even has a chance to meet you. And if you dare to mention it I will make sure you regret it with every fibre of your being.’ 

As he lets go of my hair I see him make his way over to his bag in the corner of the room. A small straight paddle appears and I have to look away. I know what he will do. I know that it will hurt. 

I take a deep breath to brace myself before I bite down on my pillow. 

A soaring pain rushes through my lower body when the paddle makes contact with my skin. 

At first I bite down hard enough to come away with grunts. But eventually I scream. I scream so loudly Gloss will be able to hear me through the open window. 

_Breathe. Scream. Breathe._

* * *

I stare at the window as rare summer rain comes crashing down leaving trails of water on the glass. The window is open and a little pool of water forms on the ground. The sound of the rain is mixed with an awful amount of screams and grunts from the house next door. 

Tiberius deliberately opened my window facing Gloss’s house and apparently did the same with his one facing mine. 

The bottom half of my body feels extremely sore. Helio had marked me up pretty good with the cane, leaving my ass red and full of welts. After he was done he decided to fuck me once more, aggrivating my sore skin and making me scream at the top of my lungs. His hands had found their way to my throat once again, effectively silencing me and making me struggle for air. I am silently praying that there aren’t any marks, but just like my cheek the skin is throbbing. Which isn’t a good sign. 

They had no regard for my feelings or my level of pain and I had no chance to take the numbing drugs I usually take before I see either of them. I know Gloss is suffering without them as well. 

Another scream of pain flies through the window and I wince. 

Helio’s fingers are brushing absentmindedly through my hair while my head is pressed against his chest. My wrists are still bound but are laying in front of me on Helio’s stomach instead of above me tied to the bedpost. 

I know he thinks this cuddling after thing is something I want. But I just want him to get out of my house and leave me alone. Leave me to hear my brother scream until he stops and I can patch him up and be there for him. But Helio has the strange believe that cuddling makes up for everything he does to me. That showing me he, apparently, cares about me does any good. It doesn’t. It might even prove the exact opposite. 

Another scream wakes me from my train of thought. 

My god, doesn’t the guy have any sense of dignity? Gloss has been suffering for almost two hours now, not even counting the time he was tied up. The rain hides the sounds of the whip but I'm pretty sure that is what is happening. I recognize the sounds from the last time I witnessed Gloss being whipped. I recognize his grunts and screams. 

My butt hurts like hell and the stripes are showing just as much as the bruise on my cheek probably does but I am still able to walk out of here. Carrying my own weight to the train station. But I am not so sure if Gloss will be able to this time. Maybe he will need the stretcher if I can’t get him medicine to numb the pain. 

Why are they here? They could have come tomorrow to talk to Gus and then they could have left with us to the Capitol. Why did they decide to come early? Is Snow keeping an eye on them? Is Snow watching them to make sure they don’t damage his property? Is this their only chance to live out their sadistic fantasies? Helio seemed frantic when I brought up Snow, maybe he really is frightened the President will harm him. 

Half an hour later I hear the door to my room open. Tiberius is standing in the doorway, a key in his hands which he throws on the bed in front of me. 

I look at him in confusion while Helio moves to rid me of my own cuffs. 

‘Those are the keys to set your brother free. I think he passed out so I didn’t bother releasing him. We expect you two tomorrow shining and splendid as ever. I don’t want to be able to see a mark on either of you.’ Tiberius tells me. 

I feel anger in me. So he can mark us, but we are ot allowed to show the world his cruelty. 

‘Helio, please, show me your place. I could use a good glass of whiskey.’ 

I wait for the sound of my front door before I dare to move. Grabbing the key from the bed before running to my closet to find some clothes. I settle on the first thing I see, not caring how I look and ignoring the stinging pain in my backside. Downstairs I slip on my shoes and quickly look in the mirror next to the front door. My cheek is already turning blue and purple and the tips of Helio’s fingers are showing on my neck. That will be a lot of makeup to cover up, I tell myself before I fly out the door to the house next door. 

The rain is still pouring and I run to avoid getting extremely wet. 

I stop in my tracks when I notice a figure in front of Gloss’s door. Knocking on it to get it to open. 

‘Augustus, what are you doing here?’ I ask him. 

Gus turns around immediately, looking at me. His eyes grow big when he sees my cheek.

‘I heard him screaming but the door was locked. And then I saw Tiberius leave and I thought I would try again. But he won’t open it.’ Gus says. 

‘There is a key under the doormat.’ I tell him as I walk over to him. 

He reaches down immediately, fumbling for the key. When he retrieves it he doesn’t hesitate to open the door. 

‘Gus.’ I tell him as I grab his arm to stop him from barching in. ‘Please, let me go first. And - don’t panic when you see him.’

Augustus looks at me with confusion written all over his face but he doesn’t question my judgement. 

I run up the stairs as soon as I reach the base of them. The house is absolutely silent which makes me fear Tiberius was right. He passed out. 

The sight in his bedroom is ugly. Gloss is naked, sitting on his knees in front of his bed with his wrists tied to its corners. His head is hanging on the end of the bed and a puddle of blood has formed under him. His back is an absolute mess. Red stripes are everywhere and every inch of him is covered in blood. Bruises and blood. Tiberius really let himself go this time. 

While I rush to his side to try and wake him up I see Augusus turn white as a sheet at the sight in front of him. 

‘Gus, try to breath.’ I tell him. 

‘I - I can’t.’ He answers. 

‘Yes, you can. You have to.’ 

Gus is still staring at Gloss’s back, not moving an inch. 

‘Gus, I hate to break it to you. But this is part of it too. It just so happens that Tiberius is obsessed with Gloss and with power. The combination of those two creates a sadist that does this to him on a regular basis. Now please help me get him down so I can take care of him.’ 

Augustus stares at me in disbelief. He has murdered people in cold blood but seems to freeze at the sight of blood now. I hand him the key to free Gloss from his shackles and he does. The red marks on his wrists resemble the ones I had in my worst moment. They are red and bleeding and if Gloss was conscious he would probably be screaming. 

‘Gloss.’ I try as I gently stroke his cheek in an attempt to wake him up. He doesn’t react at all and in a surge of worry I take his bloodied wrist to search for a pulse. The pulse I find is weak but it is there and I am relieved beyond belief. 

I want to get him on the bed but Gloss is a big guy and we probably will not be able to get him there safely. 

‘Do you know where our brother Fibre lives?’ I ask Gus. 

‘Yes, they live a block away from my mother's old house.’ He tells me. 

‘Then go get him and his wife. Just tell them we need them. Don’t say anything else, just make sure they come over’ 

He nods and leaves immediately. Fibre’s house is not so far away and I only hope they are both home. Maybe Gus and Fibre are strong enough to get him on the bed and Rosie might be able to help clean his wounds. 

One of Gloss’s arms is slumped at his side while I am holding the other. I do not care about the amount of blood that is transfering from him to me, I don’t want to let him go. I will hold his hand through all this. I silently curse as I see the bracelet around his wrist. This fucked up patronage. This fucked up license to use and abuse. I want to rip the thing off of him, but I know better than to do that. 

With a soft moan Gloss wakes up a little bit. 

‘Hey, you’re back.’ I softly say.

Gloss tries to move but winces and cries out immediately.

‘Stt.. Don’t move. Help is on the way. Just stay still. I will stay here.’ I tell him, squeezing his hand as a reassurance. 

Tears start streaming down his cheeks at the sound of my voice and I can’t help but cry with him. I lower my forehead to his, leaning against each other for some very welcome support. Everything around us disappears for a moment. It is just us. Just two broken siblings trying to glue together the remnants of their lives. Tiberius said he would show me once again where my place was and he has. My place is on the ground. Crying. My place is by my brother's side getting him through his darkest moments. My place is right here, protecting everyone I hold dear. He showed me exactly where my place was and there is nowhere else I want to be right now. 

We hear the front door open and close and Gloss tenses up and starts to tremble. 

‘Gloss, it’s okay. Gus was at your door when I got here and I asked him to get Fibre and Rosie. You need help. Let them help you.’ I whisper to him. 

I hear Rosie scream my name from downstairs just before I hear them storm up the stairs. Fibre enters first, followed by his wife and Augustus, who doesn’t seem to have regained any color in the meantime. 

‘What the fuck!’ Fibre loudly exclaims at the sight before him. His anger clearly showing. ‘What happened?’ 

‘I will explain later. Just please help me get him on the bed.’ I tell him and Augustus and Fibre spring into action at once. They carefully grab Gloss by his arms trying not to aggravate his back too much. Gloss makes extremely uncomfortable noises when they move him and I know he tries to hold it in. He never shows how much pain he is in. Never has and probably never will. 

I hadn’t even noticed Rosie starting to move. She slips into Gloss’s bathroom to grab supplies and comes back with a bowl of water and some washcloths. She looks at me before I nod in understanding. We need to clean his wounds before they get infected. I see her notice the bruise on my cheek but we both agree I am not the most important right now. 

Fibre is holding Gloss’s hand while we try to clean the blood from his back. His eyes are closed and he is biting down on a rolled up shirt I gave him. His back looks awful. There is a big collection of bruises in between the torn up skin and I can only imagine the pain he must be in. I frantically search Gloss’s escape-bag for any painkillers but he hasn’t brought any home. The best I can give him is some of Melia’s miracle cream but that is hardly enough. He will have a terrible night and won't be able to truly relax until he gets through remake tomorrow. Never thought I would look forward to that but this time I want it to happen today instead of tomorrow. 

After we’ve cleaned him up to the best of our abilities I let Rosie check my own injuries. Fibre is making tea while Rosie checks the bruise on my face and the marks on my throat. Augustus wanted to stay with his mentor, or more likely not leave him unattended and we were happy to oblige. Gloss is fast asleep. He is still in a lot of pain but the exhaustion was stronger and took over. 

Rosie visibly shutters when she notices the marks on my throat while Fibre closes his eyes to take a deep breath and I can’t help but feel sorry for them. They were never supposed to be a part of this. They were never supposed to see the true ugliness of our lives. 

‘Any other injuries you need me to look at?’ Rosie asks me after she finishes with my face which has turned up almost black with some terrible swelling. 

I hesitate for a moment. Yes, my butt hurts. It hurts like hell. It hurts even more now that I am taking my time to breath. But do I want to show that to Rosie? I don’t even know if I bled from the assault. I think I did. What if Rosie finds out what they did? 

‘I - No.’ I tell her, looking down. 

‘Cashmere, don’t lie to me.’ She tells me, friendly but stern. 

I sigh heavily, looking at them both. 

‘I might have some of those stripes on my - on my backside.’ I whisper. 

Rosie closes her eyes for a moment.

‘I will take a look at them later, okay?’ She tells me and I only nod as a reply. 

Fibre puts a glass in front of me on the table while he sits down next to Rosie. The radio is blaring in the background to drown out our conversation to the bugs. 

‘So what happened exactly?’ Fibre asks. 

I sigh before I start talking. 

‘After Augustus won we knew what was going to happen. We knew he was going to be forced to work and we tried to prepare him. Tiberius and Helio turned up this afternoon telling us they were here to pick him and us up. Why, I have no idea, but they did. Tiberius holds patronage over Gloss as Helio holds mine. It is a shitload of bullshit and a license to do whatever they like. Tiberius is a genuine sadist and has done this to Gloss multiple times already but never this bad.’ I tell them. 

‘Can’t you do anything about this? Tell the people who are in charge what they are doing?’ Rosie tries. 

I laugh at her.

‘We can’t. Tiberius is as close to our pimp as you can get. Snow employs us but Tiberius is calling the shots and arranging our appointments. He is the one who is supposed to keep us in line and focused on our work. He is the worst of the lot. He already arranged a full tribute-turned-victor treatment when we arrive in the Capitol tomorrow to erase all the marks they left. We have absolutely nothing against him.’

‘So you will leave tomorrow?’ Fibre asks and I nod. 

‘And Augustus is coming with you?’ 

I nod again. 

‘Fuck.’ Fibre exclaims, clearly feeling as helpless as we all do. 

I silently sip form my tea, trying to relax, while staring at my brother and sister in law. Fibre seems years older than before we told him. The bags under his eyes not only from the sleepless nights Vic gives them or from the strain of work. Our suffering is hurting him. Draining him. 

‘Fibre, I am sorry. You weren’t supposed to see this. But I didn’t know what else to do.’ I tell him. 

Fibre sighs before he looks me in the eye. 

‘Cash, don’t apologize. I hate that we aren’t able to really help you, but let us at least help you with this. It is the least we can do.’ 

His voice is calm and reassuring, just like Gloss when he helps me cope. I let out a sigh of relief as I feel a single tear slip down my face. 

* * *

Gus is sleeping in the chair next to Gloss’s head. Worry is still etched on his face and the frown on his forehead tells me he might be dreaming. Gloss is sleeping as well. His face has pain written all over it and I hate Tiberius once again for doing this in a place in which we don’t have anything to numb the pain. I sit down on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb him, while I sweep the stray hairs out of his eyes. He looks so small like this. So small but so immensely strong. My rock, my oxygen. 

‘Does he know?’ 

I look at Augustus in surprise. I hadn’t noticed him waking up.

‘Does who know?’ I reply. 

‘You know who I mean.’ Gus is careful not to mention his name and that makes me realize who he is talking about. 

I sigh. 

‘He found out about two weeks ago after he calmed you down at the academy.’ I tell him. ‘I had told him about my life and he came to the right conclusion when he heard your ramblings about owning a debt.’ 

Augustus remains silent for a while. 

‘I never imagined it would be like this. I thought about what it would feel like to be a victor, I imagined it might be hard to deal with the blood on your hands. I imagined it might be hard to deal with sending kids into the games. But I never imagined this.’ 

‘No one ever does when they scream those words.’ 

It remains silent again while we both stare at our sleeping mentor. The guy who helped us survive but is now utterly depended on us to help him survive. 

‘Cashmere, I am scared.’ Augustus suddenly says, his voice shrill and small. He has tucked his legs into his chest and I can see tears in his eyes. 

I feel my heart break at his words. Of course he is scared. We all were before our first trip. We all still are whenever the Capitol calls. 

‘I know you are. But we will not let you down. Finnick and Ena are good people, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We will get you through this.’ 

‘I know. But what if I fuck up. What if I let my mother lose another child? Skeet is only eight, he is still a child. And Christy is just a baby, she turned six last week. How can I protect them when I have no clue what I am doing. I don’t want them to get hurt. I will never forgive myself if something happens to them.’ He says. 

Gloss moans in his sleep and I grab his hand to comfort him. Has Gloss ever forgiven himself for getting me into Tiberius’s scope? Has he ever forgiven himself for following orders and in his words ‘raping’ me? He always tries to the best of his abilities to protect me but he is limited. He can’t shield me from harm but he tries anyway. 

‘You can’t fuck up, period. But that still will not guarantee they will not get hurt. Gloss has never fucked up and look at him now. I never fucked up and still they use us against each other. Our family is still safe from harm but we don’t know if that will remain that way. They are unpredictable and will stop at nothing less than absolute control.’ I tell him.

He stares at me for a long time. 

‘So, how do I do that? How do I keep myself from screwing up?’ He asks. 

‘Always remember who you're fighting for. Remember the anger you felt when Ava died, the anger you felt when Snow told you what you were supposed to do. Hold on to that anger, keep it in but hold onto it. Make it your fuel. Gloss always tells me to breathe. To let it flow over me and fight with the same determination I fought with in the games. The determination to save our family. Remember that and preserve as much of the real Gus as you can. Keep your siblings locked away and protect them with your life. They deserve a better future then we have.’ I say. 

I reach out my free hand to him and he grabs it immediately. 

‘We will never let you fall. Just keep fighting.’ I say squeezing his hand. 

‘I - I think I can do that.’ He whispers back. 

‘I am sure you can.’


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang is back together.

I stay by Gloss’s side the rest of the night sending Augustus home to make sure he has his bags packed for the next morning. Fibre and Rosie want to stay too but I don’t want to risk them meeting Helio en Tiberius and send them home as well. The chair in Gloss’s room isn’t comfortable and I can’t say I sleep much that night but being at Gloss’s side is more important than the amount of sleep I get, so I don’t complain. 

Gloss wakes up early in the morning still groaning in pain when he tries to move which instantly wakes me. He tells me the pain is manageable and that he wants to walk to the car. I know he is stubborn and doesn't want me to know he is suffering but I also get why he doesn’t want to give Tiberius the satisfaction of seeing him on a stretcher, unable to walk. 

The walk to the car is slow and painful for him but he is fighting through it with all his strength. For the first time there are multiple cars to take us there. One for Tiberius and Helio, who have just paid Gus a visit, one for Gus and one for the two of us. Tiberius has a wide grin on his face when he looks at the struggling form of my brother. It is impossible to get in a car without moving his back and his jaw is set in stone to manage the movement. I throw an evil look in Tiberius’s direction but he doesn’t even notice me, like always when he has the two of us together. 

Once we enter the train Gloss and I don’t even bother to go to the common area. Gloss is exhausted and he needs a bed to rest. He needs to sleep and I need to stay with him to make sure he is okay.  _ Only a couple of hours left brother. You are almost there.  _ I tell myself. Augustus also chooses to stay in his compartment for the duration of the journey, all of us actively ignoring our Capitol companions. 

Another car is waiting for us in the Capitol, delivering Augustus to the victor’s floor and his new apartment and Gloss and me to the tribute centre. Going through remake again feels weird. It is like I am in the games all over again. Being stripped and polished once again like a pig who is readied for slaughter. But this time I will not go into the arena, not in the literal sense of the word. 

I instantly relax when they lower me in a bath with healing balm. The medicine sticks to my skin like glue and starts mending my wounds right away. I can hear a similar sigh from the room next to mine when Gloss gets the same treatment and a wave of peace washes over me. His pain is finally gone. 

‘Cashmere, what are you doing here?’ I hear suddenly and I open my eyes at once. 

Caius is in front of me wearing a white doctor's coat, a stethoscope around his neck. I never realised he was a doctor and I had never seen him at remake before. Maybe I did not notice him when I was a tribute, only focusing on my prep team and everything they wanted from me. But if they administered medicine over here they must have a doctor present. 

‘I - Another tour to the Capitol, I had a little accident at home so they decided to send me through remake.’ I lie. 

Caius slowly walks over to me looking at the bruise on my face. I had covered it with makeup for our departure but when they hosed me down it became visible again in all its glory. His fingers slowly touch the bruising, examining it with his profesional eye. 

‘That is a nasty bruise you got going there. I hope the thing you collided with is okay.’ He jokes and I don’t know how to answer. 

His eyes narrow at my lack of response and he starts examining the bruise once again. This time looking specifically at the edges and the shape of the bruise. His eye falls on the marks on my throat, he doesn’t even need to touch them to know what they are. I feel my heartbeat rising, afraid he will come to a conclusion that will get me in trouble. 

‘Who hit you?’ He asks and I start to panic. 

‘No one, I had an accident.’ I tell him once again. 

He sighs.

‘Whatever you walked into had fingers then?’ He says sarcastically. 

I grab his wrist before he moves away, knowing I might be overstepping a dozen boundaries. 

‘Please, don’t tell him. You will get me into trouble if you do. I am just trying to protect my loved ones.’ I beg him. 

I realize I am asking him not to tell the President, his close friend and the man who has power over every aspect of my life. I am asking him to lie in case the President asks and I don’t know if I can ask as much of him. 

He looks at me with surprise in his eyes. 

‘I am sorry if I overstep. But please, I don’t need anymore trouble right now.’ 

The surprise in his eyes switches to concern and understanding. He knows about my life and the things I am forced to do. He probably has heard about what happens when I don’t perform. He is not stupid and he is close to Snow. He must know the fear he sees is real.

‘Okay. I will not tell, but know I will keep an eye on you. If they keep abusing you like this I have to do something about it. I am a doctor, Cashmere. I can not deny my oath to help people.’ 

I nod at him before I let go of his wrist. Averting danger for now. 

The next couple of hours go by rather fast. For probably the first time ever I am able to relax. I only have to lay down and every blemish, bruise and mark disappears. Nothing on my body reminds me of the terrible night we just had and when I look at Gloss I am glad to see his face is relaxed again, no more signs of pain. 

It is awfully silent as we walk onto the Victor’s floor. I notice the new name tag on an earlier empty apartment right away but there is no sign of life in or around the apartment. The lights are off behind the little windows next to the door. As are the lights behind Ena and Finn’s doors. For a moment I am scared that Augustus is already working but then I notice the lights are lit in our apartment. Either Ena or Finnick has scooped him up already and made sure he was okay. 

The loud chatter from our couch stops when we step over the doorstep. Three pairs of worried eyes staring at us. 

‘Thank god, you two are safe.’ Enobaria exclaims, obviously relieved. ‘Augustus told us what happened, those bastards really overstepped this time.’ 

She jumps up from the couch and flings herself into Gloss’s arms. Ena was never the one who liked cuddles, she must have been really worried if she flings herself at him like this. Gloss happily receives her touch, being able to do that without hurting must be a relief.

Finnick remains silent but rises as well making his way over to me. I nestle myself in the crook of his neck, smelling the sea and feeling at home in his arms instantly, He once told me the sea breeze had healing properties and I am more and more convinced there is some truth to that. Finn never looks better then when he just comes from Four with the sea breeze fresh in his nose. 

Finnick might have created an excellent mask to hide behind but this time I can see genuine worry in his eyes. The images of my attempt to save his mom most likely on the forefront. Picturing those same injuries on Gloss by the hands of the same people.

‘Yeez, Cash, we were so worried. Are you okay?’ He whispers. 

‘Don’t worry. I just had some bruises, nothing major.’ I reply when he lets go and hugs Gloss after me. 

It doesn't take long before the whole story is told. I tell Gloss my side of the story, never calling Jules by his name but referring to him as Gus’s trainer, and he tells me his. They had shown up at his doorstep demanding to know where I was. Gloss, of course, didn’t know and tried to save my back. They decided not to take it, forced Gloss down and tied his arms and legs with some cable ties from the shack. Stuffing his shirt in his mouth before they left to my house to wait for me there. 

He had heard my screams just like I had heard his. Apparently Augustus knew something was going on, witnessing both the conversation in my front yard and the screams from both our houses shortly after. Seeing Tiberius and remembering the last conversation they had, had scared him into doing nothing at first. Until the screaming ceased and he saw Tiberius leave. 

‘Is it true they visited you last year?’ I ask Finnick, desperate to know if they told us the truth. 

‘Yeah, they did. But I thought it was mostly because Mags wasn’t allowed to come with me. I figured they wouldn't let me get on a train alone.’ 

So they had at least been honest about that part. Of course they hadn’t touched Finnick like they had touched my brother and me. Finnick had supposedly been a virgin and they wanted to keep it that way until the celebration. I sniggered inside at the fact that he hadn’t been one. Gus hadn’t been one as well, Gloss had asked him right way after their meeting with Snow. His status at the academy had luckily secured him at least one date with a girl. 

Augustus is unusually silent through the whole conversation. Absentmindedly staring in the distance, a thousand thoughts dancing around in his mind. Gloss is sitting beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. His eyes are focused on his pupil as well, taking in his sad and reserved demeanour. It doesn’t take long for Ena and Finn to notice it too. 

‘Gus, what is on your mind?’ Gloss eventually asks. 

Gus sighs heavily before he answers. 

‘How do you do this? I mean, you are all here able to laugh and function while we all know what we are really doing here.’ 

All of us grow silent for a moment. 

‘It doesn’t help to sulk in self pity but it does help to find joy in each other and enjoy the time we don’t have to work.’ Finnick says. ‘But that takes time. I am not able to see it like that every day. But I am able to relax way better than I was during my first trip.’ 

‘All of us had to learn, Gus.’ Ena says. ‘But we will help you. Ever since Gloss joined me we have been a team. We will never let each other down. We will take care of each other. Protect each other and make sure we don’t mess up.’ 

Augustus nods slightly before he lowers his head in his tucked up knees. While the others talk about home I keep focusing on Augustus. He still seems tense and I know he still has hundreds of unanswered questions. His eyes wander over the room and fall to the five red envelopes on the dining table waiting to be opened. A shudder runs through his body. 

‘Gus.’ I say. ‘You don’t have to be scared to talk to us. You can ask anything, my dignity went away the moment I had my first client. What is bothering you?’ 

He looks at me with tears in his eyes. For a moment he looks about his little brother's age, not showing any signs of the experienced and trained killer he is. 

‘What if I find a man’s name in that envelope? What if he is violent like Tiberius?’ 

I see Finnick flinch, his first male wasn’t a success and we both paid the price for that. I get his worry however. Having sex with a woman is something he has done before. He knows what it is supposed to be like and how to act. He may even be attracted to his customers which makes his work way easier. But being with a man is new. Being on the receiving side and bowing down to someone is new for him. 

‘I screwed up with my first male.’ Finnick bluntly tells him. ‘I panicked and almost got my mom killed. Cashmere and Gloss saved her and me from that. Gloss gave me tools and drugs to accept it at my second chance. A second chance which both of them suffered for.’ 

Augustus' eyes grow big at Finn’s revelation. 

‘But we will not let that happen again. We will not send you in unprepared.’ Gloss says. ‘Most of our clients are regulars. They keep returning, sometimes switching between victor’s, but there are hardly any new ones. So when you find a man on your card, show it to any one of us and we will be able to tell you what to expect. We have drugs to numb the pain beforehand if we know they are most likely violent. Cash and I did not have those at home, which is why I was screaming and why I passed out. Normally I take drugs before I see Tiberius, and they help. I even have drugs to make everything down there relaxed so it won’t hurt as much.’ 

‘It still hurts sometimes though. I think both the girls can attest to that as well.’ Finn says, while he looks to Ena and me. Enobaria nods slightly and I reluctantly nod as well. ‘There are ways to cope with the pain. I can teach you if you want too.’ 

This time it is Gus who nods. Telling him there are drugs and ways to cope calms him somewhat. He has a lot to learn, but he will get there. 

I have a feeling that Finnick and Gus might be able to bond a lot. Finnick will turn seventeen this week and Augustus is eighteen, even though I am just a year older than Gus I feel like an old lady. Both of the boys still have some young blood in them. Finnick somehow refuses to grow up completely and when he is in the mood he is able to be a pain in the ass like a real teenager. Mags told me Finnick is a lot to handle for his parents, always defying every rule, being stubborn at every turn. Mags tries to tell his parents he needs space but we both know he is trying to be a teenager in every way he still can. Being robbed of almost every other teenage experience by the Capitol. But his parents don’t know that. 

The fact that Rosie, Fibre and now Jules know about our job is a rarity. Just like we originally intended we keep our families out of the loop. Ena has Brutus and Lyme to talk to, Finnick has Mags, Augustus has us just like Gloss and I have each other. There is no need to get more people in danger for knowing. 

‘You will be fine Gus. Remember who you are protecting. It helps.’ Gloss says and I smile at his remark. Just like I told Augustus at Gloss’s bedside yesterday. 

Gus also smiles when he hears the familiar remark. 

Suddenly Finnick gets up from the couch stretching his body like he just woke up. He moves over to the little cupboard below our television, takes something out and throws it in Gloss’s lap. Gloss starts smirking immediately when he sees what landed in front of him. 

‘It is time for revenge big guy.’ Finnick gloats looking over at Gloss with his playful teenager look in his eyes. 

Augustus looks in surprise at the sudden change of mood and the competitive glances between the two victors. 

‘You’re on, seaweed.’ Gloss replies. 

It doesn’t take long before they have thrown Augustus into their fantasy world of videogames. Finnick and Gloss have quite a competition going once they are here and they are very prepared to make Gus part of it. 

I look at Gloss with pure joy. He is different when he is playing games with Finn. He is like the teenager he never got to be after he was reaped. Seeing him like this reminds me of the time before the games invaded our lives and decided every aspect of them. It sucks to have to see Finnick and Augustus go through all of this with us but I am glad they are here for Gloss. 

‘Shall we leave them alone?’ Ena whispers to me gesturing to the kitchen with her head.

I nod as a response. I have been wanting to ask her something and this feels like a good opportunity. The boys are loud enough to drown out the bugs. 

Enobaria knows her way around our kitchen and grabs two glasses and a bottle of wine for us to share. As long as we do not get too drunk to perform we will be fine. We happily settle on the barstools in the kitching still watching the boys out of the corner of our eyes. They look so young and carefree from here. An image that will be shattered in mere hours when we are all working to earn our place in this world. 

‘Can I ask you something?’ I ask Ena, now as perfect a time as ever. 

‘Sure.’ Ena shrugs, taking a large gulp from her wine glass. 

I take a deep breath to build up some courage. 

‘Have you ever tried a relationship with someone from home?’ I ask softly. 

Enobaria’s eyes grow bigger and I see a smile form on her face. 

‘Can’t say I have. Never got farther than being friends with benefits. No one was ever important enough to be more than that.’ 

‘Friends with benefits? Really?’ 

Ena laughs slightly. 

‘Come on Cash. Sex can be fun. And it is when you are not forced by someone to be together. It just so happens that it is a good outlet for all my frustration.’ 

I take a few sips while I make up my mind on which question to ask next. Ena has always been very open about things. She will not mind that I ask her how to handle being intimate with Jules. I want to be intimate with him. Want to share everything with him. But I just don’t know how to do that without freaking out. The last time I had seks voluntarily was with Finnick and even though that was nice it still felt as working somehow. I don’t want it to feel like that with Jules. I want it to be real. 

‘How do you do that? How can I be intimate with someone without it feeling like a chore?’ I ask her. 

Ena looks at me with a puzzled look in her eyes. She takes in every bit of me, looking for whatever signs she is hoping to find. 

‘Tell me about him.’ She says, eyes locked on mine.

I feel a blush rush to my cheeks when I think about Jules. I see his image in my mind, his curly hair and his broad shoulders. The dimples in his cheeks when he smiles. I feel his warm hand in mine. His warm arms holding me in a tight embrace in the shadows of a tree. 

‘’What makes you think he is someone special?’ I reply. 

Enobaria laughs hard, almost catching the attention of the boys. 

‘Well, despite what everyone thinks you are not one to sleep around. You both aren’t which makes these rumours all the more hilarious. So if you are willing to sleep with him, he must be special.’ 

I take another big gulp from my wine glass, avoiding Ena’s eyes. I might be experienced in bed but I feel so extremely blue in doing it the right way. I may have a thousand tricks up my sleeve to make sure Jules enjoys our time together. I can make him cum in a thousand different ways but I know nothing about love making.

‘He was Gus’s trainer at the academy.’ I whisper. ‘I don’t really know what it is about him but he and I just, I don’t know, we just fit together I guess. I hate that he works at the academy but I can’t blame him for accepting a job offer when he needed one. He just listens I guess. I can talk to him and he doesn’t judge. I told him about the risk he was taking with me, but he said he thought I am worth every risk in the world.’ 

‘Does he know?’ Ena asks.

‘Yes.’ I say silently. ‘He figured it out on his own after he found Augustus having a panic attack at the academy.’ 

‘And what did he say?’ Ena asks curiously. 

‘He was mad. He cried and screamed. But he wasn’t mad at me. He was mad at the world. And - And I just don’t get it. Why is he not disgusted with me? Why is he still interested?’ 

Ena looks at me before she answers. 

‘Cash, look at this from his perspective. You feel things for each other, you both don’t know what or in which way it is possible for you to be. Imagine that you found out he was forced to have sex with other people. What would you do? Push him away or make sure he is okay and support him?’

I feel tears forming in my eyes. I had never thought about it this way. I think of myself as this disgusting creature but I never think the same way about Finnick. Somehow with Finn I can see that he has no say in it. Why can’t I see that for myself? Why do I keep telling myself I caused my own misery? Ena volunteered too, is she responsible for what she has to put up with? Is Augustus? 

‘He accepted it right?’ Ena asks. I nod as a reply. ‘Then why are you scared? He has accepted your darkest secrets and did not push you away. It is hard for him, just like it is hard for you but it is out of your control. They take enough, don't let them take this too.’ 

Ena’s hand is enclosing my shaking one to give me some support. I feel myself trembling like a leaf letting out all my frustration over something I want so badly. I want Jules like I have never wanted anything before. He gives me room to be who I am, in every dark and fucked up way I want to. He gives me room to set the pace, promising to never force me to do anything. He has been fine with holding hands and sparse cuddles for weeks now. Never pressing for something more. Never pushing at my limits. 

So why am I scared? Jules will not be like the men I see here in the Capitol. He will be gentle and loving, wanting me to enjoy every part of it. But what if I can’t see the two things apart? What if I get scared and call Cashmere the Victor to the forefront? I don’t want him to meet her. I don’t want her to be there when I am with him. 

‘I just - How do I keep this life out of our relationship? How can I share a bed with him and not panic or retreat into this mindless being I so often become when I am here? Heck, I haven’t even kissed him yet out of fear for what will happen.’ 

‘How long have you known him?’ Ena asks.

‘I met him just after the two and a half months Finn and I spent here last year.’ 

Ena laughs at me before she grabs the bottle to give us both another glass. 

‘Honey, why are you scared if you have known him this long and he hasn’t kissed you? Most men lose patience if it takes this long. He is a good one who will give you all the space you need. If you both want this you should go for it. Take baby steps, set your boundaries. He will wait for you when you are ready.’ 

I gladly take another glass while I think about it. 

‘So where do we start?’ I ask. 

‘Well, maybe you should start by kissing him and see how that goes.’ Ena replies. ‘Don’t do this like you are used to. You need to take your time. It is fine to be together and not have sex. You will find out what he likes, you know what men like in general. Be amazed by what he can do for you. Enjoy it together and just say stop when you feel uncomfortable. You may not be allowed to say stop here in the Capitol, but you can with him.’ 

I take another sip while I look at the boys on the couch. Gus and Finnick are now playing and Gus is taking over the enthusiasm, yelling when he wins a point, blaming the other when he loses one. Gloss is sitting on the couch watching over them like a big brother. 

It is hard to imagine that he has been living this life for four years now. Fighting his way through four years worth of clients, dealing with his demons at home while pretending he is okay for the outside world. The scars might be erased from his back but I know they are still there. He is keeping his back straight, playing tough to appear as a rock for Finn and Gus, but I know he is hurting. 

When I glance over at Ena I see her lost in her own world. The wine glass hanging loosely between her fingers and her eyes staring in the distance. Ena has been doing this even longer than Gloss. I still can’t get my head around how she managed to do her first year. I am sure Lyme helped her through it on her victory tour but she had no one to talk to who could really understand. 

She was seventeen when she won her games by ripping out the throat of her last opponent. Playing into the fantasies in the Capitolites heads they filed her teeth into fangs, something I asked her about right away. They had done it right at remake after they pulled her out of the arena. Lyme had told them not to do it, but Snow overruled her and made it happen anyway. Her altered teeth make her look scary but Ena is really not that dangerous at all. Her reputation makes sure that people keep their distance just like people in One do with Gloss and me. 

We victors are some kind of a myth. People who are raised above the rest of the world because we were lucky enough to make it out of a battlefield full of murderous children. It is almost ironic that most of us don’t feel like we are better at all. Maybe Brutus thinks he is a god and one or two other careers might act the same way. Most of us, however, are prone to wail in self pity. 

How many of these privileged victors have found that some kind of addiction is the only way to drown out the demons? Some drown in alcohol, others in drugs. Most prefer the isolation we get from the world around us. Not wanting to know the parents of the tributes they will take with them. Not wanting to be confronted with the families of those already lost. Most of them don’t have families out of fear of what will happen to them. Most of them are just alone. Alone in this big an angry world. Alone with all their wealth and no one to share it with. 

Some of us don’t even get a chance to get isolated. Some of us don’t get rest between the games at all. Constantly being dragged back to the Capitol to perform our duties to repay our debts. Other victors must have debts just like us but they were fortunately not attractive enough that it mattered. Sometimes I wish I was ugly or had received an injury so severe it could not be mended. My life would have been so different then.

When will we reach the age to be done with all of this? Ena is twenty-two now and has been working for the last five years. When will it be enough? Will the Capitol ever tire of us? Will they ever think it is enough? Or do we have to wait until there are enough of us so we can be replaced? 

‘Thanks Ena.’ I mumble. 

‘Don’t bother, I am glad to help. We are family.’ Ena replies. 

I look at her as we clink our glasses together toasting to the undeniable bond that has formed between all of us. Forced by what we are, but a bond nonetheless. 

‘Enobaria Sanchez, you do have a heart.’ I hear from behind me while two familiar arms wrap around Ena’s waist. My brother hugging her from behind, placing a soft kiss on the crook of her neck. 

‘Fuck off,  _ pretty boy. _ ’ Ena answers but I can only laugh at the two of them. 

‘Don’t tell me you love my sister but you don’t love me.’ Gloss pouts, using his little boy voice, placing another kiss. 

‘No I don’t. Now get off me.’ Ena replies while trying to slap his arms away from her waist. 

I immediately know they are playing. If Ena really wanted to get away she would have by now. Knowing enough tricks to break up Gloss’s hold on her. 

‘Ouch. That hurts, love.’ Gloss taunts, a smirk on his face. ‘You just blew a giant hole in my chest.’ 

I see Ena close her eyes and lean back into his touch. My brother's arms hold her tightly as I see him, too, close his eyes. They hold each other for a while, seemingly happy in each other's embrace. It is almost serene to see them together, so relaxed in a place like this. I know they grew close in the year before my games, calling each other to share their experiences. Seeking each other’s help during the games. They never told me there was more to them together then friendship and I don’t care if there is. Labels will never be allowed so why put labels on anything? If they enjoy being together, seeking eachothers comfort, then who am I to say they can’t? 

All of us are awoken from our daydreams by a sharp knock on the door. Finnick and Gus immediately stop the game they were playing, Gloss and Ena step away from each other like one of them is toxic all of a sudden and I almost drop my glass at the sound of the door. All of us stare at the door in a state of attention. 

When it opens I see the people around me freeze on the spot. 

‘Good, you are all here.’ 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knock knock, you have a visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early christmas present! I am on break from work so I have a lot of time to write. Hence a new chapter so soon. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Stay safe and celebrate the wonderful things we have!

All of us are stuck to the ground out of fear. I instantly lower my eyes and I see Ena do the same. Finnick lowers his whole head while he puts his feet apart and holds his arms behind his back. I feel sick when I realize he must have been instructed to do so. Gloss’s reaction is even more extreme as he falls to the floor to assume his position. His knees slightly apart while his hands rest on his thighs, his head lowered in obedience. 

Augustus is looking at all of us in confusion before he makes the smart decision to lower his eyes as well. His body is fidgeting nervously at the sight of our visitor, now knowing what this man is capable of. 

‘What a lovely display of obedience. Just like I expect it to be.’ Tiberius gloats, slowly walking into the room, closing the door behind him. I see the white uniforms of two peacekeepers in the hallway just before it closes. Apparently he needs his protection to get here. 

All of us remain silent while he walks towards Gloss. Augustus is following him as well as he can beneath his lowered eyes. 

‘ _ Puer,  _ I am glad to see you up and running again. Capitol medicine can work such miracles don’t you think?’ 

Tiberius’s fingers roughly grab Gloss’s chin and pull his head up to face him. Gloss knows better than to look him in the eye and keeps his eyes lowered. 

‘Yes,  _ dominus. _ ’ is his only answer. 

Augustus’s eyes grow even bigger at the sight before him, Finnick stays absolutely still, not moving a muscle, and I can see Ena balling her fists in anger. I try not to let my emotions take over. Degrading Gloss like this has been happening since Gloss got out of the arena. I have seen him with a collar around his neck. I have seen him whipped and bloodied. I have seen him being raped. His humiliation knows no limits. But neither Finnick nor Ena has ever seen Tiberius work. Neither of them has held a broken down Gloss on the train home. 

‘Good. Now where is our newest addition?’ Tiberius says as he lets go of Gloss and scans the room. His eyes soon find Augustus who looks years younger than he is under this man's watchful eye. Tiberius motions for Augustus to move closer and Gus moves without hesitation. 

‘Good boy.’ Tiberius says when Gus stops in front of him. ‘Now, Finnick, why don’t you tell Augustus rule number One.’ 

Finnick swallows loudly before he is able to talk.

‘Never look you in the eye, master.’ 

I feel my heart break a little. It might not be as bad as the terms Gloss has to use but hearing those submissive words out of the teenager’s mouth hurts me to the core. Is Tiberius so scared of their power that he needs to degrade every male victor to a submissive slave? Finnick is sixteen, he is not a threat. He has learned from the one time he freaked out, he will not step out of line again. 

‘Good. I see you got that rule quite fast, Augustus. Never look me in the eye unless I explicitly tell you to. I will teach you your position of obedience when you get to visit me next week. Now,  _ puer _ , tell Augustus my second rule.’ 

‘Follow orders and never refuse,  _ dominus. _ ’ Gloss says with his eyes fixed on the ground. 

‘Excellent. If you fail to follow this rule your family will pay. Orders can be anything. From keeping your mouth shut till fucking one of your friends. You will do as you're told without hesitation and you will be just fine.’ Tiberius taunts. 

‘Yes, sir,’ Augustus says without hesitation. 

‘Good.’ 

I almost think our ordeal is over and we will be free of this man once again but Tiberius doesn’t leave. Instead he circles around the five of us silently. He lingers at Finnick’s side for a moment before he whispers something in his ear. I did not think Finn’s muscles could get any more tense but apparently they can. I see him grab his own hands even tighter behind his back and his head hangs even further down. 

Tiberius barely looks at Enobaria before he moves over to me. Standing in front of me, his hand lodges in my brother's hair, stroking him like a pet. It is once again degrading and humiliating but Gloss doesn’t even seem to notice. Forced into this world of obedience without asking questions. 

‘That used to be it. Just those two sacred rules. Until someone decided to be a pain in the ass and complain to the one person I answer to.’ 

I feel a lump in my throat as Tiberius’s accusing look fixes on me. He must blame me for the abuse Caius reported to Snow. The reporting in which I had no say and didn’t even know was happening until it was too late. I even told Caius not to mention our visit to the remake center to Snow. But still he blamed me. 

‘I never -’ I try to say but I stop right away when I hear Gloss whimper beside me, Tiberius’s hand now fisting his hair and pulling roughly. Gloss’s eyes are still cast downward, showing nothing apart from the audible whimpers.

‘Don’t even try to make excuses, I don’t care. I am just here to let you know about the new rule. No narking, no complaining, no wailing in self pity like all those worthless other victors. I don’t want to hear a word about how hard your life is because I don’t care. This is all you will ever be good for. I order, you obey. That’s it.’ 

I nod slowly at him. My blood is boiling but there is no use to go against him right now. Or ever really. He has our lives in the palm of his hands, squeezing every once in a while to let us squirm on the ground. 

‘Now Cashmere.’ Tiberius chuckles. ‘You know better than to answer me like that.  _ Puer,  _ show her how it is done.’

I see Gloss chance his position out of the corner of my eye and I am instantly disgusted by the sight before me. He places his wrists crossed over each other on the ground before he leans forward to rest his head upon his hands. If his ‘normal’ position wasn’t humiliating enough, this one sure is. 

I can see Ena close her eyes beside me, not wanting to see anything of this, but I can’t keep my eyes off my brother on the ground. 

‘ _ Puer,  _ what is your sole purpose in this life?’ 

Gloss doesn’t even hesitate. 

‘To obey and serve you, _ dominus. _ ’ He says in a clear voice. 

I come so close to vomiting that I actually have to keep my arms from moving upward towards my face. An unadulterated hate for the person in front of me flashes through my body like a wildfire. What gives him the right to make a slave of my brother? What has he ever done to deserve this? Is this the punishment for surviving a game he never chose to compete in? 

‘Good boy. You may return to your position.’ Tiberius says and Gloss immediately moves back to his first pose. 

‘Let all of this be as clear as day to all of you. I don’t want any upset customers or pleadings for a second chance. I don’t want fuck ups, none of you will be allowed to do anything less than your absolute best. And make sure he is prepared.’ Tiberius says, pointing at Augustus before he stalks off slamming the door behind him. 

Enobaria instantly moves from her position, throwing up loudly in the kitchen sink. She keeps retching for almost a minute. Finnick crashes to the floor as if all the tension in his muscles has suddenly left, his shoulders hunched while his head rests against the back of the couch. Augustus slowly lowers himself on that same couch, stunned by what just happened in front of him. 

Gloss, however, doesn’t move an inch. He remains in his same submissive position not even seeming to notice that Tiberius is gone. 

I fall down to my knees immediately, putting my hand on his thigh in an attempt to let him know that he is safe. Still he doesn’t move a muscle, waiting for Tiberius to call him to action. 

I notice a small twitch in his fingers when I grab his outstretched hands and squeeze them slightly. 

‘Gloss, you’re safe. Come back to me. He is gone.’ I tell him. 

His shoulders start to move first. Shaking violently to accustom his heartbreaking sobs. His head stays lowered while tears stream down his cheeks. His body looks defeated and small. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Ena make her way over to Finnick to make sure he is okay. He must have had some dealings with Tiberius that he did not tell me about and that makes me sad. He was probably too humiliated to tell me about them. 

Gloss’s sobs get louder and I feel my heart ache. 

‘Gloss, can I hold you?’ I ask him, desperate to cuddle him but still respecting his boundaries. 

He nods silently and I instantly throw my arms around him. He slums sideways against my shoulder melting in my arms like chocolat. His head fits under my chin and I slowly stroke his back with my fingers. He keeps his eyes closed while tears keep streaming down his face. 

‘It’s okay. You’re safe. He can’t hurt you now.’ I whisper in his ear to sooth him. 

He doesn’t react but I can feel his body sag into mine even more. Seeking the comfort and the warmth. Seeking safety. Gloss must feel extremely vulnerable, having to obey Tiberius in front of all of us. The strong demeanor he always carries lost in an instant. No more toughness, no brave face, just a small, frightened and broken boy. 

It doesn’t take him long to fall asleep against me. Tired from the tension and the strains of today. Only this morning he was limping to the car with his back littered in red stripes. 

‘Ena? How is Finn doing?’ I ask without moving a muscle. 

‘I’m fine, Cash.’ Finnick answers, closer than I expect him to be. 

‘Can you and Gus help me to get him to the couch? If he has to perform tonight, he needs to sleep.’ I ask him. 

‘Of course.’ Finn says, already reaching to take Gloss from me. 

Together they carefully hoist him up and carry him to the couch. Ena puts a pillow under his head while I fix him a blanket from his room. When he is safely tucked in on the couch I sit down beside him on the ground, grabbing his hand and holding it tight. 

‘Maybe we should open the envelopes.’ Ena states and I nod in agreement. Better to get this over with and prepare ourselves and Gus for what is expected. 

Ena gives everyone the envelope bearing their name, giving me the one bearing Gloss’s as well. Ena knows we always read each other's cards, no need to fuss about that. Ena and Finn open theirs without saying a word. Their blank faces do not tell me anything about the names on them. I watch Augustus as his trembling hands open the red envelope, afraid of what name he will find. 

‘Read it aloud Gus. Most of them are regulars, we can help you.’ I tell him.

He hesitates for a moment before he takes a deep breath. 

’Aemilia Crustus.’ 

I recognize the name from Gloss’s cards before Finn joined us. She probably went over to Finn as soon as she could. 

‘Finn?’ I ask, looking at my friend who is standing at the edge of the couch. 

‘She is okay. One of the ones that just want straight sex, a little bit of dirty talk and some show of dominance but not violent in any way.’ Finn answers. 

I can see some of the tension seep from Gus’s shoulders. It seems weird but the second time is even worse than the first time. The second time you get to think about the dirty feeling in every fibre of your being. The helplessness you feel. The fear for what the next client may ask of you. I feared the second time way more than the first time. The first time went by in a hace, still overwhelmed by it all. The second time showed me the harsh reality of my life. 

I hesitate slightly before I open my own envelope. On mine is a couple I have met before. They want to use me to bring some spirit into their otherwise dull mariage. Pleasing both parts of their union is a delicate matter and favoring one over the other could be potentially dangerous. I have to keep my mind with this one. No fleeing completely. Gloss has a date with one of his regulars. Clara Stone is mostly very lonely and needs some company. He could do worse after this exhausting day. 

Enobaria has been strangely silent during all of this. I can see her gesturing for Finn to prepare Gus and without a word both of the boys take off to Finn’s apartment. Gloss is breathing deeply, his face more relaxed than I have seen it in a while. Ena walks over to us, sitting down on the edge of the couch, near Gloss’s cropped up legs. 

‘What does he do to him?’ Enobaria almost whispers, her eyes fixed on Gloss’s face. 

‘I don’t think you want to know.’ I reply. 

Ena swallows heavily. 

‘Finn told me about your date together. About what Tiberius made you do and what he threatened to do.’ Ena says silently, intentionally not looking at me. ‘Did he do the same with Gloss and you?’ 

I can’t look at her, feeling so humiliated and disgusted. I’m afraid that if I look her in the eyes now I will crack into a million tiny pieces. So many of the orders Tiberius has given have hurt us. So many of them were forced on my brother. Forcing him to hurt me, to see me crumble, to take away his dignity and replace it with shame and guilt. 

Apparently my non-answer is enough of an answer to Ena. She swears under her breath and I can see her look away to hide the look on her face. 

‘He has been putting us against each other ever since I joined you. He spoke of leasing us as a pair from the moment I set foot in the Capitol on my victory tour. He was the first one to try it out though. Made Gloss fuck me while he fucked him. Whipped him bloody afterwards.’ 

It is like a dam has blown inside of me, letting the truth stream out of me like a waterfall. 

‘Remember the whipping marks on my back the night we tried to save Finn’s mom?’ I ask her and Ena slowly nods. ‘Gloss did that. On Tiberius’s orders with a collar around his neck like a dog. Ever since the start he has had this sadistic urge to punish Gloss and I don’t know why. Maybe he is scared of him. Maybe he is scared of all the male victors seeing what he is doing to Finn.’ 

I can see the tears in her eyes at my words. She cares for my brother and seeing him hurt like this is hard. I still think it is hard to watch. Even after a few years. 

‘Cash, this has to stop. Working for them is one thing but he is making the boys into his personal slaves. We can’t let that happen. I don’t want Finn and Gus to end up like Gloss, we can still stop them.’ Ena whispers. 

I laugh at her. 

‘And how exactly are we supposed to do that? I believe Tiberius just came up with a new rule just to make us not do that. In what way do you think you can manage that? I am not ready to lose a family member and I think Gloss will say the same.’ 

She looked at me for a moment, her eyes facant while thinking about a solution. Her hand is slowly stroking Gloss’s thigh. I think I will never get the relationship they share but they share something special. They care deeply for each other but don’t cling to each other like everyone else would do. Are they scared too? 

‘Then let me do it. Let me request an audience with Snow. Let me tell him what they do.’ 

My eyes grow big at what she is proposing. This is not a small thing to do, she will risk anything for us. Everything to protect the boys. 

‘You don’t have to do that. You have a family too. Don’t risk them for us.’ I tell her. 

‘Cashmere, be real. They already got my dad after I refused to work for them the first time. There was no one who told me the treats were real. No one to tell me what to do. So my only leverage is my mom, they won’t kill her unless they really have to. They will lose all the leverage they have over me if they do. You have a lot of family. They won’t hesitate to send you a message. Let me try this. Snow can be reasoned with, Tiberius might be calling the shots but if they kill a family member it has to come from Snow.’ 

‘But why? Why even risk it?’ I ask her, squeezing Gloss’ hand in the process. 

‘Because I can not lose you both. I can’t lose the boys. You are my family and we protect each other. Gloss might be fine this time but there will come a time when he isn’t. Don’t get me wrong he is one of the strongest people I know but even he will break, Cash. And when he does he will come down hard.’ 

I know she is right. Enobaria is wise beyond her years, forced by this way of life, and I already know that I will not be able to change her mind on this subject. Even if we do not agree with her, she will do it. 

‘Okay, You can go to Snow but do it just before we leave the Capitol. I don’t want it to come back to us while we are still here.’ I tell her. 

And with that, it is settled, Ena will try to report Tiberius and in effect Helio as well to Snow, risking her mother’s life. We also decide not to tell any of the boys. Gloss and Finnick will probably try to talk her out of it and Gus has enough going on right now. 

Finn’s birthday is celebrated in a big and elaborate Capitol way. He is still very popular and the Capitol is willing to do everything for him except giving him his freedom. We all get to attend the party, Helio is once again my public companion, and the night ends by the five of us working our asses off. Helio is somewhat manageable that time. Keeping his violent side under wraps, probably out of fear. 

Finnick has the worst night so far. His birthday present is a very public display of him having sex with an avox for a select audience. The audience is able to touch him all they like, pinching his skin while he has to keep his game up and banging the poor avox who did not have a choice. Finnick feels extremely guilty towards the girl but Gloss is able to talk him out of his guilt telling him he didn’t do it willingly and had no choice in the matter. 

Gus is coping exceptionally well considering it is his first trip. Having the support and guidance from both Finnick and Gloss helps him immensely. He is always prepared, sharing the names of his clients to get some intel before he goes. When the first male appears they both get him the proper preparation and give him some pills to help him cope. 

Gus is going so well our stay is extended once again. We get an official letter from Snow telling us we will be expected to stay longer so we have more time to prepare for the victory tour at home. Gloss and I are expected to stay with Gus so we don’t have to return before the tour. Having three victors stay paves the way for making all of us stay. 

The promise that this extended stay gives us some more time at home helps somewhat but my heart still aches. I was really hoping to see Jules again soon but that has to wait at least three more weeks, extending our stay to a grand total of six weeks. 

Living together on the victor’s floor makes it somewhat bearable. We try to play some games in our spare time and the boys have a real video game competition going on. There are moments in which none of our jobs are mentioned. In which we seem like a normal bunch of young people, hanging around and talking about silly stuff. 

Ena seems to have become even closer with Gloss. Cuddling up against him on the couch in search for comfort. Gloss seems totally okay with it, talking softly to her or stroking her arms with his hands. Augustus and Finnick seem to get along just as well, bonding over the competitiveness of their characters. I just seem like the happy little sister, joking with Finnick and devouring his poetry books to get my mind off of Jules. 

Everyone of us has their downright depressing moments during our six week stay. Finnick comes home one night excessively drunk and crying. I was only back from my own date a couple of minutes when he stumbles into our living room, eyes red and puffy and zig-zagging all over the place. He tells me there were two man who had forced him to drink, tied him up and took turns fucking him. He tells me he is probably bleeding due to the assault and the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream while the tears stream down his face. He sleeps on our couch that night, he is not able to get back to his own apartment and I am not able to leave him alone when he is in a dark spot. 

Augustus has a couple of breakdowns over the weeks. The first one right after his visit with Tiberius. He doesn’t sport any marks from his visit but he has a long talk with Gloss after to tell him what happened. Gloss does not want to talk about it but my gut tells me that the process to make Gus just as obedient as Gloss and Finnick has started, He freaks out a few times more but all of them in the safety of our floor. One of us is always around to help him up and talk to him about what has happened. 

Enobaria has an extremely rough fourth week. She is sold to a couple for five consecutive nights and each time she comes back she is worse. The couple has a fascination with her teeth and make her do all kinds of things she does not want to talk about. During the week she is closed off and timid, spending more time in her own apartment instead of ours. Gloss is the only one who is able to talk to her and get her to open up and let off some steam. 

Gloss meets Tiberius twice because he did not want to cancel the appointment at our original departure date. He isn’t able to do anything drastic to Gloss in the first appointment but his mind is still in the wrong place when he returns. The indents of the collar are visible on his neck and his eyes are glazed over and empty. Ena and I succeed in getting him back to a functioning person and share some knowing looks. I might still not like her idea to talk to Snow but finding Gloss in this state only proves the point to why it is needed. 

I have a hard time to get Jules out of my head. My talk with Enobaria makes me think about being with him and during the nights my wild dreams take over. I imagine him in my arms. Hugging me. Loving me. Making me his. I imagine his broad arms around me, holding me tight. Waking up in the middle of the night and not finding him beside me like in my dreams makes me shiver. I want to see him so badly. I want to explore him. Explore this thrilling world together. I might know a lot about sex but I want to discover how to love him. 

Our departure day keeps getting closer and I feel a mix of emotions about it. I feel relieved and excited to see Jules and my family again but I also feel the tension about what Ena plans to do on that last day. She is absolutely sure she wants to but I am scared about what will happen. What if she has underestimated Snow's flexibility and he decides she should be punished? What if they decide to punish one of us?

Luck is for once on our side when we find out that Ena will be leaving last. Finn’s train is the first to leave, followed by ours a few hours later. Ena leaves early the next morning giving her a chance to talk to Snow after we are gone. 

Knowing I can’t do anything about her choice or the outcome of her talk I try to set my mind to a different topic. Jules. He won’t know we are coming back today so I have all the means to surprise him after work. And that is just what I do. 

I wait in my familiar spot in the shadows near the Academy, waiting for him to get out of those doors. It has been six weeks since I last saw him and he hasn’t heard from any of us since. Will he be waiting for me?

My heart begins to pound in my throat when I see the door open, the light illuminating the pathway before him. I feel the familiar flutter in my stomach when I see him again. Jules is perfect in every way and he wants to be mine. His hair is all ruffled and a little trail of sweat is visible on his forehead. He obviously just finished the training of his new batch of recruits and is still breathing heavily.

I don’t hesitate before I step out of the shadows walking towards him. I look around to make sure no one will see us meeting before I softly call out his name. 

His eyes light up when he recognizes my voice and when our eyes meet I feel fireworks go off inside of me. It only takes him a few steps to reach me, he keeps his distance knowing where I just came from. 

I, however, do not keep my distance, not this time. I’ve waited six weeks to do this. To tell him how much I love him. To show him he is what I want to risk everything for. 

Before I know it I fling myself in his arms, crashing my mouth onto his. I feel his warm lips, hesitant at first, exploring mine. He opens his mouth slightly to let me wander inside if I want to. But even now, even when we are kissing, he gives me the choice to do it or not. 

I feel myself smile against his lips. This is so much more perfect than I ever imagined it to be. He is warm and steady as rock, softly caressing my lower back with his hands. He really is perfect. 

When he pulls away to take a breath he looks at me with an amazing twinkle in his eyes. 

‘Well, hello to you too.’ He grins before he pushes his lips back against mine, engulfing me in his perfect embrace and turning my world upside down. 


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules and Cashmere get closer.

The sun is setting when I find myself in the shadow of the tree again. Jules is almost done and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my night in his embrace. We meet up three to four times a week so my house is not empty every night, which would be suspicious. The last couple of weeks have been great. Having the opportunity to spend so many weeks without having to go away is something I never thought I’d have again. 

During the day Gloss and I spend a lot of time with Gus to try and prepare him for the tour. This absurd idea that all of us victors need a hobby has been keeping us busy, trying out different things until Gus settles for the subtle art of woodcarving. Somehow his swiftness with a knife makes him very skilled and it gives him some peace in his mind. 

He is doing well considering everything. His frequent nightmares scare his mother half to death but we try to assure her that it is normal. She is afraid he is depressed and I almost want to tell her that it wouldn’t be that weird if he would be, considering what happened to him in the last couple of months, but I don’t. If Gus wants to tell her he has to do it himself. Finnick still hasn't told his parents and our own parents don’t know what we do either. So it is not my right to tell her what is bothering him. 

Gloss is worried about the tour but not about his part in it. He received word that when he and Gus are leaving for district Twelve, I will get picked up to go to the Capitol. Me being in the Capitol without him there haunts him beyond believe. I try to assure him Finn and Ena will be there, that I will be fine, but he doesn’t seem to trust it in the least. 

The weeks also prove to be a fertile time for our family as both Mia and Rosie announce they are pregnant. Mia’s announcement is filled with joy while Rosie’s is way more subtle. Knowing what a painful subject it is for me and what fear we hold for the lives of our little new family members. Mia is due just before the next games while Rosie is expected to have another baby during our annual slaughter party. I am happy for them, I really am, but the overwhelming guilt of the danger their babies will be in can’t be denied. 

My train of thought gets interrupted by the opening of the doors of the academy. Jules knows I am here waiting for him so he looks around carefully to make sure no one is watching us together. His smile grows once he sees me. We agreed that I would always wait for him in the same spot, that way he knows immediately when I haven’t shown up. Giving him the opportunity to come to my home if he needs to find out where I am. 

In the shadow of the tree I feel my own smile grow. The love that comes from his eyes warms my heart. He is such a gentleman waiting for me to get ready without pressing for his own desires. How did I get so lucky to find this guy? What would have happened if I had met him in a different world? In a world in which I am able to be in a public relationship with him. A world in which we would be able to have a future with a family of our own. How much I would give to make that happen. 

‘Hi beautiful.’ Jules says as he softly kisses me. Kisses are a part of our new routine and I like every single one of them. 

‘Hi.’ I tell him when he let’s go. ‘How was your day?’ 

He sighs heavily. 

‘Not so great. Someone told me Neva is seriously considering going in this year. She has been training harder, making more hours. And to be honest it scares me to death.’ 

I bury my nose in his chest, hiding the distraught look on my face. We can’t let this happen. I will never be able to take her to the Capitol and look Jules in the eye doing it. I can’t.

‘Would it help if I talked to her?’ I whisper. 

‘Maybe, we can give it a try.’ He replies. ‘But not now, let’s go.’ 

I feel how he takes my hand leading me away towards his house. I can feel that Neva’s choice is still bothering him but if he doesn’t want to talk about it I have to give him that space. He gives me space all the time, I need to return it when he needs to. 

We silently walk towards his studio, the place almost feels like home to me already. The coziness of his little house embraces me like a blanket. It’s walls are filled with love and peace. In his house I don’t have to pretend. I can just be me. 

When Jules crashes on the couch I walk to the kitchen to get him something to drink. I boil some water and put the teabags in some of the mugs that once belonged to me. I often bring some stuff from my home to take to his place. I have so many things that I don’t use in large quantities like mugs and plates, so why not make sure Jules has some that aren’t chipped? 

Jules is still staring in the distance when I give him one of the steaming mugs. I settle myself next to him, my shoulder touching his side while he puts his arm around me. 

‘Jules, you can talk to me if you want to.’ 

‘I know, I just -’ He sighs heavily. ‘When I think about Neva I can only think about what they make you do. How can I let that happen to her? How do your brothers do this?’ 

‘Well, Lux and Silver don’t know about it. We try to keep it a secret to protect everyone. Fibre knows because Rosie found me after Helio had raped me in my bedroom. And he is - well, he is trying to cope with this. He rebonded with Gloss over it but he didn’t know what to do when we told him. And Gloss has made it his life goal to protect me as much as he can. So I guess they are both not dealing at all. Just surviving.’ 

Jules remains silent for a while, while I sip from my tea. I startle when I feel his tears falling on my head. He is crying silently and I feel an instant lump in my throat. 

‘How can I keep doing this? How can I keep training them? Training them to die. Training them so you can watch them crumble and fall. Training them for a lifetime of nightmares. I don’t want to add to your pool of drowning victors who never get rest.’ 

I turn my head slightly to be able to look at his face. His eyes are red and puffy. 

‘Jules, you are good at your job and you need your job. Try to make a difference. Train them but try to talk them out of volunteering at the same time. Try to save them. Try to tell them about the mistake they will make when they choose to go on with it. You will not be able to save all of them but you might save some.’ 

Jules doesn’t look convinced. His eyes are still sad and worried. 

‘Jules, don’t worry. I will not let her volunteer. I will tell her the truth if I need to, I promise she will not go to the Capitol with me next year.’ I seal my words with a kiss, hoping it convinces him that I will try everything I can to save his sister from this life. 

The gratitude in his eyes is overwhelming and before I know it I am losing myself in our kiss. My hands hold his neck like a lifeline as I feel my body push itself into his. His hands roam my body, stroking every part of my body in a needy way. I move over to straddle his thighs and when I do I feel his arousal. Somehow it doesn’t bother me at all, I kind of like knowing he really wants me. I slowly start to move my hips to meet his, liking the friction between the two of us. 

Suddenly Jules pulls back. His eyes fixed on mine while he holds my head. 

‘Cash, love, we don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to do this to make me feel better.’ 

I give him a slow and loving kiss as a response. Hoping that he gets the message. 

Jules, however, pulls back again. 

‘Cash, I am serious. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this.’ 

I sigh before I answer. 

‘Jules, stop worrying, I want this. I have never wanted it like this before. Make me feel loved. Make me enjoy this thing that has been nothing but awful for me. Show me what it can be. Please.’ I beg him.

I feel his hands back on my body immediately. They do not roam however, they slide under my thighs lifting me up. I give a short yelp when Jules gets up and in an attempt to steady myself I clamp my thighs around his waist. His strong arms carry me to his bed and softly lower me onto it sideways. The flutters in my stomach are there again and I almost feel like it is my first time all over. 

‘If we are going to do this, we are going to do this the right way.’ He tells me while he kneels in between my thighs. He slowly lifts up my shirt and places soft kisses on my stomach. I feel my desire burning for more and let out a soft moan. I can hear Jules’s soft chuckle at my reaction while his kisses make their way up under my shirt. 

‘Promise me you tell me if you want me to stop.’ He says suddenly stopping his charade of kisses looking at me with a serious look in his eyes. 

‘I will.’ I tell him, nodding frantically. ‘Please!’ I beg him to continue. 

I do not have to tell him twice. His hands find their way up my shirt as I arch into his touch. He softly strokes my nipples, pinching them lightly. He takes the hem of my shirt, slowly raising it over my head and removing it all together. His eyes never leave mine when he removes the piece of clothing, still checking for permission to go on. 

When my shirt is off he kisses me with such passion I have to fight for air when he lets go. He places a trail of kisses, starting just under my right ear, passing my collarbone to my nipples where he lingers for a moment. I moan under his touch and instantly get why Ena thinks this can be fun too. Jules makes me feel special. I am not just a sextoy to him, he wants me to enjoy this. He wants to make me feel good. And dear god, it is working. 

His kisses resume their path over my stomach towards my belly button and further down. His hands swiftly open the button of my jeans and gently tuck them down my legs, taking my underwear with it. When he throws my jeans on the ground beside his bed his own shirt soon follows allowing me to enjoy his muscled upper body. 

Jules smiles at me when he notices my stare. A bulge visible in his pants and I feel a sudden urge to do something about it. I am not used to being taken care off, most of the time it is me doing all the work. My instincts tell me I need to fix him. But when I want to lean forward to open his pants and grant him a good time he stops me immediately. 

‘Don’t Cash. You don’t have to do anything, just relax.’ 

I hesitate for a moment. Most men want to be pleased. Some say I am an expert at giving blow jobs. Why doesn’t he want that?

I get the answer only a few moments later when his kisses return, this time littering the inside of my thighs slowly making their way upwards. I feel a tight feeling in my lower belly as I throw my head backwards in pleasure. 

The first kiss he places right at the centre of my arousal sends sparks through my body. I want this so badly. I want to share this with him. To feel the wonder of making love instead of experiencing some rough fucking. His mouth works miracles and before I know it I am arching into his touch again. Panting loudly while I feel him make love to me. I fist his hair with my hand, urging him to go on. 

When he stops I almost moan in disappointment. I want him to go on. I want him to take me to the edge. When I hear the buckle of his belt my eyes shoot open. Instant panic rushes through me.  _ Cash, calm down. He is not going to whip you. He is not a Capitolite.  _ Jules instantly notices my reaction, stalling his movement. 

‘Are you still okay with this?’ He asks, his voice littered with doubt. 

I nod but Jules doesn’t fully believe me. 

‘Cash, it is fine if we don’t do this.’ 

I quickly grab his hand in an attempt to keep him with me. 

‘No, I want you to go on. I want this. Just take it slow.’ I tell him. 

He hesitates before he nods. 

I feel myself starting to blush when I see him lower his pants. The bulge is even more visible through the soft fabric of his underwear. I have no idea why I blush all of a sudden. I have seen enough dicks to not find it embarrassing anymore but somehow everything's different with Jules. When he slowly lowers his underwear I feel myself grow even more excited. 

I feel his weight on the bed as he slowly crawls on top of me, fully carrying his own weight on his lower arms and knees. He pauses to look me in the eye and I settle my hands in his hair. 

‘Tell me you really want this.’ He says to me. 

I nod at him. 

‘No, love, tell me. Say yes. Let me hear it. I want to be sure.’ 

I kiss him softly on his lips before I answer. 

‘Yes, Jules, I want this. I want you.’ 

A big smile appears on his face as his eyes twinkle like the stars. He lowers his body onto mine, still carrying most of his weight on his elbows. My thighs spread even more to make room for him. A spark of pleasure fills my body as I feel his head against me. His eyes never leave my face when he slowly presses himself inside. Both of us moaning at the sensation. He slowly starts moving and I feel my body arching into his, wanting to feel every single part of him. 

Both of us start to pant louder and louder, moving against each other like a well oiled machine. Nothing around me exists for a moment. I was so wrong about this. I have no problem keeping the Capitol out of my head. This is so different than anything in the Capitol will ever be. Jules is all they will never give me. Jules is just what I need. A steady beating heart where I can be safe. Where I can seek shelter and always find it. 

We move together to a peak I have never felt before. My whole body screams for it. Screams for the release he will be able to give me. The release we will be able to give each other. 

‘Cum with me.’ Jules whispers almost out of breath. 

The times I have been allowed to cum as well can be counted on one hand and I am more than willing to reach that peak together. His breathing speeds up even more as I push my hips into his, lodging him deeper inside of me. His thrusts speed up and both of us are moaning even more loudly. 

Sparks fill my head when he stills and grunts one more time with his head thrown backwards into his neck. My own eyes are closed as well enjoying every little bit of this intimacy we share. When he lowers his head to place kisses in my neck I softly stroke his curly hair. His kisses make me chuckle. 

‘You are the most amazing woman I have ever met.’ He whispers in my ear and I instantly feel my heart overflow with love. ‘And I know we can never be truly together but know I will love you in every way that is possible. Every fibre of my being wants to be with you and I will fight for you in every way I can.’ 

Tears pool in my eyes at his words. He loves me in a way I could never love myself. He sees me for me, the real me. Not the fucked up victor with baggage she will never be able to lose. 

When I start to sniffle Jules looks up. His eyes instantly project confusion and worry. 

'Cash, are you okay?’ 

I laugh through the tears in my eyes. 

‘Yeah, I just - You are so amazing and I still don’t get why you want to be with me. I don’t deserve someone like you.’ 

His calloused fingers wipe the tears from my eyes. His own eyes are soft. 

‘Cashmere, you deserve all the love in the world. Nothing will change that. No one in this whole damned world has the power to change what you deserve. You are worthy of love too, let me love you. Let me make you feel special.’ He says while he takes both my hands and places a kiss on each. 

Even though he is trying to assure me that he really wants me, the tears keep streaming down my face. I feel him lift his body up from me before he lays down on his back beside me. 

‘Come here.’ He says while he softly takes my arms to drag me into his embrace. His torso is warm and inviting and somehow soft. This part is also new for me. I have had a lot of bed partners but never one who cared enough to cuddle afterwards. Except maybe Finnick. 

His hands stroke through my hair at an even pace and I almost calm down enough to fall asleep like this. The warmth and comfort feel so good. If I had the choice to stay here forever, I think I would. 

‘Please tell me that wasn’t your first time having consensual sex.’ Jules says, probably spending the last hour building up the courage to ask. 

I smile lightly but he probably doesn’t even notice. 

‘It wasn’t. I had a boyfriend before the games but we only went all the way once or twice and then I broke it off because I was going to volunteer. And I had sex with Finnick once because I wanted to. They wanted to sell his virginity and I didn’t want him to have his first experience with all of it with a client. Or maybe I just wanted to be a rebel and go against Tiberius’ wishes.’ 

‘What is up with those two anyways. I can’t say I particularly enjoyed the little insight into your world. Those two are freaky. I swear he was disappointed he couldn’t use me to work for him.’ Jules says.

I sigh heavily at the thought of that day. We hadn’t talked about it before, not wanting to bring up the amount of risk we took that day. I nervously play with the ring around my finger, a tick I developed that shows up every time someone brings up Helio. 

‘They are the worst. But they also hold the most power. Snow employs us but Tiberius is the one who oversees and arranges everything. He thinks himself above the law, allowing himself to use and abuse ‘his’ victors in the most degrading ways. All of the boys are humiliated on a regular basis. Gloss acts like a genuine slave around him, kneeling, calling him  _ Dominus _ . He whips him almost every time and makes him wear a collar. He can probably only do that because he is Gloss’s patron. He does expect some of the same stuff from Finn but he can’t go as far as he can with Gloss.’ 

‘His patron?’ Jules asks, sounding confused. 

‘Yeah, it is some kind of claim. I think they pay more to always have the first draw for which days on a visit they want us. I even think they have the right to visit us here without having to ask for permission. They also have us wear a seal of patronage, to show their ownership.’ I tell him. 

Jules remains silent for a while. 

‘So the other guy? The one who said you were wearing his ring? Is he yours? Your patron?’ 

‘Unfortunately, yes.’ I tell him, holding up my hand to show the ring around my finger. The ring has always felt like a burden. A confirmation of my status as a whore. Its location on the ring finger of my right hand tells me Helio sees it as some sort of arrangement to tie us together. No one else can ever claim that finger and make me his. 

I hear Jules swallow a few times. He is still stroking my hair which has a calming effect on me. 

‘Is he as bad to you as Tiberius is to your brother?’ 

I sigh heavily. 

‘Jules, I - Do you really want to know?’ I ask, lifting my head to look him in the eye. 

‘Just tell me, Cash. Let me hate this guy in full for all he is doing to you.’ 

I return my head to his chest, not able to tell him all of this while I look him in the eye. My heart is beating in my throat. 

‘He has a weird fascination to choke me while we have sex. I almost always have finger shaped bruises around my throat after I visit him. The Capitol medicine fix it quite well but the first two days I need some makeup to cover them up. He was also the one who oversaw the worst day of my life.’ I say, feeling tears pool in my eyes again. 

‘What happened?’ He whispers. 

‘Finnick freaked out when he was paired with a man for the first time. Ran away and totally freaked out in our apartment. We tried to save him, or his mom’s life more specifically. So I called Tiberius, begging him to give Finnick another chance. He was still young, it was only inexperience that made him freak. We even promised that Gloss would prepare him to make sure it would go better the second time. And he grabbed it. As an extra payment to make it happen Gloss and I were set up for an extra night with our patrons. I still have no clue what Tiberius did to Gloss but it was the first time I saw him with the collar. Helio, however, had brought over some of his friends. They put me on a stage in front of about twenty people and tied me up like a pig.’ I almost choke on my words while the tears stream down my face. 

Jules swallows loudly again. Placing soft kisses on the top of my head to comfort me. 

‘There were seven of them. They used me like an object. They fucked me, burned me, slapped me, choked me. I even believe they tried to fill me up with as many dicks as they could. Most of it has been blocked out by my head, protecting me from the memories. But I do know I was bleeding excessively after. They made Gloss whip me after they violated me, to break me down even more. It took days to heal, but I still had to work.’ 

Jules doesn’t say a word. It is like he lost the ability to speak completely. Only able to stroke my head and place kisses right on top of it. Ena’s words come into my mind again.  _ Look at this from his perspective.  _ If I was in his shoes, I would be horrified. Thinking about the pain and the humiliation he must feel. I feel my heart ache. Is his heart aching now? Is it aching because of me?

‘I am so, so sorry.’ He says, the emotion evident in his voice. 

‘It’s fine. I am not hurting from it any more.’ 

‘No Cash, it is not fine. They have no right to do this to you. They have no right to use you like that.’ His voice is firm and sounds angry. 

I feel a flash of anger boiling inside of me. I get his anger but he can do just about as much as I can do. Which is absolutely nothing. How dare he say I can’t let them do this to me? Does he even understand what I am protecting? He is free to do whatever he likes. He can walk away from here and start a family. Having a sweet child of his own while I am here protecting his ass from someone who wants to taste it just to enjoy its sweet texture. Jules has no right to tell me what to do. Many men have but he doesn’t. 

How can I start something with this man? How can I start something that I know will never last. I will only hurt him. Maybe he will even die because of me. Someday he will get enough of me. Someday he will want more and I will not be able to provide him. Why do we even try to let this happen? What good will it do?

‘What are you going to do about it? They might not have the right, but they will do it anyway. If you want them to or not. So don’t tell me they can’t do it because I will be the one spreading my legs not you.’ I shout at him sitting up immediately. 

‘Cash, you know that is not what I meant.’ He tries, but my ears don’t hear him. 

‘Do I? Do I know what your intentions are? Maybe you are just like the rest of them. Hiding behind this sweet facade but changing as soon as you have me? You wouldn’t be the first who switches from sweet to violent. It seems quite common.’ I yell, while I crawl away from him searching for my clothes. 

‘Cashmere, don’t do this. I promised you I wouldn’t hurt you.’ 

Ḿy eyes are filled with tears as I pull my jeans over my legs. I don’t even care that I forgot to put on my underwear, I want to get out of here as soon as possible. 

‘Promises do not mean so much to me. You can’t even imagine how many times someone told me I wouldn’t be hurt and I was hurt anyway. Can you even imagine what it feels like? Never trusting anyone or anything to remain the same? Always watching over your shoulder? Always being on the lookout to jump in front of your baby nephew who is in danger for the fact he was born  _ your  _ nephew? Can you even imagine being afraid to talk to someone you have feelings for just because you don’t want him to get hurt?’ 

‘Cashmere, please stop.’ Jules says, remaining seated to give me space. 

I frantically shake out my top wanting to pull it over my head rather sooner than later. I know I might be cruel to Jules. I know he doesn’t deserve this. But I can’t stop now. He has to understand what it is like to be me. He has to understand that nothing will ever be simple. Everything will always be complicated. The Capitol will always stand in the way. Why did we even try this? Why did I think all of this was a possibility? My past and present will always stand in the way. 

‘No Jules, I won’t. You don’t understand a thing about me. You don’t understand a thing about my life. And I don’t want you to. Because my life is fucked up. My life is not worth living.’ Tears stream down my face while I put on my boots. ‘It is a never ending nightmare. I am struggling day after day. Week after week. Year after year. It will never end, Jules. There will never be just us. There is always someone looking over my shoulder making sure I don’t make any mistakes.’ I yell, crying loudly. 

‘I don’t care. I want you.’ Jules tries. 

I sob loudly when I pull on my coat. 

‘But I do care. You deserve more than me. You deserve more than this life. You deserve a family. I will only hold you back. I will only make sure your life will become just as miserable as mine. Never being able to truly express what you want. Never able to truly love anyone. I am bad for you, and you know it too.’ 

I see tears in his eyes. He looks so small. So defeated. 

‘Jules, I love you.’

I take a shaking breath, folding my arms around myself. 

‘And that is exactly why we can’t do this.’ I say before I turn around and run out of the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A real man knows about getting consent. Getting a yes instead of assuming it is a yes. Jules is a real man. :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another trip, another unwanted experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! I wish all of you the best! Stay healthy and hopefully we will beat this pandemic soon.

I stare out the window of the train compartment. The train is going so fast I am not able to distinguish anything outside. We must be in no mans land somewhere in between the districts. About an hour ago Gloss and Augustus stepped on a train towards district Twelve. The start of the victory tour, especially with a victor as popular as Gus, is always a big event. Being sent off by all the previous victors and the mayor and, luckily, his own family. Skeet and Christy looked well in their new and shiny clothes, living in their new house with everything they need. Gus always talks about how happy they are now even though Ava’s death still hurts them. His mom is having a much harder time, realizing the price Augustus paid for all the luxury they now have. She looked exhausted from all the worrying and if she isn’t kept awake by Gus’ nightmares, her own worries might rob her from sleep. 

After they left I was secretly hurled away to another waiting train, getting me straight to the Capitol. I am already feeling sorry for Finn. His workload will be massive with not only Gus but also Gloss not able to work the full Victory tour. Gloss was still struggling with the fact he would have to leave me alone in the Capitol. Not wanting to part but knowing there was no choice. His train was going in the other direction and we, once again, had absolutely no say in it. 

Jules doesn’t even know I am going alone. He is probably aware the tour has started but I didn’t tell him about my trip. Jules and I have kept our distance. Or mostly I have kept my distance. Jules tried. He really did. But without me it was pretty damn hard to get into the village which gave him little choice but to give up. I know I was harsh on him. Like really harsh, especially after what we just shared. But I think I just got scared. Scared of hurting him. Scared of being the cause of his death. What can I give to a guy who is so gentle? So sweet and so incredibly caring? I don’t deserve him and he is better off without me. 

I have to forget him, especially where I am going. Because even if I decide I don’t want anything to do with him, he might already be on Tiberius’s radar and therefore on the list of people I need to protect. 

A sudden thought plops into my head when I think about Tiberius. What happened to Ena’s talk? She hasn’t called in all those weeks, which isn’t a strange thing to do for her, so she never told me how Snow reacted to her accusations against Tiberius. I remind myself to ask her about it as soon as I see her, if I get a chance. 

The television is on in the background showing footage of Gus’s departure earlier today. It is interlaced with footage from his games and some material they apparently shot of him during our last visit. He looks awfully relaxed, knowing what awaits him. But I also know that Gloss is a great mentor, despite his own thoughts about that subject. Gloss will get him through this. 

The train is starting to slow down and I can feel the tension grow. In mere minutes I will have to get back to Cashmere the Victor. Pulling her up in public is way easier nowadays and the only place I let her slip when I am in the Capitol is in our own apartment. She is there in some sort of way almost all the time. Protecting the vulnerable and fragile part of me against the harshness of the world around me. 

Helio is waiting for me once I exit the carriage and it startles me for a moment. What is he doing here? I never see him so early in my stay. Is something wrong? 

‘ _ Princess,  _ I am so glad to have you here again. This break was far too long for me.’ He tells me while he places a kiss on my lips. 

Cashmere the Victor takes over immediately and without hesitation. I am in danger and her job is to protect me. 

‘Helio, always a joy to be back.’ I gloat, not meaning one single syllable of it. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure of meeting you here?’ 

‘Mister Odair's train will arrive in 5 minutes. We have a little job for you two that can not wait, so you’ll be going there right away.’ He tells me. ‘This Avox will get you to my car so I can wait for Mister Odair.’ 

Next to him is a male Avox with jet black hair, a hint of pale blue eyes can be seen between his eyelashes. His eyes are cast downward as every Avox has learned to do. I often feel like a slave but these people really are. They have no say over any aspect of their lives. Everything is in the hands of the people who own them. I can use my voice to talk about what is bothering me, to cry out when I am hurting. They don’t even have that luxury. No tongue, no complaining. I always feel a tinge of relief when I see an Avox. My life might not be what I want it to be but at least I am not a slave like them. 

The Avox takes my escape bag and silently carries it while he motions me to follow him. Helio’s hand grabs my butt while I pass him but I try not to let it face me.  _ Just let him do it, Cash. No need to be angry. _

A monstrous looking black car with tinted windows is waiting for me. The Avox puts my bag in the trunk before he quickly moves to open the door. I know I don’t have to thank him, but I do it either way. He only nods as a reply. 

Before I can even settle myself properly into the back of the car I can already see Finnick walking my way. He sparkles as always on his first day in the Capitol, still wearing the scent of the sea in every fibre of his being. I do however see a hint of worry in his eyes. We both know that getting picked up this early into our stay is not a good sign. A bag is swung over his shoulder and Helio is grinning by his side. I quickly think back to the first time they met. Finnick being peacefully unaware of who he really was while Helio was already in on the plans they had for Finn. Finnick now knows that he is just as much a bastard as Tiberius is. The only difference is the level of power they hold. 

Finnick silently scoops in next to me, grabbing my outstretched hand as soon as he is able to. He squeezes to reassure me, or himself really, both of us not knowing what will be expected of us this soon. Helio sets himself into the passenger seat next to the driver, not looking back at us. When the car starts moving, I stare out the window. The Capitol, in all its glory, is staring back at me. The big buildings with their large windows. The billboards on which Augustus is heavily featured. Some signs show Finnick in his latest topless shoot, while others are showing my brother and me as a fearless and probably photoshopped couple. Tiberius knows how to keep us in the spotlight.

The car makes its way through the busy streets around the city centre. We drive over the Avenue of Tributes, past our apartment building towards the outskirts of the city. My feeling of uneasiness grows the closer we get to a place I don’t want to go again. The place holds memories I don’t want to revisit. Memories I don’t want Finnick to gain. That place is nothing but a nightmare. 

My heart is beating in my chest when we stop in front of a familiar building. Its solid wooden door staring at me like the deathtrap it represents. I don’t want to enter this building. I don’t want to relive what happened here. Finnick notices my discomfort and looks at me in confusion. 

‘What’s wrong?’ He asks me. 

I hesitate before I answer. 

‘I don’t want to go inside.’ I tell him, my voice as small as it could ever be.

His questioning look bores into me. 

‘This is the place where they - Where they - ‘ I have to breathe deeply before I can finish my sentence. ‘Where I paid for your mom's life.’ 

A look of disgust washes over him knowing what that means. Knowing what they did to me in that room upstairs. He grips my hand even tighter and looks at me with compassion. 

‘Cash, we are together. I am going to protect you when I can. I will keep holding your hand until we are forced apart.’ He tells me, trying to reassure me when I see his own doubts peak through his facade. He is scared too. Scared of why we’re here and what we are supposed to be doing. 

Finnick holds his promise as we step out of the car, holding on tightly and almost dragging me along with a big smile on his face to mask his fear. Helio is walking behind me, making sure we don’t falter while the big wooden doors scream terror to me. We don’t even have to knock this time as the door opens before we have even reached it. Tiberius is smirking at us from the doorway, stepping aside to let us in. 

Once we are inside Finnick assumes his position of obedience while still holding my hand. His free hand is clamped behind his back while his feet are apart and his head is lowered. I lower my own eyes to make sure we don’t anger Tiberius by disobeying. 

‘How sweet. Are you scared  _ princess _ ? I think you can still remember the last time we were here. Such a memorable day we had here.’ Tiberius taunts and I feel my stomach turn. Memorable for him, incredibly damaging for me. 

‘Don’t worry. We are not going to do that again. At least not today.’ He tells me. “Now follow me.’ 

He leads us up the carpeted stairs I walked up the last time and into the same room. They might not have planned the same thing as last time, but they surely have planned something. The stage in the middle of the room is still there but this time there is a large round bed in the middle. A crimson soft blanket is draped on it which reminds of a pool of blood. The rows around the stage are full with people. Avoxes are serving them with drinks and food. 

Both Finn and I halt in the doorway, not wanting to go any further. He squeezes my hand tightly and I squeeze back. It is the only reassurance we can give each other right now. 

‘The last time I saw you two together you were absolutely mesmerizing. You two have a chemistry that can’t be faked. I told you I wanted to record one of your sessions but it just so happens that you are a pairing that is very popular in our great city. This would have been just a recording session but once word got out we were doing this the response was overwhelming. The tickets were sold out within a day. So now we are recording this with a live audience.’ Tiberius says with a smirk on his face. 

I only now see the various cameras set up around the stage who are able to capture the action from every angle. It is like the games all over again. 

‘So what are we supposed to do?’ Finnick asks.

Helio smiles in response and holds up two tiny earpieces. 

’You will start, just like you always start and we will tell you what to do along the way.’ He says before handing the pieces to us. 

I reluctantly put the thing into my ear. I don’t want his voice in my head telling me what to do but the choice is once again out of my hands. Tiberius leads Finnick and me towards the stage. Our hands are still tightly linked and we stare at each other awkwardly as the room around us settles into silence. Anticipating our every move. 

‘ _ Undress’  _ I hear someone whisper in my ear. 

Finnick and I look at each other. He has probably heard the same command but hesitates just like me. The last time together was in relative privacy but all these people make me nervous as hell. What if we disappoint? What will happen then? I don’t even care about the cameras fixed around us. He told me they wanted to record me sometime. It doesn’t scare me anymore. 

I slowly bring our interlaced hands upward, squeezing his hand once more before letting go and settling my hands in his hair. His hands start to wander my body resting on my hips. We slowly start kissing and I feel his hands roam underneath my shirt. Capitolites are impatient people. Kissing won’t be enough for long. 

‘ _ Finnick. Get her naked.’  _ Tiberius’s voice has joined Helio’s. Great. Now we have both of them in our heads. 

Finnick doesn’t hesitate. His hands lift up the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head. I have to fight the reflex to cover myself. Finnick notices it right away and lightly takes hold of my wrists to help me. Once I calm down again I move over to his clothing. He is still wearing the thin shirt from home and once I lose it his toned body is on full display. I know he is forced to work out to stay in shape but I can’t say I hate the way he looks. Whether he likes it or not, he is an extremely handsome guy. 

My bra soon follows as do both our pants and underwear, standing opposite each other stark naked. His fingers slowly trace the outline of my breasts and send a shiver down my spine. My arms are thrown around his lower back, pressing my body into his to preserve some modesty. 

‘ _ Get her on the bed. Play with her but don’t let her cum. _ ’ I hear in my ear. 

It is some sort of nice we both get the same instructions. That way we can help each other. Make it easier to obey the wishes of those two bastards. 

Finnick picks me up with his hands on the outside of my thighs and for a moment my mind flashes to Jules. Jules picked me up the same way, carrying me over to his bed to make love. This time Finnick carries me to fuck. I surely do love Finn, but this has nothing to do with it. 

I try to relax when Finnick drops me down and pushes my legs open.  _ Let it happen. Give them a show.  _ His hands expertly find their way towards my center which his tongue soon follows. Finnick has done this so many times that he knows exactly where to hit me to get me on edge, I am squirming under him while he places a soft hand on my stomach to keep my hips on the bed. 

_ ‘Stop. Don’t let her cum. Fuck her. Don’t be gentle. You have been gentle enough.’  _

Finnick obeys instantly. Getting up to look me in the eye when he guides himself inside of me. His pace is fast almost immediately. The apologizing look in his eyes tells me he doesn’t want to but we both know he doesn’t have a choice. I try to moan in pleasure in order to please Tiberius and tell Finnick it is fine. 

A thin line of sweat drips down Finnick’s face and I see him fighting to hold off grunts of his own. Does he feel the same way now as he felt with the Avox girl at his birthday party? Forced to rape someone who hasn’t given him consent? Will he feel guilty towards me? 

‘ _ Good boy. Now turn her over and take her ass.’  _

I see his eyes grow big at the command. Quickly glancing behind him to where Tiberius and Helio are watching. 

_ ‘What’s wrong Finnick? Never done that before? Or afraid to hurt her? Trust me she knows how it feels.’  _ Tiberius taunts but Finnick still doesn’t move. He mouths something to them which I can’t decipher. 

‘ _ Oh you want lube? So you are afraid to rip her to shreds. Well, I will be generous. There is a little bottle under one of the pillows.’  _ He tells us. ‘ _ Princess can grab it when you turn her around. Be discreet, we don’t want to ruin the shot.’ _

I feel Finnick pulling out and grabbing my hips, gently tugging at them to get me on my elbows and knees. My hands scoop under the pillows to search for the thing that will save me from so much pain. The one thing Tiberius denied me the last time which left me bleeding. 

I find the small bottle under the third pillow handing it to Finnick in between my legs. His hand squeezes mine when he takes hold of the little thing. I wiggle my hips invitingly to give Finnick some time to get on enough lube. While one of his hands strokes his own cock his other finds his way to my backside. Applying the cold and wet lube to my ass, gently poking in a finger to make the intrusion easier. 

I try to stay still and keep my eyes open. I don’t want them to see the discomfort they push on me. I want to remain strong. 

I can feel Finn’s dick poking at my entrance but he doesn’t push in just yet. Instead he leans forward, pressing his chest to my back. I feel his breath at my neck before I hear him. 

‘I am so sorry, Cash. Please forgive me.’ He whispers before he moves his hips to breach the tight muscles in my ass. 

I can’t help but cry out. Even with the lube it is painful. Tears well up in my eyes as I silently curse Tiberius for making Finnick do this. Finnick will never forgive himself for doing this to me. He will know it wasn’t his fault but he will still feel like he hurt me. 

Finnick does go slow this time. Not even caring if they want it rough. He will not do it. His trusts are forced and filled with guilt. Probably not even enjoying himself and fighting the pleasure that his body is feeling. 

‘ _ Don’t cum Finnick. You are forbidden to cum until I tell you.’  _

Finn grunts in frustration. Not even able to end our suffering without facing some consequences. 

‘ _ Grab her hair Finnick. Grab it and force her to look in the camera. Let us see those teary eyes.’  _

I am breathing heavily with my head hanging between my arms. I don’t want to look at them. I don’t want them to see that my best friend is hurting me. But we don’t have a choice. I wait but I don’t feel Finnick’s hand in my hair. He doesn’t follow orders this time. 

‘ _ Finnick. Grab her hair. Now.’  _

But again he doesn’t move. Somehow this one order is crossing his boundaries. This one thing he won’t do. 

‘ _ I have District 4 Commander Sparks on speed dial. Don’t let me make the call. He knows a million ways to make your dad suffer.’  _ Tiberius taunts. 

I feel a desperation in my own body. It is not so bad. He can do it. He can grab my hair and I will be fine. 

‘Finn.’ I whisper, loud enough for him to hear. ‘It’s okay.’ 

Finnick whines in discomfort before his hand grabs my hair and pulls it upward. I close my eyes to fight the new flow of tears I feel coming up. 

‘ _ See, that wasn’t so hard. Now pull her off the bed, onto her knees and make her suck you off. Pull out when you cum and make sure she is covered in it.’  _

The tight muscles of Finn’s body tell me he is fighting his urges to stick his trident in the two of them. But he acts upon their orders nonetheless. I quickly grab his wrists to make the dragging motion more bearable but it still feels like my hair is ripped out of my head. I end up on my knees, panting loudly, with Finn standing in front of me. 

‘ _ Suck him off princess. And make it good, we don’t want anyone losing a baby before it sees the light of day would we?’  _

A flare of desperation runs through my body. With both Rosie and Mia pregnant I am already on edge for endangering them. But now the threat is once again real. If I don’t perform one of them, or even both, will miscarry. Destroying more lives than just the baby’s in the process. 

Without another thought I grab Finn’s thighs, enveloping his dick with my mouth. He lets out a low groan and closes his eyes for a moment. I use every technique I know, try to please him in every way possible. I literally suck him like my life depends on it. Or in this case the life of two unborn babies.

_ ‘Dear god princess. How come I never get that exact treatment? You get me hard by just letting me look at you.’  _

Finnick’s muscles tighten even more. A disapproving grunt escapes his mouth. He doesn’t really know what to do. His body tells him to enjoy this, but his mind tells him to hold back. To think about my dignity. To think about our friendship. 

But he needs to let it go now. There is no use in trying to save a dignity that isn’t there. It went down the drain about three years ago. I softly squeeze his thighs to let him know it is okay. There is no need to hold back. Let them see what they paid for. 

Finnick grunts heavily before he pulls out and I feel a warm substance coating my face. All around us the room erupts in applause. Happy to get what they paid for to see. Finnick has his eyes closed while I sit back on my heels, panting heavily, trying to catch my breath. 

‘ _ Good job. Now get out of here. You both need to work tonight, go clean up and make sure you are able to perform.’  _

* * *

Ena hasn’t arrived yet when we get to the apartment. Finnick and I haven’t said anything to each other on the way to the victor’s floor, both to caught up in our own worlds to reason with the other. I am slightly disappointed when Finnick disappears into his own apartment without a word but I also get it. Spending time apart might be the best thing we can do right now. 

Once I have taken a long and hot shower I settle myself on the couch. A steaming cup of tea in my hands and a blanket over my lower body. My body aches but I try to ignore the signals it tries to give me. Fear creeps up on me when I think about what kind of an impact this might have on my friendship with Finn. Will this be the only time we are forced together before an audience like this? Is this the only time we are filmed for the purpose of pornography? 

When the door slowly opens I am almost disappointed to not find Finn but Ena in the doorway. She is still carrying her bag, obviously just arriving in the Capitol. 

‘No seaweed?’ She asks while she moves over to hug me. 

‘He is in his own apartment.’ I reply.

Ena pulls back and looks at me in confusion. 

‘Why?’ 

I sigh before I sit down again. Not answering her. 

‘Cashmere, what happened?’ 

‘They put us together in front of a camera and an audience today. Took us right off the train, made him do some things he wasn’t really into. So I guess he needs space.’ I tell her. 

Enobaria remains silent for a while. She is still wearing her jacket and holding her bag. 

‘Tiberius again?’ She asks. 

I nod silently. 

‘Those fucking bastards. What are they trying to do? Drive us apart? They are the ones that put us together in the first place.’ 

The desperation is visible in her eyes. It seems like they get more and more bold as the years go by. Ena and Gloss have never been paired together and Ena’s clients weren’t violent before we joined the pack. I can imagine she feels helpless. Being the oldest she feels responsible for all of us. Even though she can do just as much as us. 

‘I fucking hate them. I would rip out their throats with my teeth if they only let me. Oh, I wouldn’t even hesitate to make them feel like they are the ones who have to survive in the arena.’ 

I look at her in disbelief. Ena might look frightening but she is really very kind hearted. She would never hurt someone if she wasn’t forced to so. 

‘Ena, let it go. It is no use to be upset. It happened, let's forget about it.’ I tell her. Trying to convince her. 

Enobaria’s anger only grows in the process. She is pacing up and down our living room, ranting about what she will do to Tiberius when she gets the chance. Out of nowhere she turns to me, looking into my eyes with a deadly look of determination. 

‘Why Cash? Why doesn’t he do something about this? He knows everything, he knows who is responsible for the damage to his ‘property’. Then why does he just shrug and tell me he will let me know? Why doesn’t he end this now? What is he waiting for? For one of them to damage you so severely you won’t be able to recover?’ 

‘So Snow did not say anything?’ I ask in disbelief. No one got hurt, which is a good thing, but I at least expected him to say something about it. 

‘No, he literally just shrugged, thanked me for reporting and sent me back to Two. He didn’t even look surprised I wanted to talk to him in the first place.’ 

A feeling of dread settles in my body. I thought Snow was on our side after our last encounter. Caring for our wellbeing in some sadistic way. But now I am not even sure about that. What if he doesn’t care at all as long as we keep working? What if he enjoys the boys submissive? What if he thinks that it will give him more power if the strongest men on the planet are forced into submission? 

He has given Tiberius free reign for long enough. What if he is in on it but only acted out against Helio because he had to sell damaged property? What if he just acted up because his customer was unhappy and not out of some form of responsibility for our lives? I don’t even want to think about it. 

Snow is a horrible person but at least he seems to have some limits. Well at least limits to what he does himself. He probably has an army of people who do his dirty work and keep the whole of Panem in line but at least he never hurt me himself. I thought he was some sort of my last failsafe to keep my family alive. But if he is in on all of this, we are really doomed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last reason to hate our villains. Pay back is on its way.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone is angry.

The lights around the room are dim when I enter. I am still slightly limping and every movement hurts my body in more than one way. Helio took the liberty to mark my butt once again just before Gloss would be here in the Capitol. He told me it was another lesson about my place in this world and that I should remember it before making any decisions. It is almost sad to realize that he is only acting out of fear. His actions only tell me that he is scared to lose the privilege he has which makes him act out even more. 

I try to hide my pain when I walk into the room. No one needs to know that I am in pain. Especially not my brother. Gloss and Augutus arrived only hours ago but were confined to the training centre not allowed to contact us.

In the ballroom they are the centre of attention though. Gus is wearing a sparkling suit which literally makes him a disco ball in the middle of the room. Every light reflects off his suit so everyone knows where he is. Gloss is standing behind him next to Melia, making sure Gus is okay. The tour seems to have gone by without any incident and there is no reason for me to be afraid something will backfire. Gus is fine and as a result we are too. 

I notice myself staring at my brother for quite some time before I feel a hand on my shoulder. 

‘He looks fine. Did a good job the last couple of weeks.’ Finn whispers in my ear. 

His voice calms me immediately. The silence between us only lasted a day. Both of us not able to deal with any of it alone. Ena helped us talk about it, staying in the room and giving Finn directions to not feel guilty about what he was forced to do. Now his gentle hand gives me comfort. Our friendship wasn’t ruined by this. We will never forget what happened but both of us are growing in moving on. Accepting what happened and thinking about tomorrow. 

‘I know. He will be fine.’ I reply. 

Finnick moves in even closer.

‘How is your butt? And don’t lie to me. I know he hurt you again.’ Finn says, soft but firm. 

I quickly glance over my shoulder but Finn is not looking at me. Instead he is looking around the room, always alert for possible clients who want to take advantage of us. 

‘It’s fine. Or it will be at least.’ I tell him. 

‘I know.’ He replies before his demeanor swifts and he is once again the outgoing and happy boy I so often see when we are in public. One of his regulars drags him away from me while I decide to reunite with my brother. I slowly walk over to him, trying to not aggravate the marks on my butt too much. 

‘Hi you.’ I tell him when I am right behind him. 

Gloss flips around immediately, recognizing my voice in an instant. 

‘Cashmere, thank god you are okay.’ 

His arms envelope me like a blanket and I instantly feel at home in his embrace. I realize how much I missed him when I feel his slow and warm breathing on my neck. 

I look deeply into his eyes when we both draw back from the hug. I can see some worry there but there is also a lot of relief. 

‘You did a good job.’ I tell him, looking over at Gus. Gently squeezing Gloss’s upper arms. 

‘Well, he did most of it himself. I just helped him.’ 

‘But still you did a good job.’ I tell him, making sure he takes some credit. 

Gloss smiles at me, taking a good look at me once again. 

‘I couldn’t agree more.’ A voice behind me says and I freeze instantly. 

Gloss has the exact same reaction, not moving a muscle. I slightly twist my body to look at the person behind me, aggravating the wounds on my butt which make me wince before I can help it. 

President Snow looks at me with an almost worried look on his face. It only flashes past, not staying on his face for very long but it still surprises me. He doesn’t seem the type to worry over anything. 

‘Thank you, President Snow. I tried my best.’ Gloss answers, nodding his head in obedience. 

‘Mister Grimes, I assume you can leave Mister Braun in the capable hands of your escort for a while. I need to talk to the both of you.’ The President says, before turning around and walking away. 

I am absolutely stunned at this sudden turn of events and I notice the same kind of feeling in Gloss. What does he want? Did we do something wrong? We already know what is expected of Augustus, what can be so important that he needs to talk to us about it now?

When Gloss starts to follow our President out of the room, I obediently follow behind my brother. Whatever it is, it is best to let it happen. 

We are led to the President’s office on the first floor by an Avox. The doors to his study are wide open and I notice right away that we are not alone. The President is sitting behind his desk with two familiar men in front of him. Both standing at attention, looking at their President. 

Both Helio and Tiberius quickly glance our way when we enter. Helio looks away as soon as our eyes meet while Tiberius keeps staring at Gloss, who in his turn is fighting to not fall to the ground and obey his  _ dominus.  _

Tiberius’s eyes keep focused on Gloss while the two of us stand next to the two people who haunt us in our nightmares. Whatever this meeting is, it is something serious. 

‘Gentlemen, It has come to my attention that you might have neglected your duties as patrons and instead abused your positions as you seemed fit. Damaging my property in the process. I gave you both a second chance to change your ways but both of you refused to do so.’ Snow says. 

'Sir, I - I don’t know what you are talking about.’ Tiberius stammers, suddenly looking very small. 

‘So it wasn’t you who whipped him so badly he needed the support of his sister to stumble into our training facility? It wasn’t you who orchestrated an appointment which left her so utterly damaged that I had her clients complain about her wellbeing?’ 

Tiberius swallows deeply. 

‘It wasn’t you who forced a collar on one of my most prized victors, making him your subject instead of mine? And it also wasn’t you who made her so desperate she tried to make one of my most loyal friends lie to me in order to protect her family?’

‘Sir - ‘

‘Don’t lie to me, Decius.’ Snow says. ‘Miss Sanches risked her mothers life to tell me what you were up to.’

Helio is awfully silent through all this. Letting Tiberius take the blow for the misbehaviour they both committed. 

‘Sir, they still did their job. They were always ready to work for you.’ 

‘Yes, they were. They followed their orders, when you failed to.’

Beside me Gloss is trembling like a leaf. I am too stunned to even think about what is happening. Is Snow trying to help us? Is he trying to make them stop? 

‘Mister Boggart. I am going to take away your patronage of Miss Grimes. She will no longer be yours to command. You also lose every privilege you had with her. Do you understand?’ 

‘Yes sir.’ Helio answers, his voice shaking. 

‘You are not allowed near her again. You will be permanently removed from hers and any other victor’s client list. When you attend an event and happen to see her there, you turn around, excuse yourself and stay out of her way. Am I clear?’

‘Yes sir.’ 

‘Good. Now, Miss Grimes, I believe you have something of Mister Boggart that you will no longer need.’ Snow says to me, holding out his hand.

My trembling fingers play with the ring one last time before I let it slip off my finger. The once so powerful piece of jewelry is powerless now. It’s owner standing defeated before me. My finger instantly feels empty without it. The ring has been there for so long, holding so much weight. Parting with it is hard even though it is for the better. 

I silently put the ring in the outstretched hand before me, exhaling when I drop it. No more Helio for me. No more fear of being choked, no more fear of being whipped. Helio will never hurt me again. 

Tiberius is almost fuming beside me. He keeps his posture but his blood is boiling at this new turn of events

‘As for you, Decius.’ Snow starts. ‘It is a little more complicated. You are good at your job and I wouldn’t trust anyone else with my victor’s. But from now on your work will be limited to arranging their meetings and checkups. You will not be allowed to visit any of the victor’s personally, here or in their home districts. You will stop your degradation of victor’s for your own pleasure. They answer to me, not to you. You will lose your patronage of Mister Grimes and every privilege that comes with it.’ 

‘But sir -’ Tiberius tries, but he is immediately interrupted. 

‘Don’t even dare to try to chance my mind. You had your chances Decius. And you wasted them.’ He says holding out his hand for Gloss’s bracelet. 

Gloss stares at the hand in disbelief but moves to remove his seal of patronage nonetheless. The bracelet falls right next to the ring, ending Tiberius’s power over my brother. The tension in his body falls off his shoulders like water. 

‘Make sure you follow orders this time. An appointment to have your tongues taken can be made in mere minutes. Now leave, I need to talk to my victor’s’ Snow says to the two men. Helio starts moving right away but Tiberius’s anger only grows. 

His eyes are focused on me while his hands are clenched into fists. 

I am thrown backwards into the wall by the force of his body when he attacks me. A hand pressing against my throat, pinning me to the wall. 

‘You whore.’ He hisses. ‘You fell in love with that bastard didn’t you? What was his name again? The one who disguised himself as a trainer? Jules, wasn’t it? Did he enjoy it when you fucked him? Did we train you well enough that he fell for you at the first contact?’ 

I am struggling for breath while everybody acts as if they’re too stunned to do anything about this. Tiberius’s voice gets louder and louder as he rants on. 

‘Did he set you up to do this? To clear his path of any obstacles? You told him, didn’t you?’ Tiberius smirks at me. ‘You told him about spreading your legs for everyone and everything. Did you tell him you like it? Did you tell him you long for a man’s cock inside of you? You fucked him and made him beg for more. He surely has a nice dick, doesn’t he?’ 

I feel myself choke a bit. Gloss is staring at me with wide eyes. Tiberius might have lost his patronage but he is still scared of the man beyond belief. Snow is looking at it with a hint of curiosity in his eyes. He might not like the way Tiberius is acting but he is interested in the information he is getting

‘You know,  _ princess,  _ technically I could arrest him for theft. He stole quite some money from the President by taking you for himself. How many times did he stick his dirty prick into you? Oh, how much I would enjoy the sight of him in shackles. Bloodied by my own whip. Do you think he would mind if I made him feel my full power? I might not be able to touch you two, but no one told me to stay away from him.’ 

Instant terror washes over me. Jules is no longer a secret and he is in real danger. It doesn’t even matter that I kept my distance from him. He is on their radar and on top of it he knows too much. Will I ever be able to save him? 

‘Decius, enough.’ Snow says, while the doors flick open to let a flock of peacekeepers in. His hands let go of my throat instantly and I gasp for air while I fall to the ground. Gloss is by my side within seconds, holding my hand and slowly stroking my back. His eyes are deliberately focused on me and not on the man he called  _ dominus  _ for so long. 

‘Watch yourself,  _ princess.  _ I might not be able to get to you. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t get to him.’ Tiberius almost screams as he is dragged out of the room. 

When the doors fling closed I realize we are alone in this room with the President. Snows footsteps are heavy on the wooden floor as he walks back to his chair, sitting down with a heavy sigh. 

It feels weird to be on the ground in the study of the President but I don’t have the power to rise up right now. My legs still feel like jelly and my eyes are filled with tears due to the lack of oxygen. Did all of this really happen? Did Snow stand up for us and rid us of the two most horrible people in our lives? 

‘I want you to know that this does not change anything about the agreement we have. You will still work for me. You will come to the Capitol to work whenever we call on you. And you will follow the rules and orders we set for you. Is that clear?’ Snow asks without looking at us. 

‘Yes, sir.’ Gloss answers immediately, looking at him this time. My own answer follows only seconds later. 

‘Good.’ Snow says. ‘Now freshen up, I believe you still have work to do.’

And with that we are dismissed. 

Gloss helps me back on my feet, supporting me out of the room and into the nearest bathroom. Once we are inside I feel Gloss’s warm arms firmly around me. Silent tears drip down his face but his hold remains firm. 

And we just stand there. We hug like the world around us has disappeared. Nothing else matters except us. Except the bond we formed over the last couple of years. The bond that is so much stronger because of what we’ve been through. A bond which is there partly because of Tiberius and his damaging behavior. He might be gone but the bond we formed because of him remains. 

My house will be my house again in which I get to feel safe in my own bed room. No more breaches of privacy between the sheets of my own bed. No more whippings into submission. There will still be clients and some will still be violent but no one will dare to reach that level of violence again. 

I still feel a feeling of uneasiness settle in the pit of my stomach. We might be more safe from their attacks during appointments but someone is in a whole lot of danger.

Jules. 

My sweet and caring Jules who I so harshly rejected without a real reason. Being seperated didn’t do us any good. I tried to protect him but I still failed him in the end. Endangering him for no reason. He didn’t steal from Snow. I gave myself to him. He didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want and it was wonderful. Being together was the best thing that ever happened to me with a man. 

‘What do I do about Jules?’ I whisper silently to Gloss, who sighs heavily. 

‘I don’t know. I thought you said you broke it off because you didn’t want him to get hurt.’ Gloss tells me. Remembering the talk we had a few weeks ago after I came back from our last meeting. 

‘I did. But it didn’t work. He is still in danger.’ 

‘So, what do you want? What would you do if the Capitol wasn’t looking over your shoulder?’ He asks.

‘But they are.’ I reply. 

‘But what if they weren’t? Would you try to mend it and be as happy with him as possible?’ 

I think about it for a time. What would I do if I had a choice? From the moment I met Jules I knew he was special. He made me feel like a human again. He made me feel I was worth his time, worth his attention. He made me feel loved and wanted. 

He did tell me he wanted to sacrifice everything for me. Telling me I was worth the world to him. He made, and still makes, my stomach flutter in a thousand different ways. If we could we would probably have been in a relationship months ago. Sharing everything we hold dear, thinking about the future. 

But what if I have hurt him beyond saving? What if I let him down so severely he will not try to be with me again. I really hurt him. I told him he was better off without me despite his intentions and actions. He never hurt me and I treated him like he did. Would he be able to forgive me if I talked to him about it? 

_ Look at this from his perspective. _

Would I forgive him if he dumped me like this? Would I understand his reasoning knowing about the details that might have caused such an outburst? Would I be open to try again? To give all of it, including it’s risks, another chance?

An answer rolls into my head right away and as clear as day. 

_ Yes, I would.  _

I would do anything to mend our broken relationship. To get us back on track and let our bond grow even stronger. He is everything that I want, everything that I need. He might be in danger but it is a certainty this time. We need to be even more careful. Play by the rules, keep him out of the spotlight. But this time we know for sure they are watching and that somehow changes everything. 

‘I would at least try.’ I tell Gloss. 

‘Good, because I would have slapped you if you would have said no.’ 

I feel a smile form around my lips. 

‘Gloss, how do we protect him?’ I quietly ask. 

‘By being honest. Tell him what happened, he already knows so much, knowing this as well will not endanger him more. Make him understand the risk he is taking. And make his family understand it too. Let him talk to Rosie and Fibre. Jules knows them, they might give him some insight on what he must do to stay safe.’

I hug Gloss even tighter. Hoping that Jules will be open to all these suggestions 

‘The moment you fell for him was the moment he became family in my eyes, Cash. You don’t have to be in a real relationship with him to give him that status. We have a big family and a lot of people who would do everything to make you happy. You know what our family does, Cash. You have known for years.’

I pull back from our hug to look him into his eyes. They are gentle and still filled with the emotion of what just happened. 

‘We protect each other.’ I whisper to him. 

‘Yes we do. And we will keep doing that for every member of our family. Blood related or not. If he wants you back, we will protect him as best as we can.’ 

I sink back into his embrace. Feeling safe in his arms. 

_ If he wants me back.  _

I can only hope. 


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere tries to mend her relationship with Jules.

I have been staring at Jules and Neva for a while now. They are happily chatting with some of the pupils and I do not dare to interrupt them. 

My heart is beating in my chest this time around. We came back to One only hours ago and I am already here. Waiting to see Jules at the training centre. What will he say to me? Does he want to give me another chance or will he choose safety? Or relative safety. Whatever he chooses, he needs to know. He needs to realize how much danger he is in. Even if he wants nothing to do with me, I still don’t want him chained and whipped. No one deserves that. 

In the background I can still hear the sounds of the victory party. Gloss couldn’t leave, staying by Gus’s side as long as he had to but he promised me to cover for me. Both of us decided that having this conversation during the party made it less likely that Tiberius would know about it. 

How am I going to do this? What am I going to tell him.  _ Hi Jules, I am sorry I dumped you like that oh and you and your family are in danger.  _ I can’t tell him that. I just can’t. But he needs to know. 

How can this be more frightening than stepping up and volunteering for a game of life and death? I am just as determined as I was then but my fear of Jules´s reaction shakes me to the core. I want this to end out well. But I am afraid it might not. What if something happens to them? To those two, or three of you count his mom, people who mean more to me than I want to admit?

When I see the two of them make preparations to go home I step in. I have to. 

‘Jules.’ I say, plain and without any emotion. 

Jules looks mildly shocked at my sudden apparition. 

‘Cashmere.’ He replies just as neutral. Although I see a slight glimmer in his eyes. 

Neva on the other hand is a lot less neutral. The angry look on her face tells me she is not happy about the way I treated her older brother. She confirms my suspicions when she steps in front of her brother to protect him. 

‘What do you want Cashmere? Haven’t you hurt him enough?’ Neva says defensively, a stance which I would take if it was Gloss instead of Jules. 

‘Jules, I need to talk to you.’ I say, ignoring Neva completely. 

He looks at me with a questioning look in his eyes and for a moment I am worried. What if he doesn’t even want to talk to me? What if he doesn’t even give me a chance to explain myself?

‘Okay, I have to take Neva home and maybe we can meet at the lake after.’ He tells me.

‘Jules, we need to talk now. And it is probably best if Neva and your mom are with us when we do.’ 

Jules eyes flip to worry immediately, putting one and two together and realizing that something is definitely wrong. Neva doesn’t seem to notice and gets even more angry, looking at her brother in frustration. I can’t blame her, she has no idea why we broke up whatever we had. She has no idea how much is at stake. 

Gloss and I had talked about Jules' family. They all need to know about the level of danger they are in. Not only Jules could be on the receiving end of Tiberius’s wrath, Neva could be to. Especially if she was still thinking about volunteering. 

Jules nods at me in understanding. 

‘Right, well, let’s get to my mom’s house then. We can talk there.’ He says, ignoring Neva as well. 

‘Jules, what are you doing? Don’t let her do this! She hurt you, don’t let her act like she can boss you around and make you listen.’ Neva complains. 

‘Neva, for once shut your mouth! You have no clue what you are talking about or why she did what she did. Just shut up and come with us.’ Jules replies, using the voice he so often uses with his pupils. It works instantly, causing a pair of big eyes and a girl obeying his orders. 

We walk towards his house in total silence. I am constantly looking at the ground just inches before my feet, not wanting to look at him in fear of his rejection. Neva’s reaction tells me I really hurt him. I hurt him without a reason. I hurt him because I was scared that he would get hurt.  _ What a wonderful way to handle things, Cash.  _

His mom looks surprised to see the three of us arrive together. Neva’s face looks like a stormcloud and my eyes are cast downward out of fear. Jules’s mom has never met me before but he must have told her about me and she probably knows who I am. Neva storms through the door without a word before Jules lets me pass in front of him. His hand softly brushes my arm and an instant wave of flutters washes over me. What was I thinking when I abandoned him?

‘So, what is all of this about.’ Jules asks me once we have settled down in the living room. Neva and their mom are sitting on one couch with Jules standing protectively before them. I am sitting on a couch in a position in which I can flee if I have to. 

‘You are in danger.’ I tell him. 

‘Cash, you are saying that ever since I met you. It is nothing new.’ Jules replies. 

I shake my head, tears in my eyes. 

‘Jules, he threatened you directly. Called you out by name, telling me what he wanted to do to you.’ I say, tears streaming down my face. 

Jules’s movement freezes. His eyes fixed on me. 

‘Who threatened me?’ 

‘Tiberius.’ I say softly. 

The realization dawns in Jules when he realizes what it might be that they might do to him. He noticed the way Tiberius looked at him and he figured out what that meant. Is he envisioning it now? Thinking about the ways they could hurt him? I see a shiver run through him and when it does I feel my heart ache. 

‘Why?’ He asks. 

I breathe in deeply before I find the courage to answer. 

‘Snow took away their patronage of us. Taking away all their privileges and the right to buy us at all. Tiberius is convinced you have something to do with it.’ 

‘How would I have something to do with anything? I haven’t spoken to you in weeks.’ 

‘He thinks you convinced me to get rid of them so you had free reign over me. He accused you of stealing from the President and listed a few things he would like to do to you when he got his hands on you.’ I tell him, my voice unsteady with emotion. 

‘That is just ridiculous. I wanted to help you but I had nothing to do with this.’ Jules yells in frustration. 

‘Jules, I know you had nothing to do with this. It wasn’t even me. Enobaria told Snow and one of my clients reported abuse. But you can’t reason with Tiberius. He is a perverted and mad sadist who just lost his obedient slave and he has the power to actually act upon his threats.’ I tell him, desperate for him to understand. 

Jules is now pacing the room in frustration, his hands lodged in his hair. I stand up to try and calm him down, but I don’t dare to touch him. 

‘I am so sorry Jules. I broke it off to keep you safe but I still ended up getting you in trouble. I will never forgive myself if he hurts you like he plans to do. I love you, Jules. I have told you before and, god, I want to be with you. But all of this could destroy you and your family so easily. They could wipe you all away in the flick of a wrist. What if they took Neva? What if they took your mom?’ I say with tears in my eyes. 

Jules stops pacing, looking me in the eyes. His are filled with tears as well. He already knows that I love him. He knows that I only broke it off because of the love I feel for him. He knows it was never my choice. But he still doesn’t have to forgive me for doing that to him. For leaving him alone and abandoning everything we had built together. 

He surprises me when I feel his strong arms around me. Letting me sob into his shoulder while placing soft kisses on my head. His soothing hands draw little circles on my back which help to calm me down. 

‘I am so sorry Jules. I am sorry about everything. I never meant to hurt you but I did. I am such a fool, I don’t deserve you.’ I stumble. 

‘Shh, love, it’s okay. I wasn’t really mad at you, just confused. It only took me a day to think about why you acted the way you did.’

My sobbing gets even worse when I hear his words. His words of comfort. His words of forgiveness. It only adds to my belief that Jules is too good for me.

‘Jules, I don’t get this. What is this?’ Neva suddenly says.

Jules sighs heavily before he answers. 

‘This is your precious and amazing Capitol in its full glory, sis. This is what happens with the beautiful and desirable tributes who happen to survive the games. Maybe it is a good thing we have this talk now, before you decide to throw your life away for something that isn’t there.’ 

I am still sobbing into his shoulder. This wasn’t the way I imagined my talk with Neva would go. I imagined a talk about why she wanted to volunteer, only talking about all the dangers as a last resort. Both Jules’s mom and Neva are staring at me for an explanation but I am not in a state to tell them my story. 

‘Tell them Jules. Tell them about all of it.’ 

Jules pulls back out of our embrace to look me in the eye.

‘Are you sure?’ 

I nod at him. 

‘They are also in danger, they deserve to know why.’ I say before burying my face into his chest again, not wanting to look at them when they hear my secrets. 

‘The Capitol is not the perfect place you believe it is, sis. It is a nasty and horrible place, especially to those who weren’t born there. The victor’s are exploited when they are there. They mentor in the games, which is public knowledge, but some of them are there outside of the games to work for Snow. Cash is one of them. As are Finnick, Enobaria, Gloss and now Augustus.’ 

Something starts to dawn in his mothers face. Her look of disgust grows as she figures what it might mean. Jules nods at her to confirm her suspicions and her eyes turn watery immediately. 

‘O my god.’ She says slapping her hand over her mouth in disbelief. 

Neva looks confused, not getting the subtle hints Jules already gave them. 

‘I don’t get it. What do they do then?’ 

Jules sighs before he looks his sister in the eyes. 

‘Neva, Cashmere is a prostitute by the President's orders.’ 

Neva remains silent this time. Her eyes growing big at her brother's words. The wheels in her head are turning, having to delete everything she thought was true about the place of her dreams.

‘They threaten her with the lives of her family and now us. It’s the reason Cash was always so secretive about what we were and what we had. Why she was always careful to keep me out of her spotlight. I only found out about all of this after Gus won and panicked because of this new job. She dumped me to protect me not because she didn’t love me.’ 

Neva is sitting sullen and staring into nothingness on the couch. Her whole expectations of the world shattered in front of her. In half a year she would volunteer, win her games and give her family a life of luxury. But now that plan was blown to shreds when faced with the reality of that choice. The devastation in her eyes hurts me to the core. 

‘Neva?’ I ask when I pull back from Jules’s embrace. ‘Please talk to me. What are you thinking about?’ 

Neva looks at me as I kneel in front of her, reaching out to grab her hand. Her eyes are wet and there is a look of regret in them that I don’t understand. 

‘I am sorry Cashmere. I am sorry about how I acted, I generally thought you would use my brother like all the men you got through in the Capitol. Using him for your pleasure and dumping him when you were done with him. And when you did I got mad. He bared his heart to you and showed all the signs of someone in love. I couldn’t handle him being hurt. I am so sorry I thought so bad of you.’ She tells me. 

‘It’s okay, Neva. I would have had the exact same reaction if something like this happened to Gloss. But you need to promise me one thing.’ 

She nods at me slowly begging me to go on. 

‘Don’t volunteer. You are desirable in the eyes of the Capitol. If you win, this will be your life.’ I tell her. 

The realisation settles in and I can see her urge to vomit. It is probably hard to think about the life she almost had had if she wasn’t lucky enough that I warned her. But it is surely an effective way to make her change her decision. 

‘Jules, what do I do? They already said I would be the perfect candidate. They are preparing me for final selection and media training. How can we stop this without telling anyone why?’ Neva asks, with a desperate look in her eyes. 

I look at Jules in anticipation. He knows how all of this works, he might be able to fix this. 

‘We will figure it out, Neva. Don’t worry. We can even fake an injury if we have to. I will not let you volunteer.’ Jules says in a firm voice while picking Neva up from the couch and hugging her tightly. 

I feel another hand suddenly grip mine. Two loving eyes filled with tears look down at me. 

‘We never had a chance to officially meet, but I can understand now why my son was so secretive about you. My name is Sela and I am so sorry about everything that is happening to you.’ She says, smiling sadly at me. 

‘It’s not your fault and I am really sorry I brought your family into all of this. I never wanted to extend my list of people to protect but Jules crept up on me and wouldn’t let go. He is very special to accept me as I am.’ 

She squeezes my hand tightly at my compliments while Jules laughs in the background. 

‘I am not special, Cashmere. I am just a human being who sees beyond what you are forced to be.’ He says. 

‘Which makes you more special than most.’ I reply. 

Sela’s eyes flash to her son. 

‘Your heart is in a good place, Jules. But are you sure you want this? This could chance the course of your life.’ 

I look at Jules as well. I could be offended by Sela’s question, but I am not. She has every right to ask questions and doubt the choices of her son. 

‘Mom, I want this. I want Cashmere like I have never wanted anything before. She has my heart.’ He tells her and I feel my cheeks turn red. Did he really just say all of that about me to his mom?

‘Good.’ Sela says, with a big smile on her face. ‘In that case I will welcome her into my family with open arms and in any way possible.’ 

* * *

‘Your hair is fine.’ I tell him, but he can’t stop fidgeting about it. Jules is nervous but I can’t really figure out why. We are only meeting Fibre and Rosie and he has known them for years. 

We are walking together towards their house, not holding hands because of the daylight and the amount of people around us. Jules has been postponing this meeting for weeks now. Not wanting to face the fact that he is in danger and that they are the only people who really know what he should do. They are on the wrong list as well. 

But now we have to. This time Tiberius sent word we would be expected in the Capitol next friday, probably instructed to do so by Snow. Leaving Jules unprotected and alone wasn’t an option for me so I pushed him to meet with his old classmates. They are the ones who need to protect him when we are not there. So here we are, making our way over to them on a sunday. The only day all of them are free. 

‘Jules, there is no need to be nervous. You have known them for years, they won’t bite.’

‘Well, all those years ago I wasn’t interested in their baby sister.’ And I suddenly know why he is nervous. It was never about the danger from the Capitol, but about the fact that I would introduce him as our way of a boyfriend. 

I can’t help but laugh at him. It sounds so childish in all of this. He is afraid of what they will think of him. He is afraid to find out if he is worthy of my love. I know he has no reason to be worried. Rosie couldn’t be happier to finally meet the man who got me smiling again. 

It takes us only five minutes to arrive on their doorstep. Rosie opens the door with a wide smile on her face. Her belly is just starting to show and she has it on display proudly. Vic is wobbling behind her. His face lights up when he sees me. 

‘Auntie Cash!’ He happily exclaims, running to me with his arms wide open. 

Once again we hadn’t been home on Vic's birthday, having our extended stay in the Capitol right at the same time, so I try to make up for it by visiting him often. By playing with him and enjoying my time with him whenever I have the chance. Gloss has taken on a similar approach, knowing that our nephew is the closest we will ever get to a family of our own. 

‘Hey buddy.’ I say while I pick him up and hoist him high above my head. ‘Ouch, you have grown so heavy.’ 

His giggles warm my heart and I snuggle my nose into his neck to smell his baby scent. 

‘Auntie Cash, who is that?’ He asks while pointing at Jules. 

When I look over my shoulder I can see Jules look at me with adoration in his eyes, probably imagining me holding a baby of our own. Something that will never happen. 

‘Well, buddy, he is my friend. Do you want to meet him?’ I ask Vic, turning him around to face Jules. 

Vic is suddenly very shy. Something he always shows when he is faced with strangers. His curious behaviour, something all of us Grimes have, gone with the wind. Jules slowly extends his hand to the almost three year old boy, but Vic only retreats further into my neck. 

‘You can shake his hand Vic, it’s fine. You can say hi to Jules.’ I whisper to him. 

‘He looks like one of the bad men.’ Vic tells me and I feel a sudden lump in my throat. Rosie's eyes grow big as well. Something has happened that she did not tell me about. I will have to ask Rosie about it later. 

‘I am sure he is not a bad man, buddy. He is very strong but he will only use that to protect me.’ I tell Vic. 

My words seem to calm him down enough to place his small hand into Jules’s. The glimmer in Jules’ eyes only grows when he feels the soft skin and tiny fingers.

‘It’s nice to finally meet you, Vic. Your aunt has told me so much about you. My name is Jules.’ 

Vic only shakes his hand briefly before he pulls back and hides his face in my neck. I stroke his hair while I give Jules a tentative smile. Toddlers are very honest, Jules will have to work to earn Vic’s trust. 

‘Let’s get inside.’ Rosie says, stepping away to let us in. 

I can hear Gloss and Fibre talking in the kitchen. Gloss has never met Jules properly so I invited him over as well. Both of them stop talking when we enter. 

‘Jules, long time no see.’ FIbre says while he walks toward him and shakes his hand like old friends. They probably saw each other last when they were both eighteen but they spent their teenage years in each other's presence . It must count for something. 

‘To be honest, I never thought we would meet again. You were set for the games and now you have fallen for my sister.’ Fibre jokes, leaving Jules in an awkward position. 

Gloss moves over next. Shaking Jules hand like he would with an unknown Capitolite. 

‘I have heard a lot about you.’ Jules says. ‘Cash is very fond of you. Thank you for protecting her.’ 

Gloss shows a pain filled smile. 

‘I only wish I could do more.’ Gloss answers. 

The two men have something in common right away. Their desire to protect me. 

Vic is still clinging to me. His warm body comforts me like it always has, filling me with hope and love. His little hands rub his eyes tiredly and I have a feeling he has to go down for a nap very soon. Oh, what I would give to live a simple life like his. Nothing to worry about but naps, food and playtime. 

‘Can I put him to bed, Rosie?’ I whisper to my sister in law. Rosie nods in reply, walking with me towards Vic’s bedroom. 

The ritual of putting my nephew to bed is soothing and calming. Getting him fitted into his pajamas while his tired eyes almost fall closed. He is extremely compliant when he is tired and with a soft kiss on his forehead he falls asleep almost immediately. 

Rosie softly closes the door before we tip toe our way downstairs where the men are talking about Jules’s job. Gloss is handling all the talk about fighting and weapons extremely well. Maybe he prepared himself for this. Maybe Jules is thinking about Gloss’s feelings when he is talking about his work. Either way my brother seems relaxed. 

I almost want to settle down beside Jules when I am startled by the sound of knocking on the front door. Both Jules and Gloss appear just as startled as me while Rosie and Fibre look at each other in annoyance.

‘Why now?’ Fibre exclaims frustrated before he gets up to get the door. 

All of us remain silent. Most of the time knocking on your door doesn't mean anything good. Not in the Capitol and not in the District. 

‘Commander Jones, how can I help you?’ Fibre says from the doorway and my body instantly tenses. I notice the same reaction in Gloss. Jones has been friends with Tiberius for years, assisting him in getting us to the Capitol. Occasionally exploiting his friendship and overstepping my boundaries. 

‘Just a routine inspection mister Grimes, so if you will grant me access to your house.’ I hear the deep voice of the commander say. 

‘What does this inspection entail?’ Fibre replies, holding his ground. 

‘Just a check of the house and it’s occupants. Now sir, step aside.’ 

I heard Fibre grumble but step aside. He knows as well as us that getting them into even more trouble isn’t a wise thing to do. Their heavy footsteps let me know there is more than one peacekeeper with him. Jules wants to grab my hand but I won’t let him. I realize he just wanted to comfort me but I don’t want anyone to know about us. 

‘What a lovely surprise to find two of our lovely victors here.’ Commander Jones gloats as he stops in the middle of the room.

One of the peacekeepers has already turned Fibre around to search his body for whatever they are searching for as I see a couple of others reach for Gloss, Rosie and Jules. They all take the treatment like it is nothing. Biting their tongues while strange hands roam their bodies. My eyes are focused on Gloss. I can see a hint of Capitol Gloss in his eyes before he lets himself be turned around. The strange hands could send him into a panic but to my relief he doesn’t. He takes it without a hinge, blocking of his emotions. 

I startle when one of the peacekeepers grabs my arm but is stopped before he can start. 

‘I will do her myself.’ Commander Jones says and I can hear a hiss from Gloss. He knows that this isn’t the first time he has laid his hands on me. He also knows who he might be working for. 

The commander waits to search me till the others are almost done. Starting my search at the moment they turn around to face me again. His hands roam over me and it is like I feel the possessive hands of the Capitol all over again. They linger at my breasts longer than they should and trace the inside of my thighs with his fingers all the way up to my crotch. Fibre hisses this time, seeing the indecency of the Commander’s behaviour. Out of the three of them he is the one who has dealt with all of this the worst. 

My eyes fly over them to comfort them that I will be fine. Rosie is holding Fibre by his arm to keep him from lurching forward. Gloss is standing like a statue while Jules is holding his balled up fists at his side to keep his anger in. The three of them could best this flock of peacekeepers together but that would only increase our problems. 

‘What an honor to search someone who is so highly valued by our President.’ Commander Jones whispers in my ear just before he lets go of me. 

He orders his men out of the house before he leaves without another word, leaving us in utter silence. All of us silently settle down on the couch. Jules’ hand is softly touching the outer side of my thigh making slow stroking motions which are surprisingly soothing. 

I am the first to break the silence we all hold up for a while. 

‘So I guess I know what Vic meant by one of the bad men. Do they come here often to check you guys?’ I ask, looking at Rosie. Fibre is still fuming. 

‘At least once a week. Always searching our bodies and taking a quick look at our house. I don’t even know what they are looking for.’ 

‘Since when?’ Gloss asks, his face in a pained expression. 

‘Since that bastard fucked you up a few months ago.’ Fibre snorts. 

Gloss and I look at each other in horror. They must know. They must know that Rosie and Fibre helped us that day. And now they are keeping an extra eye on them. Probably to make sure no word gets out about our work. 

‘I am sorry. It was never my intention to get you into more trouble. But I really needed help.’ I tell them. 

‘It is fine Cashmere. As long as we make sure there is nothing in our house that they might find incriminating we’re fine.’ Rosie tries, but I still feel guilty. They are trying to raise a family, trying to live a normal life. And we keep dragging them with us to our disturbed reality. 

‘Don’t put this on your shoulders Cash. There is enough baggage on them. You needed our help and I am glad you reached out to us. It was the least we could do, we can handle these visits.’ Rosie says. 

‘What about Vic? I don’t want him to grow up fearing every man he comes across.’ I protest. 

‘He won’t, sis. I will make sure of that.’ Fibre says, ending the discussion. 

Jules has been quiet through all of this. Does he wonder what happened after he left me in the hands of Helio? Has he made up a picture in his head about it? Imagining what those men do to us on a regular basis.  _ Did to us, Cash. They can no longer harm you.  _

Jules remains quiet. Waiting for anyone else to start the conversation we are her for. 

‘So Jules. Welcome to our world.’ Rosie says eventually. ‘Since you chose Cash, this is your world too now.’

‘I guess it is.’ Jules answers. 

‘So Jules.’ Gloss says, leaning forward with his elbows lodged on his knees. ‘The only thing I know about you is that you know Fi and Rosie from the Academy and that you still somehow work there. What do I need to know about you before I trust you with my sister?’ 

Jules swallows heavily before he looks at me. I promised him that they would be nice and welcoming, I guess he did not suspect an interrogation. I, for a fact, know that Gloss is joking. He already gave me his blessing when he found out that Jules accepted the whore-part of me. 

‘Well - uh - I actually was planning to volunteer when I lost my dad in a work related accident. I couldn’t leave my mom and sister after that. So I accepted a job at the Academy. Working my way up from training the lower levels to training the talented boys in the arts of sword fighting. I trained Gus to what he has become. And well I met Cash on a walk along the lake. Falling for her almost instantly despite all the sorrow and her attempts to push me away. Cash started opening up to me more and more about her life and her fears. It took me a while and a little breakdown from Gus to figure out the real work she did. But that doesn’t change a thing about us. She is forced into something she has no say over but that doesn’t change what I love about her. When I see her she smiles with her eyes. I enjoy every moment together, even if they're secretive or filled with stories I never thought I would hear. Cash deserves someone who loves her and who tells her how beautiful she is when she doesn’t believe it herself.’ 

Gloss’s smile has grown into a wide one, clearly liking the devotion Jules expresses. I feel myself blush at his kind words. 

‘So what will you do to protect her?’ Fibre asks. 

‘Everything I can. I know there are a lot of things I can’t stop from happening, not even Gloss is able to change that, but I can try and be there for her when she needs me. I want to be someone she can go to and feel at home with. I want to do everything her boyfriend would do, even though I know we can never be in a real relationship.’

‘Good.’ Fibre says, his eyes glimmering. I am confused by the look in his eyes for a minute. Fibre is up to something, something he doesn't want anyone to know about and I am not sure I like it. 

The ice is broken after that. All of them see the material Jules is made out of and by the way they talk to him I can see he is being accepted into our family. Gloss was right, as long as I am happy they will be too. 

We talk a lot about the risks Jules is taking. About the way Rosie handles the threats on her shoulders and on those of her three year old son and unborn baby. I told Rosie about the new threats against the baby in her belly as soon as I returned from the Capitol. We decided not to tell Mia. Her first pregnancy is frightening enough without the threats she probably wouldn’t understand. 

Fibre and Jules talk a lot about protecting themselves against the peacekeepers. Making sure there is nothing incriminating to be found at all times. Fibre talks endlessly about maintaining his fighting skills he learned at the Academy so he can defend his family and they promptly decide to train together on it. Not that Jules needs any training but I am sure he wants to do something with his spare time when I am away in the Capitol. 

We talk through the afternoon all the way into the evening. Enjoying life like nothing is wrong and no one is in any danger. It makes me wonder once again what would have happened if Jules and I had met under different circumstances but I try to keep those thoughts out of my mind. It doesn’t help to get stuck in all the what-could-have-beens. This is the way we met and no one can change that. 

Jules walks me home to the gates of the village. Gloss is walking with us but he keeps his distance with a wide grin on his face. Jules and I are not holding hands, too afraid of all the eyes that could see us like that and make our lives a living hell. But just before the gates are in sight I feel Jules’s hand close around mine, dragging me behind a low building, hiding us from the road. 

‘Jules, what are -’ 

Before I finish my sentence I feel his lips crash against mine. His hands holding me with passion while his tongue tries to get access to my mouth. I giggle at his sudden outburst of lust. His eyes look at me in longing when I pull back slightly. 

‘I have been waiting to do that all afternoon. I couldn’t send you home without at least having a kiss from you.’ 

His eyes are playful when he pecks my lips again. This time he does it slow and lovingly. 

‘Oh how I wish I could go home with you and make love to you until sunrise.’ He whispers in my ear and I feel myself blush from head to toe. 

I don’t like dirty talk from my clients. It is humiliating and makes me feel like the whore I am. But Jules is different. His sentences are filled with the right kind of lust. The lust born out of love and caring for who I am. I can get used to his dirty talk. 

‘You know we can’t go to my house. But I will make it up to you the next time I visit yours.’ I tell him, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck teasingly. 

I still don’t allow Jules acces to my home. The capitol knows who he is but I do not want to give them any more reason to punish him or me than they already have. So the times we meet are at his place or at the lake. He always leaves me at the gate, watching me until my front door closes. 

‘I know, love, I will hold you to that promise though.’ He says while he kisses me one more time before he lets me go. 

Gloss is waiting for me on the other side of the fence. Looking at me with the googly eyes of a teenage boy. 

‘Oh shut up, Gloss.’ I tell him as I slap him on his upper arm. 

Gloss laughs wholeheartedly, which makes me feel happy inside. Gloss almost never laughs, seeing this side of him warms me to the core. As I look over my shoulder I see Jules glaring at me. Where did I pick up such a boy? He warms my heart and the hearts of the people around me. He makes the Capitol disappear for short periods of time when we are together. And for once I feel genuinely happy. 

My happiness stays for quite a while, only taking a break when we are forced back to the Capitol. The trips are rough but a lot more bearable without the looming danger of our patrons. Seeing Gloss on a trip with minimal physical injury is a good thing for the both of us. 

Months go by and all of us are going through great lengths to keep each other safe. Jules helps Neva to fake an injury which ruins her chances in the games and we are all relieved when it is confirmed by the Academy that she is no longer on the list of potentials. One less thing to worry about and one more beautiful girl kept safe. 

Mia gives birth to an adorable baby girl named Lace just before reaping day. Lux and Mia are on a pink cloud when they show her to us. The baby is beautiful and my heart sinks when I realize once again what kind of danger she is already in. I don’t tell her parents though. It is better if they can enjoy their little family without the looming danger. Rosie is also getting closer to her due-date which gives me a good reason to visit her a lot. Playing with Vic while his mother rests is one of my favorite things to do and it keeps my mind of the impending doom of the games. 

I try to stay upbeat, to remain positive and look at it with a hopeful mindset but it gets harder every day. I can feel the dread in both Gloss and Augustus too. Gloss and I are mentoring once again but Augustus will join us to learn and to see clients. The games remain the busiest time of the year for Snow’s prostitutes. 

The day of the reaping comes and I once again scan the crowd for a familiar face. Jules is just outside the borders next to Neva’s section. Sela is right next to him talking to a woman next to her. 

Augustus is standing beside me, the slight tremor in his hands betrays his otherwise calm demeanor. He is afraid now that he knows what being a victor means. And he is afraid that one of his friends might be reaped. Not all of them aged out of the reaping with him. For some it is their last year. 

When Melia appears on the stage and we are shown the repeating film we see every year at reaping day I feel a tinge of dread settle in me. Something boils inside me, telling me something is wrong. I never had this feeling before and it makes me kind of nauseous. I turn to the side slightly when the reaping starts, afraid I might throw up any minute. 

It gets even worse when Melia reads out the name of our first tribute. My legs turn into jelly and Gloss has to grab my arm to keep me upright. I feel tears form in my eyes as I try to hold them back, to not let them show to the whole of Panem. A desperate cry is heard just after Melia finishes the last syllable of the name and I know immediately where it came from. 

I want to check the card. I want to see if it is really her. But I know I will never get that chance. I have to believe Melia on her pale purple eyes that the name on the card really is  _ Neva Hart.  _

‘


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The games come around again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a bit of a time skip in this chapter. Everything is quite calm right now with Tiberius and Helio stepping down. Until a certain victor comes around.

The world around me stops moving when I see the familiar girl walking up the stairs to the podium trembling like a leaf. Her eyes are big and filled with tears. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jules holding his mother who is in tears. Jules’ face is unreadable. Does he blame himself for this? 

Normally someone would have volunteered by now. Some of the eighteen year olds would do it. They would have shouted those words before she even got to the stairs. Why is no one volunteering? I desperately look at the eighteen year old section but no one even moves. It is like all of them are told not to speak up. 

‘Breathe, Cash.’ Gloss whispers in my ear. ‘Don’t let them see that you are hurt by this.’ 

‘Why is no one volunteering?’ I whisper back almost inaudibly. 

‘I don’t know.’ Gloss answers while desperately trying to hold a smile. 

Neva is trying to hold back her tears when she stands next to me. She looks so fragile. Nothing like the girl she was only weeks ago, desperately trying to get into the games. She is clamping her hands behind her back, holding her head up high but it is only a show on the outside. On the inside the girl is already breaking down. 

‘Are there any volunteers?’ Melia asks, looking expectantly at the crowd. 

My heart stops beating. Anyone?  _ Please.  _ Let there be someone. I will never be able to look Jules in the eyes if I let this happen to his sister. 

‘No one?’ Melia asks again.

My eyes scan the crowd to find that one girl who can save Neva. Who can save Jules and as a result our relationship. 

‘I’ll do it!’ 

I gasp loudly when I hear the scream of a young girl. When she makes her way forward I see that she can’t be older than fifteen. Her face stands in determination. She is way too young to be the Academy’s chosen one. She just took the chance when she saw no one else was going to. 

Her fists are balled when she takes Neva’s place, who is hurried off the stage to end up in Jules’s arms. I look at him as he holds her close, her face nudged on his chest while he slowly rubs her back. This is a warning. This is Tiberius’s way to tell us he is watching us. This is his way to tell us we really are in danger. 

I would love to talk to Jules right now. To tell him to keep his head up, to keep himself safe. But we both know we can't. He has no reason to be at the justice building without getting noticed. We have to work with the glances we now share. I quickly search for my own family on the outlines of the kids in reaping age. I spot the big bulking body of my brother right away. Fibre and I lock eyes for just a moment before he nods at me. We don’t have to say a word but still understand each other. He will make sure they are safe. 

I am so busy worrying about Neva and Jules that I miss the rest of the reaping. I spent some dazed moments in the justice building letting Gloss do most of the talking and before I know it we are on the train. Before we get into the dining cart I feel Gloss push me against the wall. 

‘Cash, get it together. She is safe. Now do your job and help the girl’ He says, softly but firm. 

I can only nod at him in response. 

When we get into the dining cart I can see them both. The boy is a bulky one with jet black hair and terrifying eyes. He must have been set on volunteering for quite some years because he doesn't seem faced by anything around him. Augustus is already there talking to them softly. The girl is practically hanging from his lips soaking up all the information she can get. 

She looks even younger from up close with her curly ginger hair all over the place. Her ice blue eyes make her almost fairy like to see. What made her think this was a good way to go? Why is she here? Why did she choose to save Neva’s life? When I walk towards her I can see her eyes roam over me, taking in every inch. 

‘I am sorry about how I acted before.’ I tell her. ‘I’ḿ Cashmere, I’m your mentor. Can you tell me something about how you got here?’ 

I only realize then that I did not catch her name at all. Making me feel guilty about my lack of interest in her. 

‘Well, I trained at the academy since I was twelve. It is really the only thing to say about me. Not so much going on but training.’ She tells me and I feel my heart sink. 

‘What about your family?’ I ask. 

‘I don’t have any. Mom died giving birth to me and my dad had a freak accident a couple of years ago.’ 

So a community home kid. Great. Another one with nothing to lose. No wonder she volunteered. 

‘Come on, Maia. There must be more to tell.’ I hear Gloss say. 

So her name is Maia. That is more than I knew only seconds ago. 

‘Nope.’ She says, a smirk on her face. 

‘Fine.’ I tell her. ‘Can you at least tell me how old you are?’ 

‘I am fourteen.’ She says with a devilish glint in her eyes. 

Just as old as Finnick was I tell myself. She must be the youngest tribute in years for our district, probably even ever. She isn’t lost yet. Her attitude could get her far but we all know Finnick didn’t win his games on skill alone. 

This was going to be a hard one. 

The boy, Mace, is eighteen and has a lot more experience on his sleeve. He will probably get a lot more sponsors than Maia ever will. But I am going to try anyway. I am not letting her down. 

These years games are once again quick, the arena filled with ice and snow, making most of the tributes literally freeze to death. Mace being one of them. He tries to keep up but a hole in his jacket from the initial bloodbath gives him no chance to survive. Maia is faring a lot better. Her wittiness and enchanting looks making her the love interest of the bulky eighteen year old from Two called Nolan. I am almost certain she doesn’t feel the same way about him but I applaud her for keeping her game up. He is the one keeping her alive right now. 

He is also a real career and is mentored by the most competitive of them all, Brutus. Nolan gets his hands on some poisoned plant when it is down to the two of them. Making a soup that Maia is eager to take, only to have her choke on it a few minutes later. 

Part of me is sad about it. She came so far and really did everything right. But another part is glad we don’t have another victor to mentor into prostitution. Nolan might be a career but he has a square face and absolutely no sex appeal. Selling him would be a hard thing to do and we all know it. 

Brutus is overjoyed at another victory for his district and teases me relentlessly on the way he killed Maia. I let him talk. Maia did a great job but had little chance to survive from the very beginning. Her death is something I saw coming when it came down to her and Nolan. If she had a family, her family could have been proud. 

When we get home after the games I feel like something has changed. While Neva is still flustered by her very narrow escape Jules seems to have gone on without hesitation. We agree that we have to be even more careful. Getting Neva reaped was a warning but that treat can not be used again. If they want to warn us again they have to try something else. 

In another meeting with Fibre, Rosie, Jules, Gloss and me we decide to build up a network. A network of people to make sure everyone is safe. Neither Rosie or Neva will be allowed to walk the streets alone. They always have to be accompanied by either me or one of the boys. I press for the same rules for Jules but he doesn’t want to hear about it, telling me that he is capable of saving himself. 

The newborn baby in Rosie’s arms gives us all the more reason to protect the more vulnerable parts of our family. The little girl was born during the opening ceremonies and both her and Rosie are still healing from it. Little Ruby needs to be protected, just like Vic and Lace.

With Fibre watching Rosie most of the time and letting Gloss take over when he can’t, I help Jules watch over Neva. Neva’s reaping had scared her immensely, making her easily startled and careful with words. Her otherwise outgoing demeanor completely gone. I try to talk her back to her normal self but her few minutes on the reaping stage had done more to her than anyone thought. She might be different than any other kid that get’s reaped and is saved by a volunteer. Neva had known exactly what would happen to her if she were to go into the games. A foresight not many of the tributes had. 

Her experience makes our bonding easier. We take long walks around the lake together. Talking about my life and Jules. But also about everything she is feeling, like a normal teenager. Neva makes me almost feel like a teenager myself. Experiencing things I never got a chance to do before. I dare to take Neva to my house. Having childish sleepovers talking about teen stuff. She also tells me a lot about her new job at the jewelry store. I am almost positive that Jules helped her getting the job in favor of her working in the factories but she also seems enthusiastic about it. 

Neva also gives me some insight in Jules. He has always been very caring, especially since his dad died. Always making sure Neva was safe and provided for. Helping his mother out in her time of need. Jules and Neva talked about what happened endlessly during the games. Jules trying to cope with his guilt for almost sending his sister to hell. 

Jules and I grow closer, spending more and more time together, finding every loophole and hiding place to avoid getting caught. They know about Jules but it still can’t be public knowledge. Not if I want to keep him around in one piece. 

About a week after our Capitol trip to celebrate the Victory tour I introduce Jules to the rest of my family. We hold a family dinner which all of us attend. It is kind of an awkward affair for Jules. Being questioned by so many people about his intentions with their baby sister. But everybody seems to like him, even Silver who isn’t all that social most of the time.

‘I am so happy for you two. I can finally tell everyone I have another son.’ My mom gloats, her eyes glimmering. 

I swiftly look at Gloss who looks back at me. Jules ignores my glance, staring at the food on his plate. Fibre and Rosie stare at each other as everyone around us turns silent. 

‘Mom, you can’t tell anyone.’ I silently say. 

‘What do you mean?’ She asks, her forehead frowning. 

‘Our relationship has to remain a secret. You can’t tell anyone about it.’ I tell her. 

The look on her face tells me she doesn’t understand one bit of it. I feel myself start to panic slightly. How are we going to explain this without letting them in on our secrets. I can feel Jules’s calming hand on my knee under the table. He might not be able to look at me, but he is with me nonetheless. 

‘Mom, we are not allowed to have a relationship with someone. It will put them and us in danger.’ Gloss answers for me. 

‘Why not?’ Mom asks him. 

‘Because they want to influence every aspect of our lives. Including this. Snow decides what we are allowed to do and what we aren’t and for us part of the deal is to remain available.’ 

I am almost surprised that Gloss is able to say it in a way without bringing the true nature of our work into the light. 

‘So, you two do have something. But we can’t tell anyone you do?’ Dad asks. 

‘We love each other, but in order to keep everyone safe it has to remain a secret.’ I answer, nodding my head to give it more power. 

‘That sucks.’ Silver says, having remained silent for almost the whole dinner. 

Gloss is the first one to laugh at his comment and it doesn’t take long for the rest of us to join in. Yeah, it sucks. But it is the best we can do. I am happy to experience how welcome Jules is. Even if we have to keep him a secret, they still see him as part of the family. 

It is almost weird how strangely calm my life is at the moment. The Capitol still calls for us but even in the Capitol things seem to have settled down a bit. With Helio and Tiberius gone we get way more space to breathe. Tiberius’s treats still loom over our heads but apart from the ongoing visits from Commander Jones to our brother’s house there is nothing threatening going on. 

The games are there again before I really know what is happening. Gloss get’s a year off this time, only joining us to work his set of clients. Making this year the first time Gus will really mentor a tribute. He gets an easy one with an eighteen year old volunteer called Royce. His whole demeanor screams career, something that Augustus is very familiar with. I get a seventeen year old volunteer called Opal. 

The 69th games are long and tiring. The jungle arena is so dense it takes the tributes hours to walk a few steps which makes it even harder to find each other let alone kill. After almost two weeks there are still 8 tributes left. When the careers find the girl from Seven they think they are done and start infighting, proving that they might be the muscles but almost never are the brains. Both Royce and Opal fall at the hands of the District Four male before he himself runs into a panther shaped mutt. He loses the fight in minutes leaving a sulkin and scrawny boy from District Three the victor.

Lumen is only 16 and mostly overwhelmed by everything around him. Beetee and Wiress aren’t exactly the easiest mentors and it has been quite a while since they succeeded in getting a tribute out. He drowns in all the parties he is supposed to attend and all of us quickly notice that he will fade to the background quickly. The media giving Nolan and Augustus more screen time than Lumen, which is probably for the best for the shy boy. 

The Victor’s floor doesn’t get another occupant this year again which is nice but also alarming. How long will Snow go on without a new addition to his flock? Will he manipulate the games again just to get someone out who he can sell? There are enough rumours that it happened with Finnick’s games. That it wasn’t only his ridiculous amount of sponsors but also Snow wanting him out to answer to the audience’s request.

When we get back from these years' games I immediately find solace in Jules. He knew Royce well but doesn’t seem really faced by what happened to him. I have long and deep talks with Jules about what he does at the academy and how he feels about it. Royce, like Augustus, was really set on volunteering. Nothing could have changed his mind which gives Jules some peace. It gets harder and harder for him to see the kids go through the Academy and train them for something he does no longer believe in. But he doesn’t really have a choice. Having learned no other trade that pays as well as his job does. 

During the months after the Games I start to notice that Jules is keeping things from me. Him and Fibre seem to be communicating a lot and their training sessions together get longer and longer. I don’t really know what to think about them. I trust Jules that he would tell me if he needed to. It is probably safer for the both of us that he keeps it for himself. 

Neva falls head over heels in love with my ex boyfriend Marcus. Who has remained strangely single since he dated me. Marcus works at the local grocery store that is owned by his parents right across from Neva’s work. Having her talk about how he is amazing and sweet and caring and did I say amazing, warms my heart. Marcus was the only relationship I have had without a care in the world. When we were together I did not know about the treat that could hang over me. 

It only takes a month of endless staring and telling me how wonderful he is before Neva finds out that Marcus likes her too. When she asks me for advice on how to do this I tell her that I am not a great example on how to handle relationships. Rosie is happy to help her though and when I introduce them I get to play with my niece and nephew. 

Vic is starting to become a curious and exciting little kid. His fourth birthday was the first we ever got to attend and both Gloss and I made sure we pampered him in presents. He only has one more year at home before he starts elementary school and he can be a handful. 

‘Auntie Cash, how come you do not work like mommy and daddy? Why are you always free?’ Vic asks me while Ruby wobbles around on her short legs. She started walking on her first birthday, during the games. A birthday we will never be able to attend. 

‘Well, buddy, I do work. Just not as often as your mom and dad.’ I tell him, while I softly stroke his blond hair while he sits before me on our blanket.. He is a real Grimes, with every feature right there. Ruby looks more like her mother but Vic is definitely a Grimes. 

‘Do you work with the big machines like mom?’ He asks, his questioning eyes boring into me. 

‘No, I don’t. Uncle Gloss and I work far away. We go there sometimes and then we work really hard so we can take some time off when we get back.’ 

‘I wanna work with the big machines, just like mom and dad.’ He tells me in earnest while he places another block on his ever growing pile. 

‘That’s alright, buddy. You can be whatever you want to be.’ 

Vic remains silent while I watch his sister run around. Ruby is still unsteady on her small little legs but every time she falls she gets up again without a fuzz. Her little face set in determination to get on her feet again. After a while she sits down in the grass, playing with the dandelions and chirping happily. 

‘Auntie Cash?’ Vic says again. 

‘Yes buddy?’ 

‘Why did you and Uncle Gloss play that game?’

I am breathless for a minute, like all the air is knocked out of my lungs. How am I going to explain this to a four year old? He must have overheard something from his parents but I did not expect him to ask me so bluntly. 

‘What do you mean bud?’ I ask instead. 

‘Daddy was really mad at something and then he was talking with mommy about a game you played. But when I asked him if it was a fun game he did not want to tell me. So was it?’ He asks, his big eyes focused on my face.

He will learn about the Games in school and he will find out soon enough what part Gloss and I played in our own Games. He will learn that anywhere outside of his house the name Grimes is linked to a famous set of siblings. 

‘No buddy. It isn’t a nice game to play. It is a really sad game and it hurts a lot of people. Some people have to play the game even if they don’t want to play.’ I say. 

‘Did you want to play?’ He asks me, unaware of the dark topic he has chosen to talk about. 

I sigh heavily, making little curls in his hair with my fingers. 

‘Yes, when I played I wanted to. But I do not want to play it anymore.’ 

‘Did you cry?’ He asks with a sad face. 

I have to laugh. His face being so incredibly adorable. 

‘Why do you think I cried?’ I ask him. 

I see a little frown on his face telling me he is thinking really hard about it. 

‘You said it was a sad game, so did you cry?’ 

It was child logic. If you were sad you cried. 

‘Well, I did not cry when I was playing the game. But it did give me owwie so I cried a bit after I won the game.’ 

‘Did you get a kiss?’ He asks, taking me by surprise. 

‘A kiss?’ 

‘Mommy always gives a kiss when I have owwie and then it is gone.’ He tells me in honesty. 

I laugh slightly, being careful to give him the idea I take him seriously. 

‘No buddy, No one gave me a kiss on my owwie.’ I tell him. 

Before I can ask what he is doing he gets up on his feet, looking at me intently. Searching for something. 

‘What are you doing, Vic?’ 

‘I am looking for your owwie. Where is it?’ 

I feel a giant smile appearing on my face. 

‘Vic, it is gone. It has been gone for years.’ 

‘No, it is still there. Only a kiss can make it leave.’ 

‘Okay.’ I tell him. ‘I had a big owwie on my tummie. Maybe -’ 

Before I can even finish I feel him crash into me. His face pressed into my stomach, planting probably a thousand kisses. I fall back into the grass while I start tickling his sides. Vic squirms and laughs as we roll on the ground together. His little arms swaying through the air as I lift him up like an airplane. 

After a while I put him down next to me. 

‘Thank you, buddy. I think the kisses really help.’ I tell him. 

‘Auntie Cash, you are silly.’ He says while he looks at me with frustration written on his face. 

‘Why?’ I laugh at him. 

‘Of course the kisses work. Mommy says it and mommy never lies.’ 

* * *

The 70th Games are special, not as special as a Quarter Quell but still more special than any other games. The roundness of the numbers every ten years makes something stirr in the Capitolites hearts that I don’t understand. Gloss is back to mentoring giving Augustus a break. They will most likely keep switching places for the next couple of years. 

We get to the Capitol with once again two volunteers. The boy is seventeen and is sporting the ridiculous name Valour. He is determined to be the best tribute ever, breaking every record he can. It is the same old tiring story that only holds till they are in the arena. My tribute is an eighteen year old named Gleam. 

The career pack is strong this year although they do not seem to get along all that well. Valour is a scary kid, almost psychotic, and I think the rest of them know that very quickly. There are uncertain glances every time they are left alone with him, scared of what he might do. 

Valour is brutal, especially when he has an argument with the District Four boy and decides to behead him in front of the whole pack. The death is gruesome and totally unnecessary. The beautiful girl from Four flees the pack after and hides in the trees, to startled by the sudden death of her partner. 

Finnick seems hurt by it too. His tribute was a strong contender who didn’t deserve to die like this. It is nothing like Finnick to start throwing stuff but that is exactly what he does in the first moments after his tribute’s death. Mags is not physically strong enough to stop him but Gloss doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around the struggling victor. 

‘Shh.. Finn. It’s okay. Let it out.’ He tells him while Finnick’s whole body is trembling. 

His extreme reaction makes me wonder if he knew the boy. If the boy is somehow a punishment for something he had done. It makes me want to talk to him more than I ever wanted. 

‘Melia?’ I ask our always present escort. ’Keep an eye on them will you?’ 

She nods without words while I lock eyes with Gloss. We don’t have to say anything before we hurtle Finnick towards the elevators. Before we can get in I feel another person closing in, his smell wafting forward before he arrives. 

‘Haymitch.’ I say nodding at him while he stands next to us. 

‘Go to the Twelfth floor and take the stairs. Maybe some fresh air will help.’ He says before he leaves again. 

Gloss and I look at each other in confusion. The old victor might be a drunk but when he says something like that he can’t be denied. Maybe fresh air is all Finnick needs. 

When we get in I press the button for the Twelfth floor without hesitation not even thinking if it is smart or not. When we get out of the elevator and up the stairs I can feel the fresh air hit me already. Fresh air is hard to come by in the tribute centre. None of the windows can open out of fear someone might take the easy way out. 

The sight is astonishing, looking out over most of the city, lost in the rumble of the life around us. The wind makes it hard to understand each other, which might make this the safest place to talk in the Capitol. 

‘Finnick, who was he?’ Gloss asks once Finnick is breathing normally again. 

‘I - ‘ Finn tries. 

‘Come on Finn, this is not a normal reaction for you. His death was brutal but he must mean more to you to get this kind of a reaction.’ Gloss presses. 

Finnick sighs heavily before he looks up, his eyes red and tear stained. 

‘Dylan is a friend from when I was still in school. He is pretty smart and all so he got to skip a grade. That is why he is still in reaping age.’ He stumbles. 

‘So he is a punishment?’ I ask Finnick. 

‘Yeah, probably.’ He says, converting back to a sobbing boy. Finnick is nineteen now but he still looks like a little boy sometimes. Like the little boy that was stolen from him five years ago. 

‘Why?’ Gloss asks. 

‘They asked me to work at home. To make sure that a certain Capitolite would be persuaded to vote in the president's favour. They brought him to my house and all, sending my mom and dad out to Mags’ house. My parents don’t know so they were all confused. And I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to lie to them about what they were going to do. I didn’t want him to do that in my own house. So I sneaked out the back door while he was in the bathroom and hid out in Mags’ house. They found me eventually and forced me anyway, so it didn’t do any good. And for a while I thought it was fine. That I had averted any serious repercussions for my actions until they reaped Dylan. And I knew, I just knew that he was reaped for my punishment. And now he is dead because of me.’ He tells us, sobbing. 

We remain silent for a while, staring at him. Finn and I had talked about Neva’s reaping since he had noticed me being uncomfortable on the television immediately. We had talked about a lot of things that day. About Jules and finding love. About what we wanted to do in our lives. Finnick told me about wanting a family of his own. A little boy to go fishing with in the sturdy ocean he called home. 

Neva had been saved but Dylan hadn’t. No one had stepped up to save Finnick’s friend from a fate he didn’t deserve. And now Finnick felt guilty once again. Guilty for something he was forced into and only panicked about. I know how it feels when your safe home gets disturbed by someone you don’t want there. It sucks. 

About half an hour later the District Four girl seems to have regained her strength somewhat or at least she is going on on pure adrenaline. Once Finnick gets back he puts all his energy into her, having switched tributes because Mags didn’t think it was a good idea he would mentor his own friend. 

Valour is merciless the rest of the games, even killing Gleam in a fit of anger. Gloss and I are both worried about the outcome of these games. Valour is a psychopath, do we really want to bring him home? Do we want such a murderous boy to win this game? What will he do once we get home?

About a week into the games the giant dam breaks, flooding the arena. It is like Snow is giving us confirmation that he does not want Valour to be victorious. Gaining a beautiful and desirable victor in return. Flooding the arena makes it easier to survive for the one tribute who can actually swim. The perfect new addition with her beautiful brown hair and sea green eyes, Annie Cresta.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ghost from the past shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day later than I normally post, sorry about that. Work is quite busy. I am a teacher and we have to home school the kids because of Covid. So I forgot to post. But... here it is. Enjoy!

‘Auntie Cash?’ Vic exclaims happily. 

‘Yes buddy?’ I answer him.

Vic has been excited all weekend, his first day of elementary school arriving next monday. We were able to be at his birthday for the second year in a row, our trip to the Capitol delayed with an unknown cause. He is holding my hand tightly while his little sister is wobbling just a few meters in front of us. I took the both of them out of Rosie’s hands, who is once again pregnant and suffering from some terrible morning sickness. 

‘What will I learn first?’ 

‘Well, buddy, I think you will start with letters and stuff. They will teach you how to read them so you can start reading.’ 

‘Cool.’ Is the only thing he mutters before he glances back at his feet. Sometimes the paving in the square can be quite uneven so I taught him, to always look where he is walking. 

I hear a light thud before Ruby starts crying. Her wobbling legs not steady enough while she probably tripped over something on the floor. 

‘You’re okay, Ruby. Just get up on your feet.’ I tell her while I slowly walk over to help her stand up. 

But before I can get to her she is picked up by another pair of hands. 

‘Don’t worry little one. You will be fine.’ A familiar voice says and I freeze in place. 

I watch as his claws dig their way into my little nieces body. Picking her up and holding her like his own. Ruby stops crying and watches him with big eyes instead. Vic lodges himself around my leg, probably feeling that I am nervous. 

What is he doing here? And why is he holding something that is so dear to me. He is not alone. A squadron of peacekeepers is keeping watch nearby, Commander Jones among them. 

‘Tiberius. Let her go.’ I snarl at him, not wanting to draw any more attention. 

‘Ah,  _ princess,  _ how lovely to see you here.’ He says, slowly stroking Ruby’s back to keep her calm. Ruby knows she is not supposed to let strange people hold her. She might be only two years old but both her parents made sure she already understood that. No one can touch them without their parents around if it isn’t someone they know. 

Vic is clinging to me like I am his lifeline. His little fist lodged in the fabric of my sweater, softly tucking at it to get my attention. When I look down I can see big tears in his eyes while one makes it down his cheek. 

‘Is he a bad man?’ His shrill and scared voice asks me and I feel my heart break. 

I sigh before I put my hand on his head to calm him down. 

‘He is, buddy. But I will not let him hurt you or Ruby, okay?’ I tell him before I turn my attention back to the problem in front of me. 

Tiberius is smirking at me while he keeps stroking Ruby’s back and a chill runs up my spine. This is not good. He lost the right to be here when he lost his patronage over Gloss. Why is he here?

‘I thought you weren’t allowed here anymore. I thought you ruined that for yourself. So what are you doing here?’ 

‘Oh  _ princess, _ don’t be like that. You know it wasn’t my fault we don’t get to play anymore.’

‘Yeah, sure.’ I say, rolling my eyes at him. ‘Doesn’t answer my question though.’

I freeze when Tiberius steps forward, Vic whimpering beside me. I need to get him out of here. I need him to be safe so I can care about his little sister. Without a second thought I ignore Tiberius, sinking down to Vic’s level to talk to him. 

‘He buddy, I know you are scared.’ I whisper to him. His eyes are big and filled with tears. ‘I need you to run to the Academy. Just run to the other side of the square and go inside. You know who to find there don’t you?’ 

His eyes are still fixed on Tiberius who is looming over us.

‘No bud, look at me okay? Do you remember who works there?’ I ask him. 

His soft nod tells me he is listening. 

‘Good.’ I say while I smile at him. ‘Tell him what happened. He will keep you safe. Now go.’ 

I push him slightly in the right directions before he runs off as fast as his legs can carry him. When I rise up again I can feel Tiberius standing awfully close to me. 

‘Such an adorable little guy, it would be a shame if something happens to him.’ Tiberius says, a glint in his eyes that I never hoped to see again. A glint that I never want to see, especially not with Ruby in his arms. I care for them like they are my own children, because I can never have them myself. 

‘Tiberius,  _ please,  _ give her to me.’ I plead, stretching out my hands to get Ruby from him. 

‘Will you still listen and do as you're told if she is safely in your arms?’

I nod without hesitation. I will do everything to keep them safe. 

‘Now,  _ princess,  _ that is not a proper way to talk to me.’ He says letting his hand roam my arm, creating a pattern of goose bumps all over my body. 

‘Yes, sir.’ I blunt out and to my surprise he hands her over to me. Ruby doesn’t cry but hides her face in my neck for safety as I exhale, not even realizing I was holding my breath. 

‘Now if you will follow me.’ He says, walking away, expecting me to follow in his footsteps. 

I feel vulnerable with Ruby in my arms. I will not be able to fight back against anything they might want to do. But I am not letting her go. She needs me, it is my job to keep her safe. 

I look up when I hear a commotion at the entrance to the Academy, right next to the Justice building we are headed for. Jules is holding a sobbing Vic in his arms, a look of terror on his face. He stares at me like he has seen a ghost softly stroking Vic’s back. 

Without thinking about it I walk towards him. Ignoring Tiberius’s command to follow him. I will follow him, but not with my baby niece in my arms. I will not get her into even more danger. I feel my fear grow when I get to him. 

‘Get them to their mother.’ I tell him before I plant a soft kiss on Ruby’s head and hand her over to him. He is strong enough to hold them both at the same time. 

‘Cash -’ He whispers before I interrupt him. 

‘Jules, don’t. I will be fine. He can’t hurt me without getting himself into some shit.’ I tell him, sounding more sure than I am. 

Jules nods as a reply before I turn around to walk towards the Justice building where Tiberius is waiting for me. I am scared beyond belief but I can’t let it show. 

‘Ah, so his sister’s narrow escape did not scare him away. He is still around.’ Tiberius gloats. 

‘Like you did not know that.’ I snort. Tiberius had been watching without a doubt. Jules might still be a secret for a lot of people but not for the Capitol. They have known about his existence for a couple of years now. 

‘They cling to him like they do to their father. Seems like he has been in their lives for a while.’ 

‘And what if he has? Has he interfered with my work or my performance in the meantime?’ 

‘Not yet.’ He says reluctantly. 

‘So there is no reason to torment him. He knows how to behave as he has done for the past couple of years. He gives you the exciting tributes you want for your games. Leave him be.’ I say, feeling brave. 

‘Well, maybe I will.’ Tiberius says. ‘For now.’ 

Before I can comment on him again he turns around into the justice building. Expecting me to follow him. Without a word he takes me to one of the holding rooms that are usually only used for holding the freshly reaped tributes on reaping day. 

‘Well, miss Grimes. We have a slight problem.’

I instantly feel a lump in my throat. A problem? Why was there a problem and why was I involved?

‘What problem?’ I ask him, my heart racing. 

‘Our newest victor.’ Tiberius says, with a sly grin. 

That has me instantly confused. What do I have to do with Annie Cresta? Isn’t it Finnick’s business to get her up to speed? And couldn’t Mags help him if he doesn’t know what to do? Annie Cresta is not one of my responsibilities. 

‘What does Annie have to do with me?’ I ask him. 

‘Well, it is not specifically Annie that is forming a problem for me right now. But more her inexperienced mentor who is faltering in both his work and his mentoring duties.’ 

So it isn’t about Annie but about Finnick. My pupil. The one I coached onto our world when Mags couldn’t. I feel an instant dread that he is in trouble. If he is not working as he should he gets people into trouble. He gets people killed. 

‘What do you want me to do about it?’ I ask him. 

‘Well, maybe you should make him see reason. He seems very taken with his new pupil. Very interested in her well being, very protective. Maybe a bit too protective.’ 

‘Isn’t that his job? To protect his tributes. To make sure they are kept safe?’ I ask him.

‘Oh it is. But it is not his only job. And his protectiveness seems to be getting in the way of his relationship with his sponsors. They might even think he doesn’t want to be with them anymore.’ 

So Finnick is struggling. Struggling to combine his mentoring duties with his outer image. Some Capitolites believe he loves them back. That the affection they feel is mutual. It isn’t. And it never will be. Not when you are forced into it. 

‘I can talk to him if you will let me call him. Help him understand what he has to do.’ I propose. 

‘That seems like an excellent plan. Make sure you succeed. If you don’t it won’t only be his ass on the line.’ He tells me before he walks out of the room, leaving me alone. 

I don’t know how I do it but before I know it I find myself in my own house. Gloss is on the couch waiting for me. The look in his eyes tells me he knows that something is wrong. 

‘Cash, what happened? I was with Rosie when Jules brought Vic and Ruby in, both of them crying. Why was he here?’ 

I don’t answer him immediately, reaching for the phone instead. Finnick’s number is still programmed in it from when he first joined the pack. I am already hearing the dialing tone when I turn my attention to my brother. 

‘It’s Finn.’ I tell him. 

‘What about him?’ Gloss asks me in confusion, 

‘He is -’ I tried before I heard a noise on the other side of the line. 

‘Odair residence.’ A friendly female voice tells me. Probably Finn’s mom. 

‘Hi, mrs Odair. It is Cashmere Grimes, can I talk to Finnick please?’ 

‘Hi Cashmere. I have heard so much about you. It is nice to talk to you. I am afraid that Finnick is not here right now. He told us he is taking some time off. Told us he was taking a break in the Capitol.’ 

His mom sounded friendly. If only she knew what her son was doing to keep her safe. 

‘So he is not in Four?’ I asked her, tension rising in me. Why was he not home?

‘No he is not, I’m afraid.’ She replies. 

A popular victor not being home isn’t a strange thing. We aren’t home a lot during the year, spending enough time in the Capitol to earn enough money for the President. But most of the time we are there together. They always bring all of us in at the same time. So why is he there when we aren’t?

‘Well, then I have to wait till he is. I am sorry to have bothered you Mrs Odair.’ 

‘No problem, sweetheart. If you do talk to him, tell him we love him.’ 

‘I will.’ I reply before I put the phone down. 

When I turn around I see Gloss standing in the doorway. A look of worry on his face. Finnick means as much to him as he means to me. 

‘Finnick is not in Four?’ Gloss asks me, confirming what I just said.

‘No he isn’t. His mom says he is in the Capitol on a break. But I don’t believe that. He would never choose to go there instead of being home.’ I tell him. 

‘I agree. Finnick hates that place. He would choose Four over everything.’ 

What was Finnick doing in the Capitol and how could I get a hold of him? I had never called the Capitol from here. The only number I ever asked was Finnick’s. 

‘How do we call the Capitol?’ I ask Gloss, hoping that he might know a way to deal with this. 

‘Well, I don’t know how to call the floor directly but maybe Melia can get us in there? I have called her before. Had to arrange a victory tour with her twice. You want me to try?’ 

‘We can at least try. Put it on speaker, please.’ I tell him while making way for him to take my place. 

The phone buzzes a couple of times before we hear something from the other side of the line. 

‘Sugar, what a surprise! How are you doing?’ She gloats happily. I have never called her before so me calling her can be called a surprise. 

‘Hi Melia, you have us both.’ Gloss says before I can answer. ‘And we are fine. Everything is going as it is supposed to be.’ 

‘Now darling, don’t lie to me. I know you love me but you would never call me unless there was something wrong. So tell me, what is it you need.’ 

I can see a little smile form around Gloss’s mouth. Melia knows about our secrets and tries her best to distract us whenever she can. She knows Gloss even better than she knows me. Knowing about his weaknesses and strengths through experience and time. 

‘Do you know if Finnick is in the Capitol? I called his home but he isn’t in Four. I am worried about him.’ I tell her. 

‘There you are, sugar. It has been a while since we talked. Everything all right?’ 

I can’t help but smile as well. Melia might be a Capitolite but she is a good one. One that cares and helps and knows what will make stuff better and what won’t.

‘I am fine Melia. Do you know anything about Finn?’ 

‘Well, reports say he has been spotted around the Capitol. Going through his usual line of lovers. There are also rumours that our newest victor is still around. I have no idea what she is up to, no one really knows.’ 

Annie is in the Capitol with Finn? Why? Is she working without us knowing? We hadn’t really talked about it with Finn after the Games ended. She had been in the hospital for quite some time and seemed a bit timid during her ceremonies. We warned Finnick that Snow might want to talk to her to explain the way we worked but he told us that he hadn’t. Snow hadn’t summoned her yet and she was set to go home the day after we left. But apparently they hadn’t.

I feel a cold run down my spine when I think about it. What is going on? Why is all of this happening and why didn’t we know about it. 

‘Melia, do you think you might be able to call his apartment for us so we can talk to him?’ Gloss asks, a look of uneasiness on his face as well. 

‘I see what I can do, give me a moment.’ 

The sound of ruffling papers in the background tells me she is searching for something to patch us through. The whole situation making me beyond anxious. What is going on? Why is Finnick working and what is the deal with Annie? 

‘Okay sugar, I have the number of your apartment here. Not his but maybe he will hear it and answer. It is all I have so maybe you can try.’ Melia replies after a while. 

‘We will try Melia, can you put us through?’ I ask her. 

‘Sure, just a moment. And maybe call me later, I want to know how you are doing’

‘I sure will, Melia. Thank you.’ 

‘You’re welcome sugar.’ She says before we hear the familiar dial tone. 

With every beep of the phone my anxiety builds. I want to know what is going on. I want to know how he is doing. Just like Gloss will always be a mentor to Gus and me, Finnick will always be my baby. We share so much. So many good things and bad things. But it is something we share. I don’t want him to get hurt or make choices he will regret for the rest of his life. 

‘Yes?!’ I suddenly hear from the other side of the line. It sounds like he is changing between an annoyed standpoint and one of anger.

‘Seaweed?’ I carefully ask. 

‘Cash?’ The tone of his voice changing completely to something more friendly.

I look at Gloss with a hint of relief on my face as I see the same thing on his. We still don’t know what is going on but hearing his voice is nice enough. 

‘You got us both, Finn. What the heck is going on?’ Gloss asks. 

We hear Finn think for a moment before he answers. 

‘I might have done something stupid.’ He tells us reluctantly. 

‘What did you do?’ Gloss asks.

‘Snow did ask to see Annie before we left and he told her he expected her to work. She was very unstable and they numbed her with drugs during her ceremonies. But she took it like a pro, like really well. She told him she would do whatever was expected of her and I believed her right there. I asked her if she wanted to go and meet you, but she didn’t. She said she wanted to stay in her room. She was sent on her first assignment the next day while we were all still there and she seemed confident in doing that. So I tried to prepare her. I tried to talk to her about what was expected and she took it really well. And when she went I waited for her. But when she came back she was numb. Like the light in her eyes had gone out. The only thing she did was press her hands to her ears and rock back and forth. And I held her. I held her till she calmed down. And I made a promise.’ Finn says, his voice littered with emotion.

‘What promise did you make?’ Gloss asks. Asking the question I can not get out of my mouth. 

Finnick sighs heavily before he continues. 

‘I promised her I would not let them hurt her again. That I would talk to Snow to help her get out of this deal. And I believed I could do it. That I had him in my pocket because I am his most wanted Victor. So I promised her to fix it. She couldn’t deal with it and I promised her it would never happen again. So I requested an audience with our dear president.’

‘How did that go?’ Gloss asks, stealing my words before I can stay them. 

‘Well what do you expect? I told him what happened and tried to push him to let her go. That she wasn’t stable enough to do this day in day out. That Dylan’s death had traumatised her and she could not deal with any of this. And he agreed with me, he told me she would be a bad example to follow and that she would cause more trouble than she was worth. But he asked for payment for his lost income. So I offered him the only thing I could offer.’ 

‘What did you do Finn?’ I ask him. 

‘I offered him me. My body as he wishes to use it. I offered him more time in the Capitol, more clients. And he accepted.’ 

‘Finnick! You can’t protect her from him and you know it. Selling your soul won’t help.’ I shout at him more disturbed than angry. 

‘I know that! Trust me I know, but I didn’t think about it. All I could think about was Annie shivering in my arms, not even able to talk to me. I could not let them do that to her. Cash, she is such a kindhearted person. She never wanted to be in the games, she wanted to be a mother and a teacher. She wanted to raise the children of Four to be good and kind people. She never wanted to fight for her life. She just happened to be thrown in one and survived. If she messes up it will destroy her. It will destroy her if she is responsible for the death of her father. He is all she has. There is no one else.’ 

‘Where is Annie now?’ Gloss asks. 

‘He put her in some sort of mental hospital but she doesn’t belong there and he knows that. She has anxiety from the trauma they put her through but she isn’t crazy. Everytime I visit her she is just fine. I asked him about it and he said it was to keep her safe, but I think he just doesn’t know what to do with her.’ Finn exclaims hopelessly. ‘I just don’t know what to do. I want to go home. Take her with me and keep her safe, but they won’t let me go home. And all of you aren’t here and I don't get any rest between taking care of Annie and working. I am exhausted and I feel lost.’ 

My heart breaks for my best friend. He is doing what he thought was the best option but now it is consuming him from the inside. He is very protective of Annie and it makes me wonder if he might feel more for her than he lets on. If that is the case he has to be very careful. She might be a fresh victor now and that makes her important. But even victors can become forgotten and when that happens to her she is in danger if Finnick makes a mistake. 

‘So what did you agree on? How much time?’ Gloss asks. 

‘I do two months on, one month off. And I haven’t been home since the games.’ He tells us. 

Gloss looks at me with a look of determination on his face. He is making a plan and I am not sure if I like it. 

‘Hang in there Finn. We will be with you before you know it. I will make sure of it.’ 

‘I will.’ Finn says almost defeated before he hangs up.

He really isn’t doing well and I am worried about how long he will be able to keep this up. It is mostly his worry for Annie that makes it hard for him. He cares for her deeply, probably just like Gloss cares for Enobaria. But caring for someone is dangerous in our world. 

‘What are you planning to do to get us to the Capitol?’ I ask Gloss. ‘Last time I checked we do not decide when we go.’ 

‘No we don’t, but the one who does is in the District. I might still hold his favour.’ He says while he deliberately looks away from me. 

It takes a moment before I realize what he is implying. That he will offer himself up to get us to Finn. 

‘Gloss, no! Don’t do it!’ I yell at him. 

‘It is the only way, Cash. He is drowning and he needs us. If not things will happen that he will regret for the rest of his life. I can live with him using me one more time, he won’t kill me. He isn’t even allowed to touch me so he will make sure I am still alive after. If Snow finds out he will have his tongue.’ Gloss says, his eyes carrying a mixture between sadness and determination. 

I know my brother and I know that I can’t talk him out of this. He will offer up a piece of himself to save our baby brother. To save Finnick from the devastation of losing a parent. It makes me wonder why Tiberius hasn’t killed anyone yet. If Finnick is faltering in his work that is his usual go to. Maybe Snow hasn’t given him the permission to carry that one out or maybe it is the same case as with Ena. Finnick doesn’t have a lot of family, so his family is only in danger when he directly refuses something he is told to do. Maybe he hasn’t done that. Yet. 

‘Please Cashmere, if I am going to do this, I need you. I need you to be there. I need to know you are with me. I won’t let Finnick drown, he is family and we are the only ones who can help him. Please help me try.’ He begs me with tears in his eyes. 

It doesn’t take me long to answer him as I fold my arms around him, burying my face in his neck. 

‘Of course I will.’ 


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere talks to Jules and gets some information she didn expect.

We silently walk towards the justice building, hoping to find him there. Gloss’s fingers are softly laying in my hand giving us both comfort. Every few steps the pressure changes. Him squeezing my hand to assure himself he can do this. I am feeling slightly nauseous from what he is about to do. I know he chose to do this himself but I am not happy about it. 

On the steps of the justice building we halt for a moment. The majestic building looming over us as Gloss looks at me once more. 

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I ask him silently. 

It takes a moment before he nods his head. He exhales deeply before he turns around and enters the building. We have been there so many times. Both of us have gone through those rooms as tributes and as mentors. We stood in this entrance hall talking to parents both before and after their children died. It is not a place I enjoy being. 

We are immediately greeted by Commander Jones which sends a shiver down my spine. I hate the man for what he stands for and who he works with. I hate him for what he is doing to Rosie and Fibre.

‘Well, well, if those aren’t two of our most popular victors. What brings you here on this lovely day?’ Commander Jones gloats.

‘Is he still here?’ Gloss asks him. 

‘He might be.’ Jones says walking towards me causing goosebumps all over my body. Gloss’s hand squeezing mine tightly to reassure me. 

‘What do you mean he might be?’ Gloss asks. 

I freeze as I feel Jones’s body come up behind me, his hands around my waist and his breath in my neck. Gloss is still holding on to me while my eyes grow big. 

‘Well, it depends on what you want to pay to interrupt his day with your endless bickering about your sad lives.’ Jones says while he kisses my neck. 

Gloss is not watching me, keeping his eyes fixed forward while Jones abuses me next to him. Jones’s hands find their way to my belt, unbuckling it to gain access to my private parts. I know what he wants. And I know it is the only way to get us in contact with Tiberius. To get us in contact with Finn before he loses someone important. 

As I exhale and close my eyes I feel his hand dip behind the waistband of my pants. A loud gasp escapes me as his fingers touch the sensitive bundle of nerves that hides there. The slow circling motion makes my legs turn to jelly. I can’t help but pant as the movement intensifies as he presses my body against his. His erection pressing against my lower back. 

‘There you go  _ princess,  _ nice and wet for me.’ He whispers in my ear, loud enough for Gloss to catch. His grip on my hand intensifies while I see him fight his rage beside me. He wants to protect me, he wants to make him stop. But he knows that if he does it will only get worse. 

‘Jones! Let her go. You are violating President Snow’s personal property without permission. He could have your tongue for this.’ I hear from above as my eyes shoot open immediately. 

Looking down on us from the top of the stairs is Tiberius. Saving me from Jones but probably just so he doesn’t get in trouble himself. Jones’s hands leave my body like I am contagious as I lower my eyes for Tiberius. He might not be Gloss’s patron anymore but I am still not certain his rules are gone. 

‘Ah  _ puer,  _ it has been quite a while since I saw your beautiful body with my own eyes. Oh how I miss those perfect abs and that absolutely breathtaking ass.’ Tiberius gloats as he walks down the stairs,

Gloss is trembling beside me, his head lowered as low as it can go. I see him change before my eyes. I see him change into the man he hasn’t been in so long. The obedient slave shining through his otherwise strong demeanor. He is fighting against his instincts, fighting against the obedience that has literally been beaten into him. 

‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ Tiberius asks. 

‘I need a favor.’ Gloss says, stronger than he probably feels. 

‘A favor? You haven’t asked for one in a while. What could it be that you need that only I can give you?’ 

‘We need to get to the Capitol, we need to help Finnick before he breaks.’ Gloss says, eyes still fixed on the ground in front of him. 

I can almost hear the smile around Tiberius’s face. The extreme pleasure this gives him. He might not be able to get a hold of him anymore but now Gloss is coming to him. Even though he knows the level of hate we both feel for him. Gloss is coming to him and practically begging him.

‘ _ Puer,  _ if you really want me to listen, you know what to do.’ 

Gloss doesn't even hesitate before he loses his shirt and drops down to his knees. My heart breaks all over when I see him do it. He wasn’t supposed to do that ever again. It was supposed to be over. He isn’t his slave anymore. He is a person, not an object. 

A cold feeling washes over me as I see Tiberius place his hand on Gloss’s head. His figure trembling from top to bottom. He whines softly like a kicked dog when Tiberius starts stroking his hair. He really doesn’t want to do this. But he has made his choice. Tiberius will grab it with both hands and not let go. 

‘Are you joining us  _ princess? _ ’ Tiberius asks, looking at me.

‘No she is not.’ I hear Gloss grunt with the last bit of strength he can muster. 

I don’t hear another word before I turn around and run out of the door. My head feels like total chaos. Seeing Gloss so vulnerable messes with my head and I can’t seem to think straight. Once I am outside I feel the panic rising. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go knowing what is happening right now in the justice building? 

I need a safe space. A space that does not remind me of what is happening. That rules out my house, Tiberius and Helio still staining my bedroom with dark memories. But where else can I go? What options do I have without having to explain the state I am in? 

The lowering sun shines in my eyes and blinds me for a moment. That moment is all it takes for my ears to focus and hear the familiar sounds of clinging swords. The low grunts of the boys and girls of the district training to be part of my world. 

My safe space is right there. Not the swords and the smells of the training centre. Not the grunts and the sweats. But the strong arms of the man who has my heart. He is the only safe place I have right now. 

Without thinking I storm through the doors of the Academy. Some of the students stop to look at me but most don’t even notice my arrival. My eyes search for him, looking in the sword section first, his specialty.

He looks at me instantly as I see his eyes turn to worry. He must be able to read the panic on my face and before I know it he is right next to me. His hand slowly grabbing my upper arm, holding it lightly to steady me. I know he would have taken me in his arms if he had the chance but the Academy is a very public place. 

‘Cashmere, what is wrong?’ He asks me, his questioning eyes boring into mine. 

‘Can we talk somewhere?’ I manage before I feel silent tears roll down my cheeks. 

I need to talk to him. I need to hold him. I need him to tell me I am safe. That he will protect me and that Gloss will return unharmed. 

‘Yeah, come on.’ He answers slowly, dragging me towards a corridor I have never been before. It must be leading to some rooms that are off limits to students. When he opens one of the doors on the left we enter a small office with a desk and some chairs. It is littered with pictures of Neva, Jules and their parents. I recognize his dad from a picture he has on his nightstand. 

I realize this must be his office. His workspace when he is not training. I didn’t even realize he had one until now, but it kind of makes sense. The place is small and only has the bare necessities to call it an office. On the walls are lists with names and pictures. Lists of his current students and how they are performing are on one side of the room while another wall has the pictures and names of all of the district's Victors. It stings that my picture is up there and not anywhere else in the room but I also know that Jules has no choice. Putting up more pictures of me will get us unwanted attention. 

In the corner of the room I notice a third gathering of names and pictures and I immediately feel a lump in my throat when I recognize each and everyone of them. I see a picture of Benson, one of Royce. There is one for Mace and even Valour is represented. They are his tributes. The ones he coached personally, the ones that we lost. 

‘Love, what happened?’ He asks me slowly, still only touching my upper arm. 

‘I - He - ‘ I try to say but I don’t manage. 

I feel my breathing speed up. An uncomfortable tightness finds its way into my chest. My skin starts to tingle as I feel hands everywhere. Tiberius’s hands. Helio’s hands. Their fingernails digging a way into my hips. Using the roundness of my body to grab me and use me to hold me in place. 

My body trembles like a leaf while my eyes go blank. Staring in the distance. Staring at nothing. Trying to cope with the things I am feeling. Cashmere the Victor handles this. Not the real me. Not the vulnerable part of me who doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. 

‘Love, look at me.’ Jules tries but I don’t even see him. All I see is his glimmering eyes. The eyes of that monster that is now devouring my brother. Those eyes that make you want to kill yourself instantly and without thinking. That make you hurt so deep it can never be fixed. 

‘Cashmere! Tell me what you feel, please.’ Jules tries, and I want to try. I want to calm down, I want him to help me. 

‘Their hands, they are everywhere.’ I tell him. 

‘Okay, love, please, can you tell me five things you see? Five things you see here in this room?’ 

‘You,’ I manage before I find the courage to go on. ‘Desk, chair, floor, pictures.’ 

‘Good.’ He says smiling lightly. ‘Give me four things you hear.’ 

‘People, swords, water, birds.’ I say as I close my eyes to concentrate on them. 

‘Three things you touch.’ 

‘Your arm, the floor, the desk.’ I say while reaching out to touch it lightly. 

‘Two things you can smell.’ 

‘Sweat.’ I instantly say, which causes him to chuckle. ‘And the bakery.’ 

‘Good. And what do you taste?’ 

Taste? I don’t taste anything. I haven’t eaten since before I met Tiberius in the square. 

‘Try it Cash. What do you taste.’ 

For a moment I really focus on my mouth. The feeling of my tongue against my teeth, And I realize I do taste something. 

‘Spit.’ 

‘Good job love.’ He tells me, wrapping his arms around me, holding me close. 

It takes me a moment to realize I am calm again. That my breathing has slowed down to a normal level and my heart is no longer racing. 

‘What was that?’ I ask him. 

‘You had a panic attack. Neva used to have them after dad died and mom told me how to calm her down. It kind of works with you too, I guess.’ 

‘I guess.’ I reply, nestling my head deeper into his chest. 

‘So what happened today?’ Jules asks. 

‘Tiberius is here.’ 

‘Yeah, I noticed. He didn’t seem happy to see me.’ He says, chuckling lightly. 

‘He has nothing on you and he knows it.’ I reply, getting back some of the anger I felt before. 

Anger for what he said about Jules. Anger about the way he made Vic panic and cry. For the fact that he dared to hold Ruby with his filthy hands. 

‘Did you get them home?’ I ask, almost a whisper. 

‘Yeah, Vic was quite out of it. Caused quite a stir here. It is not every day that a child as young as him bursts into the Academy in tears. He was almost hysterical. Crying and shaking. He practically ran to me right through the middle of the hall ignoring all the fighting around him. It was a good thing he was loud or he might have gotten caught in some weapons training.’ 

‘I am sorry. I didn’t want him to interrupt your day but I had to get him out of harm's way.’ I tell him. 

‘Don’t be sorry. You didn’t have a choice.’ He replies, softly kissing the top of my head. ‘I could hardly understand him for five minutes before he managed to say anything else than ‘bad man’. When he mentioned your name I picked him up and ran out the door searching for you. You looked so strong when you told me not to worry. So incredibly strong. You walked up to him to protect them.’ 

‘I didn’t feel strong.’ I say, tears streaming down my cheeks again. 

‘I know, love. But Ruby and Vic needed you strong, so you were strong.’ 

I exhale deeply before I slowly nod my head.

‘So what did Rosie say when you brought them home?’ 

‘Well, Vic was still pretty out of it and Ruby was very quiet. Gloss was there when I got there and he started fidgeting the moment I told them Tiberius was in town. I thought he wasn’t allowed to visit you anymore?’

‘He isn’t. But it wasn’t about us. He is the person who takes care of all the victor’s and he needed my help with Finn.’ 

‘What is wrong with Finn?’ 

Jules has been aware of our little circle for a while now. I told him about Ena and Finn when Augustus joined our ranks. I told them that they are just as much family as my real family is. That they matter and that we take care of each other. 

‘He is breaking. He is taking more clients to protect Annie and he is not doing well. We tried to call him once we got back home but he wasn’t in Four. He has been working in the Capitol since the games. They dumped Annie somewhere because she is supposed to be unstable but Finn assures us she is not. That is why Gloss -’ I try before the words get stuck in my throat. 

Realizing what Gloss is doing right now makes me once again nauseous. He is going through hell right now and here I am crying about invisible hands that aren’t even there. Crying about something that happened in the past. It is not like Helio is here to torment me. It is not like I am bound to a bed accepting everything that monster throws at me. Gloss is. And I am crying.

‘Gloss is what?’ Jules asks me.

‘Don’t be mad.’ I whisper. 

‘Why would I be mad? What did he do?’ Jules asks me, more serious this time. 

‘He - ‘ I exhale once more. ‘He offered himself to Tiberius to get us to the Capitol. He is with him right now.’ 

Jules remains silent for a while. His beating heart is the only indication he is still with me. What is he thinking? Is he disappointed in me? In us? In the way we handled this? He must be dissapointed. Gloss offered himself up as bate and I let him. I didn’t even try to stop him, I just let him. I forced him into the hands of that monster and I didn’t even blink. 

Forcing him to do that isn’t right. I know he hates him. How could I let him do that? 

I am a monster. 

I am a monster for not stopping him. For hurting him more and more, over and over. 

Suddenly Jules’s arms around me feel like a trap. It feels like a safety I don’t deserve. 

And I start fighting. I start fighting with all the energy I have left in me. I scratch at his arms to get them to let me go. And he does. His eyes are big as I scoot away from him. Pressing myself in the corner of his little office. Just under the names of all the boys he lost. The boys we couldn’t save. 

‘Love?’ Jules asks, his eyes worried. 

‘Don’t.’ I tell him, holding my arms out in front of me to keep him away. ‘I don’t deserve you.’ 

‘Love, please. What is happening? Do you think I am mad? Because I am not. Not at you or at Gloss. I just hate myself for not being able to help you.’ 

‘Jules, I don’t get it. How can you love this?’ 

‘Love what?’ 

‘This. This monstrosity of a body that has been used and abused by half the Capitol.’ I shout at him. 

‘Cashmere, you are not a monstrosity. Far from it. I love you because you are you. I love the real you, not the person you pretend to be for everyone who doesn’t know you. This is not you.’ 

He tries. He does. But he doesn’t fool me. 

‘This is me though. This is the version of me that once walked the halls of this Academy with only one purpose.’ 

‘And you paid a very hefty price for that purpose. But we both know that she is not the real you.’ He tells me. 

‘What if she is? What if she is more me than I care to admit? You don’t want her. You want the girl I have to search for when I am home.’ I say, bawling my eyes out. 

‘Cashmere, don’t do this to yourself. You are scared. You are scared for Gloss. You are scared of what might be the next thing you have to do to protect someone you love. But don’t push me away. Don’t tell me I don’t deserve you. Let me decide what I want to do with my life and who I want to spend it with.’ 

‘No - I -’ I try. 

‘Cash, listen to me. They have scared you and hurt you more than you want to admit. You were doing fine for the last couple of years and one of them shows up and you're a blubbering mess that I hardly recognize. And I don’t blame you for that, I don’t. But it tells me just how much they really hurt you and it makes me angry. It makes me want to hurt them, to rip them apart and show them what they train us to do.’ 

‘I am a coward. I a a fucking coward and you know it.’ I shout at him. 

‘Why?’ 

‘Because I let him. I let him take Gloss, I didn’t even protest. I didn’t even try to change Tiberius´s mind. I just let him do it.’ 

For the first time in a while I truly hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the skin that covers my dirty bones and muscles. I need to get it off. I need to show him how ugly I really am. My too long nails scratch at my arms to get the skin to leave. My nails leave ugly red marks that immediately start stinging. The stinging feels good though. It feels like the pain that I deserve. 

‘Cashmere, you need to stop. Stop hurting yourself.’ He says while he slowly crosses the office grabbing my wrists to stop my movement. ‘Gloss will need you. He will need you when Tiberius is done with him and you know it.’ 

‘He doesn’t need me. No one needs me.’ I whisper, looking at his hands around my wrists. 

‘You know that is not true. You know it.’ He tells me. ‘O god, I hate what they are doing to you. I wish we could do more. I wish we could move on and get you free from all this bullshit.’ 

Oh what I would give to be able to move on. To be able to live a normal life without the world watching over my shoulder. To be able to be with Jules for real. No threats, no secrecy. Just us. 

‘We are doing everything we can. I want you to know that.’

We? 

‘Jules. Who are we?’ 

‘I- It’s not important.’ 

‘Jules, don’t lie to me. What are you talking about?’ 

I hear him sigh heavily and when I look into his eyes he deliberately looks away. He is hiding something. I know it. 

‘I might have joined a group that questions our government and its way of running this country.’ He whispers. 

‘You did what?’ I ask him through gritted teeth. ‘Are you crazy? Isn’t the danger you are in enough of a threat?’ 

One of his hands leaves my wrist and finds his way to his hair. He is getting uncomfortable and he doesn’t know what to say. 

‘The threats are kind of the reason I joined. I can’t sit back and wait for you to break down like this. I can’t wait around to see more of my pupils die or being turned into sex slaves. I can’t Cashmere. This is bigger than just you and me. This is injustice that I can’t live with. It is ridiculous that we still pay for what our forefathers did. It is ridiculous that I am in danger because I love someone. I have to fight back. I can’t sit still and wait for someone else to risk his life for me. Fibre asked me to join and I did.’ 

For a moment I don’t know what to say. He wants to fight for everything I want to fight for but I am still angry at him. I don’t want to lose him because he wants to fight for something that is hard to achieve. I don’t want to lose him for a lost cause. 

‘So Fibre is in this too?’ 

‘He is the one that got me into the group.’ 

‘Someone else I need to know about?’ I say, still feeling angry. 

‘Rosie, my mom. Among others.’ 

I feel a lump in my throat. Why are they doing this? Why are they taking on even more danger than they are already in? Why are Rosie and Fibre risking the lives of my niece and nephew? Why are they risking everything for a lost cause like me? 

‘I don’t get it. What are you even supposed to do? How are you fighting back? I - Why?’ I say, confusion all over. 

‘Because it is unfair, Cash. You, of all people, can tell me just about how much injustice we know in this country. It might be easier to live here in One than it might be in Eleven or Twelve but there is still so much wrong in this country. It is wrong that a couple of people who are lucky to be born in the Capitol can determine the course of our life. They make your choices for you. They make the kids at the Academy so brainwashed that they don’t see the abomination that is the Games. You know just as well as me that the Games aren’t glorious. They are ugly and cruel.’ 

‘I know it is unfair. It is my life. But it is not like we can change anything about it.’ 

For the first time Jules really looks me in the eye. His hand softly cups my cheek as he stares deeply into my eyes. 

‘But what if we can? What if we unite as a nation and fight back against the oppression of the Capitol. They asked me to join to train them. To make our men and women physically fit to battle the Capitol. We can do this, Cash. We are gathering the numbers in every single District. United we can fight them. It takes time but we will get there. Trust me. Please’

The hopeful look in his eyes is almost contagious. I want to believe him. I really do. But I know the Capitol and the people who reside there better than I want to. They will not be so easily overthrown. This can only become a fight with many innocent people lost. And probably many innocent people that are very dear to me. 


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Tiberius's visit.

It started raining a few hours ago and I have been staring out of the windows for a while. Being surrounded by Gloss’ things makes me even more aware of his absence. It has been hours since I left him in the justice building and the waiting is killing me. I went straight to his house to make sure I could help him when he returned. But so far he hasn’t. 

I deliberately put on every light in the rooms in the front of his house. Making sure he knows I am waiting for him at his place. I thought about it. Waiting for him at my place. But I could not stomach being there alone with the memories of that hallway, where Jones and Helio both grabbed me, and that bedroom, that is still stained by Helio and Tiberius, looming over me. Gloss’ house has staining memories of its own, but most of them involve him and not me. 

The hard surface of the windowsill I have been sitting on for hours hurts my ass but I am not moving. I want to see him as soon as I can. I want to catch him before he falls. I want to tell him I love him and how sorry I am. I want to tell him everything he needs to hear to not want to jump out of his skin. 

It takes me a moment to realize what I am seeing when I see two huddled figures making their way through the rain. One is supporting the other, letting him lean on his shoulder to accommodate the injuries. The other is limping badly. 

I don’t even care about the rain when I rush out the door towards them. Both of them are drenched from head to toe. Gloss is barely keeping himself standing, his eyes almost closed while his teeth are gritted in pain. The second man surprises me somewhat. I expected it to be either Jules or Fibre but it is not. 

‘Let's get him inside.’ I tell Silver, placing my shoulder on the other side of Gloss so he can grab it. ‘I am right here Gloss. Lean on me.’ 

We struggle to get him up the stairs and into the house. His legs aren’t working as they should and him being quite out of it doesn’t help. We get him settled on the couch and I hold his hand as I instruct Silver to get him a pillow and a blanket from his bedroom. 

While I sit on the ground next to him I stare at his face. His forehead is littered with wrinkles from the pain he feels while the rest of his body is in a weird mix between tense and numb. It is like his muscles want to stay tense to protect him but do not have the means to do so. 

My fingers slowly brush the outside of his hand to let him know I am there but not overstep his boundaries. He is probably still feeling him and I don’t want to make it worse. 

‘I am right here Gloss. You’re safe. I am here and I am not going anywhere as long as you need me.’ I whisper, placing a soft kiss on his hand. 

I notice the red marks around his wrists right away but I don’t want to ask him about it. We both know what Tiberius is capable of. He gets off on pain, he gets off on power. Tying him up is more a certainty with Tiberius than it is a surprise. 

A shudder runs through his body at my words and within seconds he starts sobbing. He wails loudly as the tears stream down his face. His body starts shaking as he tries to make himself as small as possible. Tucking his knees to his chest and grabbing them with his free hand. He is so lost. So broken. 

‘Do you want me to hold you?’ I ask softly, in an attempt to comfort him. 

He nods in response. Still not saying a word. 

I carefully get up and scoop myself next to him on the couch. I place the pillow that Silver hands me in my lap before Gloss snuggles his head in it. He is exhausted above all else and while I trace my fingers through his hair he falls asleep. His body still tense, his forehead still wrinkled. 

‘I found him on the steps of the justice building.’ Silver softly says his eyes big. ‘I thought he was drunk at first but then I saw his wrists and I knew it was something else. He hasn’t said a word to me on the way back here.’ 

‘He isn't drunk. He probably wishes he was, but he isn’t. He is in a lot of pain though.’ I tell him. 

His eyes show a look of devastation. Silver doesn’t know more than that we are not allowed a relationship and that we take a lot of trips to the Capitol. But he has just seen a part of our life that is probably confusing him. Why would a victor get hurt in the middle of the day in his own district? Why would someone try to hurt him at all? 

Silver isn’t stupid. He might be the smartest of all of us, but he is an einzelganger. He loves being alone and concerning himself only with the things he needs to know. I don’t blame him. If I could I would have wanted to know as little as possible about this world. But I don’t have that luxury. 

‘What happened?’ He whispers. 

How am I going to explain this to him. How am I going to tell him what Gloss did today? How am I going to explain to him that he has been doing this for almost seven years now? Seven years without most people knowing anything about it. 

‘He did what he had to do.’ I say, keeping it faque. Not spilling secrets I try to keep hidden. 

Silver sighs heavily before he looks at me again. 

‘And what did he have to do?’ He whispers. 

I remain silent. It is not my job to tell Gloss’s story. I wouldn’t want him to tell mine so why would I tell his? He gets to decide who knows, not me. 

‘Come on Cashmere. I am not stupid. What happened? He acts like he has been beaten but his face shows no bruises. All I can see are the marks around his wrists which tell me he has been tied up. He doesn’t talk. He limps and you know exactly what happened because you waited for him at his house. So you can either tell me right now what I need to know or I will start guessing and I don’t know if you will like that.’ 

There it was. The Grimes fire. A fire that was burning in all of us. The fire that helped Gloss and me survive our games, The fire that made Fibre join his little group. I hadn’t seen the fire that often in Silver but I knew it was there. 

‘Are you sure you want to know?’ I asked him, trying to stall one last time. 

‘Cashmere.’ Silver says in a tone that frightens me a little. 

‘Okay. Just give me a moment.’ I say, before I take a deep breath. Where do I begin?

‘Okay. So before you can understand what happened today you need to know a little bit more about the life of a victor.’ I say. 

Silver nods his head to indicate he is listening. 

‘When a victor is considered desirable they are sold as prostitutes by Snow. They spend a lot of time in the Capitol working their asses off by spreading their legs. If they don't, the life of friends and family members are on the line. It is a hard life and takes a toll on the mental state of the victor. Especially when they are alone and have no one to talk to. Finnick is in the Capitol right now and he needed protection before he did something stupid and lost someone he loved. So Gloss offered himself up to a Capitol official who is here right now so we can get to him.’ I say, trying to use a third person view to keep my emotions in check. 

It remains silent for a while before Silver answers. 

‘You are both desirable.’ Silver states at which I nod my head. 

‘Yes, we are. As are Finnick, Enobaria and Augustus.’ 

‘Fuck.’ Silver mutters before he stands up punching the wall with his fist. 

Silver isn’t violent. He never was. He spend his time at the Academy because he has the same build as the rest of my brothers. He showed potential in the physical department but he was too smart to believe the bullshit they fed you about the Capitol. Seeing him punch a wall tells me he is really frustrated. 

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ He asks, after he has calmed down a bit. 

‘Would it have made a difference? We keep it a secret to keep everybody safe.’ I tell him. ‘Silver, mom and dad don’t even know about this. It is better this way.’ 

‘Who does know?’ He asks. 

‘Rosie and Fibre. Rosie walked into my house after one of them just left. And Jules knows, for obvious reasons.’ 

‘They do this to you at home?’ He asks. 

‘They used to. Not anymore though. Tiberius wasn’t even supposed to be here for him. He came to talk to me. He came to tell me to keep Finnick in line before he needed to kill someone.’ 

Silver sighs heavily while he walks around the living room. I still stroke Gloss’s hair absentmindedly. He is sleeping and his muscles are starting to relax and I want him to stay that way. He needs the rest. 

‘So, what happened? He raped him? He raped him in the justice building?’ 

‘Probably. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was a whole lot more than just that.’ I whisper. 

Silver stares at me, his eyes as wide as they can go. His Adam's apple bobs a couple of times before he finds the courage to speak again. 

‘Do I want to know?’ He asks me. 

I look at him while I slowly shake my head. 

‘I have been there more than once to see it and even more times to see the results of it. Trust me, you don’t want to know the sick and perverted minds some people have.’ I tell him. 

The frustration in his body is clearly visible. His hands are fidgeting and he doesn’t seem to be able to sit still. 

‘How do you guys live with this? How do you do this?’ He asks. 

‘It is not like we have a choice, Silver. They threaten everyone. Mom and Dad. Lux and Mia. Fibre and Rosie. The babies. Jules and Neva. No one is safe, so we do what we have to before someone gets hurt.’ 

‘And Fibre knows about all of this?’ He asks, not quite believing me yet. 

‘Yeah. Fibre and Rosie have known for years. But they keep their mouths shut for obvious reasons.’ 

‘How does he live with this?’ He asks. 

‘Well, maybe you should ask him about that and not me. I am trying very hard to keep everyone from dying so don’t ask me how you should handle all of this.’ I tell him, more agitated than I planned. 

‘I am sorry.’ He whispers. 

‘It’s fine.’ I say, already forgiving him for it. 

We stay silent for a while as Gloss moves in his now restless sleep. His body shakes on and off and sweat drips down his forehead. Whatever it was Tiberius did to him, it is haunting him in his sleep. I keep stroking his forehead in an attempt to calm him down again. It only works a little bit but not enough to get him to relax. 

The sudden sound of the door opening startles both Silver and me. 

‘Gloss?’ I hear a familiar voice say just before Augustus storms into the living room soaking wet. His eyes grow big as he sees the display in front of him. He has never met Silver and he is probably worried about the state that Gloss is in. 

‘What happened?’ He asks, rushing towards us and falling to his knees beside the couch. Completely ignoring Silver. 

‘Tiberius.’ I simply say, without an explanation. 

‘Yeah, what the heck is he doing here? He came over to my house to tell me we have a train to catch tomorrow. I thought he wasn’t his patron anymore. I thought he wasn’t allowed to come here.’ 

Augustus hadn’t been a part of our group long when Helio and Tiberius lost their patronage but he had been around long enough to know that what they did was pure torture. 

‘He isn’t allowed to visit us as a client. He is only allowed to visit us for normal victor business.’ 

‘So why was he here?’ Gus asks me, his eyes focused on his mentor. 

‘Finnick is breaking. He has been in the Capitol with Annie since the games and the only way to save him is to get there as fast as we can. Gloss offered himself to Tiberius to get us there.’ I tell him, his eyes focussing on me as the words sink in. 

‘You mean he -’ He starts before I nod at him to make him stop. 

‘Shit. Is he injured?’ Gus asks. 

‘I don’t know. Silver brought him home and he crashed on the couch before I got a chance to look at him. His wrists are marked and he has a limp but that is all I could see for now.’ I tell him. 

Augustus looks back at my other brother at the mention of Silver’s name but doesn’t introduce himself to him further. 

‘We should check. You know we should check. If he has anything we need to get him in a bath before it gets worse.’ Gus says looking at me intently. 

And I know we have to. The boys get injured a lot. If their clients don’t use enough lube they get rips inside of their anal cavity which can cause infection and sickness. If Tiberius wasn’t planning on spending time with him he may not have had the right stuff with him to make it even bearable for Gloss. He had a limp before he came here which could mean either a very painful experience or something painful still inside of him. 

‘We need to get him into a bath. Check if he is bleeding or if he has bled. That is a pretty good indication if we need to worry about if he is just tired or injured on the outside or if there is more.’ 

While I nod at Gus I can see Silver getting up, I don’t even ask to help him get Gloss up, he heard our conversation and is offering. 

‘Let me wake him first.’ I tell them. 

I place a soft kiss against his temple as my hands shake his shoulders lightly. 

‘Gloss, wake up  _ big guy. _ ’ I tell him before his eyes flash open. 

He instinctively moves his muscles which make him groan in pain. A worried look washes over Gus’s face as he looks at his mentor. 

‘Hey sport.’ He says, looking at Gloss intently. ‘We need to check if you are okay. Do you know if you bled?’ 

Gus says it like it is no big deal. Like it is a normal conversation they are having when I realize it probably is. They must have had this conversation before, probably the other way around with Gloss asking the questions. 

‘I don’t think so. But he didn’t use a lot of lube so he might have ripped me. I don’t know.’ He mutters, the pain evident in his voice. 

‘Okay. Do you mind if we get you upstairs and check?’ He asks, making sure he has Gloss’s permission. 

Gloss only nods his head only noticing Silver when he feels a second pair of hands on his arm to help him up. 

‘Silver, what are you doing here?’ Gloss asks, the embarrassment coating his voice. 

‘I found you, brought you home and now I am making sure you are okay.’ He answers while he helps Augustus to get Gloss up the stairs to his bathroom. 

‘I am about to get naked and they are going to look at my asshole and whatever else that bastard left on my body. Are you sure you want to see that?’ He asks Silver between grunts. 

‘I have seen you naked before, brother. We took baths before when you were little and I am sure it is something I have seen before.’ Silver stubbornly answers. 

‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’ Gloss says before they lower him on the closed lit of the toilet. 

Gus moves his hands to the hem of Gloss’s shirt but he doesn’t move immediately. 

‘Can I take it off?’ He asks to which Gloss nods his head. 

When Gus removes Gloss´s shirt I hold my breath. What will we see underneath? What horrors does the fabric hide?

His chest is littered with bruises. Almost all of them created by the suction of a mouth. They trail from his collarbone towards the buckle of his belt. Leaving a trace of forced intimacy that is hard to label as consensual. 

‘No whip marks?’ I joke to lighten the mood a little. 

‘Yeah, figures. He probably wasn’t carrying a whip this time.’ Gloss tells me, a little glimmer in his eyes to answer my joke. 

Silver looks at me in disgust. 

‘What?’ I ask him. ‘You should have seen him the last time Tiberius was here in One. Compared to how he looked then this looks like a walk in the park.’ 

His own hands find their way to his belt and as if he doesn’t have any shame he lowers his pants and underwear in one go. 

The bruises trail beyond his hips into the skin around his crotch. His penis looks black and blue and I hear Silver hiss in pain. His body must be screaming at him. 

‘Jesus. What did he try to do, eat you?’ Gus asks. 

‘Looks like it.’ Gloss replies. His eyes studying his underwear. ‘But on the positive side. I only bled a little and it stopped long ago.’ 

‘Good.’ Gus answers. ‘Now get your ass in the bath before I have to duck your head under it.’ 

Silver looks at them like he has just experienced the worst conversation of his life but I am happy. Gloss is able to joke again. He is able to laugh about our silly excuse of life. He is able to appreciate the worry Gus has for him and his well being. He is able to breath again. 

When Gloss is in the bath we both keep watch. Silver excuses himself telling us he has someone who is waiting for him and he needs to clear his head. Both of us are surprised he has someone we didn’t know about but we also know this is not the time to talk about it. 

While Gus sits down on the toilet seat and I take place on the edge of the bathtub. Gloss slowly starts to open up. Talking about all the things Tiberius made him do. How he tied him up and slapped and sucked his penis until he couldn’t see straight. After that he fucked him raw, not caring about the screaming man underneath him. His eyes are glassy when he tells us about it. Like it is something that hasn’t happened to him. Something he was just a bystander in. Watching but not seeing what was really happening. 

He tells us he eventually agreed to let us go to the Capitol. The train scheduled for the following morning. He tells us that Ena will be picked up as well, getting the whole pack together. I can see the happiness settle in Gloss when he talks about Enobaria. She is special to him. They never talk about it but I can sense it in the both of them. 

I might be able to calm him down and care for him, but I will never be able to give him peace like Ena can. Just like he can’t give me the same feeling of safety as Jules can. He once could, but that was before Jules came around. 

‘You love her, don’t you?’ I ask him silently, looking him in the eyes. 

It takes him a moment to really hear what I am asking before he looks back at me slowly nodding his head. 

I can’t help but smile and he smiles with me. 

‘It’s okay.’ I tell him. ‘It is beyond scary but it will be okay.’ 

‘We can never be together.’ Gloss sighs. ‘We aren’t even able to have what you and Jules have. We don’t have the luxury to hide away in the outskirts of a district. We don’t even have the luxury to tell each other what we truly feel because they are always listening.’ 

‘But you know what you feel for each other. You know it and she knows it. Do you think I haven’t noticed the way you are when you are together?’ 

He shrugs his shoulders at me looking away while his hands play with the water in the tub, Gus is laughing beside me, looking at our awkward conversation. 

‘I still remember something you once said to me.’ I tell him. 

‘Which is?´ 

‘Find a way to make it work.’ I reply. 

His smile turns really wide before his hands move fast to splash me with the bathwater. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got stuck for a little while but found some new ideas. I have planned out the next couple of chapters just need to write them down. :D


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finnick isn't doing well.

The victor’s floor is silent when we arrive. The lights in every single apartment are off, including those in Finnick’s. Augustus quickly leaves for his own to put his stuff in there but promises to come to ours as soon as he is done. Gloss is still limping a little bit but the bath has done a world of good. 

He has been silent since we left One. Tiberius was there when we boarded the train, boarding it with us in fact. Tiberius was awfully distant during the whole thing. Keeping up appearances that he isn’t allowed to touch Gloss. All of us knowing better.

I said goodbye to Jules briefly that morning. Catching him on his way to work and dragging him into an alley to be able to kiss goodbye. The talk we had about his supposed rebellion still fresh in my memory. We hugged and kissed and he told me to keep my head up high and not let it destroy me. In return I told him to be careful. To look out for Neva and his mom, to help Fibre with the kids because Rosie wasn’t feeling well. 

Letting go of him is always hard. Feeling his warm touch leave my skin knowing that every touch I would get in the next couple of weeks would be hostile and cold despite the intentions of some of my clients. 

The goodbye between Jules and Gloss was extremely awkward. Gloss knew I had told Jules about what happened and Jules knew about what Gloss had done the day before. The look on Jules’s face told me that he didn’t know what to say about it. If he should keep his mouth shut or if he should apologize for something he didn’t do. So they said goodbye without saying a word to each other. 

When we arrive at our own door and open it I immediately notice the huddled figure on the couch. His knees are tucked against his chest and his chin is resting on top of them. It looks like he is staring at nothing, as if the light in his eyes has gone out. 

‘Finn?’ I softly ask, but he doesn’t even react to my voice. 

Gloss wants to run over to him but my hand stops him. We need to approach him with caution. 

I walk over to him and slowly settle myself on the couch beside him. His cheeks are stained with tears and his body is shaking, but his eyes don’t move. It is like he is not even aware I am beside him. 

‘Finn?  _ Seaweed?  _ You’re alright. We’re here. Augustus, Gloss and me are here and Ena is coming too. You’re not alone.’ I tell him as I reach out my hand for him to grab. He doesn’t take it but my words have done something. His eyes flicker around the room, taking in Gloss and now Gus, who are standing at the entrance, before his eyes wash over me. 

His sea green eyes show a sadness and despair I have never seen before. I feel an instant lump in my throat. They have broken my best friend. They have taken away chunks of him and crushed them until they didn’t fit together anymore. His defiance is broken. 

As he stares at me I can see the tears form in his eyes. Big tears stream out of his tear ducts making their way down his cheeks. It doesn’t take long for him to bury his face in his knees unable to look at me. 

‘Oh Finn. Come here.’ I say, holding my arms open for him. 

I see his body lose its composure as it falls into my open arms. His sobs filling the air around us. I gently stroke his back while he cries. 

‘You’re safe now. We will not hurt you.’ I whisper in his ear as Augustus and Gloss settle down on the couch. Gloss has tears in his eyes. Tears of desperation and anger about how far they have pushed Finnick. But also a feeling of acceptance. What he did yesterday was worth it. It was worth it to save Finnick from getting even worse. 

It takes Finnick more than an hour to talk to us. Everytime he tries the words get stuck in his throat. He has been on edge for weeks. Working multiple clients a day every single day of the week without rest. The day before they had filmed him, again, this time on the receiving end of the action. They forced him to lay with multiple men who had similar desires as Tiberius used to practice. I saw Gloss visibly shiver at the notion of Tiberius and the torture those men had inflicted on Finnick. 

He lays in my lap during our conversation, hugging my legs like it is the only thing that will keep him steady. Not long after an avox appears with four red envelopes. One for each of us which means we have to get Finn up and functioning rather sooner than later. Sending him to another client should be the last thing he needs to do but all of us know he doesn’t really have a choice in the matter. Especially not since he offered himself up to save Annie. 

The arrival of the envelopes, however, snaps him out of his mood rather quickly. It is like the real Finnick is gone and the made up egocentric version of him takes over. The version that is so full of himself that he flirts his way through life. Sending kisses and winks to everyone who wishes to receive one. It is daunting and disturbing to see it happening in front of my eyes. 

The real Finnick is nothing like what I see now. Nothing like the boy who wipes his tears and fixes his hair. Nothing like the boy who excuses himself to go to his own apartment to dress himself for the occasion. It is hard to realize that Finnick has been dealing with his two personas for months now. Switching between them is a second nature. It is like raising and lowering your shield. Once it’s up you are protected. Once it’s lowered you're vulnerable. 

‘This isn’t good.’ Gloss mutters as he watches Finnick walk away. 

‘He is even worse than I thought.’ I whisper back. 

‘Cash, this is not him. That cocky guy that just walked away is not him.’ Gloss says, the anger evident in his voice. 

‘I know, okay. I know. I knew him before this shit started, this guy is very far from what he really is. But the real him is a stuttering and blabbering mess right now who can’t even function. He doesn’t have a choice but use this alter ego that we almost never see to save his own ass. You and I both know that.’ I hiss at my brother. 

The frustration is showing in every fibre of Gloss’s being. He grunts heavily when he pushes himself away from the couch. Pacing the room back and forth. 

‘He is losing himself Cash. He is losing the real Finnick. We can’t let that happen.’ 

‘And you think I don’t know that? I can see it too, Gloss. But there is absolutely nothing we can do. We have nothing to offer. Absolutely nothing. The only thing we can do is be there for him when he needs us.’ 

‘There must be something we can do.’ He desperately tries.

‘No, there isn’t. He sold his soul to him in order to save Annie. We can’t do anything for him but be here. If we try he might hurt her.’ I tell him. 

‘I don’t care about Annie. Finnick is slowly killing himself!’ Gloss shouts before he realizes what he just said. 

‘Gloss, you don’t mean that. She is a victor, she is one of us, and Finnick cares about her. Letting her fall will hurt him even more.’ 

Gloss still paces the room while Gus stares at him from the couch, not saying a word. 

‘I know she is one of us. But she is the reason Finnick is losing himself. It makes it kind of hard to like her.’ Gloss says. 

‘Of course it is hard to like her. We haven’t met her. But if she is as important to Finnick as he claims she is, we have to give her a chance.’ 

The anger is still very visible in Gloss’s body. His fists are balled tightly and his never ending pacing makes me nervous. He doesn’t quite know what to do with himself and it shows in every fibre of his being. 

‘What would you do if it wasn’t Annie but Ena who needed saving?’ I ask him, knowing full well that Ena was an independent woman who would never let anyone save her. ‘Wouldn’t you give up everything you had to make sure she is okay?’ 

I see his shoulders relax as he lets out a big sigh. His pacing stops while he remains standing with his back towards me. I know I have hit a nerve. He probably hadn’t thought about the fact that Annie was special to Finnick. Finnick might not understand in his own way how special, but he cares for her. 

‘We have to give her a chance, Gloss. She didn’t choose to end up in the games just like you didn’t. We can not blame her for something she had no say in.’ 

When he turns around I see the devastation still on his face. 

‘What do we do about Finnick?’ 

‘The only thing we can do. Be there for him when he needs us.’ I answer. 

* * *

Enobaria arrives the next day, completely oblivious to what has been going on. When we explain to her what happened her mood instantly turns to anger. Anger towards Snow. Anger towards Tiberius. Gloss almost doesn’t tell her about what he had to do until I tell him that she should know. She should know how desperate the situation was. How defeated Finnick sounded on the phone and how close he was to losing his shit. 

Finnick seems to light up a bit with us there. He has taken up the awful habit of drugging himself before he goes to work but it seems to be the only way he is able to function. He works ridiculous hours and is hardly ever home. The moments he is on the floor he is somewhat functioning, a lot of his made up persona still present. The real Finnick almost never shows. The only thing that makes some of the real him shine through is when he talks about Annie. About how he wants all of us to meet her and how wonderful she is. 

Visiting Annie is a reward FInnick gets for good behavior. He tells us that he gets a morning once every week to visit her until he is allowed to take her home to Four. The mornings are always on the line which is why he always follows orders and almost never misbehaves on purpose. We all see that it is killing him. He will not survive much longer if he keeps living like this. 

When the next visit to Annie appears in a red envelope he asks me to go with him. He desperately wants me to meet her and he thinks it is a good thing for her to know more victor’s than just Mags and him. I agree to go with him without hesitation. 

The mental hospital is a big and odd looking building. Looking more like an office building than a place where actual people are being treated for supposed mental illnesses. The inside is just as cold as the outside. The white tiles on the floor are almost sterile while the corridors look long and depressing. If you didn’t have a mental illness going in you could surely develop one while there. 

The lady at the front desks welcomes Finnick like he is an old friend while he smiles his Capitol smile. His flirtatious attitude makes me nauseous but I know it is the only way he can keep up his walls in this harsh world. 

Annie is on the fifth floor on a ward that is labelled with ‘mentally unstable.’ Finnick told me that Snow thought she was unstable but that Finnick doubts that diagnosis. He is convinced she is suffering from the trauma from the games. He told me she is having nightmares and loses herself in her own world sometimes. Rocking back and forth for a while before she can breathe normally again. 

When he opens the door to her room she is sitting at a desk near the window. Her long flowing hair cascading over her shoulders and back, the sun giving it an auburn tint. She looks peaceful, not at all disturbed. 

‘Annie?’ Finnick softly asks, the real him showing immediately. 

When she turns around at the sound of her name both their eyes light up. Finnick’s face lights up like I have seen it do when he was younger and not so troubled. All the years of torture falling of his body in moments. 

‘Finn!’ Annie almost screams while she jumps up from her chair and runs into his arms, pressing her face into his chest. One hand immediately cups the back of her head while his other scoops around her back. He presses his nose into her hair and sniffs loudly as if her scent can wash away all his pain. 

‘Oh baby, I’ve missed you.’ Finnick whispers into her neck, tears in his eyes. 

‘I know Finn. You’re safe now.’ She tells him, his shoulders instantly relaxing before they start to shake to give room for his heart wrenching sobs. Annie slowly strokes his back while she whispers into his ear that he is safe. That he can’t be hurt right now. 

The realisation hits me right away. This is way more than just caring. This is like Ena and Gloss. Like Rosie and Fibre and like Jules and me. This is dangerous but also the only thing that is keeping Finnick alive right now. 

I give them space. Let them hold each other as long as they need without interrupting them. It takes them almost ten minutes to let go of each other. Only then I am able to see Annie for the first time for real. Seeing every part of her. 

She is beautiful. Her long locks match perfectly with her sea green eyes. Her skin is flawless and there is no sign of a wrong bone in her body. She looks well fed and calm. Not at all how I expected her to be in this place. 

‘Annie, I want to introduce you to Cashmere. She mentored me in ways I will never be able to thank her for.’ He says while his eyes stand grateful. 

I almost choke up when I see the real Finnick in front of me. The boy I cared for like a little brother from the moment Mags introduced us. 

‘Hi.’ I say while I reach out my hand for her to shake. 

‘Thank you for taking care of him.’ She replies when she returns the gesture. 

‘He is part of the family. And we protect our family.’ I tell her, at which she nods her head. 

Finnick grabs her hand as he leads her down to the couch in the corner of the room. The room is not as cold as the corridors but to call it cosy seems too much. The colors they used in the room almost look like the decoration on the Fourth floor of the tribute centre. Making me think that the room was decorated with Annie in mind. 

‘So how are you doing?’ I ask her once we settle down. Finnick still clutching her hand. 

‘I am fine really. The flashbacks have become less and less. I haven’t had one in days. I still have the nightmares but Finnick told me that was pretty normal. That he has them too.’ 

‘Yeah. Nightmares are kind of common once you become a victor. I still have them a couple of times a week.’ I reply. 

‘They keep giving me this medication that makes me all fuzzy and dizzy so I stopped taking them. They think they finally have the right combination of drugs but they don’t know that I am not taking them at all. I feel a lot more stable than I did.’ Annie says. 

The girl in front of me doesn’t look unstable at all. When Finn told me she was in a mental hospital I thought she would be a stumbling mess, but she isn’t. She is peaceful and kind and lovely. 

‘So, what did they diagnose you with?’ I ask her. 

‘Well, I am treated by some psychiatrists that Snow selected himself and they all say I am having bipolar disorder. Hence all the meds to keep me happy. There is one doctor that diagnosed me with severe PTSD. But he has not been able to convince any of them it is the truth though my symptoms are more likely PTSD than bipolar. Whenever that doctor is on duty we talk about the flashbacks and the things I feel and that actually makes me feel better. While the other doctors just give me my meds and tell me there is nothing they can do.’ 

‘Did he tell you to stop taking your meds?’ I ask her. 

‘He suggested it.’ Annie says while nodding her head.

They look so peaceful. Finnick on the couch while Annie is huddled under his arm. Leaning her body into his while she holds his other hand in his lap. For the first time in days I see Finnick really relax. His eyes are focused on her, looking at her with total admiration. 

I get why seeing her broken after her first client was unbearable for him. Why he made the decision he made. Even when that decision is killing him from the inside. Annie is like the drugs he takes. She calms him down, makes him breathe. Her presence makes the fake Finnick melt like snow in the sun. 

‘Finn, love. Can you get us something to drink?’ Annie suddenly asks at which he nods his head and gets up. I see her follow him with his eyes. Waiting to speak again till he leaves the room. 

‘He is not doing well, is he?’ Annie asks me silently, a wave of sadness washing over her. 

‘No, he is drowning but he doesn’t want to admit it.’ I tell her. 

‘I am so worried about him. I know why he did what he did. I was unstable just after the games. I had multiple flashbacks a day and getting raped on top it didn’t help. But I hate to see him like this. He cries everytime I see him. Everytime he gets more fragile and thin and I don’t know what to do.’ She tells me, tears in her eyes. 

‘Tiberius came to one to tell me I needed to mentor him because he was failing his duties. When we talked to him on the phone he sounded so depressed we did everything we could think of to get ourselves to the Capitol. When we got here he was a mess. He is not doing well and the only thing that can save him is to go home. Have they told you when you can leave here?’ I reply. 

‘It is supposed to be Finnick’s last week starting tomorrow. So hopefully we will be able to leave after that. I really want to see the sea again. I hope we can have some peace at home. Although it will be hard to stay away from him.’ 

‘Stay away?’ I ask her, confused. 

‘Tiberius visited me here a week ago. He told me that Finnick has to remain available. We are not allowed a relationship or something that can look like it from the outside. He told me that I will be risking my fathers life if I try to pursue him anyway. Finnick can’t be in a relationship.’ She says, making my stomach drop. 

Tiberius might have been less than accommodating to Jules but they never outright forbid me to see him. They had always kept a close eye on us and I had kept him in the dark for the most part but this treatment was harsh. Living next to each other but not being allowed to act upon the things they are both feeling is nearly impossible. 

Is that the treatment all Victor's who fell in love with other Victor's get? Do they know about Gloss and Ena? Or are they easier to manage because they do not come from the same District? Their meetups are already monitored to the nanosecond. They hardly get a chance to talk to each other and tell each other how they truly feel. 

Maybe Jules and I aren’t all that unlucky. Yes, Jules is a target but as long as he stays calm and doesn’t do anything stupid they leave him alone. He has to hold himself back all the time when I have to tell him another trip to the Capitol is coming up. But he also knows that me doing my job is the only reason we are allowed to be together. 

It has to be possible though. It has to be possible for them to be together. 

‘That still doesn’t make it impossible to be together.’ I whisper, afraid someone might overhear. 

‘What do you mean?’ Annie whispers back, immediately catching my caution. Finnick must have told her about the bugs that litter the Capitol. 

‘I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost three years now. He is not a victor but we got our warnings nonetheless. They always said they were watching us. That he would be stealing the President’s property if we decided to be intimate. But as long as he behaves and our relationship doesn’t impact my work they leave him alone.’ I tell her, hope visible in her eyes. 

‘Now I know your situation is different. You are a victor, he is one and a very popular one around here. But don’t say it is impossible before you’ve tried. Finnick needs you. You will always have to share him with the Capitol but he will need you to come home to. He will need you waiting for him in Four. Waiting for him with open arms and whatever he needs. Snow can be harsh but as long as you help his favorite victor to keep floating he will think twice about killing either one of you or your family.’ 

‘I hope you are right.’ Annie reluctantly says, not quite believing me. 

‘Annie, look at me.’ I tell her, coaxing her to fix her attention on me, grabbing her hand in the proces. ‘You have to believe you two can be together in whatever form may fit you both. If you don’t this will only get worse and he will only get more miserable. He is working his ass off and drugging himself to keep going. They do horrible things to him and I hardly see the real Finnick anymore. He only shows his Capitol persona except when he is with you. He needs to know there is a place he can feel safe. He needs to keep a hold of himself otherwise he will lose who he really is. Don’t let that happen to him.’ 

It takes her a while to nod her head at me. If we want to keep Finnick alive we need her help. 

It almost feels strange to talk to the one in the mental hospital about saving the one who isn’t. Out of the two of them Finnick is definitely the one who is the most unstable. Out of the two of them Finnick is definitely the one to worry about. 

  
  
  
  



	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cashmere gets an explanation she desparatly needs.

It really was Finnick’s last week in the Capitol. Not long after meeting Annie he got word she was ready to go home with him the following weekend. He immediately started crying as soon as he heard, thanking Tiberius over and over for taking care of her. The next few days nothing could break him. When he was at home he smiled widely, telling us all about how he was longing for the sea and his parents. Longing for the peace that District Four could give him. 

Our return home was planned for a week after Finnick’s. The worry about our fellow victor still sky high but he assured me he would call me from home and I kind of put my trust in Annie and Mags to keep him safe. Mags had done nothing but that for the last five years and Annie had made it her life goal to pay him back for getting her out of Snow’s prostitution ring. 

Our return home came with its own worries. I didn’t have time to talk to Jules about the things he had said about his little rebellion and the longer I thought about that the more pissed I became. I spread my legs to keep him and his family safe and here he was taking unnecessary risks to try and save the world. Why was I killing myself from the inside if he wanted to ruin everything anyway? 

Some of the same feelings were pooling in me towards Fibre and Rosie. Fibre had even been responsible for Jules joining in and they were both risking their children to fight for this impossible dream. How could they do that? How could they risk everything they had, which I would never be able to get, to fight for something that seems so far fetched. Maybe they need a wake up call. Someone to tell them what the Capital is really like. 

My anger only builds. And the closer we get to One, the more anger I feel towards what is supposed to be my boyfriend. How could he do this to me? How could he risk the punishments I was trying so hard to avoid?

For the first time in years I decide to not wait for him at the Academy the day we return. Instead I go home. I go home and use my anger to clean every inch of my house. I try to wipe away every stain that might be there. It helps me take care of my anger. It helps me take care of the pain and helplessness I feel for not being able to help Finnick. 

It takes Jules three days to figure out I am home. I see him a couple of times talking to the peacekeepers at the gate to the village but I never go outside to let him in. Without me he is still not allowed inside. 

A week later Rosie invites me over for dinner. I reluctantly agree but only because I want to see Vic and Ruby. Rosie’s belly is growing steadily. The new baby will be born in three months while Mia just had her second daughter a few days ago. They called the little girl Sapph and are once again over the moon with their new mouth to feed. 

I still haven’t been to see them. My mood swings too vivid to trust myself with a newborn. 

When Rosie opens the door for me I instantly see him. His flowy locks still mesmerize me everytime I see him but I also feel a tiny hinch of betrayal. If I had wanted to see him I would have gone to him. I would have eventually but I had to make up my mind before I would do or say something stupid. 

‘Rosie, I hate you.’ I blurt out before I step inside. 

‘No you don’t. You just don’t like confrontations.’ She replies.

‘I am fine with confrontations, just not those that are forced upon me. I like to choose when I talk about things with people.’ I mutter back. 

Jules and Fibre are talking on the couch. Probably discussing something I am not supposed to know. He doesn’t even notice me until I walk into the living room and Vic screams my name. Vic starts talking about his first weeks of school immediately while he jumps into my arms. 

The fact that Vic is laughing again, not even a bit startled by everything that happened three weeks ago, makes me breathe a sigh of relief. He is fine. It takes Ruby a bit longer but the smile on her face as she waddles over is undeniably cute. 

‘I woov yoo.’ She squeals happily before she throws her little arms around my legs which makes my heart melt. 

It takes me a moment to remember who is in that room with me. Jules is staring at me from the couch. His eyes almost melancholic when he sees me interact with them. He almost makes me melt immediately but I have to tell myself that I am angry with him. He doesn’t deserve my attention right now. 

I talk with Vic a little bit before his mother calls us to the table. Ruby, who really loves food, disappears to get to the table before I even notice her gone while Vic drags me along to get to the table just as fast. As Fibre puts Ruby into her high chair I demonstratively sit in the chair the farthest away from Jules, making sure he gets my point. He accepts it without saying a word but understanding my meaning. 

Dinner is fairly quiet. Vic really being the one to tell all the stories and ask the questions. Fibre and Rosie answering as well as they can. After dinner Rosie and Fibre decide to put the kids to bed together leaving me with Jules and the awkward silence between us. 

‘What do you want me to say?’ He asks me, breaking the silence. 

I exhale deeply before I look at him. 

‘Well, maybe you can explain to me why I am spreading my legs to keep you safe and you decide to throw yourself into a burning fire nonetheless. Maybe you can explain to me why you risk everything for a dream that is so unreachable I can’t even believe in it. You are destroying everything Jules! You are destroying everything we have! I trusted you. I trusted you with my secrets. With my fears and my worries. And you take them and make it fuel for something that could very well be the end of me and my family. This is my life you are talking about. My life and my problems and you just want to throw them on a big pile of shit and make them your talking points to strike up a rebellion.’ I scream at him, tears streaming down my face. 

‘You have no right to use my own personal hell for your benefit. You and your mother and Rosie and Fibre. I trusted you all with my reality and now it is all a part of your messed up plan to make everything better. You can’t fix this! You never will!’ 

The tears are now streaming down my face like a river, nothing holding them back. His betrayal hurts me more than I realised. He has no right to my secrets. He can know about them but he has no right to distribute them as propaganda. 

‘Cash, your secrets are no part of the rebellion. We would never dare to use them without your permission.’ He whispers silently. 

‘What?’ I ask him when his words sink in. 

‘It may be a personal reason for Fibre and me to fight but we never shared that with the rest of the people. We would never betray your trust like that. Rosie would have his head if he did.’ Jules tells me. 

‘Then why? Why is this happening?’ I exclaim, still not believing everything he tells me. 

‘Because there is so much wrong in this country. Sometimes I am worried you don’t even see it. Which is understable considering what you have going on. But there are so many things not right.’ He says sighing heavily. 

‘It is a lot worse in the outer districts. In Eleven and Twelve people are starving everyday. Children are starving before they are even old enough to understand what food is. People are dying because they are forced into jobs with no regard for their safety. They literally work people to death out there. You have seen it, Cash. You have been to those places. You have seen how bad life is for some people there.’ 

‘I get that. And I know we are privileged. But why risk everything we have for people half a country away?’ I say, realizing immediately how wrong that sounds. 

‘Cash, think about it. The only reason we are privileged is because we are close to the Capitol and have the capacity to provide them with their precious luxury items. The people in Twelve were just unlucky they were born atop a pile of coal while the people of Eleven have fast fields for growing crops. It is about as random as the reaping when it is not rigged. They never chose to be born where they were. But that doesn’t mean that things in One are perfect.’ 

My mind was working on overdrive. Still not getting everything he was trying to tell him. 

‘So why do we have an Academy then? Why are we so eager to participate in their sick game? If we have it so bad then why aren’t we fighting more?’ 

‘Because some Capitol-loving mayor decided he wanted to be in the Capitol's good graces. Because he himself was a sadist who would gladly offer up children to get his way with the President. It is nothing more than a power game two sadists decided they wanted to play.’ He replies. 

“It doesn’t explain why you would risk everything, even my nieces and nephews, to fight for something that is so bad even though I don’t even see it.’ 

‘Have you ever been to the factories?’ Jules asks, his voice turning darker. 

A visit to the factories was mandatory for the 17 and 18 year olds at the Academy. To show them what they would be doing when they aged out of the reaping and did not get a chance to be a part of the games. By the time I reached that age I was already on the Presidents payroll and no longer in school. So I never went. 

‘No, I was a victor by the time they wanted me to go.’ I tell him reluctantly. 

‘There is a reason why I got Neva the job at the jewelry store. I didn’t want her working in the same place my dad died. For her sake and mine. The place hasn’t changed Cashmere. It might be safer to work there than in a coal mine but they operate heavy machinery that only gets a check up when it is so close to breaking down it will halt production. Fibre was angry at the Capitol before Gloss became a victor. The moment him and Rosie started working at the factory he noticed what was wrong there. That moment he started to fight against them. Your secrets only add more fuel to the fire.’ 

I stare at him in disbelief. No one ever told me how bad it was at the factories. No one ever said a word to me about the risks they were taking every day just to feed their children. 

‘Do you know how many colleagues Fibre has lost over the last 8 years?’ Jules asks me.

‘One hundred and sixty two, not counting those who were so severely injured they couldn’t work again.’ Fibre says from the doorway, making me look at him. Rosie is standing next to him clutching his hand in support. 

‘This is not just about you and Gloss and all the other Victors who have been forced into a terrible life. This is about so much more. Have you ever been to South End? To the orphanage?’ Fibre continues, while I shake my head. 

‘We’ve had Crispin and Maia from the orphanage but they always pick up the.. the bodies from the Justice building so we haven’t been there.’ I reply. 

‘Do you remember all of them?’ Rosie asks at which I nod my head.

‘Every single one of them. No matter how far they got.’ 

She smiles sadly at me while Fibre clears his throat. 

‘South End has it the worst. Most people in One don’t need tesserae but if they do they live in South End. Most of them have been injured in the factories or have lost one of the parents in a work related accident. Once a generation slides down they almost never get back up to the level they were before. The population of South End is growing every month. Quotas have gone up, which means longer shifts, which means more accidents.’ 

‘Why have they raised the quotas?’ I ask them. 

‘We don’t know. We have been trying to figure it out but we can’t pin it on something that happened in One. Maybe something happened in another District which made them think they needed to keep us in check.’ Jules answers. 

‘Another district?’ I ask him.

‘The unrest here in One is just beginning but that doesn’t mean that the other districts haven’t been fighting for years. They like to keep us separated as much as we can but that doesn’t mean we don’t hear things from other places. In Seven and Eight they have an organized underground. They try to do whatever they can to improve the conditions in their home districts and fight against the rules the Capitol puts on them. Workers in Eleven have been fighting for years. Eleven is like a fortress, I am sure you remember the guarded watch towers and the peacekeepers with guns on every street corner. Eleven is the largest of us, if they get enough people rallied behind them they can be a serious threat. They have been keeping Eleven on a very short leash for years, which only makes the unrest worse.’ Fibre says. 

‘How do you know all of this?’ I ask him. 

‘Victors.’ He answers. 

I can almost feel my mouth open to accommodate my surprise. 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask as Jules laughs at the look on my face. 

‘Cashmere, the victor’s are a big part of this. They are the only ones who can communicate between districts. They can call and have other ways to send each other messages. Most of them have their own reasons to join the rebellion but all of them have experienced the horrors of the Capitol themselves.’ Jules says. 

‘Who are in this?’ 

‘We have some of them in almost every district. Haymitch has been one of the first ones to join. He has a big thing to settle with the Capitol considering..’ 

‘Considering they killed his family, yeah I know.’ I reply. 

‘Yeah, and he has been a lone victor for twenty years. Drinks himself into a stupor most of the time because of his loneliness.’ Fibre says. 

‘And his nightmares.’ I add which leads to a puzzled look on his face.’ Trust me on this. All of us have them. It comes with the fact that you have killed children.’ 

I see him swallow the bile in his throat. Yeah, his little brother and sister are killers. Quite a big pill to swallow. 

‘Then we have Chaff and Seeder from Eleven. Seeder lost her little brother to the Games a few years after her victory and Chaff, well he is close friends with the both of them. The rebellion in Ten is still weak. Not many victor’s and the ones that are there are very much einzelgangers. Una might be joining in a bit but she is young and has to do a whole lot of work to get it going. Getting victors in Nine is even harder. They keep to themselves, even during the games I have heard, so we have a lot of ground to cover there.’ Fibre says sighing heavily. 

‘In Eight we have both Cecilia and Woof.’ Jules continues.

‘Wait, isn’t Cecilia pregnant again?’ I ask, remembering her belly bulging once again during the last games. 

‘Yeah, she just gave birth to another boy. It is part of the reason why she joined. To protect her children. Then in Seven both Jack and Blight are on our sight. Seven has some very sturdy and unhappy loggers who are more than ready to strike back. Six is on our side but kind of hard to communicate with seeing they are all kind of dependent on morphling which makes it hard to plan anything. The District is behind them but the leadership falters sometimes. Mags has been a part of this the longest, she has gotten older but has been fighting for freedom since they killed her husband not long after they were married.’ 

Mags. Our dear grandmother who has seen so many children die at the hands of the Capitol. Who would give her life to save any of the kids she did manage to bring home. The one who introduced me to Finnick. We all loved Mags.

‘Somehow that doesn’t surprise me at all.’ I reply, smiling about the memories her name conjures in my brain. 

‘Mags is awesome. She has seen so much suffering and yet she keeps fighting for what she believes in. Even after all these years.’ Rosie says. 

‘Beetee and Wiress are on board as well. And we are going to need their brains if we want to succeed.’ Jules says.

‘We still have a hard time getting it going in Two, Five and Nine. Lyme is thinking about it but the mentality of her District and the lack of real support there is holding her back.’ 

‘Have you tried Enobaria?’ I ask, looking at Fibre. 

‘We have. Knowing what we know about her life. She told us she had too much going on. Not wanting to risk the life of someone she cared deeply about.’ Fibre replies. 

Gloss. She wasn’t joining because of Gloss. They were doing everything they could to make it work having finally admitted to each other how they feel. She wasn’t going to risk it and I couldn’t blame her. 

‘What about here in One?’ I ask. ‘Who is doing the communications here?’ 

I see a hint of a smile on Fibre’s face before he answers. 

‘Good old Ruby.’ He says. 

‘Ruby?’ I ask in disbelief. 

I had hardly seen Ruby since my games. Since I took over her mentoring duties. I could barely imagine the old victor in any form of rebellion against the Capitol. But she had been around for a long time and she had managed to fade to the background which gave her opportunities Gloss and I would never have. She was the perfect candidate. 

‘Who would have thought.’ I only mutter. 

‘She is very helpful. She knows a lot. Her and Mags are really valuable.’ 

It remains silent for a while as my thoughts take over. So many people were risking so much for this dream of a better world. A world in which everyone would be equal, no one would be forced to die at work and no one would starve to death. A world in which no one would be forced to send their children into a game of death. They were risking everything to create a better world for the ones they left behind. 

All I had been doing was trying to keep everyone safe. My family was at risk permanently, whether they did something to earn it or not. Vic, Ruby, Lace and now Sapph were all at risk for absolutely nothing. The little boy or girl in Rosie’s belly was at risk without even being born. Was it really so strange they wanted to fight against all of that?

I had thought Rosie and Fibre were risking the lives of their children, but what if they were protecting them instead. Trying to make a future for them in which they were not at risk every day of the week. Maybe all of this was for them. To give them the freedom we never had as a child. To have them grow up without the ticking time bomb above their heads. Their last name being the only reason why they would probably end up in the games. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ Rosie asks me while Jules and Fibre are softly talking on the couch. 

‘Them.’ I simply say. 

‘Them?’ 

When I look up I see her hand resting on her belly. Gently petting the little life growing inside. 

‘I was so mad at you. That you would risk our family for this idea of a better world. That you would risk Vic and Ruby and that little one who we haven’t even met yet. They are all I will ever have and it felt like you didn’t care.’ I tell her as I feel tears well up in my eyes. 

Rosie slowly walks towards me, pulling out a chair and sitting down. 

‘Before we joined I had some long and hard talks with Fibre. We made a list of things we wanted to change so we could determine if it was worth the risks. One of them was the factories. The dangers and sorrow we experience there are what triggered Fibre’s anger in the first place. The second is you two. You and your brother who are dying from the inside every single day because of what they do. And the thirth is this.’ She says while she takes my hand and softly presses it against her belly. 

It takes a moment before I feel it. The little thumps of baby feet. I am amazed by the feeling and instantly start sobbing. That little being just waiting to be loved and cherished by his or her amazing parents. Not even aware of the world he or she will enter. 

‘Hi baby.’ I whisper through my tears. 

‘I want to give them a better life. A life without the games, without the risks. I don’t want them to work in a place where they could die every minute. They deserve freedom. They deserve the right to be who they want to be.’ Rosie says. ‘From the moment they put Vic in my arms I knew that I would give my life for him. I would do everything I could to keep him safe, to make him happy. And if this is the way then I am prepared to take it. Whatever the cost may be.’ 

The tears are streaming down my face while I softly stroke Rosie’s belly. 

‘I am so sorry.’ I barely manage before I sob so loudly Fibre and Jules look up. 

Jules jumps up from the couch towards me, folding me up in his big and strong arms and hugging me so I feel safe. I snuggle my head into his shoulder while he slowly strokes my hair, placing kisses on top of it like Gloss used to do. 

‘I am so, so sorry.’ I whimper again.

‘Hey, Cash, you have nothing to be sorry for. This is not your fault.’ Jules says.

‘It is though. If I hadn’t volunteered they would have never been at risk. They can’t be normal children because of me.’ 

I shiver slightly when I feel another hand on my shoulder. 

‘No it isn’t sis.’ Fibre says. ‘They were at risk the moment Gloss was reaped and that wasn’t anyone’s fault but the Capitol.’ 

“I just - I am so scared. I am so scared that any of you will get hurt because I make a mistake.’ 

‘I know, love. I know. You don’t have to make a decision now. Just know that if you want to fight you can. Just think about it, don’t make a decision you will regret later.’ Jules says while he keeps stroking my hair. 

‘Okay.’ I whisper back.

* * *

Weeks go by and things start to settle down again. It is kind of strange to know there is something going on in the district but I am also more aware of everything that happens around me. Jules takes me to visit South End and I am shocked about the harsh reality of the people who live there. District One might be wealthy but these people get no share of it. The houses are falling apart and all around me are children who are thin and desperately need more food. 

It opens my eyes to things that I wasn’t aware of. I was so busy with keeping my family safe and keeping myself and my brother sane in the process that I hadn’t even noticed the changes that were happening right under my nose.

Fibre has to pull in even more shifts to meet his quotas and keep his job while Rosie gives birth to another little boy they name Eli. The first weeks Fibre is hardly home so both Gloss and I spend every waking hour at their house to support Rosie with the three little ones. 

Finnick calls me inbetween his visits to the Capitol and he is doing a lot better when he is there because of the simple fact that he knows that Annie is safe. Mags has spread out her wings once again and accepted Annie into the fold like she is her granddaughter. Finnick tells me that Annie is doing a lot better. She still has flashbacks but they know how to manage them and that she is safe at home helps in that regard. 

I can sense the stress in Finnick when Annie's victory tour comes around. Tiberius decides that Mags will accompany Annie on her tour acros Panem while Finnick has to work with us in the Capitol. Not knowing if she is safe makes his stress levels rise and the four of us have to do everything we can to keep him functioning. 

The coverage of Annie’s tour is heavily focused on her mental state and how the Capitol’s best doctors did a good job at diagnosing and treating an illness that was already present before the games. It is their only way to justify why she isn’t one of us, while she is desirable, without blaming her mental state on the games. All of us suspect it is also a way to make Annie an even less attractive life partner for Finnick. They want to hurt her reputation so badly that even if they ever let go of him, she will not be the one he is allowed to spend his life with.

The months after the tour are relatively calm. I spend most of my time with my nieces and nephews because I can and because it gives both Mia and Rosie a chance to reach their quotas and keep their jobs. Their quotas have been raised as well but they hardly get the chance to make them due to the babies they have to take care of. It is almost like Gloss and I are running a daycare and neither one of us really minds. Being with them is way better than being miserable. 


End file.
